Relationships and Mothers

 

A mother is our first relationship.  If we are separated from our mothers, it can feel like a life-or-death situation.  As we grow up and individuate, we begin to discover that we may not die after all.

When we don’t do well with our mothers, we may struggle with our other relationships.  The way we treat our mothers is often the way we treat our partners.  When we cannot take any nurturing from our mothers, we may have difficulties taking mentoring from our bosses.

When we do well with our mothers, life often flows smoothly.

I had a client who could not stand to be micromanaged.  She did not want everybody “in her business”.  When we had a look at the relationship with her mom, she realized that mom had micromanaged her entire life, including who she could date, until she rebelled.  When she was able to see the reasons for her mother’s behavior, she could finally have a conversation with her mother and allow others to assist her at her work.

Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  Now might be a really good time to examine your relationship with your mother.  During our Relationship DNA event in June, one of the dynamics we will explore is the mother/child relationship.  Join us to create fulfilling relationships!

How Personal Relationships Impact Professional Relationships

Your relationships at work are frequently reflections of your relationships at home.  Either in collusion with or opposition to what is happening at home.  We also know that systems seek resolution.  What you don’t complete in one system will present itself again in other systems until resolution is achieved.

I ask my clients who have problems with their bosses which parent they struggle with.  If they struggle with their colleagues I ask if they have problems with their siblings.  Systems are always in service of us.  So, if you have a persistent relationship problem, it is not only showing you what needs to stop but showing you that something better is just around the corner – if you are willing to look.  Being stuck means simply that our box has gotten too small and there is something more for us.

Write down one place where you struggle at work and see if there is a similar place at home.  If the answer is yes, the chances are your relationship patterns are asking to be addressed.  During our Relationship DNA event in June, we will explore both personal and professional aspects of your relationships.

Relationships are the foundation of success – come and join us!

A Fresh Start To Your Relationships

 

Many magazines feature articles about relationships, how we struggle with them and what you can do to create better ones.  However, they don’t address the origins of our relationships struggles and until we can see and understand them, we are likely to keep hitting the same brick walls.

Systemic work and constellations offer a different way to see, understand and resolve limitations in our relationships.  We not only inherit our physical DNA, but also our Emotional DNA, which creates our Relationship DNA.  Yes, that’s right, you can inherit relationship patterns.  Think of the times when you have been told all women/men are bad.  Ask yourself where that came from and how it affects your current relationships – both personal and professional.

Who else in your family struggled?  It is possible that you are repeating a pattern from previous generations?  A client shared with me that she could not sustain relationships with men because they were all idiots.  When asked what that meant she said that in times of crisis, men are never there.  She revealed that her father was unavailable at the time of her mother’s passing.  She had to take care of everything and everyone just like her mother had to do when her own father left the family.  This client had become super capable at the cost of her heart.  She realized she was categorizing all men as idiots as a way to feel safe.  When she could acknowledge her true feelings surrounding her mother’s death, she could finally grieve and open her heart again.   Surprisingly, a number of perfectly capable men showed up.

Looking at Relationship DNA allows us to see what lives in our system and discover ways to rewire limiting patterns.  This is a great way to create a fresh start in your relationships.

 

How does my Emotional DNA Impact My Love Life?

 

It’s February, the month of love and I am often asked, “Can your Emotional DNA affect your love life too?” Yes, it can and does, and in June we have an entire event dedicated to Relationship DNA but, for now, let’s look at an example of how your Emotional DNA can impact a loving relationship.

Remember: Emotional DNA, is the pattern of thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions that repeat in a family system.

Amelia swept into her first meeting with me and declared that she had to divorce her husband because all men were stupid. He was number 3 and she seemed unable to pick anything but stupid men. When I asked what stupid meant she said that her husband was incredibly stupid with money and had just wasted several dollars on an expensive loaf of bread!

Amelia was a top executive, as was her husband, so the wrath over an expensive loaf of bread didn’t make sense. As we explored her other 2 marriages, she noticed that as soon as she realized her husbands were stupid, they had to go before they destroyed everything.

In our discussion, she revealed that her mother had also divorced 3 times. Those husbands had all been stupid, including Amelia’s father who seemed to have little sense of money and had frequently bought small frivolous things. Her mother had no tolerance for financial stupidity. When Amelia was a child, she was swiftly disciplined if she wasted or lost money.

Amelia’s maternal grandmother had also been married 3 times. She had come from a wealthy family and her 1st husband had taken her substantial inheritance and lost it all. She almost had a nervous breakdown, divorced the stupid man and started her own business. She married and divorced twice more – both times as soon the men made any moves that threatened her financial stability. She’d taken great care to teach her daughter that financial stupidity was not something to be tolerated.

As Amelia recognized the pattern she’d been repeating, her face softened. When I asked her about this current husband she teared up. He’d bought the bread to eat with a special dish he’d prepared for her. She began to understand that while the pattern had originally helped grandmother to survive, it had perhaps limited the love in future generations.

So, as you look at your own relationships and Emotional DNA, you might explore the places where you seem to struggle. Think about the patterns you are bringing from you family system into your relationships. Are they helpful or hurtful?

Overcoming Your Money Limitations

The ways we speak, feel and act around money are clues to the patterns, thoughts and actions that live within our multi-generational Money DNA.  Money is often cast as the villain, the choice, or the unattainable in our stories.  This comes from meta patterns that are thousands of years old.  They also have roots in religions, ethics and are the leading cause of wars.  We are taught that to have a lot of money is evil.  Yet it is the “evil doers” who often bail us out in terrible times.  So, what do they know that we don’t?

They have figured out, contrary to popular belief, that money is a strong ally and friend.  They know they don’t have to sacrifice something precious, such as love, to have money.  They take time to understand money and how it works.  They have no resistance to its flow and know it gives them freedom and allows expansion.  They talk about money as a friend, not a foe.

Walt Disney discovered what lives beyond limiting Money DNA patterns and built one of the most lucrative and beloved places on Earth.  Imagine what you might do if you overcame yours.

Join us at our signature event in Florida!

How Does Money Show Up In Your Life?

Money DNA
Money is a great place marker for all sorts of things; love, safety and power to name a few.  The way it shows up for you is highly dependent on what you say to yourself about it.  Your thoughts, feelings and actions around money are rooted in the thoughts, feelings and actions of your ancestors.   How did your ancestors handle money?  What did they say about it?  What were the unspoken rules about it?  What do you tell yourself about money?  Does it grow on trees?  Is it only for the chosen few? Does it come and go?  Do you have to work hard to earn it?  Is there never enough?   We have made these thoughts, feelings and actions our own, but they often don’t belong to us. Many of these sayings originated with our ancestors and have been passed down through the generations via our Emotional DNA.   At our Money DNA event, we are going to take a deep dive into your Money DNA, at the most magical place on Earth – DISNEY WORLD!  If anyone knew how to reshape their Money DNA, it was Walt and it wasn’t always easy for him either.  After each day’s coursework, you will take what you’ve learned into the parks.  You will see examples of Walt’s Money DNA and ground what you’ve learned in play.   Walt overcame the limiting Money DNA that plagued his family to build one of the most spectacular places on Earth.  What will you do when you overcome yours? Join us at Money DNA Event at Walt Disney in Florida!

Blessings or shortcomings

Let’s face it most of us were taught to find what’s wrong with us do our best to fix it so we can suffer our way to transformation. It’s a centuries long tried and tested approach to advancing ourselves. Trouble is, it’s a bit shortsighted and frankly often unnecessarily painful. So, who can blame us if we are often blind to wants to serve us and see it as a shortcoming or failure on our part? Imagine the universe extending its hand to you only to be met with your fears and self-doubts. Your systemic blindness.

How often are you faced with a challenge that has you feeling like you’re somehow not equipped to deal with it or have success or fulfillment? How often do you buy into the meta myth of not being good enough? It’s as though thinking these thoughts puts us into good standing with that ancient need to struggle in order to belong.

The problem with that is that we can’t see the challenge for what it is. An invitation to grow. A blessing. So often we see the challenges presenting as evidence that we’ve done something wrong. Perhaps its time to look at it a little differently.

The other day a client of mine was in a state of panic. His line manager had given him a compliment and then asked him why he’d never shown up this way before. Instead of acknowledging that he was growing and consciously applying himself and the results were showing, he chose to think he’d been neglectful of his career. Just like his dad. He could not hear the compliment. His mother had taught him not to ever think he was too important. AKA don’t listen to the good news. Ouch.

How often do you think you’ve got it wrong when in fact you are growing?

Perhaps it’s worth considering that when you feel those inner doubts it may be a pull to the echoes of old patterns of struggle in your family system. However, if you start looking at what’s in front of you with a sense of curiosity and possibility you may just begin writing your own chapter. You could begin changing what you thought was fate into a destiny. How incredible is that?

There’s a saying that when the student is ready, the master appears. There’s another piece to that. When the student is ready, the challenge appears. It’s a blessing and an affirmation that you are ready to go to the next level.

When you hit a brick wall back up a few yards. You might just see that the brick wall is actually just the rise to the next step up. The next time you feel cursed, take a minute to realize you are being told that you are indeed enough and absolutely ready. Instead of doubting yourself, dare to look at what’s in front of you and then look beyond it to how you will feel and what you will have accomplished when you get to the other side.

Next time a challenge appears realize that you may just been blessed.. Don’t look down. Look ahead.

Rights, wrongs, and a bigger game. Systemically speaking.

I see so many causes with rights and wrongs at the moment and how we are told we need/ need to not behave. There are high feelings and large reactions, and I am reminded that in systems and systemic work, everything and everyone belongs.

 

High feelings are wonderful when you realize that they are simply an invitation to a bigger game or a different pattern.

 

Having studied companies that do really well one thing becomes obvious. All are welcome. Companies like Apple have created a game that is big enough for everyone to play. They don’t care about color, creed, origin, ethnicity.  Everyone has a way to belong if they want to and I wonder if they are showing us something important?.

 

We don’t have to all want the same thing, we don’t have to agree on what we think is the best or worst and we can choose our levels of participation without having to justify them.

 

I wonder about a world I love and a country I am proud to call my own. I see what we can do when we stop making each other wrong and allow for differences and choices. We can respect the differences and not insist that everyone do as we want.

 

In systemic work and constellations one of the core tenets of the work is that everybody has a right to belong and a place that belongs to only them.

 

In other words, all places count. They all have something to offer. If we pay attention to our history we will always find both right and wrong. It’s what we focus on that counts. What we bring to the fore. At the moment we seem intent on finding what’s wrong and that blinds us to what’s right and what we can use to flourish and come together. We aren’t looking at the wonderful possibilities.

 

Throughout our lives we are constantly working with patterns that are trying to rest and patterns that are trying to emerge through us. Fate in the one and destiny in the other.

When we are angry or frustrated a good question to ask is what pattern is trying to stop. It takes the sting out of what’s happening and allows us to see that something bigger is asking to emerge through us and for us.

 

If we are willing to take an objective look at what’s happening in front of us, then the next question to ask is what we would most like to see. Not in a selfish way but in heartfelt way that lights us up. If we can do that, we can learn to see the pattern that’s itching to emerge for the highest good.

 

Making each other wrong simply means division and blindness. This stunts growth and innovation, and the world goes into a period of hibernation.

 

It’s only when we are willing to see that there is something truly good about every event, and in every person, even if it’s to ignite change, that we can learn and begin to breathe and innovate again.

 

So perhaps the next time we want to condemn or accuse each other, it’s time to ask what pattern is trying to stop, what pattern is trying to emerge through us and what is the bigger game that we can all play?

 

What’s possible here?

Leaders are created by their choices

Align Your Personal & Professional Life

Your level of leadership depends on where you came from and what you tell yourself about that.

By what they think, hear, feel and also by what they inherit from the generations that
came before them. Above all they are created by what they make that inheritance consciously mean in their lives.

Legendary coach Vince Lombardi once said:

“Leaders aren’t born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work.

And that’s the price we have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.”

He’s partially right but it’s not just about hard work.

It’s about consistent and conscious work.

It’s also about knowing what lives in your family system and how that’s affected you and
make no mistake it does.

Whether you know them or are closely connected or not at all.

At some point legendary leaders make the choice to be leaders.

They choose to have something to stand for and then they
dedicate themselves to being the best leaders and living the best lives that they can.

They understand that a great life isn’t about just drifting. It’s about crafting mindfully.

And if you ask them, they can generally tell you the moments or events that ignited that.

Quite often it begins early on in life. Many times, in reaction to an event and what they made that event mean for them.
Once that decision is made and accepted, it becomes their north star.

They explore, grow, and assimilate everything aligns them with their decision.

They continually add knowledge and insight to their inner world which in turn affects their outer world.

They teach themselves to be willing to look.

In terms of success in our lives, more than anything, it’s a matter of making a choice and then dedicating yourself to making that a reality.

To do that you have to able to pay attention to what lives in your mind and in your systems around you and your family system is rich with clues.

They live in your language, thoughts, feelings actions and reactions. In your leadership, success, relationships, finances.

In fact, just about everything around you.

You don’t just inherit physical DNA you also inherit your patterns of thoughts feelings and actions and the first place

they come from are your family systems. We are all constantly activating and wiring instructions to our brains.

Often not very kind ones either and changing that begins a process of success and fulfillment.

The most successful people know that they have to do this mindfully and consciously. They align everything they do, say,
feel or think with what they want and a set of instructions that keep them headed in the right direction.

Their self-talk, choices, goals, and commitment keep them on track.

It’s all about consciously choosing and then dedicatedly and repeatedly
growing strong patterns or changing limiting ones, that takes them to success.

Mindful patterns require, passion, a clear goal or driver or both and the willingness to look at and invest in themselves.
Often I ask the leaders I work with what they stand for and why that is so important and most of them can tell me what started
the ball rolling for them and what pulls them to keep going and growing.

What many of them don’t consciously connect with, are the dots between what started them on their path and what may
have happened in generations prior to them.

Or as the result of a significant event in their own lives and their response to

multi-generational patterns of thought, feelings, and actions they used to react to the event.

You see great leaders don’t happen in a vacuum.

They use the thoughts, feelings and actions that live in their family or
organizational systems too. And when they do so consciously, it enables them to elevate from being good leaders to legendary
leaders.

Let me explain and then give you an example:

Who we are as leaders is based first on our primary pattern makers. Our family
system. We watch listen and tell ourselves what is right or wrong and then act accordingly.

By the way we do that throughout our lives in our day to day world.

Society is a large meta system and different parts of it also have their rules and regulations that we obey to belong and disobey
at our risk.

Every family has a unique pattern of language, thoughts, feelings, and actions to which we are constantly responding.
We move either in reaction to, or in collusion with, our family systems.

And for those of you leaders who are not connected to your families, even you are responding to them in their absence or
presence: “I will never be like them.” “I will show them all.” “If they knew me they might be impressed” “I will make a family of
my own through my company.”

As I said you are evolving in reaction to or collusion with them. Know them or not.
Some of you will tell me “I don’t even know them, so how can I be like them?”

Research suggests that these patterns are passed down to us through the generations. Mostly quite unconsciously.

In life with respect to the systems of which we are a part we have two choices. To repeat the patterns or to do it differently.

A phrase you will hear quite often in systemic work and constellations.
The most intriguing aspect of systemic work is perhaps to realize that our family and indeed all other systems are geared
towards our evolution. Waiting and wanting for us to change.

Hoping we will add to or change the history or stuck-ness that lives in our family line. The minute we start looking at our
patterns and/or the patterns of those who came before us we are no longer flying blind. And when we embrace the gifts that
those patterns offer us in terms of growth everything changes.

Now the world and our families are always in service of us and we can see it.

Sometimes pieces of our past or childhood are painful, and we get stuck there. It’s when we can look at those places and
notice their gifts waiting for us to grow them that things begin to shift for us.

We have been so conditioned as human beings to suffer our way into transformation that we have no idea that we have
success and fulfillment in our very own hands.

But how?

It’s all the wiring that we do in reaction to what’s around us and what came before us.
Our brains and systems are truly magical (alright ‘remarkable’) collaborators when we use them wisely and consciously and leaders who do this become visionary leaders. They use what they have to create what they want.

We are the creators of our world around us. We tell ourselves things, have feelings in response and then believe those
feelings and tell our brains this is what’s happening and wire it in. We believe what we are telling ourselves about ourselves
and the world around us all the time!!

And then we make that the truth only it’s really just our truth!

Leaders do this all the time and systemic work and constellations teaches good leaders to become great leaders by
exploring those patterns in their family and organizational systems and choosing what they wish to make them mean in
their own lives and leadership.

They are astounded to see how much of who they are begins in the family system and even more amazed to see how their
family systems have contributed to who they are as leaders.

I teach an entire module of work that I teach devoted exclusively to leaders and organizations and how to explore and
evolve both.

Once leaders know what lives in their systems, they are able to see what has held them back and what has elevated them.
They learn to explore obstacles and limitations and reframe them into the gifts and strengths they were meant to be.

I recently had a client who went into a high state of anxiety because she thought she had messed up her entire career by
neglecting to take good care of it. She was under the mistaken impression that just ‘being a good
soldier’ would get her noticed and result in rewards including promotions.

Life doesn’t work that way. We have to take good care of those careers and grow them like children.

As we started working together I was curious to understand why she hadn’t gone all the way to the top?

She certainly had the capability. We looked at ways that she could step up and gain more visibility and within a short while

one of her leaders told her they were impressed and surprised and wondered where she had been all this time?

What a compliment! Well not for my client! She went into shock, thinking she had neglected her career somehow.
So, we took a look at her father’s career and she realized that he had always said: “Always look after your career, work hard
but don’t stick your neck out too far.

She had faithfully listened to not sticking her neck out too far and made that her mantra and in doing so she had yet another insight.

He once told her he wondered what might have happened if he’d taken some bigger projects or chances that he had been

offered but his father had said family first and turned down a large promotion of his own.

Notice the multi-generational effect?

When she could see that she had built a solid framework like her dad had she was pleased!

She’d done what the family system said was right.

At the same time, she realized that not sticking her neck out and
promoting herself was hurting her.

Yet here was the opportunity… her father had also said I wish I had taken a few more risks but… family first.

She was able to see that by making herself more visible and showing who she was and what she stood for she could

put herself in a great position to excel. It wasn’t taking a chance it was investing in her growth.

When she pointed out to her father that he had always said family first just like her grandfather, he showed her how
furthering her own career afforded her family more chances. So, she could be at ease with that too.

Later when she spoke with her mother, her mother told her that she had always wished that her father would have gone as
far as he could and that settled her even further.

But take a look at how that language that lived in her family precluded her at first from taking a compliment

from her boss and instead turning it into self-doubt and shock.

We all do that. We do what I call toilet talk.

Leaders learn to move beyond that and wire their brains differently and consciously.

They invest in what grows them not what slows them.

Systemic work and constellations show you where and how you set yourself up for failure and how to flip that around and use
the multi-generational patterns in your system for success.

Neuroscience will tell you that you are re-wiring your brain.

Systemic work and constellations use a multidimensional process called a constellation to explore where your patterns
came from, how they serve or limit you, and how to reframe them into patterns of success.

As leaders, this is a powerful tool for taking your leadership to the next level.

Moving you from good to great.

I work with a number of Fortune 500 leaders around the world and with leaders at all levels in all walks of life. I am honored to
be able to watch everyday people elevate their internal leadership and shine.

I look forward to meeting you too and watching the leader in you emerge.

Now it’s your turn.

Please share below so we can learn from each another in our community!

Please do not hesitate to reach out to us on our contact page if you have any questions or need support. We are here to serve your leadership!