Melissa Haymes, Author at Judy Wilkins-Smith

May 1, 2025May 6, 2025

Surround Yourself With Those Who Inspire you

Surround Yourself With Those Who Inspire You

Walking with Giants

In my last blog I asked you who made you pretend to be too small and why. Now I’m going to flip the question and ask you, “Who in your life has elevated you? Who are the giants with whom you have walked?” (Everybody has walked with giants.) This reflection is often the first step toward personal growth

Some of you are lucky enough to have experienced that with your parents. And you probably ended up wanting to grow up to be like them. How wonderful! Others of you may have had a teacher or a relative who stood tall in your eyes. Who was kind and big hearted, thoughtful and who listened to you and encouraged you, and told you how good you were. Perhaps you’ve been lucky enough to work in a company with leaders who elevate the people around them, including you. Surrounding yourself with the right people can truly be a great thing for your development.

You recognize these giants by the way they make you feel. They are on the opposite end of the spectrum from those who belittle, criticize, and do not see or support your potential. If you look at those who have made you feel uncomfortable, put down, or limited, chances are they’ve only had the same thing done to them and don’t know any other way to “lead.” They do not see the possibilities, only the problems. Amazing people lift others up rather than tear them down, inspiring those around them to reach their full potential.

The Company You Keep is Vital

It is no coincidence that most success books advise you to surround yourself with people who are more successful than you. There is sound reasoning behind that. High-functioning people are usually not the ones who will rain on your parade. They are the ones who look at you and see the inner genius waiting to be unleashed. I refer to these giants as possibility thinkers and creators of the world the way we would like it to be. Passionate people like these can transform how you see yourself and your potential.

You can easily spot these type of people in real life. They have a lot of energy, a ready smile, and they do not think the world owes them anything. They are always eager to create better lives for themselves and those around them. They’re always growing and finding new avenues of expression and creativity.

They don’t give up. They convert disappointment or failure into steppingstones for their next level of success. Their inner “self talk” is usually far kinder and positive than the inner self talk of most of us. After being in their presence, you feel energized and ready to take on the world. Often, you experience the lighting of your own inner fire. You come away with a better sense of yourself, a better sense of your own possibilities, and the belief you can get what you want to do done. This inspiration often comes from meeting people who have put in the hard work to achieve their goals.

Why then would you hang around with people who do the opposite?

Of course, the answer almost always is familiarity and the family system. We are so afraid to not belong that we deliberately, although often unconsciously, dim our light to fit in with those around us. However, if you look over at the giants, they, too, fit in. But in a very different way. Rather than trying to belong to something limiting, they create a space of uplift and belonging for those around them and themselves. They have realized that they do not have to shrink, and they create ‘fitting in’ on a much larger scale.

Giants are Made, not Born

Be aware these people were not always giants. It’s just that at some point in their lives they consciously chose to walk a bigger path. Look at Walt Disney. He came from nothing—the son of an itinerant carpenter, his father forced him and his brother as kids to work a paper route for money. It was tough love. But his father instilled a work ethic and desire for self-betterment that guided Walt to eventually create the world’s largest and most famous entertainment empire.

Elias Disney never accomplished much himself, but he lit a fire in his son. And inner fire is the most valuable commodity on the planet. Forget rare earth minerals or gold. Until they are mined by someone with vision and inner fire, they mean nothing.

Look around at the giants in any industry. They have passion and drive that is bigger than the obstacles they might encounter. They also know that it takes a village to accomplish their dreams, and they are quick to elevate the members of their village who want to join the dream. They do not hold back on praise. They know that in order to accomplish their dreams they need smart, talented people around them who also need their dreams encouraged and supported.

This isn’t grandiose or egotistical. It’s passing the baton of greatness. And “greatness” is in all of us. It’s the way we were meant to be … but we forgot.

Retuning the System

Systemically, because of our family and social systems, we are well attuned to suffering and limitations. They give us the excuse to stay small—swapping complaints and victim stories at the water cooler and over drinks after work. We’re delighted when gossip floats across our desk. It may not be nice. It may be boring. But it does generate a sense of belonging. Misery loves company, after all. Right?

And yet, the more interesting adventure, the one less chosen, is the adventure of passion and growth. When we are fortunate enough to plug into something bigger than we are, at some point, the light switches on and we can ride it all the way to success.

Have a look at your life. Who are the giants with whom you have walked? Who really made a difference in your life? Who made you feel good about yourself? What was it about them and their message that you could let in? Have you used what they taught you to start on your own conscious path of becoming a giant?

Yes, I know. Most of you are going to tell me you aren’t giants, and that you never could be. And I’m going to challenge you.

Please write down as many times you can think of where you have been kind, encouraging, elevating, or joyful.
Where did you see someone’s potential and point it out?
Where did you leave someone happier, wiser, more encouraged?
If I asked you to write down on a whiteboard all the times you made a difference in people’s lives—no matter how big or small—how big would that whiteboard have to be?

It may surprise you to discover that you are one of the giants in this world. Don’t underestimate yourself or the power of your words, your smile, your presence, your vision, to elevate people. Who knows how many giants you have helped to create!

Today, I want you to take an empty journal. On the front page write down the heading, “The Giants in My Life.” Then write down all the times that someone has been a part of lighting your fire. This is most important. Ask yourself what you thought about each person and each time. How you felt about that and what you did about that. These are the memories you need to activate. They are at the core of your systemic legacy for growth.

When you’ve finished, write down the next heading, “How I’m a Giant in the Lives of Others.”

More than anything, when a giant lights your fire, your job is to tend to that fire and pass it on. It’s part of your systemic heritage, and your gift to the world. And if you’re only on page one of this section, that’s okay. You have the rest of those journal pages to fill, and the rest of your life to do it.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!

April 15, 2025April 28, 2025

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs – Who Taught You to Pretend You Were Small?

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs - Who Taught You to Pretend You Were Small?

I have a very well-known client who is a top producer in Hollywood, bringing out some of the biggest movies and interacting with some of the world’s top stars. I asked her one day why she was behind the camera, not in front of an audience. It was just a casual question, but her answer and reaction revealed deep-seated negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs. She turned bright red and said “You won’t catch me dead in front of a camera or on stage!”

Now, I’d only asked her about being in front of a camera, but I’m used to listening carefully to what people say and how they say it. Her emotional reaction was extreme given the casualness of the question. And I noted the addition of the word “stage”- a potential blind spot in her comfort zone.

So, I asked her what had happened to her when she was on a stage, and how old was she at the time? She was shocked at my insight, but went on to tell me that when she was young age of eight, she had loved everything to do with the stage and entertainment. She attended a large school with a robust fine arts program, and at one point got together with a group of students and presented them with a play that she had written. She cast all of the children into the different roles, and took on the starring role herself.

They presented the play to the whole school. (She described it as “One of the greatest adventures of my life to date.” Which was a pretty huge statement!) Giddy with excitement at the good reception they received, she danced over to the teacher who was in charge of the program. Expecting to be praised for her extra work and initiative, she was floored by the teacher’s response: “Nobody likes show-offs, you should be ashamed. And you weren’t that good anyway.” This turning point created negative experiences that became the biggest obstacle to her personal growth as a performer.

This story illustrates how past experiences can shape our inner voice and create mental roadblocks that limit our full potential. What might have been this producer’s career path had that teacher chosen to nurture rather than criticize? How often do our own negative beliefs stem from similar moments in our life experiences?

The message sank deep and became part of a profile of shame. She never set foot on stage again, and it took her much time to become a movie producer. Her emotional well-being was so compromised that she would experience high anxiety anytime a director asked her to stand-in for a quick sound or camera check, causing tears and anxiety throughout production of her first two movies. This fear of failure had transformed into invisible barriers affecting her professional development.

I asked if she felt up to gently going back to revisit that moment – the first step toward healing these core beliefs. And I encouraged her to stop the process anytime it felt overwhelming. Setting up a constellation, I asked her to place a representative for her younger self, as well as one for the teacher, and for entertainment in general. There wasn’t much to do after that. She immediately got up from her chair and rushed over to the stand-in for her eight-year-old self and burst into tears.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she sobbed. Then she looked at me. “Everybody told me how good I was, but somehow that teacher’s words struck hardest, and I couldn’t get on stage after that. Even now, I find myself asking directors and actors if I’m too much or not good enough. And they’re usually shocked by my question. But now I can see, looking at my eight-year-old self, how impactful it was listening to the wrong voice. And how sad it all is.” This moment of recognition was the beginning of challenging limiting beliefs that had been operating in her subconscious mind for decades.

Pay Attention

As a systemic facilitator, I cannot tell you how many times people share similar stories. One line from a teacher or a family member is enough to send a child down rabbit holes of negative thoughts their entire lives. Words have weight. Our ears don’t always hear what is in our best life interests. The thoughts we create as a reaction to those words become self-fulfilling prophecy, either negatively or positively. Our gut reacts. Things happen. And before we know it, we become what we have chosen to pay attention to, creating long-term patterns that require conscious effort to change.

But how can an eight-year-old child ward off a negative comment by a teacher? The answer is straightforward: Teach your children not to allow anyone to make them small. Teach them that if somebody says or does something and it feels bad to them, and their bodies feel angry or sad, that they need to express their feelings. Sit with them. Validate their feelings and then tell them that other people’s opinions are not necessarily the absolute truth. Teach them that if something unkind is said, the owner of those words is talking about themselves. They should not and MUST not take those unhelpful thoughts into their bodies because they may be creating a lifetime of limitation. Perhaps they will even be repeating generations of limitation. Instead, help them develop empowering beliefs that will serve as defense mechanisms against such harmful messages.

What about you?

Every single one of you has been embarrassed, shamed, blamed, belittled, shocked, and guilted in a way that has changed your life. You may not have realized it, but every circumstance in which you find yourself feeling small came from some words or opinion or event that caused you to stop and feel bad about yourself. These experiences often become the most common limiting beliefs that affect your mental health and create negative self-perceptions. Now, you have a choice. You can hold onto those old beliefs, or you can go all the way back to where it began and coach your small, impressionable self into a whole new understanding.

Who told you that you were too small, too big, too whatever, and why? The answers to such simple questions can challenge limiting beliefs, create real change, and ignite profound growth. Think back, and then ask yourself:

What would you say to that younger self?
What would you like to say to the person that told you those wrong things about yourself?
What do you want to tell your future self?

This may sound like a simple practice, but it is literally an exercise that can undo the limiting “spell” that you helped to cast onto yourself. By recognizing your subconscious boundaries and becoming your own cheerleader, you are also setting up your future self for success.

I asked the client I was just talking about to do this exercise. After she apologized to her younger self, she told her younger self, “You were really, really good in that play,” Then she turned around and told her future self, “I’m coming for the camera.” We put a representative into the constellation for the camera, and she told it, “I have loved you all my life, but I was too ashamed to stand in front of you. I can’t wait to do that. I am really, really coming for you.”

Today, she is doing exactly that. She untangled what had been created and started heading towards what she really wanted. As a side note, it should not surprise anyone to find out that in her family her mother had also been shamed. On top of that, her grandmother had been told that “Girls should not show off.” So, her own experience was part of an ongoing family system pattern.

Systems are elegant. While the trauma is long gone, the body does not forget. The stories are always there, waiting to be discovered, given their place, and added to—turning tragedy to triumph. But few of us think to go back to where it all began.

And as far as the future is concerned. Next time somebody makes a pronouncement about you … is dismissive, angry and condemning, always realize that this is about them. Do not make it about you. Instead ask yourself internally, is “Oh yeah? Says who?” And then work out how to move beyond it. Shake off those chains! They didn’t belong to you in the first place.

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

April 1, 2025April 28, 2025

Shifting Limiting Patterns to Thrive as a Leader

Shifting Limiting Patterns to Thrive as a Leader

That Touchy-Feely Woo-Woo Stuff

Working with many large companies, part of the work patterns that I do is “offsites”—events away from the workplace, the purpose of which is teambuilding or supporting leadership development. And you would be amazed how often I’m asked, as soon as I walk in, “Are we going to do that touchy-feely, woo-woo stuff?”

This is usually code for, “Am I going to have to look at what runs me and my show and expose what will embarrass me?” (It’s also code for “I don’t think I’m good enough and I’m scared I may not belong or show up well.”) I immediately reassure the team members that embarrassment will not be part of the process. But as far as looking at what runs their show? The answer is an unapologetic “Yes.”

Systemic Work & Constellations is designed to educate, not embarrass. And learning more about yourself and others, how you engage with others and how they engage with you is not some ‘out there’ approach designed to make everyone uncomfortable. It’s the exact opposite! This approach recognizes that shifting patterns is essential for personal and professional growth.

For a large percentage of our lives, the patterns we inherit from our family system run the show. And, if we don’t know what those patterns are, they can hurt us—and not just personally. They also cross over into our professional lives, messing things up when we least expect it. The operational change needed often starts with understanding these underlying patterns, and we’re usually blind to what’s happening.

For example, I had a female client, a brilliant paralegal, who was on the verge of getting fired from the law firm she worked for. Why? She was always doing battle with the two male partners of the firm, siding with the female partner over everything. Why? Because she grew up defending her mother from an alcoholic abusive husband—a limiting-thinking pattern she didn’t realize was now running her professional relationships.

Studies show that great leaders and good business people have a great EQ—emotional quotient, which refers to their capacity to recognize and manage their own emotions and the emotions of others. They know how to get the best practices out of themselves and others. And one of the ways they do this is by understanding the unconscious patterns within themselves and by being able to identify unconscious patterns in those around them.

Doing this not only keeps us safer, it turns us into much smarter strategists. (And nicer staff members to be around.) When you know who you are, what you bring to the table, and you know where you belong, you can strategize and achieve your career (and personal) goals a whole lot easier! Maintaining work-life balance becomes more natural when you’re aware of your patterns.

Once you understand how to look for and shift limiting patterns, not only does this expand you as a person, it grows you as an associate and a leader. You become sharper, and the world swims into focus with a different viewpoint. You are far less likely to be blindsided, which makes you a valuable asset to any company you work with. This kind of personal growth directly impacts employee satisfaction and productivity.

Science-Based

Systemic Work & Constellations is grounded heavily in epigenetics and neuroscience—the science behind genetic emotional inheritance, and the discovery of brain plasticity. These powerhouse tools enable people to take giant steps by exploring unconscious limitations and reframing them into conscious strengths. Just like effective shift patterns in organizations require careful planning, our mental working pattern needs similar attention. Yes, we start out sessions with me asking people to share a personal aspect of their personal lives—and they often share something that is bothering them or not working for them. And, yes, they are usually nervous to begin with doing so. But as we explore the patterns within that issue and how they are being affected by them, a shift changes begins to take place.

Once they begin reframing limited-thinking patterns into helpful strengths and tools, they start to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of themselves and their patterns. This process helps establish a more predictable schedule for how they respond to challenges. Moreover, as they see the different patterns or matching patterns running their colleagues, they begin to develop more understanding and compassion. Such awareness is particularly valuable during times of high stress, similar to how workforce management strategies help navigate busy periods. And when you understand why someone is the way they are, it makes it so much easier to work with them. Instead of butting heads, understanding leads to cooperation and collaboration. Creating a flexible shift pattern in how team members interact leads to a more predictable schedule of positive outcomes. The big difference comes when people apply these insights to meet specific operational needs while honoring individual differences. Proper workforce management includes understanding these human dynamics, and this leads to increased productivity and enhanced employee wellbeing.

Smart Business

Exploring human potential and investing in it sends a clear message that the company values its associates and that it is not afraid to cultivate excellence and adopt leading-edge strategies. That, in turn, unlocks discretionary energy, aka passion. When a person feels valued, they are motivated to provide value. Understanding employee preferences creates a foundation for engagement that surpasses traditional business requirements. There is a sense of belonging and investment on their part. And when that happens, because it’s human nature to want to be a part of something bigger, people will play all day long. This results in loyalty, an ability to consistently generate surprising results, and low employee turnover, even among those working long hours.

Touchy-feely? I think not! Rather this approach shows how business and personal transformation are actually good friends. They meet the needs of the organisation while addressing individual growth. They do not sit at opposite ends of the spectrum. The right people with the right mindset can transform an organization’s culture. But there’s another aspect to the work I do that helps company leaders explore complex issues and evaluate potential business model paths to follow. Namely the capacity to explore issues in three dimensions—literally to dimensionalize ideas so they can be seen, heard and felt, and not just abstractly thought about.

How many businesses do you think wish they had the opportunity to test ideas and strategies in 3D? This approach enhances operational efficiency in ways traditional planning cannot achieve. Without testing in 3D, planners cannot see the bottlenecks, opportunities, hidden patterns, or unconscious biases that may gridlock or terminate a really good project or idea. Making a project tangible using multiple senses unlocks insights, giving the head, heart, gut connection important information it requires for decision-making, enabling organizations to better respond to operational demands and consumer demands.

When I work with companies that use this 3D technology for diagnosing, strategizing, and designing company paths and directions, they report discussions moving in exciting directions they had not anticipated. This creates operational flexibility that traditional approaches miss. They find solutions they would have never contemplated, often challenging common shift patterns in thinking. The resulting innovations can help organizations navigate various factors that affect performance, from team dynamics to market conditions. With this approach, companies are better equipped to handle last-minute changes while maintaining their strategic focus and direction.

Seeds of Greatness

As humans we are inclined to quickly shut down what we don’t understand or dismiss it as “out there” instead of using it to our advantage. Just as shift workers adapt to changing schedules, our minds must adapt to new ways of thinking. For far too long the human inner world has been a landscape business has been reluctant to explore. And yet therein lie the very seeds of our genius. It also contains information and wisdom from prior generations that may help us to make smart decisions. Much like creating effective shift patterns, we need to recognize when old patterns need adjustment. What has been a limitation in a prior generation is often waiting to become a superpower in our hands. With a tweak or a reframe, what seemed sad or hopeless is often the pivot point that becomes purpose, direction, and success, similar to how a well-designed alternating week schedule can transform productivity.

Learning to understand themselves deeply is gold for leaders looking to get to the next level, who want to think outside the box or hone a particular skillset. This self-awareness helps them create the right shift pattern for their teams and organizations. The invisible and the unconscious become a treasure chest for the innovative leader who is willing to look. These people understand very clearly that this is neither woo-woo nor touchy-feely, but human advancement at its finest, comparable to how shift planning revolutionizes organizational efficiency.

Such individuals and leaders understand that their limits are only the ones that they give to themselves. They know that when the mind and heart and gut work together, powerful innovation and incredible advancement can result—much like how continuous coverage ensures that no opportunity is missed. Their minds don’t operate on rigid work schedules but remain flexible and adaptable. Sometimes they need rest periods to recharge, while other times they work with the intensity of those on night shifts, pursuing breakthrough ideas. They are not afraid of what might seem woo-woo or touchy-feely, understanding that beneath such a label there is gold to be found. They recognize that the right time to implement new ideas often comes when they’ve allowed themselves to explore beyond conventional thinking, similar to how the effectiveness of a shift pattern is measured by outcomes rather than adherence to tradition.

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

March 15, 2025March 21, 2025

Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim

There are victims. And then there are victims. Many times, quite unintentionally, we are victims of negative experiences from family members, or a car accident, or assault, or have been cheated in some way. These negative situations may give us the short end of the stick for the first time. In these cases, we’re a victim, but only briefly because, as we heal, we move on.

But there are also victims who stay victims because they don’t know how to move on. They haven’t been taught how to think differently. They don’t know how to advocate on their own behalf in a way that moves them past “stuck.” And they succumb to self-victimization, often developing a victim mentality as a coping mechanism. This can become a habitual way of responding to life circumstances, leading to learned helplessness over a long time.

I have seen people who have been abused, assaulted, or cheated who never recover from the story they create around the situation. People tell them, “You will never be the same after that.” And they agree and they stay stuck in the trauma. Then there are others who agree—they know they’ll never be the same again—but they use what happened to rise-up even higher than before. Through personal growth, they are no longer victims.

So, what is the difference between these people? Plain and simple, the thoughts, feelings, and actions aligned with their emotional DNA that take them one way or the other. Let’s look at this dynamic.

Cultural Programming

Many people from many demographics, cultures, and ethnicities carry an emotional DNA burden on their backs and are stuck in a trance of victimization, In some cultures, suffering as one’s forefathers suffered becomes something of a badge of honor. But the cost individually, generationally, and culturally is enormous as evolution is stunted. People become so wedded to being loyal to the suffering of those who came before that they will fight the idea of switching the paradigm and thinking, doing, and being different. This learned behavior continues over the long run, creating a repeating pattern that’s difficult to break.

Wars are started in this way. Peoples’ unconscious loyalties to what came before keep them stuck in the victim mentality, angrily defying any suggestion that change might be good, holding onto rage and thoughts of retribution rather than acknowledging that the past trauma is past and it’s best for all concerned to move on.

The Master Victim

The master victims are the ones who carry immense burdens with the smile of a saint. Unfortunately, they may look good on the outside, but inside they’re secretly longing for a happier life. But because they’ve chosen the victim role their culture, ethnicity and sometimes the global system at large insists upon, they know a happier life is not their lot. They look around and all they see is the system and they can’t understand anything else is possible. So, they make the best of a bad situation and opt to elevate the position of victim as a payoff.

And don’t you know, “misery loves company.” Many people choose to band together and commiserate with one another about their unfortunate lives, especially during hard times. It feels good because everybody’s doing it, so it becomes what’s normal. The master victim often enters a victim mode that becomes an acquired personality trait over a lot of time. The master victim’s goals also tend to be small, and they may be resistant to suggestions of positive change in general. If they achieve something significant, they tend to put it down to luck and/or downplay their role.

A lot of anger is associated with being a master victim. And one of the ways to channel this anger is for a master victim to become the champion of some sort of cause. In systemic work, we see this a lot in demographics that have been beaten down, marginalized, ignored, or forgotten. People borrow generations of anger, seeing themselves as change agents. The problem with the champion/activist is that—coming from the victim’s mindset—they are seldom there to simply right the wrong and add value. Instead, caught in their history, they’re unable to be fully present and effective, instead, repeating and expanding division and negative emotions and anger.

Victimhood Starts Early

School is one of the first places where we have the opportunity to stand up for ourselves and grow. I often ask school-aged children who are struggling, “How did you feel when you got upset and stuck? Did you ask the teacher to help? To clarify what happened? Did you make sure that you got what you needed?”

Unfortunately, often the answer is “no,” because they either have never received much help from their own family, or they are too self-conscious or embarrassed to ask the teacher for help. So, instead, they blame, and say things like “Mrs. Barton doesn’t know how to teach.” Or “Mr. Anders hates me.” They develop a sense of helplessness and are stuck. (Blame always stops progress.) At that point I offer them the idea that if they are a little bit brave, they might get what they need and even end up liking themselves in the process. I tell them asking for help is a brave thing to do and that it will make them feel stronger and more capable, helping them leave their comfort zone.

This, of course, is a strategy that works well at pretty much any age and any situation where somebody is stuck blaming others and feeling helpless. The best way forward is recognizing your own needs and taking an action step toward addressing them. Inviting help is always a way forward and definitely a bold move away from playing victim. It helps build mental toughness over time. It’s something I wish we would all teach our children.

Moving Ahead

In my last blog I gave a recipe for manifesting miracles. Which is pretty cool. But I’m willing to bet that at least 80 percent of people looked at the word “miracle” in the title and thought, “No way that’s happening for me,” and tossed it. Well, guess what? That’s the thought and act of someone with a victim mindset.

“But I don’t have the time. Miracles don’t work. I don’t have the bandwidth to read another ‘How to improve my life’ blog.” Well, I’m sorry, but these are all victim excuses often fueled by negative self-talk. How can you tell? Because such excuses are often accompanied by a teeny jolt in the stomach—a tiny pang of guilt that’s there because you really want to believe that miracles can happen and that you can create one. But victim consciousness is standing in the way, telling you that you can’t have that.

So, where does the tipping point lie? It comes at the moment when you rise up and say, “Enough!” with sufficient conviction that you elevate yourself out of whatever belief system is dragging you down. When this happens, you take full responsibility for your own life and are victim no more. You have risen above division and anger against a perceived oppressor (often oneself); you have risen above pretend indifference and hopelessness. You have moved past the family trance. Your emotional DNA has shifted to the upside.

Are you on the edge of change? Look around and read about nations and places, like Singapore, where the poor and hopeless chose constructive action and elevated themselves. Watch the disadvantaged child rise-up to become a star pupil. Notice when somebody you know was hurt, but instead of playing victim, offers insight and compassion instead of retaliation. This is how you build personal power and begin the journey of personal development.

Notice strength when you see it. Notice where you resist help, and instead of falling down on the job out of pride and then feeling bad about what happens, be a little bit brave and ask for assistance. Taking the first step to overcome your critical inner voices is essential for mental health.

All it takes is one simple pivot from being a victim to identifying something that makes you want and be a little more. And so, the magic is stirred up and the trance of the master victim is lifted.

Practice:

Write down all the places / situations in which you feel victimized and unhappy. Do this on a daily basis to become more aware of patterns.

Notice where your part in this situation lies. Take personal responsibility rather than playing the victim card.
Did this stance begin with you? Or is this part of your emotional DNA inheritance?
Go for a walk, and then find a place that feels warm and good and write down how you would like things to change; how you would like to be. Set realistic goals for yourself.
Is there a new thought about where you are right now? A new feeling that might shift something?
Ask yourself, “How could things be different for me?” Consider ways to take control of your life.
Remember imagination is the key. “How might it be if I am no longer felt like a victim? What might I do for myself and the world?” Focus on great things that could happen.
Every day over the next 21 days, revisit what you have written down. Find ways to act on your insights. Move ahead and bring joy to yourself and those around you. This consistent practice will help you transform negative thoughts into positive ones.

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

March 1, 2025February 28, 2025

How to Manifest Miracles & Create What You Want in Life

Want a Miracle? Here’s How

The thing about miracles is that, very often, as soon as we put in our request, we shoot ourselves in the foot. We really, really want something and don’t know how it’s going to happen. But our heart is trusting and open and says, “I’m very, very sure about this miracle!” It may even say, “I see it done!” Which is a really solid approach to take for understanding the manifestation process. Until the poison sneaks in and starts sewing doubt. “Aw, it’s not gonna happen,” you think. “How can that possibly happen?” And then, surprise! It doesn’t happen.

Any clues as to the origins of those doubts? If you said, your family system and the beliefs in that system, you are quite right. Very few of us are taught to believe in miracles growing up. So into the family systemic trance we go. And instead of being excited about life’s possibilities, we let negative thoughts control us and berate ourselves for having stupid thoughts and dreams. The power of your mind is incredible, but often we don’t harness it properly because we haven’t developed the positive thinking necessary to manifest what we truly desire.

Even the most enlightened among us are able to kickstart a dialogue of self-doubt (aka miracle destruction). It goes a little like this: “I’m almost sure __X__ is going to happen. But what if it doesn’t? I don’t want to invest too much time and energy on it if I’m only going to end up disappointed.” We don’t want to fail. And we also don’t want to feel like a fool for believing a miracle can occur. Understanding the law of attraction means recognizing how these thought patterns affect our outcomes.

I hear from so many people things like, “When I was small, I wished for a pony. When I didn’t get one, I realized the stupidity of wishing.” So instead of hoping and believing, we go raid the refrigerator instead. At least we know we can count on that. This disconnects us from the present moment where miracles actually begin to take form.

Can You Spell Sabotage?

So, if you are almost sure of the miracle, why are you riddling it with verbal bullets? Where is the harm in being 100 percent invested in a miracle and believing it all the way to the finish line? Are you so fragile that what you deem to be a failure might stop you from ever wishing for anything again? The power of your thoughts has more influence than you may realize.

It’s really important to find out where in your system the ‘no’ to your miracles lies. If you don’t, your heart may be open to wonderful things, but your head and gut are always going to start an opposing discussion out of unconscious loyalty to the family system. Creating clear intentions is a powerful way to override these limiting family patterns. Explore your life and the lives of your family members. Whose voices are in your head saying you can’t expect good things to happen? Whose voices and attitudes are stomping on your heart’s dreams?

Your head, heart, and gut must be in agreement for a miracle to manifest. Your heart has to be open and excited. Your mind has to be open and your thoughts positive. Your gut has to have that knowing feeling that “Yes! This is happening!” If head, heart, and gut are not in alignment, we argue the miracle out of existence. We create blind spots and cannot see the miracle, even if it is right in front of us.

For example, take the head. We need it to be clear about what we want. After all, this is the substance of miracles, right? Clearly ask and ye shall receive. So far, so good. But then the head starts to argue for all the reasons why it can’t logically happen. The family motto, “Everything we make is by the sweat of our brow,” kicks in. Or we recall grandma saying “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”

This seems to keep us safe because thinking this way we are in harmony with the rest of humanity who wish miracles happen but are scared to believe in them. We default to our logical grown-up selves and kill it right there.

Now, let’s move to the heart. In a moment when we are feeling good and trusting life, we ask for a miracle. We are grateful. We’re experiencing elevated emotions, and get excited. And then the head comes knocking and explains to the heart why we don’t deserve it or shouldn’t go after it or it can’t happen. And with that little prompt the heart gets into a place of hurt and closes.

Now, with the brain and heart misaligned, the gut, also referred to as our second brain, receives a signal that something is off, and immediately its danger signs begin flashing. If the feeling is strong enough, it sends you to the cupboard for an antacid or an antianxiety tablet. Can you see why you drop the idea of a miracle like a red-hot potato? And how many times do you think you have talked yourself out of a miracle at the last minute and walked away just before it unfolded because of this?

What If ...

Chances are that at some point in your life, no matter how small that event was, you have experienced a time when everything went right, and you walked out with a win. It was a miracle, but you forgot to catch it, recognize it, harness it, debrief it, celebrate it, and accept it for the miracle it was. Recognizing these moments is the first step in understanding your own power.

Stop and think about one of those moments. It’s very likely you were “all-in.” You were on a high vibration that was demonstrating head, heart, gut alignment. And when what you wanted came to fruition. But, because you were never taught that this was the stuff of miracles, you missed it.

So, what might happen if, for once, you consciously invested in a miracle and followed its trail with an open heart, an open mind, and a settled gut? What different outcome might you have? Making this a daily practice could transform your entire perspective on what’s possible.

Think about buying a special gift for someone you love. You don’t put obstacles in front of that. Your head, heart, and gut all say “Yes!” You may have a momentary concern, but you have enough energy to push through that hesitation. When you see the joy on the face of the recipient, you feel good about yourself. You know you did something right. Remember that feeling, because that is what you are after when you co-create a miracle.

Why do I say co-create? Because the miracle couldn’t have been born without you taking responsibility for making the ask. You are responsible for wanting, asking, and receiving that miracle. But you are also asking the universe/life for something and then receiving. It’s a co-creation. You are also creating something new within your family system: Hope, possibilities and miracles!

Miracle Practice

So, the next time you want a miracle, don’t hold back – go all in. Give hope and miracles a chance. Take your foot off the brake and hit the accelerator hard. Every single thing in the world is in existence because someone was willing to make the request and receive. Now it’s your turn! But there are a few things to keep in mind.

Don’t discuss your dream and set yourself up for expectations and failure.
Don’t quit! The only time you fail is when you quit too early, and you usually quit too early because your head, heart, and gut are not aligned.
Don’t psych yourself out by listening to family programming.
Start noticing the many miracles around you. Life is a miracle, remember?
Consciously invest in creating and feeling positive emotions. High-level emotions create a field of energy that magnetizes good things.

When you create a goal and invest in it, nothing on this Earth is going to stop you from getting there. If you don’t believe me, think about the smaller things in life you want to receive. You want a frozen yogurt, and as soon as you decide that’s what you want, nothing will stop you from getting it. Right?

The more you ask for and believe/invest in your dreams with an open heart, the more you increase your determination and clarity, the more you enhance you Emotional DNA, which is the doorway to your miracles. Practice, practice, practice. Amazing things will happen when you do.