Changing Family Patterns: Being a change agent. If not you, then who?
In recent years, the definition of family has undergone some of the most significant changes in history. As we navigate this post-modern world, family life continues to evolve, presenting both challenges and opportunities for transformation. If you’re facing inherited patterns that limit your potential, you might wonder: who will be the catalyst for change in your family structure changes?
Family systems create patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions. In other words, emotional DNA. While some inherit patterns that lead to financial security and success, others struggle with cycles that have caused previous generations to suffer and fail.
If you’re in the latter situation and feel stuck, thinking “Why me?” wondering who might rescue you, the simple (but often not easily accepted) answer is you. It is you who are actually there to get your family members unstuck from these patterns.
I know that sounds a little overwhelming, but a major change has to start somewhere. And if you’re facing a situation like this—whether the family pattern you’re wrestling with is money issues or intimate relationships or addiction issues or health issues, whatever—if you’re dreaming of a different life beyond these social pressures, then it’s you who are up to bat.
If not you, then who? Who will be the change agent? Are you going to go for it? Or leave it to your children to inherit and deal with an unhappy marriage or other challenges? And why shouldn’t you be the one to reap the rewards?
Making a difference
This is not about sacrifice and burden. Moving in the direction of your dreams and desires is what I’m talking about here – these recent changes that hold such high value for your future. And surely that’s enticing? The bonus is, once you start growing, the evolution of your entire family system is automatic. Any expansion on your part changes your emotional DNA—the thoughts, feelings, emotions and impulses that guide and sustain you, as well as the emotional DNA of those who came before you and those who will come after you in our modern society. In other words, when you change, others in your system change.
Here’s an example. I had a client who was alienated from her twin sister who was a highly successful CEO- a testament to the evolving role of women and educational attainment in our time. Both women today had achieved higher income levels, yet they had been fiercely competitive and pitted against each other by their parents all their lives. Even though their parents were long since deceased, the competition and animosity between them continued to keep them apart. But when my client finally saw the pattern and realized it was neither her fault nor her sister’s, before she could contact her sister to try to start building a new relationship, her sister reached out to her.
“It was the strangest thing,” she said. “I’d just had that breakthrough with you and determined to reach out to Gail over the following weekend. And 24 hours later she made one of those life-changing phone calls, crying, saying she had suddenly realized how stupid and awful our arguments were and not either one of our faults. She said she loved me and wanted to be closer. It was just what I’d been going to say to her!”
Quantum realities
This sounds really incredible and inexplicable until we begin to understand what modern science has been telling us about the nature of our world and how connected everything and everyone is. Over a time period spanning the twentieth century, Albert Einstein came along and taught that matter is actually energy. (E = mc2) Then quantum physicists, taking a closer look at our universe, studying “particles” that are really non-physical energy packets, discovered something called quantum entanglement. For example, experiments have proven that when two electrons come in contact with each other, their spin states become linked. In other words, for the rest of time, no matter how far apart these two electrons travel (even lightyears apart!), the actions of one electron instantaneously affect the other.
Labeled “spooky action at a distance,” by Einstein, entanglement is one explanation for how social groups change—and the people in them—when one member of the system makes a shift. We’ve seen a dramatic increase in understanding how social attitudes shift through this same principle. It may be subtle and not readily noticeable on the outside, but it does happen. Another possibility is the scientific theory that the universe is actually a gigantic hologram.
One of the strangest characteristics of a hologram is that one pixel taken from a holographic image contains the entire image. Which is scientific evidence that the ancient mystical teaching that “the many is contained in the One” is true. Which means, it’s totally possible that in any given system, including a family system, all the information held by one member of the system is automatically available to other family members. And when one person changes, so does everything and everybody else in the system hologram.
Which is why it’s really sad that fewer people step up, sitting around, waiting for someone else in the family to be the change agent and show the way. If we don’t step up, not only do we miss out on a great adventure; not only do we miss out on living the life we’ve always dreamed of, unhindered by old social attitudes and limiting patterns. We miss out on helping others.
Sensing the fire within
Bottomline, we were not put on this Earth to suffer and play small. We were put here to seize the moment and make a difference–whether that’s advancing the position of women or pursuing romantic love. And it all begins with sensing the fire within that is our unique self and part of our unique nervous system. So, what do I mean by that?
Think about a time when you really wanted to do something, like young adults seeking new homes and independence. When you were on the verge of taking a big, important step. You could feel the thrill and excitement couldn’t you? You could imagine the outcome and it filled your whole body with joy and anticipation. You might have had tears or goosebumps—always great indicators that you’re on the right track for you. But then what happened?
Did old family patterns kick in? Did inner voices of doubt suddenly get very loud? Did they squash the creativity right out of you? To be the change agent you must move beyond all the excuses and really good reasons to stay where you are. It begins with sensing and following the fire within. So, how do you do that?
Step 1
If you don’t already know what your passion is, there are many ways to stir up inspiration – whether it’s pursuing a bachelor’s degree or challenging gender roles. Watch an inspiring movie, listen to a motivational speaker, dance to a stirring song. Find anything that makes you go, “Wow!” and groove with it. Imagine it’s you up on that stage, singing that song. Or you being the hero in that movie, saving the day. Imagination and inspiration are closer than you know. Both stimulate the higher emotions that open the door for change.
Step 2
Zero in on what gets you excited. It may be an injustice that you want to right. A difference you want to make. A joy you want to experience. An accomplishment you want to achieve. You will know it because it will inspire and excite you like nothing else. And then, instead of wishing, make it so. How?
Step 3
There’s a line from the recent Disney film Frozen 2 that’s applicable here, and I’m going to paraphrase it. The main character, Anna, finds herself all alone, abandoned and very frightened. Like many young women seeking their path, she reminds herself of something that her father taught her. And that is: All you need to do is the next right thing. That simple reminder puts her back in touch with who she is and what is possible and keeps her moving forward. She finds the fire within and moves in that direction.
So, once you’ve found your fire and passion, whether it’s pursuing a college education or another dream, the most important thing is to simply do the next right thing that will bring you closer to that goal. And it doesn’t matter how big or small that step is. You may not have the clearest goal right now, but that’s okay. Because all you really need to know is what is the next right thing that needs to happen to take you closer to your goal.
Step 4
Once you find your fire and passion, you’ll have a greater likelihood of success if you commit to it with no excuses, but rather a sense of purpose, excitement, determination, and a clarity that says whatever it is you’ve chosen, it will happen. And if you waver, ask yourself “If not me, who? If not now, when?”
No more waiting
We are all yearning for a better world. If you turn around and look in the mirror, you will see the person standing in the wings, ready to help make this happen. And, if you think this couldn’t possibly be you, please look around. Notice everything around you. All the things you use in your home.
Evey single one of those things began as a thought in somebody’s mind. They didn’t just wait for someone else to invent what they were thinking of, they did it themselves. This is how individual, family systems, community systems, and global systems grow.
It doesn’t matter if you’re one of our bright young people or if you’re approaching old age, your contribution—whatever it might be—matters. Everything you do makes a difference one way (improving conditions) or another (not improving conditions). Which do you choose? Remember, you are far more influential than you suspect. The magic happens when you become aware of that, and you engage with and commit to making a difference consciously.
For almost two decades, Judy has been assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, organizational teams and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance.
The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, Judy is passionate about visionary leadership and inspiring positive, accelerated individual and global change. For more information click here.
