Category: Systemic Patterns

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How Viewing Generational Patterns Through a Genealogical Lens Creates Success

Generational Patterns

How Viewing Generational Patterns Through a Genealogical Lens Creates Success

Gaining knowledge and insights about your generational patterns creates freedom and expansion. And one of the most fruitful areas to look for that knowledge from is your  ancestral heritage along with its accompanying emotional DNA.

So, what is emotional DNA? I’ve discussed it many times before, but briefly, it’s the patterns of  emotions, thoughts, actions and inactions you’ve inherited from your family lineage. You’ve probably heard of generational trauma and family patterns? That’s what I’m talking about here.

Genealogy through an Emotional DNA lens

Being able to have a direct encounter with your ancestral heritage by realizing it is embodied in you and perhaps expressing through you is a powerful and transformative experience that facilitates breakthroughs, insights, and change.  To go in search of your genealogical heritage, hold in mind specific issues and/or problems you are experiencing. Perhaps you’re experiencing a consistent lack of money. Or perhaps you have trouble holding onto intimate relationships, or you never seem to get ahead at work no matter how hard you try.

As you investigate your genealogy and discover what some of your ancestors were up to, what they experienced and went through historically, answers to your own issue (s) may begin to surface. Maybe you had a great-grandmother who lived through the 1904 earthquake in San Francisco. Or an ancestor who took part in the French revolution, or experienced the pogroms in Russia. Ancestral trauma is a very real thing. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and actions as you begin to uncover possible clues about historical events that may have triggered the expression of multigenerational family patterns in you.

Eye-opening insight into generational patterns

It’s an amazing thing to realize that choices made by those who came before you about the events that happened in their lives, have become the language, feelings, thoughts and actions that often live in you and are expressed by you. For example, Doug was stuck in a dead-end job. He knew he had the talent to be in upper-level management and make his way to the C-Suite. His line manager kept thanking him for the ways he evoked and nurtured talent in others around him, yet never gave Doug the promotion he deserved. He thought about leaving the company many times, but didn’t quite have the courage to do so. Not surprisingly, Doug felt trapped.

When we looked at his family beliefs and history, Doug realized that his father had also been undervalued and unacknowledged in the employment agency where he worked. Perennially overlooked for promotion, his father refused to complain or look for more substantive work, saying he needed to put food on the table, and he wasn’t about to jeopardize the family’s safety by leaving a steady job.

The trend went further back to his grandfather’s work as a perpetual line manager in the auto industry, and possibly back before that. Doug also recognized that employee loyalty and job longevity were highly prized in his father’s and grandfather’s generations. In fact, his father would often tell him, “Stick to one place and don’t make waves, son. Security above all.”

You are not stuck

Once Doug saw the pattern, he was determined to make a change. When I pointed out that experience in several different companies can actually add value to one’s resume, Doug was able to objectively evaluate his skills and capabilities. Realizing his value, it became a no-brainer for him to seek employment elsewhere. He was quickly snapped up at a higher salary and position.

By understanding the systemic piece that had kept him stuck—the multigenerational family pattern expressing through his emotional DNA—Doug was able to make a different choice that gave him a sense of freedom and self-confidence he had not enjoyed before. 

Take it from Doug: You are not stuck, or restricted. It’s just that an unsatisfying situation in your life may well belong to your ancestors! Ask yourself: “Is my life a reflection of another family member? Am I repeating generational patterns? What else is possible through me? What do I want? What is possible for those who come after me?”

Remember, everyone adds to the family system and family behavior patterns in some way. Change is growth. What will your gifts be?

Success and freedom are right within your grasp. Once you understand what has you feeling limited or trapped you will be able to reshape your life and career.

To learn more, join me at one of my interactive events.

Emotional DNA
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Leaders are created by their choices

Align Your Personal & Professional Life

Your level of leadership depends on where you came from and what you tell yourself about that.

By what they think, hear, feel and also by what they inherit from the generations that
came before them. Above all they are created by what they make that inheritance consciously mean in their lives.

Legendary coach Vince Lombardi once said:

“Leaders aren’t born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work.

And that’s the price we have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.”

He’s partially right but it’s not just about hard work.

It’s about consistent and conscious work.

It’s also about knowing what lives in your family system and how that’s affected you and
make no mistake it does.

Whether you know them or are closely connected or not at all.

At some point legendary leaders make the choice to be leaders.

They choose to have something to stand for and then they
dedicate themselves to being the best leaders and living the best lives that they can.

They understand that a great life isn’t about just drifting. It’s about crafting mindfully.

And if you ask them, they can generally tell you the moments or events that ignited that.

Quite often it begins early on in life. Many times, in reaction to an event and what they made that event mean for them.
Once that decision is made and accepted, it becomes their north star.

They explore, grow, and assimilate everything aligns them with their decision.

They continually add knowledge and insight to their inner world which in turn affects their outer world.

They teach themselves to be willing to look.

In terms of success in our lives, more than anything, it’s a matter of making a choice and then dedicating yourself to making that a reality.

To do that you have to able to pay attention to what lives in your mind and in your systems around you and your family system is rich with clues.

They live in your language, thoughts, feelings actions and reactions. In your leadership, success, relationships, finances.

In fact, just about everything around you.

You don’t just inherit physical DNA you also inherit your patterns of thoughts feelings and actions and the first place

they come from are your family systems. We are all constantly activating and wiring instructions to our brains.

Often not very kind ones either and changing that begins a process of success and fulfillment.

The most successful people know that they have to do this mindfully and consciously. They align everything they do, say,
feel or think with what they want and a set of instructions that keep them headed in the right direction.

Their self-talk, choices, goals, and commitment keep them on track.

It’s all about consciously choosing and then dedicatedly and repeatedly
growing strong patterns or changing limiting ones, that takes them to success.

Mindful patterns require, passion, a clear goal or driver or both and the willingness to look at and invest in themselves.
Often I ask the leaders I work with what they stand for and why that is so important and most of them can tell me what started
the ball rolling for them and what pulls them to keep going and growing.

What many of them don’t consciously connect with, are the dots between what started them on their path and what may
have happened in generations prior to them.

Or as the result of a significant event in their own lives and their response to

multi-generational patterns of thought, feelings, and actions they used to react to the event.

You see great leaders don’t happen in a vacuum.

They use the thoughts, feelings and actions that live in their family or
organizational systems too. And when they do so consciously, it enables them to elevate from being good leaders to legendary
leaders.

Let me explain and then give you an example:

Who we are as leaders is based first on our primary pattern makers. Our family
system. We watch listen and tell ourselves what is right or wrong and then act accordingly.

By the way we do that throughout our lives in our day to day world.

Society is a large meta system and different parts of it also have their rules and regulations that we obey to belong and disobey
at our risk.

Every family has a unique pattern of language, thoughts, feelings, and actions to which we are constantly responding.
We move either in reaction to, or in collusion with, our family systems.

And for those of you leaders who are not connected to your families, even you are responding to them in their absence or
presence: “I will never be like them.” “I will show them all.” “If they knew me they might be impressed” “I will make a family of
my own through my company.”

As I said you are evolving in reaction to or collusion with them. Know them or not.
Some of you will tell me “I don’t even know them, so how can I be like them?”

Research suggests that these patterns are passed down to us through the generations. Mostly quite unconsciously.

In life with respect to the systems of which we are a part we have two choices. To repeat the patterns or to do it differently.

A phrase you will hear quite often in systemic work and constellations.
The most intriguing aspect of systemic work is perhaps to realize that our family and indeed all other systems are geared
towards our evolution. Waiting and wanting for us to change.

Hoping we will add to or change the history or stuck-ness that lives in our family line. The minute we start looking at our
patterns and/or the patterns of those who came before us we are no longer flying blind. And when we embrace the gifts that
those patterns offer us in terms of growth everything changes.

Now the world and our families are always in service of us and we can see it.

Sometimes pieces of our past or childhood are painful, and we get stuck there. It’s when we can look at those places and
notice their gifts waiting for us to grow them that things begin to shift for us.

We have been so conditioned as human beings to suffer our way into transformation that we have no idea that we have
success and fulfillment in our very own hands.

But how?

It’s all the wiring that we do in reaction to what’s around us and what came before us.
Our brains and systems are truly magical (alright ‘remarkable’) collaborators when we use them wisely and consciously and leaders who do this become visionary leaders. They use what they have to create what they want.

We are the creators of our world around us. We tell ourselves things, have feelings in response and then believe those
feelings and tell our brains this is what’s happening and wire it in. We believe what we are telling ourselves about ourselves
and the world around us all the time!!

And then we make that the truth only it’s really just our truth!

Leaders do this all the time and systemic work and constellations teaches good leaders to become great leaders by
exploring those patterns in their family and organizational systems and choosing what they wish to make them mean in
their own lives and leadership.

They are astounded to see how much of who they are begins in the family system and even more amazed to see how their
family systems have contributed to who they are as leaders.

I teach an entire module of work that I teach devoted exclusively to leaders and organizations and how to explore and
evolve both.

Once leaders know what lives in their systems, they are able to see what has held them back and what has elevated them.
They learn to explore obstacles and limitations and reframe them into the gifts and strengths they were meant to be.

I recently had a client who went into a high state of anxiety because she thought she had messed up her entire career by
neglecting to take good care of it. She was under the mistaken impression that just ‘being a good
soldier’ would get her noticed and result in rewards including promotions.

Life doesn’t work that way. We have to take good care of those careers and grow them like children.

As we started working together I was curious to understand why she hadn’t gone all the way to the top?

She certainly had the capability. We looked at ways that she could step up and gain more visibility and within a short while

one of her leaders told her they were impressed and surprised and wondered where she had been all this time?

What a compliment! Well not for my client! She went into shock, thinking she had neglected her career somehow.
So, we took a look at her father’s career and she realized that he had always said: “Always look after your career, work hard
but don’t stick your neck out too far.

She had faithfully listened to not sticking her neck out too far and made that her mantra and in doing so she had yet another insight.

He once told her he wondered what might have happened if he’d taken some bigger projects or chances that he had been

offered but his father had said family first and turned down a large promotion of his own.

Notice the multi-generational effect?

When she could see that she had built a solid framework like her dad had she was pleased!

She’d done what the family system said was right.

At the same time, she realized that not sticking her neck out and
promoting herself was hurting her.

Yet here was the opportunity… her father had also said I wish I had taken a few more risks but… family first.

She was able to see that by making herself more visible and showing who she was and what she stood for she could

put herself in a great position to excel. It wasn’t taking a chance it was investing in her growth.

When she pointed out to her father that he had always said family first just like her grandfather, he showed her how
furthering her own career afforded her family more chances. So, she could be at ease with that too.

Later when she spoke with her mother, her mother told her that she had always wished that her father would have gone as
far as he could and that settled her even further.

But take a look at how that language that lived in her family precluded her at first from taking a compliment

from her boss and instead turning it into self-doubt and shock.

We all do that. We do what I call toilet talk.

Leaders learn to move beyond that and wire their brains differently and consciously.

They invest in what grows them not what slows them.

Systemic work and constellations show you where and how you set yourself up for failure and how to flip that around and use
the multi-generational patterns in your system for success.

Neuroscience will tell you that you are re-wiring your brain.

Systemic work and constellations use a multidimensional process called a constellation to explore where your patterns
came from, how they serve or limit you, and how to reframe them into patterns of success.

As leaders, this is a powerful tool for taking your leadership to the next level.

Moving you from good to great.

I work with a number of Fortune 500 leaders around the world and with leaders at all levels in all walks of life. I am honored to
be able to watch everyday people elevate their internal leadership and shine.

I look forward to meeting you too and watching the leader in you emerge.

Now it’s your turn.

Please share below so we can learn from each another in our community!

Please do not hesitate to reach out to us on our contact page if you have any questions or need support. We are here to serve your leadership!

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The Magic of Purpose & Clarity

Purpose & Clarity

When people tell me they’re stuck and can’t find their purpose quite often what they are sharing is that they haven’t made something meaningful enough to commit to and invest in all the way.

Your old patterns and unconscious loyalties may be getting in your way. You see, that kind of purpose doesn’t have excuses or reasons to stop. It is strong and you find yourself plugging in until you get there and you are the one who chooses it. You make meaning of something that changes your life.  

Many people who make it, tell themselves something really important and builds a strong enough reason to bypass all their ‘buts’ and all the multi-generational patterns and focus on that one thing. Watch people in the zone. They are living their purpose. The bumps and hiccups are a part of the adventure and they know that. Every step grows their purpose in some way. 

By the way, you are always living a purpose but there are different levels of purpose and I will be sharing more about this in my advanced class on Purpose and Clarity DNA at Disney World.

One of the reasons people are so drawn to purpose is that they suspect that there’s something rather special about it and they are right. Purpose is the antidote to your cycles of limitation. It is one of the keys to a life you want. When you have a strong purpose nothing much will stop you. When everyone is looking at all the reasons something can’t happen, you are figuring out how it can. 

Purpose pulls you past all the limiting thoughts in your family, your organization, your community. It is in service of the bigger you and then you are in service of so much more. You find yourself wanting to share what you have learned or gained. You become the difference.

With purpose comes its companion, clarity. It can appear in a few ways. It might illuminate your purpose or the path to your purpose or help you gain clarity around the patterns and loyalties that may have lived in your systems for generations. You may find that you are having discussions you have avoided or you might see how your limitations were inherited from way back in the system and now it’s time for that to change through you. 

Finding your purpose begins with paying attention to what calls to you. Transformation always begins with wanting more and paying attention. If nothing has moved you then you might ask yourself what stops me from wanting or feeling. Once you pay attention and notice what keeps showing up for you that calls to your spirit and you make it mean something special, the game is on! 

Purpose demands a step beyond complacency, the couch, and the television. It stretches you and elevates you. There’s a mighty good reason that purpose is associated with endorphins. It’s a clue to the transformation you seek. 

At the Purpose and Clarity workshop, attendees will find out what stops you from finding your purpose and learn how to find it.

Break the patterns that keep you stuck and you breakthrough to your greatness.   

How big are you willing to be?

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A Practical Guide to Moving Beyond Limiting Cycles and What’s Holding You Back

I teach and facilitate many workshops globally and watch people do the remarkable, become remarkable and change their lives. I am privileged to work with incredible businesses to help them shift into a higher gear. Two of the questions I am most often asked is: “We see the shifts during constellations. Some people change and keep going and others subside again. Why? The other question I am most often asked is: “Can you show me a practical way to shift that I can use on a daily basis. “

To answer the first question: It’s about choice. Some people choose the shift and invest in it. Others are still more invested in what has them stuck than what wants to emerge. Breaking a cycle is often exactly the same as becoming an athlete. You have to practice accurately and then tweak and repeat. Doing something one time and breaking a cycle can and does happen. We see this often during the workshops we offer but for most of us, it’s exercising that muscle relentlessly. I ask people: “If you do nothing where will you be two years down the line?”

Now to the practical piece. Breaking a cycle in a doable daily way. Here we access neuroscience in constellations. We are always making meaning of events or patterns and then using aligned thoughts and feelings to hardwire the meaning into our bodies. Often as the result of an event that upset us and put us on notice. If we do the same minus the fear or because of a remarkable experience we can achieve the same result. And if we start to invest the same energy into exploring and celebrating what we do right, then we achieve the remarkable.

Putting It Into Practice

To break a cycle remind yourself that you are willing to look.  This isn’t a blame game it’s called hunt the clues, connect the dots, seek the treasure, invest in the journey and go there. Practically speaking:

  • Sit down and look at something that has you stuck. You keep hitting that same thing.
  • Write down everything you tell yourself about that.
  • Write down how you feel and identify where you feel that in your body.
  • Write down the actions you do/don’t take as a result
  • Write down everything you make this mean e.g. “I am not smart enough I will never succeed.”
  • Now think about what or who first-ever triggered that or something like that. Write it down.
  • Write down all the meaning you made of that event or the source of your feelings.
  • It might be an event or a multi-generation pattern. If it’s a pattern, ask yourself who said or did that first – for example – who said: “You can have love or money but not both.”? Or who might have said: “No one in our family becomes wealthy or successful.”
  • Now ask yourself does that meaning serve you? If not, can you lay it down or return it to its originator? Wanting more means you have outgrown this old pattern anyway. Return it with gratitude for lessons learned and feel the desire to be, do and have more. Dare to go there!
  • Look again at everything you say, do or don’t do and ask yourself: “Do I still want this?”
  • If the answer is no, then ask yourself what would you like to say, feel think about this?
  • Now start telling yourself a different story. Remember you teach your brain what you need it to know to serve you.
  • You are already doing this- mostly in a limiting way and living the results of your story.
  • Mindfully give yourself 3 new sentences to say each day and 1 new action to take that supports what you want. Feel it deeply for a few minutes each day and make it your truth.
  • Always go to bed and get out of bed thankful and optimistic. Your choices matter!

The remarkable thing is that if you follow this recipe, you cannot stay the same. You will be rewiring your neural pathways and breaking old cycles. Whoever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks simply didn’t understand the brain!

If you want a different life then it’s time to give up those old cycles and the thoughts and feelings that make you unhappy and invest in what gives you purpose and joy. Guilt, frustration, and sadness bring poor returns. I have worked with too many people from all walks of life to think you can’t do it. They all did and you can too.

And if you want it to happen faster, please join me at one of my workshops. You have a remarkable life, if only you know how to see it!

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Looking at Burnout through Systemic Work and Constellations

Burnout plays a specific role in our lives, especially when we look at it through a systemic lens and through constellations.

The Mayo Clinic describes burnout as a special type of work-related stress — a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity.

Let’s explore burnout using the 3 principles present in all systems: Order, balance of give and receive, and belonging.

If any of these are out of whack, they can cause stress and distress. They can, however, also serve as clues to patterns that need to stop and new ones that need to start to advance beyond burnout. Sometimes the origins of burnout can be in the company, or even your family of origin. A pattern has outlived its current usefulness, and something needs to change.

Let me give you an example: A CFO is suffering from burnout. He is overwhelmed and physically and mentally exhausted. He says he has to ensure that the company and its members are taken care of and he finds himself re-checking everything his team does. In the last while, he thinks about taking any other job where he doesn’t feel like he has the blood of the company on his hands’. He doesn’t understand why only he sees the danger of becoming too complacent.

Notice the words he uses that seem inflated or charged. ‘Exhaustion’,’ Making sure the company is taken care of’, ‘have the blood of the company on his hands’; ‘danger in becoming too complacent.’ We might wonder what has created a sense of urgency and a heightened desire to take care of everything.

Systemically, by taking care of everything, he has made himself too big. We call that being out of order. You might find as a result that his team is also out of order. When people carry too much, they may experience burnout. When people are micro-managed, they may feel themselves to be un-useful or unworthy and too small and may leave.

The company history revealed that there had been an accident where several team members were killed. The official finding was reckless endangerment due to inadequate equipment. The CFO who had been in the role for a year was blamed for failing to approve its acquisition. Team leaders had told him the equipment was fine and he’d taken their word for it. His two successors each lasted a year. This CFO had been in the role for a year and was feeling overwhelmed and fearful. The accident was not ever discussed. It was ‘put behind them.’

In systemic work and constellations, we know that what you exclude, creates a pattern that expands and repeats. It can suddenly show up as dysfunction or fear in the system.

This CFO’s father had left home when he was young. He’d often felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the challenges he’d faced as the eldest of 5 siblings. He’d had to be big so they could survive.

As we talked, he could see how he’d had to be big for a long time and had always taken care of too much. Now that his siblings were grown up and successful and the company’s safety regulations had mandated the right equipment, he could see that in both situations it was time to stop holding it all and time to start sharing the responsibilities.  He could give both events a place in his heart as sources of wisdom.

Burnout is sometimes an elegant systemic clue that something in your life needs to change. It’s not the end of a road but rather a pivot point or portal to the chapter you were meant to write. When you understand that, burnout can shift you to a new direction or a fresh sense of purpose.

Putting It Into Practice: Beyond Burnout

Let’s see how we can use a constellation to explore a place where you may feel burnt out or overwhelmed and notice if you can shift just a little. Remember it may take a little time but with a willingness to look and new insights comes to a shift and you may be surprised by the results a one-degree shift can produce for you.

Get yourself some pieces of paper and a marker. We are going to use the floor to engage multiple senses and give you a heightened sense of what’s happening and show you how to shift just one degree.

Today I want you to write down the event that has pushed you into burnout or overwhelm.

  • Write down who or what belongs in this event. Each component should be on a separate piece of paper.
  • Place them on the floor in relationship to each other.
  • Now. This is a testing constellation. I want you to find the place that overwhelms you the most.
  • Then find the place that allows you to breathe easier
  • If possible, find a place that makes you feel hopeful or happy.

Now ask yourself:

  • When did this first start for you?
  • What was happening at the time?
  • What is your biggest fear? (this is the pattern that wants to stop)
  • What is your heart’s biggest desire? (this is the pattern that wants to emerge through you)
  • What one small thing might you do, think or say differently that might shift your mindset and the feelings in your body.
  • Write it down and place it beyond the other pieces of paper.
  • Now, see if you can move there and stand on that and notice what you tell yourself about that and how you feel.
  • Remember choosing this is the first step.
  • Accepting your choice is the second. That’s all you need to do for now.

Please feel free to let me know how this works for you. And of course, if you want to know more or explore this in more depth please reach out to me directly or attend one of my workshops. This year’s advanced class addresses Purpose and Clarity DNA and will be held at Disney World. Details can be found in the Workshops link above.

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Systemic Transformation: What Is It and How Do We Do It?

Many of you have shared how your lives have changed since you started doing constellations work. You ask how to do more of that on a daily basis and you also ask what transformation really means. Seeing as transformation means so many things to so many different people, the second half of that question is a little harder, but I am going to answer both from a systemic perspective.

Have you ever felt that full-on body experience that gives you goosebumps? Perhaps you even felt like you were in an altered state, seeing and feeling things differently and at that moment you knew something had shifted. You may even speak of it as a time or event that changed your life. For all too many of us, this happens when we have an event that forces us to change and not always in what feels like a good way at the time. We will say in retrospect it was a good thing but having to change from shock or urgency isn’t pleasant nor is it necessary.

Conscious change carries a whole other level of transformation. In this space, we intentionally identify places we wish to change and the ways we want to feel and then actively go about making both happen. We switch from victims to co-creators and refer to this space as euphoric and life-changing. Why?

We get so caught up in our day to day life that we forget all that we are truly capable of creating and experiencing the remarkable. It’s not that we are closed-minded it’s that we may be closed-hearted and when the heart closes, so does the mind. When we hold strong points of view, we often don’t look for others, and so our point of view can become a reality for us. We may say: “I can’t do x, I am simply not smart enough, tall enough, pretty enough” and then that becomes the truth. Only, it’s really just your truth and you can change that any time you want to.

It’s when we deeply desire something or run out of excuses and mindfully open our hearts and actively look for and envision what we truly desire that everything changes. We create our own space in our systems, using our unique voices and it feels incredible, wonderful and right.

We find with systemic work and constellations, that you are able to create transformation where the right space exists when you are in a particular frame of mind, and when you consciously choose to change. To change, you first have to acknowledge your life exactly the way that it is without wishing for it to be different. You stop resisting and struggling and look. Now, you are free to imagine what’s possible and explore other options. Then you have to choose that path and follow it all the way to the conclusion. In neuroscience, they would say you are rewiring your brain. In constellations work, we say that you are rewriting your multi-generational histories and your futures.

Now. Transformation. When you open your heart, you can see possibilities. As you raise your consciousness or awareness, you are capable of profound and lasting shifts. Constellations make use of multiple senses and patterns to facilitate that. By dimensionalizing your inner image so that you can see it, feel it and interact with it, you shift from a head exercise to that full body-heart-mind experience that facilitates change and transformation. At that moment you are literally changing who you are. Your brain is rewiring. Your future is no longer repetition of your ancestral history. You are writing a new chapter.

We see students of systemic work returning to explore more layers of themselves and we see successful executives and organizations specifically requesting systemic coaches. They understand that transformation is a way of life, not a one-time thing and they recognize that the integrated human brain, heart and gut system is an emerging capability for humanity.

Daily Transformation

And this is the second part of your question. How do you create transformation daily?

As always, it’s time to grow your constellations insight just a bit more. And by the way, I love hearing from those of you who use these free exercises and let me know the results. Thank you. Keep the comments coming. Please also remember that transformation is no longer a woo-woo word. These days for successful people, it’s a must in their toolkits.

Today I want you to write down something that you would really like to do, that you know would grow you in ways that would make you happy and fulfilled and yet, you don’t do it. Then put that piece of paper down on the floor and just notice what happens as it lies there. What do you tell yourself about it and how do you feel?

Write down on separate pieces of paper:

  • Why I can’t do that
  • Who first told me I couldn’t do it?
  • Who told them they couldn’t do it?
  • What it feels like to not do what I really want to do
  • What it would feel like to do that thing and be really good at it
  • What it might cost me if I did it?
  • What it might cost me if I don’t?

Now place that thing you want to do on the floor and then place all the other pieces of paper around it in a way that feels right to you. (Trust your gut on this one. You have a better inner guidance system than you suppose.)  They represent the edge of the conscience that has you stuck. Stand on or near each one. Notice all the inner sentences that stop you and ask are they really true or have you made them your reason for not writing your own chapter? Remember, if you don’t, those who come after you can’t either.

Then stand on that thing you really want to do. No censoring. Just stand there and allow yourself to feel what that feels like. Feel it as much as you can.

Finally, ask yourself:

  • Is my desire to do what calls me, strong enough to get me past what tells me I can’t. If not, what steps do I need to put in place to create enough weight to move to the desire.

Remember if you are excited to learn more, or stuck and wanting to move ahead, there are workshops to assist you to do just that. Please explore my Workshops and join me for a life-changing experience.

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Beyond Your Invisible Do’s and Don’ts

Often what stops you most in life are the invisible do’s and don’ts that keep you locked down. Let me explain. We are all part of many systems. Our family systems, the organizations we belong to, our sports communities, our religious communities. And each system has spoken and unspoken rules about the ways we belong, the place or order we inhabit, how much we should have and receive.

We know that cussing in church won’t get us any brownie points and praying in a bar might raise a few eyebrows. We shouldn’t get too big for our boots and we should give a lot and receive a little. In other words, we have a clear sense of the rules and instinctively adjust to each different system. In systemic work, we call this the conscience of the system. You might say it’s the edge of a system. The place you don’t go beyond. You will hear it in your own words – ‘I can’t do that; I will get into trouble. Or ‘My family won’t like that.’ These are words that tell us we know we’re going into bad conscience. In other words, we are going contrary to the current rules of the system.

In systems, we know that the only function of the conscience is to bond us to our groups. Ever noticed that we do some awful things like killing each other in a war in good conscience and yet we do some really good things when we step into what we call bad conscience.  In fact, this is quite a transformative place and our head, heart, gut, and neural pathways know it when we go there. Many times, we find ourselves wanting to hit the brakes even though we know this is going to grow us. It feels unfamiliar but…this is often the place where we begin to expand the system and write our own chapters. It’s a truly incredible place. Once you start stepping out of limiting patterns and into your own destiny, the incredible tends to unfold.

So, let’s talk about that place. I like to describe it as moving beyond the fences of a system. I worked with a client who came to see me because she was depressed, and she’d tried everything. As we spoke her tone was fairly flat. Her family life she said, was okay but boring. And then suddenly she lit up. I’d asked her about things she liked to do outside of work. And when she said, ‘I love to sing!’ her whole face just beamed. She told me her teachers and mentors said she had incredible talent but then she looked at me and said: “What a waste. I can’t do anything with it.”

I asked why not, and she said: “In our tradition, the daughter stays at home and takes care of the parents.” I asked what might happen if she were to do it differently and have a career in singing and still be able to care for her parents in some way? She insisted that it was not allowed. We spoke for a while and she described her parents as loving and kind, so I asked her to just have a little courage on her behalf and talk to her parents about her talent. She nodded and left promising to have ‘the talk’ but not convinced anything would change.

I received an email a few weeks later. Turns out her parents, immigrants to the U.S., had come here to make a new life, like so many of us do. Her mother had already taken the first steps in moving ahead and described to her daughter that it was difficult, yet right. They had moved here to give the children a different chance and were only too happy for her to take the next step. Notice how the mother said”: “It was difficult but right.” That’s the system asking to stretch through you. It can feel difficult and yet when we go there, we feel the weight off our shoulders and the possibility in our wings. I always remind my clients that this is not a selfish thing. To grow the system, it has to begin with each of us.

Putting It Into Practice: Beyond the Do’s and Don’ts 

As always, it’s time to grow your constellations insight just a bit more. And by the way, I love hearing from those of you who use these freebie practices and let me know the results. Thank you. Keep the comments coming. Please also remember that transformation is no longer a woo-woo word. These days for successful people it’s a must in their toolkits.

Today I want you to write down something that you would really like to do, that you know would grow you in ways that would make you happy and fulfilled and yet you don’t do it. Then put that piece of paper down on the floor and just notice what happens as it lies there. What do you tell yourself about it and how do you feel?

Write down on separate pieces of paper:

  • Why I can’t do that
  • Who first told me I couldn’t do it?
  • Who told them they couldn’t do it?
  • What it feels like to not do what I really want to do
  • What it would feel like to do that thing and be really good at it
  • What it might cost me if I did it?
  • What it might cost me if I don’t?

Now place that thing you want to do on the floor and then place all the other pieces of paper behind it in a row.  They represent the edge of the conscience that has you stuck. Stand on or near each one. Notice all the inner sentences that stop you and ask are they really true or have you made them your reason for not writing your own chapter? Remember if you don’t those who come after you can’t either.

Then see if you can step beyond them and stand on that thing you really want to do. No censoring. Just stand there and allow yourself to feel what that feels like. Feel it as much as you can.

Finally, ask yourself:

  • Is my desire to do what calls me, strong enough to get me past what tells me I can’t. If not, what steps do I need to put in place to create enough weight to move closer to the desire.
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The Real Meaning Behind Difficult Events

Difficult events in your life aren’t train smashes or limiters, they’re portals, clues and pivot points!

As I write this blog, I am struck yet again by the numbers of people I hear say: “My life will never be the same again” or “I will always carry this with me.” Yes, that’s true—but it’s how you carry things with you, or how your life changes that matters.

We break a bone, it heals. There’s a scar and that bone will literally never be the same again. We are scarred for life but in a way that often strengthens that bone. Yet something happens to us emotionally, or even physically, and we label it as terrible and then suffer greatly, sometimes forever. Why?

The simple answer is that often we are looking through the lens of what we are told we should think and feel. It’s a multi-generational meta-pattern, but when we look through a systemic lens at patterns resting and emerging our perspective can change completely. We might ask:

  • Did anything like this happen to anyone else in my family?
  • If there is a pattern, is it one that’s trying to stop? Or is it a new one trying to emerge?
  • What is the hidden strength or information here? (And there is always both.)

Ever noticed how a heavy event cripples one person and launches the career of another? You can see that beautifully depicted in the film Saving Mr Banks. One thrives and the other crumbles. Why?

Systemic patterns are clues to what’s operating in our systems. Events create reactions which generate decisions, thoughts, emotions, language, actions, patterns and mindsets. Sound familiar? Here’s the kicker though, you get to decide how you will carry that scar. A scar, by the way, is simply a mark that shows an experience.

If you choose to suffer, it is a result of what you are making the event mean – or what generations of family or organizational members have made it mean. But if you choose to use it to thrive, something remarkable happens. The portal opens to a destiny. You use it as a pivot point and often your purpose is revealed. A new pattern can now emerge, and you are ready to write a remarkable chapter.

We are really good at suffering greatly, but do you dare to succeed incredibly? 

Today you get to look at a scar that limits you and see if you can find the systemic portal or pivot point from struggle to success.

Remember your systems are your gifts, not your curse. Your families, professions, groups are all designed to support you, once you know how to look. If you are ready to allow yourself to shift, scroll down to my freebie exercise, using a constellation, ofcourse, to look, feel and choose your shift.

Putting It Into Practice: Portals, clues and pivot points

Now for the constellations piece. We are, as usual, going to engage multiple sense and make the unconscious, conscious and the invisible, visible. Get yourself several pieces of paper that you can write on, a marker and a pen. Find yourself some floor space and take a few good breaths just to focus.

Today I want you to write down an event that you have never forgotten, something that may have felt like it scarred you, limits you and you carry that with you. Next, I want you to write down 2 things you tell yourself about that. Each on a separate piece of paper. Then write down 2 ways in which it limits you also each on a separate piece of paper. Place them on the floor in relationship to each other as it feels for you. Take that event you wrote down and place it in relationship to the other pieces of paper.

  • Stand on each piece of paper and notice what you feel or tell yourself.
  • Did anyone in your family ever experience a similar event or set of feelings?
  • Do you see a pattern and does this belong to you or is this a multigenerational event that you need to set down?
  • Do you see this as a limiter or something that makes you sad?
  • What meaning have you given this and how does it serve you?

Now ask yourself:

  • How might you turn this ‘scar’ into a strength?
  • How might your insights and pivot serve you and others?
  • How might this give you success and purpose?
  • For what do you owe this event thanks?
  • What one word or sentence might you use that writes a new chapter for you and your systems?

Finally:

  • Take that word or sentence and place it in relationship to the other pieces of paper and stand on that until you feel something shift for you.

Now you are rewiring the meaning you originally gave that event and if you do this fully and allow yourself to shift, your life is going to change!

Please feel free to contact me and tell me how this worked for you! Or attend one of my workshops where we will deep dive into systemic work and constellations. And sign-up for my newsletter to stay in touch.

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Breaking the Systemic Trance and Multi-Generational Spell

Relationship DNA

People are a little surprised when I tell them that magicians, magic and spells are alive—and spells are cast every day and quite possibly you are under one too. Let me explain.

In the last two blogs, we spoke about orders and principles in systems. We also spoke about multigenerational patterns and systemic trances, the things that keep you stuck and limited. They often begin with inherited patterns that you accept as though they were the absolute truth when they are in fact, just your truth.

Teacher says: “Tammy, you are great at drawing but don’t ever speak in public. That’s not your thing, you stutter a little.” Tammy always loved speaking to people but the teacher knows best and so Tammy’s truth becomes that she is no good at speaking in public and she passes up any opportunity to do so.  When we look at her history we find that grandma and mom stuttered and now, so does Tammy. We call this a systemic trance – or as I said in the beginning – what the ancients probably referred to as a spell.

To break a systemic trance or a pattern, you first have to acknowledge that it exists, in the way it exists without wishing for it to be different. That doesn’t mean loving it. It just means acknowledging it. Now you know where ground zero is.

Once you acknowledge the pattern you will begin to notice how much it affects your life. It’s the ‘spell’ that has you stuck. And maybe generations of family or company members are stuck in a similar manner.

By having a deep desire for something different and feeling it and growing it, you begin to make a stronger case for yourself to be able to go there. Or– if the pull isn’t strong enough you see it as just wishful thinking and subside into the systemic trance or spell.

You do this all the time by the way. “I want to go to Hawaii on vacation. I’ve always wanted to travel and do something exciting but my mom and dad have always said this state has all we need. Never mind, I’ll watch travel channels. That’s good enough for me too. Maybe one day…”

And then there are the wonderful times when you exceed your inherited Emotional DNA and go the other way. “I want to go to Hawaii on vacation. I know Mom and Dad say this state has all we need but I have a deep desire to see a little more.” So off you go and before you know it mom and dad are along for the next vacation too. When you ask why they never went before they tell you that their parents couldn’t afford it and so they all did vacations close to home and saying “what’s in this state is good enough” was a systemic sentence they created so that everyone felt good and belonged.

When you change a pattern, it has an effect going back and forwards. You move the system in a new direction and many times the pattern that has become a limitation can now rest and a new one can emerge. Your heart’s desires are the system’s way of encouraging you to move beyond the limiting or redundant patterns that no longer serve the system. Sometimes a solution in one generation becomes a limiter in another. It has outlived its usefulness and it needs someone to change it.

You have just shifted from being limited in the same way, to doing things differently, remembering that everything that came before this has a place and a purpose and it led to you and to this moment of the switch. The systemic trance is broken and the ‘spell’ is no more.

Putting This Into Practice

Today I want you to write down a place where you feel really stuck or you keep bumping into the same brick wall over and over again. Put that onto the floor as a floor anchor – to make the invisible, visible and answer these questions:

  • When did you first notice you were stuck and how did that feel?
  • What did you tell yourself about that?
  • Is or was anyone in else your family stuck in the same way?
  • Are there family sayings or mottoes around this?

Now ask yourself how you would really like things to be and write that down and place it on the floor a little bit away from the first floor anchor. Stand on the first floor anchor and look at this new one and answer these questions:

  • How much do you want this?
  • What old pattern would it be breaking?
  • How might that change your life?

Final step still standing on the first floor anchor.

See if you can create a new thought and a new emotion strong enough to move you from where you are to where you want to be. When you feel that, allow yourself to move over to the second floor anchor and stand there. Now feel that and notice what thoughts and emotions you have at that new place.

If you keep investing in those new ways thoroughly, you will move out of the old systemic pattern and into a new neural pathway that you are creating consciously. Now you are breaking the old cycles and creating new Emotional DNA.

In our workshops, we take a much deeper dive into your systems, what makes them tick, how they affect you and how to change your life and dimensionalize issues and desires but this allows you to start getting a sense of your head, heart, gut and family systems working together. Good luck.