Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim
There are victims. And then there are victims. Many times, quite unintentionally, we are victims of negative experiences from family members, or a car accident, or assault, or have been cheated in some way. These negative situations may give us the short end of the stick for the first time. In these cases, we’re a victim, but only briefly because, as we heal, we move on.
But there are also victims who stay victims because they don’t know how to move on. They haven’t been taught how to think differently. They don’t know how to advocate on their own behalf in a way that moves them past “stuck.” And they succumb to self-victimization, often developing a victim mentality as a coping mechanism. This can become a habitual way of responding to life circumstances, leading to learned helplessness over a long time.
I have seen people who have been abused, assaulted, or cheated who never recover from the story they create around the situation. People tell them, “You will never be the same after that.” And they agree and they stay stuck in the trauma. Then there are others who agree—they know they’ll never be the same again—but they use what happened to rise-up even higher than before. Through personal growth, they are no longer victims.
So, what is the difference between these people? Plain and simple, the thoughts, feelings, and actions aligned with their emotional DNA that take them one way or the other. Let’s look at this dynamic.
Cultural Programming
Many people from many demographics, cultures, and ethnicities carry an emotional DNA burden on their backs and are stuck in a trance of victimization, In some cultures, suffering as one’s forefathers suffered becomes something of a badge of honor. But the cost individually, generationally, and culturally is enormous as evolution is stunted. People become so wedded to being loyal to the suffering of those who came before that they will fight the idea of switching the paradigm and thinking, doing, and being different. This learned behavior continues over the long run, creating a repeating pattern that’s difficult to break.
Wars are started in this way. Peoples’ unconscious loyalties to what came before keep them stuck in the victim mentality, angrily defying any suggestion that change might be good, holding onto rage and thoughts of retribution rather than acknowledging that the past trauma is past and it’s best for all concerned to move on.
The Master Victim
The master victims are the ones who carry immense burdens with the smile of a saint. Unfortunately, they may look good on the outside, but inside they’re secretly longing for a happier life. But because they’ve chosen the victim role their culture, ethnicity and sometimes the global system at large insists upon, they know a happier life is not their lot. They look around and all they see is the system and they can’t understand anything else is possible. So, they make the best of a bad situation and opt to elevate the position of victim as a payoff.
And don’t you know, “misery loves company.” Many people choose to band together and commiserate with one another about their unfortunate lives, especially during hard times. It feels good because everybody’s doing it, so it becomes what’s normal. The master victim often enters a victim mode that becomes an acquired personality trait over a lot of time. The master victim’s goals also tend to be small, and they may be resistant to suggestions of positive change in general. If they achieve something significant, they tend to put it down to luck and/or downplay their role.
A lot of anger is associated with being a master victim. And one of the ways to channel this anger is for a master victim to become the champion of some sort of cause. In systemic work, we see this a lot in demographics that have been beaten down, marginalized, ignored, or forgotten. People borrow generations of anger, seeing themselves as change agents. The problem with the champion/activist is that—coming from the victim’s mindset—they are seldom there to simply right the wrong and add value. Instead, caught in their history, they’re unable to be fully present and effective, instead, repeating and expanding division and negative emotions and anger.
Victimhood Starts Early
School is one of the first places where we have the opportunity to stand up for ourselves and grow. I often ask school-aged children who are struggling, “How did you feel when you got upset and stuck? Did you ask the teacher to help? To clarify what happened? Did you make sure that you got what you needed?”
Unfortunately, often the answer is “no,” because they either have never received much help from their own family, or they are too self-conscious or embarrassed to ask the teacher for help. So, instead, they blame, and say things like “Mrs. Barton doesn’t know how to teach.” Or “Mr. Anders hates me.” They develop a sense of helplessness and are stuck. (Blame always stops progress.) At that point I offer them the idea that if they are a little bit brave, they might get what they need and even end up liking themselves in the process. I tell them asking for help is a brave thing to do and that it will make them feel stronger and more capable, helping them leave their comfort zone.
This, of course, is a strategy that works well at pretty much any age and any situation where somebody is stuck blaming others and feeling helpless. The best way forward is recognizing your own needs and taking an action step toward addressing them. Inviting help is always a way forward and definitely a bold move away from playing victim. It helps build mental toughness over time. It’s something I wish we would all teach our children.
Moving Ahead
In my last blog I gave a recipe for manifesting miracles. Which is pretty cool. But I’m willing to bet that at least 80 percent of people looked at the word “miracle” in the title and thought, “No way that’s happening for me,” and tossed it. Well, guess what? That’s the thought and act of someone with a victim mindset.
“But I don’t have the time. Miracles don’t work. I don’t have the bandwidth to read another ‘How to improve my life’ blog.” Well, I’m sorry, but these are all victim excuses often fueled by negative self-talk. How can you tell? Because such excuses are often accompanied by a teeny jolt in the stomach—a tiny pang of guilt that’s there because you really want to believe that miracles can happen and that you can create one. But victim consciousness is standing in the way, telling you that you can’t have that.
So, where does the tipping point lie? It comes at the moment when you rise up and say, “Enough!” with sufficient conviction that you elevate yourself out of whatever belief system is dragging you down. When this happens, you take full responsibility for your own life and are victim no more. You have risen above division and anger against a perceived oppressor (often oneself); you have risen above pretend indifference and hopelessness. You have moved past the family trance. Your emotional DNA has shifted to the upside.
Are you on the edge of change? Look around and read about nations and places, like Singapore, where the poor and hopeless chose constructive action and elevated themselves. Watch the disadvantaged child rise-up to become a star pupil. Notice when somebody you know was hurt, but instead of playing victim, offers insight and compassion instead of retaliation. This is how you build personal power and begin the journey of personal development.
Notice strength when you see it. Notice where you resist help, and instead of falling down on the job out of pride and then feeling bad about what happens, be a little bit brave and ask for assistance. Taking the first step to overcome your critical inner voices is essential for mental health.
All it takes is one simple pivot from being a victim to identifying something that makes you want and be a little more. And so, the magic is stirred up and the trance of the master victim is lifted.
Practice:
Write down all the places / situations in which you feel victimized and unhappy. Do this on a daily basis to become more aware of patterns.
- Notice where your part in this situation lies. Take personal responsibility rather than playing the victim card.
- Did this stance begin with you? Or is this part of your emotional DNA inheritance?
- Go for a walk, and then find a place that feels warm and good and write down how you would like things to change; how you would like to be. Set realistic goals for yourself.
- Is there a new thought about where you are right now? A new feeling that might shift something?
- Ask yourself, “How could things be different for me?” Consider ways to take control of your life.
- Remember imagination is the key. “How might it be if I am no longer felt like a victim? What might I do for myself and the world?” Focus on great things that could happen.
- Every day over the next 21 days, revisit what you have written down. Find ways to act on your insights. Move ahead and bring joy to yourself and those around you. This consistent practice will help you transform negative thoughts into positive ones.
A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.
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