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How to Find the Truth with Meta Patterns

how to find the truth

How to Find the Truth with Meta Patterns

When I grew up back in South Africa, we had a really specific conversational “code.” And that code involved avoiding the topics of sex, religion, and politics. Those subjects were always a no-go zone, because so many people had so many widely varied thoughts about them. Many people held opinions that were well grounded in facts and many held opinions that were mostly based in emotions and judgement. And they all got so mixed up that the best approach eventually became to simply avoid the issues altogether. And if somebody did air their views, I was taught to simply be respectful and not argue or put anybody down for their perspective.

Because when we start discussing ‘hot” topics, arguments are sure to follow. And from there we end up putting down other people’s points of view. We start to shame and blame and we don’t listen. And in the midst of this tumultuous dynamic, we also begin to lose the truth. Because when we argue, my point of view has got to become your point of view, and vice versa. And to accomplish this, I’m going to double down on my point of view, and keep on doubling down, dragging in wild ideas and accusations in order to make my position bigger and more strident, more colorful and thus more popular than yours.

And then truth evaporates as the whole thing becomes a shouting match designed around who can yell the loudest and make the most outrageous statements of “fact.” Which is where we seem to have found ourselves in the world right now around pretty much everything.

A Dangerous Game

In systemic work, we know that certain systems just shouldn’t entangle. And yet today the systems of religion, politics, health, sexuality, immigration, education, and innumerable other hot topics get all mixed up together. We’re getting to a stage where systems are becoming so entangled that we no longer know what belongs where. We’re no longer giving everything and everyone in these varied arenas their rightful place. We’re no longer giving them a voice that can be heard.

I’m talking about this because this is a dangerous game to play with nuclear warheads and gain-of-function bioweapons ready at hand to deploy on the “loser.” I’m also talking about it because I’ve noticed lately how this whole dynamic has led to the place where much of humanity seems unable to discern truth from fiction and outright lies.

We seem to have lost the plot. Which is exactly what we can expect will happen when we’ve put ourselves into a win-lose game instead of a win-win game over various issues. It’s “Ha-ha! I win, you lose!” Never mind the only way I can win in this scenario is by not telling the truth. The lies I spin can be as big as you like, as long as they trump yours.

We haven’t yet learned that, if we wanted to, we could tackle even the thorniest political discussion if we simply gave everything and everyone their proper place in the discussion. And then respected everything and everyone involved by actually listening to what they have to say. But instead, we’re trying to drown out opposite points of view. And it’s actually killing us all because now almost no one can really hear. We’ve gotten into a space where the truth or the not-truth is so inflated that we’re starting to divide into tribes, camps, political groups around the “truth.” Only it’s super not the truth.

The Big Divide

In any big divide, we see opinions being taken as the truth. And when that happens people go blind and deaf. Right now, the whole political arena of America is filled with a few people’s opinions along with a bunch of catchy sound bites and slogans. And people are numbly, blindly, coalescing around those things. We’re not sitting down and being curious and looking deeply into the issues themselves. We’re not aware of the meta patterns of manipulation and how truth can be lost. We’re not seeing the meta patterns of blind conflict that start community arguments, civil unrest, and great big multinational wars.

Look at the Ukraine and Russia. There are two truths standing right there in front of us. But we’re not looking at and listening to the truths of each side. We’re listening to whoever blusters the loudest, shouting “This is the truth,” when it’s only one side’s truth. And then, because history is written by the victors, the one side’s truth that wins becomes the truth in the history books.

What would happen if, instead of repeating the meta pattern of playing lose-lose by not listening and dividing along tribal lines and parties, we started to really look at both sides of important issues in order to be able to negotiate a reality that works to the advantage of both sides and both truths?

Seriously, what really is the truth? What if we redefined it in terms of whatever maximizes humanity’s overall health and wellbeing instead of in terms of who is “right” and who is “wrong?” At the moment, the poor truth is buried so far underground under so many meta patterns and opinion-based shouting matches that it’s going to take a miracle for us to start separating them out.e

Who is going to begin to be the truth teller? Who is going to stand up for humanity’s wellbeing? Who is going to start telling a number of emperors that they really have no clothes on? More importantly, how are we going to land the search for truth in a way that becomes a bigger, more exciting game than the one we’re playing right now? How are we going to make the truth a game worth playing?

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage and truth-telling at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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Creating Freedom to Speak – Breaking The Pattern of Silence

freedom to speak

Creating Freedom to Speak - Breaking The Pattern of Silence

There is one particularly noble and beautifully enshrined piece of American life, and that is our right to freedom of speech. Freedom to speak should be a right worldwide. We all should experience the absence of fear that permits freedom of speech. But many do not.

At the same time, I have to say that with freedom of speech we also have the responsibility for what we do with that privilege. We have to be responsible for what we say and how we say it. Sometimes it’s a bit of a fine line between telling it like it is and being too abrasive. Sometimes it’s a bit of a fine line between knowing when to keep quiet and say nothing and knowing when to speak up.

And yet, I’m sorely reminded of the fact that in World War II in Germany, many kept quiet in order to keep themselves and their families safe. But they did so at the cost of millions of other peoples’ lives. So, I guess if we’re going to err on one side or the other, we should definitely err on the side of speaking up.

History Repeating Itself

As you know, I don’t speak about incendiary topics like religion, sex and politics. And I’m not going to start now! But looking at the world situation today, with all the political correctness and factionism going on, I wonder if we’re not rapidly moving into a repetition of the same metapattern of “silence for safety’s sake” and doing the same thing now that we did less than a hundred years ago in Europe.

I wonder if a lot of people in the US aren’t speaking up for sanity, common sense and good heartedness because they don’t want to be attacked—who are not using their hard-won freedom of speech because it feels safer to be quiet or because they don’t want to cause trouble for others.

So, here’s the thing. Can we safely open our mouths and call for the deepest desires in our hearts to come into being? Things like civil discourse. Informed intelligent debate. Kindness. Can we call for one another to listen to alternate views without going on the attack? Can we have freedom of speech without blaming, shaming or naming?

Can we grow beyond the ancestral patterns of fear that keep us stuck, keeping our mouths shut about things we ought to be talking about but don’t? Can we step back and start taking a wider view of things—enough to see that we are repeating the meta patterns of World War II … the meta patterns of many wars throughout history, many of which started because people were afraid to stand up for one another, for truth and justice for all?

The transformation piece is asking how do we create a safe enough space to stand up for truth? And I’m not talking about standing up for opinions, political positions, parties, and agendas. I’m talking about basic truths: What feeds the health and wellbeing of people? What nurtures and inspires? What encourages and supports? What fosters evolution and freedom? What encourages kindness and mutual respect?

When is it that we start standing up for power in service and support of the wellbeing of the many and not just the few or even the one?

Breaking the Pattern of Silence

The first step to breaking the fear and silence pattern is to look at yourself through a systemic lens. When it comes to developing the ability to safely speak up, it’s a little bit like Alice peering through the looking glass. You want to look at yourself and your life within the context of your entire family system and your entire social system.

Who you are and your ability to speak clearly and truthfully is the result of many generations who came before you. Their thoughts, feelings, and actions have shaped who you are now and what you’re capable of doing and not doing. Once you can see the patterns that have shaped your world and your life, you have taken step one to becoming unstuck and more free.

Good questions to ask yourself:

  • When am I afraid to speak up?
  • Why?
  • What was I told about speaking up?
  • What kind of examples did my parents provide? Were they silent in the face of power? Silent in the face of abuse of self and others?
  • Does anyone else in my family have a similar pattern?
  • What is my family history? Do my ancestors come from countries where free speech isn’t allowed?
  • What does my current community/country promote in terms of free speech? Is it safe to speak up?
  • What are the costs if I don’t speak up for the good?

Be aware if you are hearing little voices of doubt telling you why you can’t speak—saying things like you’re too “stupid,” or too “ignorant,” or “too insignificant” to count. Don’t believe it. Your voice—every voice—matters!

The good news is, by doing this process of questioning, you are tapping into the nervous system of your ancestors. It’s their words and voices you are hearing. Not yours. The even better news is that once you start deliberately creating thoughts, feelings, and actions around the goal of freely speaking, the inner chatter will stop.

This is what happens when you go in search of your authentic self. Yes, it takes a little grit and determination. Yes, it takes courage and effort. But think about this: Nothing less than the wellbeing of yourself, your family, and the world is at stake.

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

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Where Does Courage Come From?

Where Does Courage Come From?

Every single hero and heroine in the history textbooks, novels, TV shows and movies has had to face the hard choices of whether to step up and take a stand for the right thing and the greater good or turn and slink away in quiet defeat. But where does courage come from to step up and commit courageous acts instead of stepping aside?

Interestingly, the origins of the word “courage” come from the Old French word “corage,” which in turn comes from the French word “couer,” meaning heart. Once upon a time, to have courage meant to speak from one’s heart, facing the hard questions that surround every form of every virtue. And don’t you know, speaking from the heart’s wisdom is truly one of the greater challenges in the world today because society is so dedicated to the mind and intellectual pursuits! And yet, so often we find, after the dust settles, that the heart’s truth is more aligned with the right thing than the head!

Meeting Fears Head-On

In alignment with heart values, courage often rises in a person who has a deep passion or concern for another person, situation or an ideal. When love, values, and personal interests are the driving force, passion shows up. And when passion arrives, even the most intense fear can be overcome, galvanizing the most unlikely people to perform heroic acts.

For example, the vital importance of civil rights drove Rosa Parks to have the courage to resist bus segregation in Montgomery, Alabama in 1955. Mahatma Ghandi was driven by the ideal of a liberated India to face down the entire British Empire in any number of dangerous situations. The first Suffragettes in the US faced terrible abuse at the hands of the police when they marched for women’s rights and the right to vote in the early 1900s

Courage in Daily Life

But it’s not just big things like civil rights and a nation’s freedom that inspire courage. Courage often shows up in the face of disease, injury, and apparent defeat. It is sometimes the difference between embracing life and succumbing to death. Sometimes it’s everyday  situations that inspire people to act in spite of fear. Whether it’s speaking up for someone else at work despite feelings of anxiety, or stepping into a controversy where everyone’s emotional response to a situation is running hot—even such a simple act takes guts because it lies outside our everyday comfort zone.

But don’t you know, these kinds of momentary hard choices also come with great rewards. There is nothing so satisfying as that exhale of relief after taking that first step standing up for someone or something in any given situation, and you get that quick smile and nod of agreement from someone in the crowd that says “Thanks for standing up and taking a leadership role around this!”

A Matter of Choice

Courage doesn’t mean an absence of fear or anxious feelings. Just the opposite! If something isn’t outside our comfort zone no courage is required. But when your stress levels are up and you feel like you’ll have a heart attack if you do or say XYZ, and then you do or say XYZ anyway—that’s meeting your fears head-on. That’s courage.

Great success often requires great courage because success is never guaranteed in any endeavor. And the lack of a “sure thing” is often what gets in the way of many people even trying to go for their dreams. We get an idea, and then every imagined threat, every possible block, every negative association in the book shows up in our heads. And as our anxiety levels and stress levels rise, the dream looks more and more impossible.

But, here’s the thing: Courage is a choice. The choice to achieve something, say something, or have something despite the perceived threat and obstacles involved. And who is to say what will be successful and what will not?

Some of the biggest success stories of our times started out with what would seem to be fantastical—even ridiculous—dreams. For example, who would imagine a guy who plays with absurd puppets ever getting anywhere? But Jim Henson went on to create the legendary Muppets and an enormous media franchise that included long-term TV shows, movies, music and endless profitable products. And who thought somebody could build an empire just supplying people with a good cup of coffee in the morning? Howard Schultz, the man who led Starbucks into the stratosphere is who!

So, if you wish you had a little piece of that kind of magic (Hint: You actually have it!), please understand it is not that they are magical or special and you are not. It’s simply that they have learned to move forward and master the fear that holds most of us back by taking the steps that most of us don’t. So, what are those steps? I’m so glad you asked!

Steps to Building Courage in Daily Life

Courage is what changes the world, points of view, and limitations. And the world is in plenty need of positive change at the moment. Here are a few things to do and watch out for on your journey to gathering courage:

  • Witness the courageous acts of others: An easy place to start building energy of the courageous kind is by watching films that depict courageous acts. From the 1962 classic film To Kill a Mockingbird to the animé hit Princess Mononoke, from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest to Nyad (the true story of Diana Nyad who swam from Cuba to the Florida Keys at age 64), there are plenty of superb examples of human beings overcoming tremendous odds to perform courageous acts. And the beautiful thing about all these stories is they show moral courage, not just feats of physical courage. So don’t make the mistake of thinking you could never measure up. You can!
  • Choose a few things to face that scare you: I’m not talking about standing up to hair-curling monsters like Ellen Ripley in the Alien Maybe you’re afraid of dogs and want to change that. Or maybe roller coasters. Start with small things.
  • Form an action action plan to face your challenges: For example, set up safe situations that are out of your comfort zone with people you trust. In the dog example above, find a friend who has a friendly dog around the house. Tell them your intention. They’ll be glad to help with a little exposure therapy. And those roller coasters and other amusement rides? Try going to amusement parks with supportive friends. Tell them what you’re dealing with. If they (or you) have small kids, accompany the youngsters on kiddy rides to start, then work up, one small step at a time.
  • Celebrate the wins: Even if you’re shaking in your boots at the thought of climbing a ladder—get a friend to bring over a ladder and spot you in your climb. Even if you only get up two rungs, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!
  • Don’t compare yourself to anyone else: A fear response is a fear response. Whether it relates to a free climb up a 1000′ cliff face or getting up on that step ladder makes zero difference.
  • Form more positive associations than negative blocks. Maybe you want that corner office and the title that goes with it at work, but the fear of failure has stopped you in the past. Create a list of your strengths and abilities right down to the smallest asset to help outweigh the greatest fears you have.

When I was a small child, I remember someone saying: “The world owes you nothing. You owe it everything.” And I asked myself what I could bring to the world that was uniquely mine. I realized that I was incredibly optimistic, that I didn’t get tired easily, and that I could figure things out. So those three things became what I would share with the world. If I experience anxious feelings about something I’m facing, I remind myself of my assets. That helps me see solutions not problems.

A few more things to do are:

  • Don’t be afraid to enroll family members and friends in your courage-building efforts. I guarantee you’ll be an inspiration to them.
  • Commit to your dream/goals and don’t stop.
  • Be gentle with yourself. Take things like childhood trauma into consideration. Don’t re-traumatize yourself. Commit to taking a small step every single day towards your goal. You’ll get there!

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

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Conquering Your Fears – How to Release Fear & Create Freedom

Conquering Your Fears - How to Release Fear & Create Freedom

Fear is the opposite of freedom and success. It drives a knife into the heart of many of our deepest dreams and desires. From anxiety disorders, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorders, post-traumatic stress disorders, to fear of heights, fear of public speaking, fear of failure, fear of death, you name it, we all have fears in one form of another. Even hard-bitten Navy Seals experience fear. So, reasonable fear is nothing to be ashamed of. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in your comfort zone and refuse to do something about irrational fears and panic attacks if they happen to you.

Generational Legacy

What we don’t realize is that we all have the fear antidote right in our family system. Because most often the fears we experience and feel are just “ours,” really belong to the family system itself. Many of our deepest anxious feelings are tied to our history. In fact, some of our deepest unhappiness, anger, sadness, and fear comes from living our family history as though it were happening to us in the present moment.

By now you understand that what I call emotional DNA—thoughts, emotions, actions, choices—experienced by family members facing dangerous situations and scary experiences in the past get passed down to future generations. Experiences like famine and economic collapse may have been responded to by your ancestors with practical choices such as overeating when food was available, saving string, and penny pinching. But three generations later those practical solutions to emergency situations have turned into obesity, hoarding, and terror around spending money—toxic behaviors and dysfunctional ways that no longer serve.

Irrational fear is always disproportionate to the situation at hand and may well indicate that something is going on in your family system that has not been resolved. For example, let’s say your whole family freaks out during the holidays. In fact, every time there is a reason for the family to celebrate, people become anxious.

It sounds strange that this should happen in what is usually the happiest of social situations. And then you discover that great-grandmother dropped dead Christmas day. From then on celebrating never felt quite right. In fact, many in the family experienced fear of death at holidays. Now it’s obvious why celebrations are filled with imagined threats and are something to be avoided.

Dangerous Situations In Daily Life

Sometimes feelings of fear, anxiety disorders and full-blown panic attacks aren’t inherited but rather they start with us. Many of us have been raised to believe that we are incapable and broken, that we have done something wrong and need to fix it. We thus live in the grip of fear. Some of us come from homes in which a healthy fear response enabled us to survive (and run away from) abuse.

However, instead of the fear stopping once the abuse is a thing of the past, ongoing symptoms of anxiety and fear travel with us. The thoughts, language, and actions we created around those events are still loud and prevalent, as though the situation was happening present time. And these fear patterns can last for generations. So, how about stopping those anxious feelings in their tracks instead of passing them on?

Meeting Fears Head On

Dealing with fear is a matter of choice. On a scale of 1-10, how dominant are your symptoms of anxiety and how much do they affect your life? Hopefully, it has you at a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and feel thoroughly stuck. Because getting that bad is just about the only way 90 percent of humanity finally dare to climb out of the box of imagined threat and limitation!

There are a lot of helpful tools mental healthcare professionals use to deal with feelings of anxiety, feelings of fear, and perceived threat, such as exposure therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. These therapies can help us handle issues related to certain social situations like fear of public speaking and irrational feelings of anxiety in daily life. However, genuine long-term healing can only happen when we address the roots of our fears. If we don’t do this, we may find symptoms of fear resurfacing in either our lives or the lives of our children.

Action Plan

The journey to change and healing begins with a willingness to look at the problem. But most people are too afraid to look at their fear. We dodge the subject or push it under the rug. Which only serves to heighten our fears because now we have monsters under the carpet!

So, take a deep breath, and tell yourself to approach change in small doses and then simply take the first step. Which is: Tell your nervous system that the traumatic event was over a long time ago. The war is over. The fire is out. The dog that bit you died decades ago. The teacher who ridiculed your class speech is long retired.

Step two, keep telling yourself the event is over and that you are totally safe until your body can relax. (Pro Tip: See if you can evoke an elevated emotion like peace, joy, and gratitude in order to shift the fear by imagining a pleasurable experience to replace the trauma event. This may take a while, but keep practicing.)

Step three. This may seem counterintuitive, but bear with me. Even if it seems like a totally irrational fear, acknowledge your fear exactly the way that it is. While that may seem out of your comfort zone, it’s a pivotal part of conquering your fear. Until you’ve acknowledged it, you can’t move it.

Step four. Once you have acknowledged your fear, the next small step is to ask yourself a simple set of questions:

  • When did these fearful feelings begin for me?
  • What was happening in my life at the time?
  • Are these anxious feelings interfering with social situations in my daily life?
  • What would my life be like in the absence of these fears?
  • What joyful replacement(s) would I like to see?

Can you see what a quick journey you can make from intense fear around an imagined threat to positive associations that, at the very least, decrease your symptoms of anxiety? When you do this exercise, notice how your feelings shift. And then realize this: You are the one who did that!

As silly as it seems—unless you’re in truly dangerous situations where fear is your ally keeping you safe from genuine harm—fear really is a matter of choice. And choice governs physical sensations and stress cycles. When we work at understanding the difference between inherited irrational fear and perceived threat versus genuine danger, we begin to reduce our stress levels caused by overly emotional responses until we stop irrational fear altogether.

Driving Force For Change

The fear antidote begins with the realization that the initial trauma happened a long time ago—perhaps more than a hundred years ago! Now is the time to focus on creating new healthy emotional patterns and new traditions that bring back the joy. And sometimes the driving force for genuine change isn’t to save ourselves the pain and suffering that anxiety problems create, but rather the desire to stop our anxiety disorders from being passed on to our children, leaving it for them to deal with and heal.

And here’s one more thought to consider. When we conquer and change something, it always means that something else better will come into our lives to take its place. Once you look fear in the face and then turn around to look at what you really want to experience instead, you replace fear with a sense of adventure.

Congratulations! Just like those Navy Seals, you too can overcome fear and become remarkable!

For information about my November 2024 event “Vault from Fear to Freedom,” please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Family tree, geneology

Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Most of us are concerned about limiting thoughts, emotions and actions—many of which are inherited—and we look for steps we can take to start breaking the family cycle. Yet, most of us don’t understand that genealogy gives us the tools to do so.

In traditional genealogy, aka Genealogy 1.0, we realize where we and the rest of our family belong in today’s world. For example, we get our DNA results back and learn that our family of origin is Norwegian Anglo Saxon with a hint of East Asian blood. Now we have a “place.” We have a history. But that is only the beginning of the story.

Unfortunately, Genealogy 1.0 tells us nothing about our emotional DNA—inherited of thoughts, feelings and actions that can sometimes end up as dysfunctional behaviors that unconsciously run our lives. It tells us nothing about our generational legacy of emotional issues and habits, our toxic patterns as well as our potentials. It fails to reveal how we can effectively deal with these issues, make positive changes to resolve inherited patterns in a healthy manner. It can’t do this because it’s all about our physical DNA, physical influences and physical relationships.

Breaking the family cycle

The good news is, by using what I call Genealogy 3.0 (Which includes what I call Genealogy 2.0—more on that step in another article) we can use genealogy and systemic work & constellations to deal with dysfunctional family issues and vicious cycles. How? Well, geneticists have discovered that traumatic events like earthquakes, floods, and other major earth changes, as well as sociopolitical events like wars, diasporas, and economic crashes, all have major emotional as well as physical impacts on the people who lived through them.

For example, the Holocaust, 9/11, Covid-19, the Great Depression, the stock market crashes of 1929 and 2008, wars, politics, women’s liberation, the tech revolution—you name it—the emotions experienced and the decisions made by our ancestors who lived through these events are often passed down to us epigenetically and culturally.

Some events can affect us for a long time—even for generations. But by using genealogical information, we can track the kinds of events that may have affected the nervous systems
of our ancestors (Genealogy 2.0) and come to an understanding about our own feelings and our positive as well as destructive behaviors, thus setting ourselves up to become a generational cycle-breaker.

In other words, genealogy can show us the emotional patterns and the dysfunctional ways our ancestors handled situations, allowing us to identify toxic behaviors. Then we use tools from systemic work & constellations to shift those bad behaviors and our mental health in the right direction

We are not victims of dysfunctional family cycles nor helpless to change them. We can take a different path and develop healthy ways of thinking, acting and living outside of our generational legacy.

Intergenerational trauma

So, let’s talk about behavior patterns and family cycles like alcoholism, abuse, criminal behavior, bankruptcy, divorce, early death, chronic ill health. How do those multigenerational dysfunctional behaviors in your family system affect you? Two ways: 1) You repeat the cycle, or 2) you decide that a different way is needed. Make no mistake, you are the decision maker. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions may be in response to an event within your family system, but you are still the one choosing the way that you will respond and devolve or evolve in the future.

You are far more capable than you imagine. Rather than being a victim of destructive habits born out of transgenerational trauma, you are in fact a co-creator of your reality and the cycles within your system. By looking at your genealogy and the events within it, you can see what is in your family system and begin to make conscious decisions about what you want to do with what’s there.

Intergenerational trauma

First off, it helps to think of yourself as a conscious, first-generation student of your family system. Be aware that this process of studying and shifting intergenerational trauma by examining your own feelings is going to take you out of your comfort zone. But pat yourself on the back and know you are taking the first step in the right direction by stopping a vicious cycle of dysfunctional ways and poor family relationships, not to mention making a difference in your own life.

The good news is that once you start establishing healthy boundaries by working with your emotional DNA, the members of your family that come after you can have an entirely different generational legacy.

Some simple steps to breaking cycles of transgenerational trauma in our family system include:

  • Being willing to look at issues without judgement
  • Being willing to shift patterns and behaviors without fear or resentment
  • Awareness that destructive habits are simply patterns waiting to be disrupted and created into something new
  • Understanding that your family system contains all the clues you need for an incredible life
  • Realizing that the only thing stopping you from enjoying a life you love may be the way you view your life and that of the rest of the family.
  • Make happiness and gratitude a part of your daily life

These simple steps begin to rewire the way you think, feel, and act. It may not happen in a single day, but the best adventures don’t. Your genealogy is your own personal adventure and it is a mighty one. You are a linchpin in all of this. Far from just inheriting an ancient history, you are the creator of the present and the future.

And please understand that not all inherited emotional DNA patterns are limiting. Some inheritable patterns—like resilience, determination, and a “can do” attitude—are extremely positive. Even if you have inherited limiting patterns of emotional DNA (and we all have!), you need to know that inherited negative emotional DNA patterns are neither destiny nor doom.

They are portals to possibility.

Dimensionalizing your family system

One of the best ways to get a handle on negative cycles, abusive behavior, and destructive habits in your family system is by creating something called a “constellation” which is a process of dimensionalizing your family of origin.

Constellations enable you to take your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc. and literally set them all out in front of you in such a way that you get to see, hear, touch, feel and walk through what goes on inside your system and inside your head by creating a physical, three-dimensional model of your family system or a particular issue within that system. So, here goes!

  • Get out a chess or checkers set and assign a family member to each piece.
  • Write down significant facts about each family member on a piece of paper and place it under the chess/checker piece you’ve assigned that person.
  • If you don’t have a game set, just use the pieces of paper with the person’s name written on it.
  • Arrange the chess piece/papers on the floor in a pattern that seems right to you, reflecting family dynamics. For example, maybe you place your parents far apart and different siblings near each parent. Or maybe “Dad” is closer to “Grandpa” (his father) than anybody else. Or maybe your parents are close, but you find yourself setting the papers for yourself and your siblings far out in left field.
  • There is no “wrong” way to arrange your family system as long the relationship spatially between the family members looks/feels right to you.
  • Step back and examine your family constellation.

Can you begin to identify patterns like emotional neglect, bad behaviors including abusive behavior and where and who these patterns flowed from?

  • Ask yourself how you are affected by each person. How are they a part of your life?
  • Don’t judge, just look.

The beauty about beginning to identify how and where negative patterns arise in a family system is that we can clearly see they didn’t start with us. We are not to blame. Nobody really is. Dysfunctional ways of acting and thinking are simply patterns that once upon a time helped an ancestor cope with a difficult situation/event. But now, three generations later, that coping pattern no longer works.

And remember, you also have inherited many empowering patterns. Don’t forget to write those down as well.

A good primer for looking at your life through a genealogical lens is my latest book, The Hidden Power in Your DNA, which takes a deep dive into Genealogy 2.0 and 3.0. Both incorporate systemic work and constellations, which are powerful tools for illuminating your genealogy and expanding your life.

For information about my November 2024 event “Vault from Fear to Freedom,” please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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What’s Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

what's your superpower

What's Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when I ask, “What’s your superpower?” I bet you immediately start thinking about all the superpowers you don’t have and wished you did, like x-ray vision, super strength, super speed, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and fly. Right?

And what would you say if I asked you “What are all those superpowers for?” What are all those popular Marvel superheroes here to do? Aside from entertain us? What is the main job Superman, Spider-Man, Black Widow, Super Girl, Captain America, Black Panther and all those other superheroes have? That’s right. They’re here to use all those personal attributes and individual strengths to make the world a better place. To help those in need. To stand up for what’s right. And you don’t need x-ray vision to accomplish that!

The simple act counts

Most of us have been taught to “Go big or go home.” That one’s biggest strength is media influence, having lots of money, or having “pull.” Kindness, compassion, and empathy are not seen as unique strengths or unique talents that are valuable. Sure, they might help you make a good impression, but in the context of your work, we’re taught “the race is to the swift and ruthless.” The only way the prize is won is if you’re operating at your full potential. It’s just the nature of the business.

And yet, this is really not true. People who have truly succeeded in life and in business have done so—not because they had some type of superpower—but because they have discovered their unique strengths and maximized them. This is not a nice idea it is a fact. Let me give you a specific example.

Taking a leadership role

The current CEO of Disney, Bob Iger, didn’t get to such a leadership role because he had super speed and super strength. And he didn’t get there just because he was good at team building and was consistently able to pull a lot of creative solutions to problems out of his back pocket. Bob is legendary for many reasons, but not just those. He started working at ABC network doing menial labor on sets because he just knew he wanted to be part of the entertainment industry. He was committed to this dream and determined to do whatever it took to get where he wanted to go.

In his early years at Disney, he was known for his willingness to do whatever work it took to get a project done. He also stood out because of his kindness and genuine interest in listening to team members at all levels in every kind of job around him, finding common goals and building on them. Today, when Iger does a walk-about through Disneyland, employees stop him just to talk and share. People naturally are drawn to gather around him. Because of his care, his vision and expansive thinking, the company has grown exponentially during his tenure as CEO.

So, what are Iger’s own superpowers? What got him to the top? It wasn’t super strength and the ability to bend iron monkey bars with his bare hands. It was commitment. Determination. Kindness. The ability to listen. Vision. Expansive thinking.

What are your individual strengths?

What about you? Looked at this way, what are your superpowers? And don’t tell me you don’t have any. Everybody has unique talents and individual strengths. We just sometimes need the x-ray vision to see deep inside ourselves! And here’s some quick advice: most people when asked to give a specific example of one of their superpowers default to false modesty and start mentally trash talking themselves, citing all the reasons their personal attributes are not so special and that what they know and do don’t matter much.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Exactly who you are is what is needed in this world! Just turn the light on! Look around you! There are people everywhere with perfectly ordinary jobs who do incredibly well. Why? Because they employ their individual strengths to maximize their situation. They bring enthusiasm and participation to the table, even when they are scared or tired.

Have you ever watched how some waitstaff or valet parking attendants make way more money than their colleagues do in tips? Pay attention. Their star method is often just being really present with their customers. The simple act of a direct genuine smile does wonders. Or the simple act of a genuine compliment. When humans feel seen, they are inclined to reward those who make them feel special. These people do well because they have the super strength of adding value by valuing others.

In terms of Systemic Work & Constellations, people who take a leadership role (And yes, you can take a leadership role even as a parking attendant) are capitalizing on two systemic principles: belonging and the balance of give and receive. They make other people feel like they belong on this Earth and that they’re valuable. And this does more than make a good impression. It’s a gift. Their super strength is in their giving. And then they are well rewarded. That’s just how life works.

I once had a very wise teacher who asked me a long time ago, “When you recognize that 90 percent of people in the world are shy, can you find it in your heart to be kind? And, if you can, can you do it a lot?” Those questions changed my life. I knew I could be kind and I knew I should be, and that stayed with me. Now I am proud to claim kindness as one of my own superpowers.

Find your type of superpower

It’s time for you to get beyond your limiting thoughts about yourself. It’s time to reframe your unique strengths as your own superpowers and activate them. So, how do you do that?

The best way to find your own superpowers is to take a simple index card or some sticky notes and write down a specific example of the things you like about yourself on each one. Maybe it’s being upbeat. Maybe you notice things that others don’t. (Maybe you’ll be a great detective someday!) Maybe you have a flare for color. Or for making people feel at ease. There is always something, even if it is small.

Once you have identified your own superpowers, ask yourself: “Do I ever try to minimize these superpowers of mine? Do I downplay them? Think they’re nothing?” And if the answer is “Yes,” I guess from now on you won’t do that. Will you?

The other best way to find your own superpowers is the positive things people say about you.

Write down everything you remember that people have said about you, the talents you have or the character traits they admire. And if you can’t recall, go ask them! Ask your friends and family members what they admire about you. What they see are your unique strengths. And take good notes.

Write down each specific example of your unique talents and then put the list where you see it everyday. Now, ask yourself: “How can I maximize these unique strengths of mine?” In the context of your work, think about how these personal attributes can make a difference.

And then start doing these things! Take action! And if you find yourself reluctant and scared to do this, remember: You are not at risk when you are in service to others. Being in service makes us brave and also brings great rewards. And if you can flip your mindset to focus in on your individual strengths instead of your flaws, you may find yourself overcoming years or even generations of unfulfillment. In other words, you are changing your emotional DNA.

Not everybody has x-ray vision, but if you take what you do have all the way—the sky is not the limit.

I look forward to showing you how to release your Fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

How to heal ancestral trauma

How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

Traumatic events affect all of us at some point in our lives triggering emotional responses and negative emotional patterns that then affect our physical DNA. This then gets passed down to future generations, showing up as inherited negative emotions and unwanted patterns of behavior. In this blog learn how to heal ancestral trauma with the power of Genealogy.

Ancestral Trauma

Most of us don’t recognize the depth of our links to the traumas within our family lineage and previous generations. Quite unconsciously, we repeat hidden patterns and negative emotions in our daily lives while at the same time developing unconscious loyalties to these patterns and the people who set them in motion long ago. We literally relive versions of unresolved traumas and sadness that occurred in prior generations. 

For example, let’s say a great-grand-parent suffered some lingering disease that set in motion a pattern of ill-health as well as a caretaking pattern in the family. Three generations later half the family always seems to be sick or marrying people who get sick or find themselves in stressful situations while the other half always seem to be loyally trapped in caretaking roles. Patterns like these obviously become barriers to emotional well-being and any possibility of greatness. It is as though effector patterns, once started, can’t stop. 

Negative emotions around finances are another commonly inherited family pattern in our ancestral lineage. Who knew that there was such a thing as money DNA? Not only do we inherit our money mindsets and basic emotions interacting with money from our family system, but also from our culture. Both play an important role setting up views in our minds as young adolescents about the rightness or “wrongness” of money and wealth. 

This is also amplified by religions that inspire negative emotional reactions to having money and “too much filthy lucre.” Then this ancestral/cultural meta-pattern creates life experiences of misery, chronic stress and psychological trauma around money, assets, investments, career decisions, you name it.

There is a hidden power in your DNA, and you are part of a multi-generational internet—a web of ancestral information is contained within you. In other words, your family system connects you to everything that has happened to you and your lineage. These past events include natural disasters, diasporas, genocides, slavery, sexual abuse, and gender discrimination. 

Even though many of these things have been experienced in the lives of ancestors, we experience the feelings and thoughts of our forefathers and mothers as they went through these past traumas as a part of our nervous system. We are literally repeating versions of the life paths of those who came before us instead of living our own life. 

Unlock Your Hidden Potential with a Breakthrough Discovery in Genealogy

Coming from difficult circumstances doesn’t mean you can’t have a better life. While ancestral traumas can create triggers, the good news is they can also ignite possibilities. And some really good news is that there is a healthy way to start healing ancestral trauma using genealogy. Genealogy allows us to hone in on painful emotions and the patterns that create them. 

The following sets out a healthy way to deal with ancestral trauma patterns and our past ancestral connection.

First Step: Be willing to look at negative emotional responses flowing from inherited patterns. 

Ask yourself:

  • Where do I come from? What kind of family dynamics have been in play? 
  • What other family member or members share my negative emotions? Who else experiences the same kind or similar physiological responses to those emotions?
  • What kind of actual problem or unwanted behaviors have these negative emotions created?
  • What would freedom from these unwanted behaviors and emotions look like to me? Feel like?  

Now, let’s look at historical traumas through a systemic lens. Using genealogy, we are able to see how traumatic experiences and the emotional decisions made about those events by relatives in the past may affect us and some of our family members, impacting our own childhood experiences and coloring our adult world. 

Step two: Consult your genealogical history and ask yourself the following:

  • Looking at my genealogical chart, what kind of events and stressful situations could have happened in my family’s past that might have set these negative emotional patterns into motion?
  • Were there wars? Famines? Political unrest? Natural disasters? Pogroms? 

Step three: Systemic work and constellations is all about dimensionalizing our patterns by seeing not only what’s inside our family system, but all the ways these negative patterns are affecting us.

  • Get into the present moment and dig deep into your emotional state. 
  • Now, write down three ways in which these ancestral patterns and old painful emotions have you stuck and how that makes you feel. 

Step four: Considering how you feel and looking at your family history, ask yourself”

  • “Given my background, what is a big leap forward that I would like to make?” 
  • Make it real. Make your desire come alive in your mind. 
  • What positive changes do you want to experience? What positive outcome sets your mind and heart on fire?

Once we start looking at our potential instead of focusing on the old feelings, old actions and old outcomes, we are able to create new choices and new pathways. Yes, of course, the old patterns, the old mental states, the old emotional responses tug at us. The way to look at this is to see what was and give it its place. 

Family patterns are set in motion in response to tough situations in the past. Your ancestors did the best they could escaping the pogroms or the wars or the famines and political unrest. Now it’s time for you to set new healthy patterns in motion and experience freedom and fulfillment. 

Step five: Now comes the actualization part. 

  • Write down three new thoughts, feelings, or actions you can take to get you moving towards you desired positive outcome. 
  • How does each of these actions and/or thoughts and feelings make you feel? 
  • Don’t judge what comes up. And don’t think any action or thought is too small. A step is a step is a step, and a series of steps takes you into a whole new reality. 

Now, instead of being burdened by negative emotions, old emotional responses and even old physiological responses, you have rewired your neural pathways and autonomic nervous system for positive changes. Your primary emotions have shifted and your emotional well-being is activated.

Step six: Discover your superpower. 

 Your superpower is the aspect or aspects of your character that will get you all the way out of being stuck and into creation mode. It’s the thing that will help you actualize your new thoughts, feelings and actions. And let me say upfront, a superpower isn’t about leaping tall buildings in a single bound or exhibiting super strength. 

It’s often the simplest thing … like being kind. Or being the sort of person who always finishes what they start. Or perhaps you have the knack of being a good listener. Or you’re a natural “connector,” always putting people and situations together.

Understanding your superpower(s) will give you a big boost in self confidence when you put it together with your dreams and see how you can make them happen.

Honor Past Emotional Experiences

One very important thing to be aware of when healing multigenerational trauma is that you are not trying to forget the past. And you’re not making it bad and wrong. Instead, you are finally giving the past its place rather than becoming entangled in it. Great-grandpa did the right thing quitting his medical career to stay home to caretake his ailing wife. But that was then and this is now.

When we begin to use genealogy in a whole new way—when we use it not just to understand physical health patterns and physiological attributes, but rather as a tool to access information about events that may have initiated emotional and behavioral responses in our ancestors that were then passed own to us—we begin to understand that every one of us counts. That we, by desiring a different life or different emotions and new experiences, are literally potential solutions and highways to a new reality. 

Changing the world

Can you imagine how this world would change if we did this kind of work as a collective? Like individuals, nations and ethnic groups are also subject to ancestral patterns and collective trauma. When we look at issues like slavery, we often see where an entire group of people is trapped in what we call a systemic trance. In other words, sometimes millions of people are trapped in a pattern of inherited pain and suffering called a “meta-pattern.” 

In this case, the pattern is a pattern of abuse and low self-esteem, self-hatred and judgment of self and others. Nationalism is another kind of meta-pattern where a collective of people can be, quite literally, hypnotized into a belief in their racial superiority or goodness.

These trances or systemic loyalties can and often do create wars. Each side is fighting to protect its personal history rather than seeking to advance its future. So, how do we get that to change? It is crucial to answer this question for future generations to evolve. Here are some guidelines:

First, it is important to acknowledge what is and to be curious rather than to judge. This pulls us out of survival mode and emotional responses and into a more sacred space where there is a place for all and the possibility for evolution. Ancestral healing work enables us to disentangle events and even the most complex situations by simply looking and acknowledging what is in the present moment, then reimagining and creating anew. 

Once we are willing to move beyond our preconceived and often well-defended thoughts, feelings, and actions, we are able to gain a completely new perspective. Instead of looking at how we are being impacted and victimized, we can create positive change and meaningful impact. If we allow something to shift in us, something shifts for us and for others. 

This kind of approach is what often creates deep shifts in humanity. And every single one of us is capable of creating multiple shifts in many directions. 

What negative meta-pattern is dragging the world down that you would like to see change? Using the steps you just learned, how would you go about helping create that change? Write out your thoughts, feelings, and actions around it. Go for it! 

I look forward to showing you how to experience meaningful change and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

let go of fear

How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

How do we let go of fear? The first step is to acknowledge that we are afraid. This is not a bad thing, in fact, saying how we are genuinely feeling is a very good thing indeed. In systemic work we call this “acknowledging what is.” When you can look even the most awful negative things in the face and acknowledge that it simply is the way it is, you then experience freedom to make a different choice and take new steps. This is the pivot point for all changes in our lives.

Acknowledging what is, is often the first step that allows us to step into the present moment.  We stop with our inner excuses or avoidances. This is often the first time we are able to let go a little of the harmful fears of failure. We are able to create space between us and that all-consuming fear monster. Once we fully acknowledge what is, that buzzy feeling in our heads or queasy feeling in our stomachs, or perhaps even an inability to breathe easily start to subside. This is a clear indication that we are starting to let go of fear.

It is helpful to take a deep breath and do a minute or two of breathing exercises once you’ve achieved this. After all, you’ve just run an internal marathon and crossed a finish line.

New Things

The interesting thing is, when we achieve this state we are teaching our bodies to move from stress to joy and peace. In this state our hearts can open, our gut is able to relax, and our brain can begin working clearly and thinking new thoughts. The good thing about taking such a courageous step consciously is that it gives us a little bit of space away from old habits.

Now, quite frankly, the best way of opening our minds and hearts to possibility is by focusing on what we want. The more excited we can be about our goals, the more courageous we are able to become. Then we can start setting the goals to get us to the first step, and then the next step, and then the next, and so on until we arrive at the place where we can experience freedom and inner peace.

But there is something important to understand about fear. It isn’t there to terrorize us. One of the amazing things about fear is that it is a signal from our nervous system that something needs to change. So, next time you experience anxiety, rather than being triggered into a negative emotion or tailspin of fear and anxiety, notice that what you’re experiencing is simply a strong clue for a need for a change. How elegant is that?

If you experience anxiety, have panic attacks or struggle to let go of harmful fears of failure, those clues may well have their roots in your genealogy or in the events in your own life that have shaped your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The minute you say “Yes” to new things and make that change irresistibly exciting, you will find your way past all your concerns about an uncertain future along with your excuses and limitations that have kept you stuck. Let me give you a quick example of how this works.

Stretch Yourself

Let’s say that you want to go on vacation. And not just any vacation. You want to do something that’s a bit special or that seems slightly adventuresome. A vacation that inspires your sense of freedom and wonder. (Wonder, by the way, is a good thing for growth!) You’ve always wanted to fly, and you know of a nearby paragliding retreat place up in the mountains.

People tell you that you’re crazy, and you find yourself terrified to take the first step to make it happen. Friends tell you all the negative things that could possibly happen going so far beyond the social norms for someone your age. However, you keep having this strong desire to fly beyond your normal day-to-day life. It may not make a great deal of sense to you, but for once you ignore the naysayers. In a way you are on a secret journey and can sense the stretch your spirit needs.

Soaring over the mountains on your paragliding adventure, there’s an enormous feeling of accomplishment. A sense of strong confidence fills you as you move into a different dimension. It’s a good thing called expansion and it moves you beyond the norms and limitations of your daily life and into a new space. Your courageous movement embracing new ways got you here. Who knows how far you will fly from here?

Choice and Courage

Limitations are always coupled to possibilities. For a large part of our lives, our fear of change keeps us unaware of wonderful possibilities. Our natural instinct is to cling to the fears that we use to frighten ourselves … until the day we don’t.

When you hear about someone doing something extraordinary, it simply means that they chose to do something different and kept choosing it all the way to success. This takes two things. Choice, and the courage to act on that choice..

In systemic work and constellations, we dimensionalize (set up in 3D) the fear you have, so that you can see it and interact with it. By making the negative things conscious and the invisible visible, we are able to bring our fear to the surface, take a deep breath, engage with it and create breakthroughs from fear to freedom.

For example, “Joan,” a client of mine, had an inexplicable fear of success. She was quite sure if she made it to the top it would spell her downfall. She couldn’t explain why, but she knew that once the got what she wanted she was destined to lose everything.

There was no rational explanation for her fear. She was driven to succeed, and she’d put in long hours to reach a top spot in her company. Yet as soon as success arrived, she found herself in the middle of worry-filled days, harmful fears of failure, and panic attacks that made her unable to function properly at work. She was caught between what she wanted and what she thought would destroy her.

In a constellation session, Joan remembered that her grandmother had told her that her success on stage as an actress had been her downfall. That she lost her husband—the love of her life—because her fame was his breaking point. When he left, she fell apart and her career faltered, leaving her ruined.

Can you see how Joan’s genealogy and ancestral DNA is coloring her life? That emotional event is long over. But because the negative emotion from that experience was never processed by her grandmother or her mother, it had echoed down to her—an ancestral pattern asking to be seen, debriefed and released.

Breakthrough

Power of Now by Eckert Tolle, he invites you to stay in the present moment because that is the space where amazing things can occur.

I invited Joan to pick representatives for each member of her family. (This act in itself can be a key to change. The very act of setting up your fear where you can see it creates shift and movement.) Next, I invited her to take a deep breath and really look at the family pattern in front of her. (It’s interesting to observe when and how quickly we hold our breath. It’s a natural instinct when we experience anxiety or we’re on the edge of a breakthrough.)

She found herself suddenly in tears, seeing her grandparents and understanding the event and resulting emotional-behavioral patterns that had run in her family, leading to her peculiar type of fear. She described it as a veil lifting. She could see three generations of women, all with a strong appetite for success and a deep fear that it would cost them everything as it had her grandmother. 

Finally, understanding where the fear had come from, it hit her like a ton of bricks that she had a choice to either repeat her grandmother’s fate, or turn the emotional DNA around and embrace the success her grandmother, grandfather, and even her mother, had not been able to accept. She then found herself able to step beyond her fear of failure for the very first time.

The minute we gather the courage to lean in and see what’s running the show is the moment change takes place. Not only do we move from fear to self-confidence, but we also take a giant leap forward from survival to adventure. Once we experience our deepest fear in a larger context outside of our mind, we can let go of fear and step into true freedom.

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Release Inherited Emotional Patterns with Genealogy

Emotional Patterns

How to Release Inherited Emotional Patterns with Genealogy

Genealogy has long played an important role in the lives of people around the world. We understand where we came from and how we belong, and that gives us a sense of lineage, community, and place. We understand why we look the way we do and have certain physiological predispositions for physical health and disease because of our physical DNA. But all of this tells us nothing about our emotional patterns.

There has always been a suspicion that our ancestral past has a lot more to tell us about our emotional well-being and how we act in our daily lives than we know. Yet until the present moment, there haven’t been any good reasons to believe those feelings were anything but suspicions.

However, I have made a breakthrough discovery that allows you to gain personal insights and unlock your hidden potential by linking your genealogy and genetic information to your emotional-behavioral patterns. We now have a breakthrough in genealogy. We now have a way to understand unwanted behaviors at a deep level—mental states and negative emotional patterns that influence why we succeed and fail in various areas of our lives—by using our genealogical information.

Effector patterns

Not only do you inherit your physical DNA, you also inherit patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions that were generated by decisions made by your ancestors about events that occurred in their lives. Each decision generated thoughts, feelings, and actions that resulted in outcomes that in turn affected subsequent generations—patterns I refer to as your Emotional DNA.

All it takes is for one family member to experience a significant event in their daily life—say a fire that destroyed the family home and all personal possessions— for negative patterns or positive behaviors to emerge out of that event. These emotional reactions create a cascading effect. The decisions and assumptions that were made by your ancestors and the conclusions that were drawn as a result of a traumatic event are often responsible for creating systemic patterns that operate in our family systems.

Let’s take the given situation of a house fire for example. Negative emotional patterns arising from that event can take on multiple appearances. One ancestor might develop a flight response to any sort of open flame. Two generations later you wonder why nobody in your family enjoys outdoor cooking, camping and bonfires. Another negative expressive response could be the development of a belief that “Nothing lasts” or “You can’t count on anything being there when you need it.”

Perhaps an irresponsible mental pattern of “carpe diem”—live for the day—begins to flow through the psyches of many family members.  Instead of relating to people, situations and personal possessions in a healthy way, they blow through money, houses, jobs, and relationships, letting things and people slip through their fingers. After all, “It might all be gone tomorrow.” Why try to hold on?

Positive behaviors and positive emotional patterns resulting from the same event might be the development of resilience and the ability to bounce back from anything.

Neural pathways

Our reactions to events generate neural pathways that can either limit or liberate members of our family system. The science of epigenetics shows that if emotional experiences affect us deeply enough, they can affect subsequent family members for generations. Knowing your genealogical history can thus unlock a world of insights and possibilities for the individual. It gives you a way to understand your sometimes inexplicable negative emotions, emotional responses, and even your physiological responses to life experiences. It also explains why you are drawn to certain partners, careers, experiences, cultures, and so many other aspects of your life.

For example, have you ever wondered why you need two of everything or have an obsessive need to not waste? You can likely thank your great-grandparents and the Great Depression for that one. And what about your painful emotions based in stressful situations with money? Who in your family lineage made a bold financial move and lost it all? And now you sit in fear of taking risks of any kind and struggle with the inability to see opportunity when it arrives on your doorstep.

When we feel ourselves overwhelmed by emotional-behavioral patterns it is not uncommon to find a prior family member who has experienced something similar. In other words, we are now out of the present moment and repeating the emotional experiences of someone else’s life. How wild is that! And yet I see it all the time. Studies show that we are more frequently repeating history than we are present and living our own lives.

Autonomic nervous system

In systemic work and constellations, we recognize that living our own lives begins when we are fully present, laying down the burdens that don’t belong to us, yet respecting our genealogy. Instead of going into fear-based thoughts and a state of inherited overwhelm when we get triggered, we begin to realize that there are good reasons for the emotional patterns in our lives.

The good news is that there are now increasing ways to explore unwanted behaviors in a healthy way. Rather than being embarrassed or ashamed of painful emotions, jealous reactions, or failure, it’s important to realize that often all these things are not all on you. You may well be tapping into the nervous system and emotional patterns of your family.

When you realize this—the response/emotional reaction that was once a solution to a problem that has now become a problem for you, can be set down or transformed. The next humongous evolution is that once you understand that your experiences may not be your experiences, you are able to rewire your brain. Which means you will actually able to finally have an original thought and an original experience. In fact, you may just be able to find out who you are for the first time as an individual and what you are capable of achieving.

Questions to ask to release inherited emotional patterns

  • Where did your negative emotions come from?
  • Which ones cause you the most pain and perhaps even cause physiological responses?
  • Does another family member exhibit similar negative patterns?
  • When you focus on these patterns and negative emotions what (and who?) has no room to grow in your daily life?
  • What would you like to love?
  • How would you like to be?

The last two questions often take people by surprise and bring them into the present moment. They have to think about their current emotional state and then choose what they might like to experience instead. By doing this I am linking them to their genealogy in order to identify where the flow of joy and success may have stopped and how they might restore it.

The next step is: Think about your own genealogy. What objective experiences (events) have your ancestors experienced that have created subjective experiences and decisions for you? Let me give you an example: Let’s say you have an inexplicable fear of traveling. Anything outside of your local environment causes you distress. There’s a part of you that would love to see the world but for you that brings up terror which makes no sense for you. 

Asking “What would you like to love? And how would you like to be?” triggers the answers: “I would love to see new and even strange places. I would like to feel free to explore!”

The genealogy chart of the person above reveals that their great-grandparents on their mother’s side were forced out of their home in Russia in a pogrom. They were beaten and almost died. They traveled to three different countries before they found a place to settle, each worse than the last. They had no friends for a long time and formed a very tight, safe, family unit.

Immediately you can see where the fear comes from. You can see how back in the day, safety was important. But now it has outgrown its usefulness. Body and mind yearn for more freedom. The past event is past. It has lived in the bodies and minds of three generations and now it is time for something else.     

Exercise:

1) Write down a pattern that lives in you that runs in your genealogy—a pattern/habit that you would like to change.

2) Looking at that pattern ask yourself:

  • What triggered this genealogical pattern in me?
  • Who else in my family was or is like this?
  • What is the common factor?
  • How do I feel connected to them? Does this pattern give me a sense of belonging/comfort/shared unhappiness?
  • What was/is the payoff for staying that way?
  • What would happen if I chose something different?

3) Now ask:

  • When I am this way what do I not have space for in my heart?
  • What is the antidote for this?

4) Take two pieces of paper. On one write: Family + family pattern. On the other write: The antidote. Place both pieces of paper far apart on the floor.

  • Face your family + family pattern and tell them how you feel. (In the above example the feel was safety + limitations + )
  • Really feel your emotional reactions. Really feel the pull of your pattern and its basic emotions.
  • Thank it for coming to you to change it and ask for its support.
  • Turn around so you can feel it at your back and feel that support
  • Face the antidote and name it. (In the above example the antidote was )
  • See how close you can move to that piece of paper as you name it and see if you can say a full “yes” to it.

You want to make sure that you feel what you are saying. This is very important. Emotions drive motion and keep you engaged. You are now consciously wiring new neural pathways into your thinking brain and that plays an important role in establishing positive changes and changing that genealogical pattern. You are also changing basic emotions.

The more you embrace the new direction with new thoughts that feel good and cause positive changes the more affect yourself and others in a healthy way.  Positive thoughts create positive behaviors. Essentially you are creating new emotional DNA and that is very good news. You are becoming the change agent you were born to be.  

A final thing to remember as you disentangle from a genealogical pattern is this: The pattern came to you to inspire growth and emotional intelligence. It is not a burden. It is a gift and always part of your purpose.  

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

Emotional DNA
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How to Release Fear & Fear DNA – Simple Steps

how to release fear

How to Release Fear & Fear DNA - Simple Steps

As humans, most of us are not particularly inclined to watch horror movies. (Although almost 64 percent of US adults aged 30 to 44 say they like or even love the horror movie genre!) Even so, most of us have fear-based thoughts all the time, telling ourselves worst-case scenario horror stories all day long about ourselves, our lives, and our prospects.

“You’re going to run out of money and wind up on the streets.” Or “You’re too stupid to get that promotion.” Or “The person you love the most is going to meet a tragic ending as soon as they set foot out of the apartment.” Or “Everybody hates you and you are going to be all alone, forever.”

These are just a few of the anxious thoughts we indulge in on a daily basis—inner monsters triggering stress hormones that can run the show and frighten us witless. Driven by an over-arching fear of the unknown, the language and tone of our inner thoughts tend to be exaggerated, inflated, and over dramatic. We wouldn’t say such things out loud. But we keep thinking them. And the emotional response they produce and the actions we take around them feel very important and real.

Fear DNA

Fear-based thoughts tend to shift with the generations, and what sounds silly to one generation makes perfect sense if we zoom out and take a look at the whole family system and its events, decisions and consequences. Every generation faces different challenges and has different ways of looking at life events and different coping mechanisms.

Our inner language, including our fear-based thoughts, often reflects multigenerational language around issues not resolved in prior generations, language that contains clues to the places where we are stuck as well as the clues to the next level of expression. For example, you may come from a wealthy family and yet experience fear around money, thinking things like “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Or “Money can’t buy everything.” Or “More money, more problems.”

We call this inner language your systemic language, and no one is immune. Not the smallest among us nor even the titans of industries. We all have fearful thoughts that drive or plague us, until we recognize them for what they really are—clues from the past showing how our ancestors thought about things; clues we can use that show us where we are stuck and how we can shape futures we desire.

Emotional Experience

We often feel deeply that fearful thoughts and feelings belong to us and are inescapable, but systemic work, constellations and epigenetics indicate otherwise. When we look at family history, we often find that the inner monsters—our habit of focusing on the worst-case scenario or our fear of failure—began with a limiting decision an ancestor made about an event.  

For example, a wealthy great-grandfather takes a chance on a good prospect and loses most of his money. He vows not to ever take a gamble of any sort ever again. He tells himself that he was stupid and reckless and becomes filled with excessive worry about money. He feels ashamed and embarrassed and develops a fear of rejection. He tells his children not to ever gamble or take a chance. He tells them if they do they will lose everything. 

Three generations later, a great-grandson is offered the opportunity and investment of a lifetime. It is a no brainer, and yet he cannot bring himself to participate. He finds himself in survival mode with skyrocketing stress levels, believing he will lose it all just like his great-grandfather did. The investment takes off and he realizes that this extreme risk aversion that was once a solution for his ancestor is the very thing that is now hurting his family. What was once a solution is now a problem and it’s time to get help.  

This is a good example of how fearful thoughts, fearful feelings, common fears, and survival response are passed on. The original ideas are designed to keep us safe, but the message keeps traveling through the generations until it turns into a problem.  Once we recognize the thought patterns and their source, however, we can change the fearful thoughts anytime we want to. We can do a 180.  

Attaining Emotional Freedom

One of the main ways we can experience a turnaround of fearful thoughts, stressful situations, and all the painful emotions accompanying these things is by realizing that the negative patterns of thoughts that have been running the show do not belong to us. They are ancestral patterns that we have inherited.

Using the above example, I would ask the client to verbalize his fear around investing and ask him about his grandfather’s and father’s language about money and investing. (Or about other ancestors and their language around money.) As soon as the client sees where the originating event happened and gets that the fearful thoughts, negative difficult emotions and unwanted behaviours do not belong to him, I would invite him to recognize where that fear belongs, and then literally hand the negative emotional patterns back to the person they originally belonged to.

The next step involves the client imagining what he would really like to do, how he would like to be instead of acting out the old negative emotional patterns. He might recognize that where his great-grandfather had no access to information, he now does. He can do due diligence where his great-grandfather could not. He can hire wise financial advisors. Finally, the client voices the new options and choices that he has decided upon.

The Pivot Points

There are two pivot points that occur when shifting anxiety disorders and common fears. The first occurs when the person acknowledges that this pattern is damaging and does not belong to him or her. We call this “acknowledging what is.” The second pivot happens when s/he recognizes that s/he can do things differently and that, indeed, the family system will be better off if s/he does something different. Sometimes permission is needed from the ancestors for the client to move forward into a happier life. There is often a sigh of relief or a smile or perhaps tears when this is done. There may be insight and compassion for those who came before the client or a movement in the direction of a new opportunity.

Dealing with Common Fears

Unfortunately, excluding excessive worry, fearful thoughts, and anxiety symptoms from your life is not an option. In all systems and situations, what we exclude creates a pattern that expands and repeats. In other words, what we resist persists and grows. I often ask participants at my events to actually thank the monsters in their lives (and in their heads). Even fearful thoughts have purpose. They are often treasures in disguise—pain points that push us to pay attention to what isn’t working and then grow.

When you can acknowledge the purpose of even your deepest fear and thank it, then you can use fear as motivation to do better than those who came before you. Once the monsters have been seen, acknowledged and included, they can quiet down. The pattern has been seen and their purpose pivots from acting as a signal into becoming a portal of possibility—the opportunity to do something different.

Systemic Questioning Exercise

  • Think about a time when you have wanted to do something new or exciting and identify the fearful thoughts that have stopped you from trying.
  • Write down your deepest fear(s), any fear response and the uncomfortable feelings, and physical symptoms they produced.

 Now ask yourself the following questions:

  • When did these feelings first begin for you?
  • What was happening in your life at the time?
  • What did you make these fearful thoughts mean about you?
  • What did you make them mean about others?
  • Does anyone in your family have a similar pattern?
  • Did their anxiety symptoms begin for them at roughly the same age as they did for you?
  • Was there a triggering event?
  • Have you always felt this way?
  • Do these fearful thoughts belong to you, or did they begin with someone else?
  • What actions have you taken around these fearful thoughts?

Create a Constellation Around Your Deepest Fear

Constellations are a three-dimensional process that enables you to take your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc. and literally set them all out in front of you in such a way that you get to see, hear, touch, feel and walk through what goes on inside your system and inside your head.

You can do the following exercise at home using index cards, paper, Post-it Notes, whatever takes your fancy.

Issue Constellation

  • Write your deepest fear (for example “fear of failure”) on an index card or piece of paper.
  • Create a separate card/paper for every family member
  • Write your own name on a card/paper

Place the cards on the floor in an open area—or on a table top if you don’t have room—in any sort of arrangement that feels right to you and just notice the way the cards are placed.

  • Who is close to you and who is further away?
  • Who is closest to your fear? You? Other family members?
  • What does it feel like to see your “issue” out in front of you like this?
  • Stand on your own card and look around. What do you notice? What do you feel? Are any emotions coming up around your fear? Any insights?
  • Really take the time to listen to your thoughts and feel your feelings. 

It is quite amazing the kind of information that can be gleaned from being able to literally see and walk through the energetic relationships involved around a specific issue. Once you can experience your deepest feelings of fear in a larger context outside of your head, it stops being so personal and stops beings such a painful experience. If you can trace your issue to its source, it no longer belongs to you and you can let it go and be free.

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

Emotional DNA