discovering my purpose

Discovering My Purpose - How Do I Find One?

From an early age we’re taught that every person on the planet has a purpose and that it’s our job to find our own. This belief in living a meaningful life is so ingrained, it’s almost a mystical or religious thing. The problem is, many of us don’t know what our true purpose is, leaving us searching for a sense of meaning. So, we spend half (or more) of our daily life running around trying to find it, meanwhile feeling inadequate because we haven’t. Eventually, this lack of purpose leads us to conclude that we just aren’t special enough to have a purpose—a thought pattern that, naturally enough, can set off depression, self-doubt, and apathy.

It's Not "Out There"

The good news is that your life’s purpose isn’t some mysterious duty hovering out in the quantum field somewhere that you can’t find. The process of finding purpose isn’t “out there” at all. It’s inside you, aligned with your core values and disguised as the thing (or things) that you really, really want and the things you really really love.

When I mention this to people seeking a clear purpose, they often say things like, “But I don’t know what I want in life.” Or, “All I know is what I don’t want in life.” (Both these statements, which often reflect a lack of sense of direction, are usually linked to our family system which tells us what we should and shouldn’t want. For example, mom says we should get a college education and not a blue-collar job. Or dad says we should want a great apartment in the city, not a cabin in the woods.)

But you don’t have to couch this question in huge terms like “What do you want in life?” What do you want now? What do you love now? As you take these practical steps forward, perhaps you’re a person who loves to cook and eat good Mexican food. This doesn’t sound like a true calling at first. But think about it. When people discover their innate abilities and love something, they’re passionate about it in a powerful way. They’re good at it and want to share what they love with others. Maybe you make the best empanadas anybody’s ever eaten. Word spreads and you start cooking extras for friends. Somebody tells you about an old food truck they know is for sale. Next thing you know you’re in business and living a happy life.

For decades, if not centuries, chicken was just chicken until people learned how to fry it. And then, in 1930, along came Colonel Harland Sanders who began cooking fried chicken for customers pulling in at his service station in Corbin, Kentucky. One of the greatest role models in economic success, his years of culinary dabbling later produced his famous “secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.” By the time he sold Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1964, he had franchised over 600 outlets.

Deeper & Deeper

If the whole idea of thinking about finding a life purpose makes your head hurt, start out slow.

Level One:

Ask yourself what you love. Maybe it’s fitness and rollerblading. Maybe it’s video games. Ask yourself:

1) Is there a way I can turn my passion into a business? Maybe start a fitness rollerblading class? Start modding games online for free, building up a portfolio that might get me a programming job someday?

2) Do I love ___x___ enough to focus on it for years? How much does it light me up?

3) Can I see a path where if I start doing this one thing that I love, other opportunities might follow?

Level Two:

As a first step in this powerful process, if you’re comfortable doing so, ask yourself: “If I were allowed to have my life exactly the way I want it, what would that look like?”

  • Describe your living situation and set of goals. Where do you live? What is the environment that makes you feel comfortable and brings true joy? What does your important work make you feel like? Does it involve other people? Is it creative? Is travel involved? How much money are you making?

  • Write down the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about these new ways of living. Consider creating a vision board to help visualize these goals.

  • If limiting family patterns show up—if you start hearing voices in your head saying things like “Working with your hands is demeaning,” or “Starting your own business is too dangerous,” write those limiting thoughts down. Remember, these thoughts are keeping you in your comfort zone.

  • Realize these are old family limits that you’re here to go beyond in a positive way! This is your next step toward a purposeful life.

Level Three:

Now you’re ready to explore your meaning of life with greater clarity. (If you want!) Keeping everything I’ve just said in mind, does “Find your purpose” now seem a little less scary? Do you have a new view of what “purpose” is? Let’s explore these following questions to gain a stronger sense of purpose:

  1. What thoughts, feelings, and actions pop up for me when I ask the question, “What is my purpose?” Consider how you might create a positive impact in the world.

  2. Take these simple steps and write them all down.

  3. Are many of the things that show up related to family patterns? Who else in your family system shares similar meaningful goals? Is it limiting or liberating?

  4. Is there something deeper and more personal arising? Are you getting the sense of a particular cause calling to you? Like “I feel a desire to help animals heal.” Or “I feel something inside me aching to be voiced.” Is it a creative prompt? To write? To make music? To paint? A pull to politics and activism?

The Secret Sauce

When you are investing in things or moving in directions that make you happy, this will grow you. As a result of personal growth and expansion, you will be more enthusiastic, engaged, and generous to those around you. 

Your expression of purpose may not be Earth shattering or huge, but if it springs from your heart and gut—from that place deep inside—your authentic self will emerge in the process of doing. And taking responsibility for growing into the most expanded version of yourself possible is a gift of inspiration to all those around you. It is also an adventure you may never have seen coming, filled with so much more than you imagined. 

And if there’s a family or social or religious pattern in you showing up right now whispering something like, “Isn’t it selfish to just do things that make me happy?” The answer is “No. It isn’t selfish. It’s highly philanthropic.” Because the bigger and happier you get, the more your happiness, generosity and excitement flow to others. You’re inspiring them to go for their dreams. In this way, the smallest happy-making endeavor on your part—making healthy organic dog treats for your own and others’ pets—becomes a genuine calling or big purpose that changes not just your own life, but the lives of others. In other words, finding your own happiness serves the world. And that is a great and much-needed purpose if I ever heard of one!

If you talk to any well-renowned specialist in their field, people who have gone the extra distance and accomplished remarkable things, if you ask them how they got started and what their initial motivation was, invariably they will tell you they were excited about something. An idea, a personal desire, a question grabbed and intrigued them. And the pursuit of answers made them happy. And then … their pursuit got bigger and their curiosity and excitement magnetized and helped others. They started making a difference in the lives of others. But the first truth was they pursued something that helped them to grow and feel fulfilled. And the more they expanded their personal pursuit, the more the benefits accrued and radiated outwards.

Still Blocked?

If you’ve read this far and still feel panicked around the whole “purpose” conversation, it is time to explore what is stopping you from focusing on doing something you really want and enjoy. 

  • When I ask “What is your purpose?” notice your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Write them down.
  • Are you allowed to have a purpose? If not, who said you couldn’t? 
  • Ask yourself whose purpose you have been living up until now?
  • Who would you be if you set down their purpose and invested in your own?
  • Do you understand that finding your own purpose serves the world?

From the lowliest to the most elevated positions in life, every single person has a purpose and can change their circumstances, but only when they choose to do so. Purpose is the antidote to being stuck or entangled in limiting family patterns. It contains the wings you are looking for. 

Explore your purpose and you will find the magic sitting in your own hands. It was right there all along, just waiting for you to see it. 

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.