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Discover How to Find Your Superpower and Shine

how to find your superpower

Discover How to Find Your Superpower and Shine

We often think of superpowers as belonging to superstars. What we fail to realize is superstars were people just like us until one day they woke up and saw something in themselves that they wanted to take to the world. And this self-belief encouraged them to form a future vision of what they could accomplish and reach their full potential. And for many of those people, that vision and journey arrived at a later age in life. So take heart!

Not everybody knows they have a superpower. And yet we all do. It’s usually a characteristic that we take for granted, our unique strengths that become second nature to us. You know, like everybody says, you are kind, or have a great sense of humor, or are always so calm in the middle of a storm. Well, all those things are their own superpowers.

Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t taught to recognize such character traits as important, let alone as a superpower. As a result, those individual strengths of ours can’t show up for us and take us all the places we want to go. And yet such qualities add tremendous value to others in the world around us. Kindness, humor, calm in a storm—those traits can be huge assets in the context of your work. Certainly, they make us better friends, lovers, and partners!

Maybe you’ve had such a superpower for years. Maybe your natural gift is an extension of your family system. Perhaps everyone in your family is service-oriented… in politics, medicine, law, construction, and you’re wired that way too. Or maybe you’ve recognized something about yourself recently, your crazy ability to put the right people together to get things done. Or maybe you’ve recognized that you just see straight to the core issue of everything, and you choose to cultivate that talent further. No matter how it shows up, when you truly invest in your innate abilities, you get to shine and create meaningful work.

Consciously investing in your own strengths will take you as far as you want to go. “But what if I don’t know what my superpower is?” you ask. Great! Glad you asked! 

Let’s look at places where you might find your superpower.

Superpower Locations

  • Look at where you feel comfortable, happy, and capable. And excited! This is often where your greatest strength emerges.
  • Notice your default behavior in times of stress or times of excellence. These moments reveal your extraordinary abilities
  • Significant events as a child (Perhaps a parent became incapacitated, and you had to take over, developing your leadership role early.)
  • Illnesses (Severe illnesses tend to mature children very quickly and make them resilient, often creating a strong ability to handle challenges.)
  • Things your parents told you about yourself. (You’re smart, funny, athletic.) Look for the common thread in their observations.
  • Things your teachers told you about you (You’re smart, helpful, socially adept.) These insights often point to your unique superpowers
  • Things you’ve told yourself about yourself. No! Not the bad stuff! The good stuff! (I’m resilient. I’m patient. I’m flexible.) This creative thinking about your own qualities matters.
  • Choices you’ve made about yourself. (I will be reliable. I will be forgiving.)
  • Decisions you made about others (I can’t trust anyone else to take care of me. There are smart people out there, I’m going to learn from them.)
  • Big dreams (I’m going to become a doctor/millionaire/best mother/most famous …)
  • Any callings (Any deep interests.)
  • Sufferings/sacrifices (Doing without, putting in extra time at sport, pushing yourself at something.) These experiences often build the foundation for making a positive difference
  • Promises (“Dear God, if you … I will ….”)
  • Secrets (I will keep your secret and keep you safe, even at my cost.)
  • Successes (In school, at work, at home, in sports, in talents, in finance, in relationships)
  • Failures (family, finances, marriage, loss of a job)

In every one of the categories listed above, you have a chance to discover your superpower(s). And then you get to maximize and run with what shows up for you (and in you). But if you don’t pay attention, what happens is just what happens, and opportunity passes you by. For example, you’re good at computers and you’re good at programming and you LOVE gaming. You hear about modding (modifying other people’s game programs online) and feel a thrill of excitement rise inside. I can do that!! You think. But then you forget about it and stick with your regular programming job at a tech firm because the money’s good and you know the routine. That’s you not paying attention.

At home, are you the one in charge, the great support, the comforter, the sensible one, the one who brings joy? At work, are you the dependable one, the decision maker, the gatekeeper, the entrepreneur, the life of the party? All of these are skills. Once you invest in them, they become superpowers. But you have to BELIEVE in that part of you first!

Sturdy Companions

I’ll repeat. Desire and self-belief form the foundation and are the loyal companions of all superpowers. Self-belief does not allow for trash-talking or deviation from your desired path. And if that does happen, self-belief is what gets you back on track. Desire helps you to lock onto purpose and stick with a dream until its final outcome. Desire and self-belief are two of the most important things to cultivate in order for a superpower to flourish.

Your superpower is also your rocket fuel. And when you tie it to a purpose, you can go far. For example, if your superpower is vision, you just see the what and wherefore in situations and what people should be doing to maximize outcomes for themselves. Tie that to a purpose to help people while simultaneously making a good living, and you’re on your way to developing a great consulting business. Your superpower and your purpose will pull you past excuses and reasons for staying stuck. But you have to ACTIVATE them and follow through.

Stephen Hawking gave humanity some of the most incredible insights into the universe, and yet, for a considerable part of his life, he was wheelchair bound and could not even use his voice. That did not deter his superpower, which was imagination and thinking outside the box. And it didn’t derail his purpose, which was sharing what he saw. Therein lies the key. He committed to growing that superpower and that purpose every day. And the excitement that generated vaulted him beyond the most incredible limitations. He showed up, even when his body was completely incapacitated, which is a characteristic of a superpower. We show up for it over and over until it becomes the norm.

Not everyone is a Stephen Hawking. But that doesn’t matter. You’re YOU. And you have gifts that you can turn into superpowers. And that is called actualizing your human potential, one thought, one feeling, and one action at a time. The minute you truly say “YES!” to a desire and purpose and hook it up to those qualities that make you uniquely you, your thoughts, feelings, and actions change. And when you stick to it, it all locks into place head, heart, gut … whole body. Truly. 

Most people stop just short of finally activating their superpower. They turn around at the threshold, lacking the belief that they have it or that it’s meaningful enough. So, quit being so darned scared that you don’t have a superpower and know that it is part of your Emotional DNA. Everybody has one or more. We humans are, however, extremely skittish about owning it. Our biggest fear is that we will actually succeed and have to show up and work hard and take responsibility for our superpower and its effects. And yet it’s our greatest joy. 

PRO TIP:

  • Use elevated emotions. Gratitude, joy, love, curiosity, and excitement are some of the strongest emotions you can use to get you through resistance and all the way to where you want to be. They don’t allow you to quit. 
  • Commit to driving strategies such as always showing up, asking questions, relentlessness, acknowledging successes, embracing belief in positive outcomes, and resilience.
  • Move out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to try something new.
  • Always ask yourself: What more can I do to grow my superpower?
  • Avoid trash-talking, self-doubt, tiredness, and giving up. They are the enemies of superpowers. 
  • Avoid lower emotions such as anger, hatred, despair, apathy, sadness, and hopelessness.

Remember: Your superpower must inspire and excite you. That is the quality of a superpower. And its power is revealed as people around you acknowledge it in their conversations with you. Pay attention. Activate your potential and finally see the incredible being that you are and the amazing things you can accomplish with your superpower!

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

 

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!
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How to Unlock the Law of Manifestation and Attraction

law of manifestation

How to Unlock the Law of Manifestation and Attraction

Inner Demons, Angels and Manifestation

Let’s talk about the Law of Manifestation. It’s always a hot topic. Everybody thinks they can do it, and the fact is, they’re right. The problem is, given our systemic roots, we tend to be really, really good at manifesting negative thoughts and things we don’t want rather than the angels and what we do want!

The thing about the Law of Manifestation is that it simply requires alignment of head, heart, and gut—something we humans are not very good at when it comes to what we want. I always describe it as being like baby Merlin with an untrained wand. Magic things happen in fits and starts, but he’s not quite sure how to get consistent results with the doggone thing.

Similarly, the rest of us humans are able to summon up anger, sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt, self-blame and negative self-talk at a snap of our fingers. But we seem to be unable to use our magic to do the same for the great things we want in life. And the question is, “Why”? 

Well, think about it. How many consistently good experiences do we have in our daily life that train us to expect good things to consistently come? The answer for most of us is “not so many.” And a lot of people seem to be completely at peace with that. After all, our family system and our social system tell us not everybody gets to be rich, famous, or happy. They tell us only a few lucky souls get to hit the jackpot, usually quite by accident. And the result of this kind of thinking is, as I said, like baby Merlin running amuck with his subconscious mind, unable to manifest his dream life through powerful tools like vision boards.

The Competition Queen

But there are the uncommon exceptions to the rule. Helen Hadsell was known as the American Competition Queen because she won just about every competition she entered. She even won a house which was showcased at the 1964–65 New York World’s Fair. She was so consistent in her winning she eventually ended up lecturing and holding workshops on positive thoughts. 

How did she do it? Well, Helen said she was always fully prepared to win and expected to win. It never crossed her mind that she wouldn’t. When most people entered a contest, they filled out the form, stuck a stamp on it, dropped it in the mailbox and then forgot about it. When she entered the competition to win that house, she entered the competition, then sat down and drew up the plans for its design. On the day the winner was to be announced, she sat by her phone and waited for the call. And she wasn’t disappointed. 

Helen understood something at a very deep level. When your thoughts, feelings, and inspired action are aligned, there is no disagreement in your being on any level. You are not doubting. You are not unconsciously hitting the brakes. You’re full-on sure you’re going to win. Helen had trained her head, heart, and gut to be in a state of agreement around whatever competition she entered. Instead of forgetting about it, or harboring limiting beliefs, she would use creative visualization to think about the prize, how it would feel to have it, and what she would do with it. She maintained a positive mindset and stayed in the present moment, free from negative energy that could sabotage her success. Her approach represents one of the best ways to achieve financial abundance in your own life. In other words, the runway for that prize was clear all the way from takeoff to coming back down into her hands to land, demonstrating the powerful tool of aligned intention. 

The Doubt Demon

Now, I’m sure I can hear you saying that you’ve tried positive statements before. But I’m also 100 percent sure that the little voices of doubt crept in there somewhere. After all, doubt is a global meta pattern we’re all subject to. And yet, you know how to manifest. You do it all the time when you want something small. You want it. That’s it. You don’t worry or doubt about it. You simply want it and you go get it. 

This is you fully present, anticipating your ‘prize’ and getting it. And you do that many times per day in your everyday life. From something as simple as what you want on your toast to where you want to go shopping for a new coat. You might be on a budget, but you are going to get what you are after. 

Helen simply chose to want really big things instead of really little things. She tuned out the pesky multi-generational voices saying “You can’t,” and focused on what she wanted and what would bring her and those around her fulfilment and joy. Her approach is one of the most effective manifestation techniques for achieving your best life. And her method was simple. She called it the SPEC Method: Select, Project, Expect, Collect – these actionable steps represent the first step toward creating your ideal life. That simple. And please take note: There isn’t a “D” for doubt, or “F” for fear or “FP” for family patterns in that formula. She didn’t invite her negative feelings or negative experiences into the picture. Instead, she maintained a positive state of mind and positive energy, which played a vital role in her success. 

A Simple Exercise

  • Grab a spiral gratitude journal or an empty notebook.
  • Write down your deepest desires on the first line and pay attention. Can you hear all of those voices instantly telling you that you can’t have it? And why? 

Welcome to the world of your systems. Now let’s break through that noise and get more of what you want – this is a great way to shift from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset:

  • Looking at what you want, explain to yourself why this is a good thing for your mental well-being.
  • Every time you hear a dissenting voice, write what it says on a separate page. (You are going to become really good at spotting systemic language that doesn’t serve you.)
  • Assign the excuse an owner. For example, “You can’t have that, it’s too expensive.” – Dad.
  • Go back to what you want and write down all the reasons why what you want is a good thing. Assign that an owner too. For example, “I want you to have this because I couldn’t.” – Mom.
  • Keep writing down all the reasons for having it and assign them owners. 

When you reach reason that has no owner other than you, you have just hit a pure desire. It belongs to only you. It is part of your path. When all the little demons and the voices of others who harbored them are silent and you are looking at what belongs to only you, listen for the whispers of the angels. The ones encouraging you to go towards your desire. 

Now that you’ve chosen what you purely want, it’s time to just imagine it. And please, don’t strain your brain on this! So many people think they have to go after what they want with gritted teeth and a furrowed brow. Not true! This is just more programming. Effort and strain do not equal manifestation. Effort often means you are fighting an ancestral battle. 

With all the resistant noise out of the way, simply relax into imagining, enjoying, and expecting what’s to come. Know that you’ve aligned your head, heart, and gut, and wait for the result.

I recently watched a program with 1,000 contestants who eventually got whittled down to one winner. It was fascinating to watch the faces and body language of the participants. You could clearly see who was going to win and who was going to lose ahead of time. Their ancestry and the little voices that accompanied them were clearly in evidence, taking down the contestants one by one. 

The final winner was the one who had the clearest, most detailed vision and purpose. When the host asked the winner what he would do with the money, there wasn’t even a flicker of a pause. He could articulate it quickly and clearly. When asked how he could be so calm, he said he’d been preparing for this for a long time, and knew the final prize was his.

Your manifesting breakthroughs are no different. Stay true to your choices and vision and do not allow little demons or dissenting voices to come through. Align head, heart, and gut with the prize you want. When you take full responsibility for who you are and all that you want, then it can be yours.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

 

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!
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Surround Yourself With Those Who Inspire you

surround yourself with those who inspire you

Surround Yourself With Those Who Inspire You

Walking with Giants

In my last blog I asked you who made you pretend to be too small and why. Now I’m going to flip the question and ask you, “Who in your life has elevated you? Who are the giants with whom you have walked?” (Everybody has walked with giants.) This reflection is often the first step toward personal growth

Some of you are lucky enough to have experienced that with your parents. And you probably ended up wanting to grow up to be like them. How wonderful! Others of you may have had a teacher or a relative who stood tall in your eyes. Who was kind and big hearted, thoughtful and who listened to you and encouraged you, and told you how good you were. Perhaps you’ve been lucky enough to work in a company with leaders who elevate the people around them, including you. Surrounding yourself with the right people can truly be a great thing for your development.

You recognize these giants by the way they make you feel. They are on the opposite end of the spectrum from those who belittle, criticize, and do not see or support your potential. If you look at those who have made you feel uncomfortable, put down, or limited, chances are they’ve only had the same thing done to them and don’t know any other way to “lead.” They do not see the possibilities, only the problems. Amazing people lift others up rather than tear them down, inspiring those around them to reach their full potential.

The Company You Keep is Vital

It is no coincidence that most success books advise you to surround yourself with people who are more successful than you. There is sound reasoning behind that. High-functioning people are usually not the ones who will rain on your parade. They are the ones who look at you and see the inner genius waiting to be unleashed. I refer to these giants as possibility thinkers and creators of the world the way we would like it to be. Passionate people like these can transform how you see yourself and your potential.

You can easily spot these type of people in real life. They have a lot of energy, a ready smile, and they do not think the world owes them anything. They are always eager to create better lives for themselves and those around them. They’re always growing and finding new avenues of expression and creativity.

They don’t give up. They convert disappointment or failure into steppingstones for their next level of success. Their inner “self talk” is usually far kinder and positive than the inner self talk of most of us. After being in their presence, you feel energized and ready to take on the world. Often, you experience the lighting of your own inner fire. You come away with a better sense of yourself, a better sense of your own possibilities, and the belief you can get what you want to do done. This inspiration often comes from meeting people who have put in the hard work to achieve their goals.

Why then would you hang around with people who do the opposite? 

Of course, the answer almost always is familiarity and the family system. We are so afraid to not belong that we deliberately, although often unconsciously, dim our light to fit in with those around us. However, if you look over at the giants, they, too, fit in. But in a very different way. Rather than trying to belong to something limiting, they create a space of uplift and belonging for those around them and themselves. They have realized that they do not have to shrink, and they create ‘fitting in’ on a much larger scale.

Giants are Made, not Born

Be aware these people were not always giants. It’s just that at some point in their lives they consciously chose to walk a bigger path. Look at Walt Disney. He came from nothing—the son of an itinerant carpenter, his father forced him and his brother as kids to work a paper route for money. It was tough love. But his father instilled a work ethic and desire for self-betterment that guided Walt to eventually create the world’s largest and most famous entertainment empire.

Elias Disney never accomplished much himself, but he lit a fire in his son. And inner fire is the most valuable commodity on the planet. Forget rare earth minerals or gold. Until they are mined by someone with vision and inner fire, they mean nothing. 

Look around at the giants in any industry. They have passion and drive that is bigger than the obstacles they might encounter. They also know that it takes a village to accomplish their dreams, and they are quick to elevate the members of their village who want to join the dream. They do not hold back on praise. They know that in order to accomplish their dreams they need smart, talented people around them who also need their dreams encouraged and supported.

This isn’t grandiose or egotistical. It’s passing the baton of greatness. And “greatness” is in all of us. It’s the way we were meant to be … but we forgot. 

Retuning the System

Systemically, because of our family and social systems, we are well attuned to suffering and limitations. They give us the excuse to stay small—swapping complaints and victim stories at the water cooler and over drinks after work. We’re delighted when gossip floats across our desk. It may not be nice. It may be boring. But it does generate a sense of belonging. Misery loves company, after all. Right?

And yet, the more interesting adventure, the one less chosen, is the adventure of passion and growth. When we are fortunate enough to plug into something bigger than we are, at some point, the light switches on and we can ride it all the way to success.

Have a look at your life. Who are the giants with whom you have walked? Who really made a difference in your life? Who made you feel good about yourself? What was it about them and their message that you could let in? Have you used what they taught you to start on your own conscious path of becoming a giant?

Yes, I know. Most of you are going to tell me you aren’t giants, and that you never could be. And I’m going to challenge you. 

  • Please write down as many times you can think of where you have been kind, encouraging, elevating, or joyful. 
  • Where did you see someone’s potential and point it out? 
  • Where did you leave someone happier, wiser, more encouraged? 
  • If I asked you to write down on a whiteboard all the times you made a difference in people’s lives—no matter how big or small—how big would that whiteboard have to be?

It may surprise you to discover that you are one of the giants in this world. Don’t underestimate yourself or the power of your words, your smile, your presence, your vision, to elevate people. Who knows how many giants you have helped to create! 

Today, I want you to take an empty journal. On the front page write down the heading, “The Giants in My Life.” Then write down all the times that someone has been a part of lighting your fire. This is most important. Ask yourself what you thought about each person and each time. How you felt about that and what you did about that. These are the memories you need to activate. They are at the core of your systemic legacy for growth. 

When you’ve finished, write down the next heading, “How I’m a Giant in the Lives of Others.” 

More than anything, when a giant lights your fire, your job is to tend to that fire and pass it on. It’s part of your systemic heritage, and your gift to the world. And if you’re only on page one of this section, that’s okay. You have the rest of those journal pages to fill, and the rest of your life to do it.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

 

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!
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Overcoming Limiting Beliefs – Who Taught You to Pretend You Were Small?

overcoming limiting beliefs

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs - Who Taught You to Pretend You Were Small?

I have a very well-known client who is a top producer in Hollywood, bringing out some of the biggest movies and interacting with some of the world’s top stars. I asked her one day why she was behind the camera, not in front of an audience. It was just a casual question, but her answer and reaction revealed deep-seated negative self-talk and self-limiting beliefs. She turned bright red and said “You won’t catch me dead in front of a camera or on stage!”

Now, I’d only asked her about being in front of a camera, but I’m used to listening carefully to what people say and how they say it. Her emotional reaction was extreme given the casualness of the question. And I noted the addition of the word “stage”- a potential blind spot in her comfort zone. 

So, I asked her what had happened to her when she was on a stage, and how old was she at the time? She was shocked at my insight, but went on to tell me that when she was young age of eight, she had loved everything to do with the stage and entertainment. She attended a large school with a robust fine arts program, and at one point got together with a group of students and presented them with a play that she had written. She cast all of the children into the different roles, and took on the starring role herself. 

They presented the play to the whole school. (She described it as “One of the greatest adventures of my life to date.” Which was a pretty huge statement!) Giddy with excitement at the good reception they received, she danced over to the teacher who was in charge of the program. Expecting to be praised for her extra work and initiative, she was floored by the teacher’s response: “Nobody likes show-offs, you should be ashamed. And you weren’t that good anyway.” This turning point created negative experiences that became the biggest obstacle to her personal growth as a performer.

This story illustrates how past experiences can shape our inner voice and create mental roadblocks that limit our full potential. What might have been this producer’s career path had that teacher chosen to nurture rather than criticize? How often do our own negative beliefs stem from similar moments in our life experiences?

The message sank deep and became part of a profile of shame. She never set foot on stage again, and it took her much time to become a movie producer. Her emotional well-being was so compromised that she would experience high anxiety anytime a director asked her to stand-in for a quick sound or camera check, causing tears and anxiety throughout production of her first two movies. This fear of failure had transformed into invisible barriers affecting her professional development. 

I asked if she felt up to gently going back to revisit that moment – the first step toward healing these core beliefs. And I encouraged her to stop the process anytime it felt overwhelming. Setting up a constellation, I asked her to place a representative for her younger self, as well as one for the teacher, and for entertainment in general. There wasn’t much to do after that. She immediately got up from her chair and rushed over to the stand-in for her eight-year-old self and burst into tears. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she sobbed. Then she looked at me. “Everybody told me how good I was, but somehow that teacher’s words struck hardest, and I couldn’t get on stage after that. Even now, I find myself asking directors and actors if I’m too much or not good enough. And they’re usually shocked by my question. But now I can see, looking at my eight-year-old self, how impactful it was listening to the wrong voice. And how sad it all is.” This moment of recognition was the beginning of challenging limiting beliefs that had been operating in her subconscious mind for decades.

Pay Attention

As a systemic facilitator, I cannot tell you how many times people share similar stories. One line from a teacher or a family member is enough to send a child down rabbit holes of negative thoughts their entire lives. Words have weight. Our ears don’t always hear what is in our best life interests. The thoughts we create as a reaction to those words become self-fulfilling prophecy, either negatively or positively. Our gut reacts. Things happen. And before we know it, we become what we have chosen to pay attention to, creating long-term patterns that require conscious effort to change.

But how can an eight-year-old child ward off a negative comment by a teacher? The answer is straightforward: Teach your children not to allow anyone to make them small. Teach them that if somebody says or does something and it feels bad to them, and their bodies feel angry or sad, that they need to express their feelings. Sit with them. Validate their feelings and then tell them that other people’s opinions are not necessarily the absolute truth. Teach them that if something unkind is said, the owner of those words is talking about themselves. They should not and MUST not take those unhelpful thoughts into their bodies because they may be creating a lifetime of limitation. Perhaps they will even be repeating generations of limitation. Instead, help them develop empowering beliefs that will serve as defense mechanisms against such harmful messages.

What about you?

Every single one of you has been embarrassed, shamed, blamed, belittled, shocked, and guilted in a way that has changed your life. You may not have realized it, but every circumstance in which you find yourself feeling small came from some words or opinion or event that caused you to stop and feel bad about yourself. These experiences often become the most common limiting beliefs that affect your mental health and create negative self-perceptions. Now, you have a choice. You can hold onto those old beliefs, or you can go all the way back to where it began and coach your small, impressionable self into a whole new understanding.

Who told you that you were too small, too big, too whatever, and why? The answers to such simple questions can challenge limiting beliefs, create real change, and ignite profound growth. Think back, and then ask yourself:

  • What would you say to that younger self? 
  • What would you like to say to the person that told you those wrong things about yourself? 
  • What do you want to tell your future self? 

This may sound like a simple practice, but it is literally an exercise that can undo the limiting “spell” that you helped to cast onto yourself. By recognizing your subconscious boundaries and becoming your own cheerleader, you are also setting up your future self for success.

I asked the client I was just talking about to do this exercise. After she apologized to her younger self, she told her younger self, “You were really, really good in that play,” Then she turned around and told her future self, “I’m coming for the camera.” We put a representative into the constellation for the camera, and she told it, “I have loved you all my life, but I was too ashamed to stand in front of you. I can’t wait to do that. I am really, really coming for you.”

Today, she is doing exactly that. She untangled what had been created and started heading towards what she really wanted. As a side note, it should not surprise anyone to find out that in her family her mother had also been shamed. On top of that, her grandmother had been told that “Girls should not show off.” So, her own experience was part of an ongoing family system pattern. 

Systems are elegant. While the trauma is long gone, the body does not forget. The stories are always there, waiting to be discovered, given their place, and added to—turning tragedy to triumph. But few of us think to go back to where it all began. 

And as far as the future is concerned. Next time somebody makes a pronouncement about you … is dismissive, angry and condemning, always realize that this is about them. Do not make it about you. Instead ask yourself internally, is “Oh yeah? Says who?” And then work out how to move beyond it. Shake off those chains! They didn’t belong to you in the first place. 

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

 

Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!
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Shifting Limiting Patterns to Thrive as a Leader

shifting limited patterns

Shifting Limiting Patterns to Thrive as a Leader

That Touchy-Feely Woo-Woo Stuff

Working with many large companies, part of the work patterns that I do is “offsites”—events away from the workplace, the purpose of which is teambuilding or supporting leadership development. And you would be amazed how often I’m asked, as soon as I walk in, “Are we going to do that touchy-feely, woo-woo stuff?”

This is usually code for, “Am I going to have to look at what runs me and my show and expose what will embarrass me?” (It’s also code for “I don’t think I’m good enough and I’m scared I may not belong or show up well.”) I immediately reassure the team members that embarrassment will not be part of the process. But as far as looking at what runs their show? The answer is an unapologetic “Yes.”

Systemic Work & Constellations is designed to educate, not embarrass. And learning more about yourself and others, how you engage with others and how they engage with you is not some ‘out there’ approach designed to make everyone uncomfortable. It’s the exact opposite! This approach recognizes that shifting patterns is essential for personal and professional growth.

For a large percentage of our lives, the patterns we inherit from our family system run the show. And, if we don’t know what those patterns are, they can hurt us—and not just personally. They also cross over into our professional lives, messing things up when we least expect it. The operational change needed often starts with understanding these underlying patterns, and we’re usually blind to what’s happening. 

For example, I had a female client, a brilliant paralegal, who was on the verge of getting fired from the law firm she worked for. Why? She was always doing battle with the two male partners of the firm, siding with the female partner over everything. Why? Because she grew up defending her mother from an alcoholic abusive husband—a limiting-thinking pattern she didn’t realize was now running her professional relationships.

Studies show that great leaders and good business people have a great EQ—emotional quotient, which refers to their capacity to recognize and manage their own emotions and the emotions of others. They know how to get the best practices out of themselves and others. And one of the ways they do this is by understanding the unconscious patterns within themselves and by being able to identify unconscious patterns in those around them.

Doing this not only keeps us safer, it turns us into much smarter strategists. (And nicer staff members to be around.) When you know who you are, what you bring to the table, and you know where you belong, you can strategize and achieve your career (and personal) goals a whole lot easier! Maintaining work-life balance becomes more natural when you’re aware of your patterns. 

Once you understand how to look for and shift limiting patterns, not only does this expand you as a person, it grows you as an associate and a leader. You become sharper, and the world swims into focus with a different viewpoint. You are far less likely to be blindsided, which makes you a valuable asset to any company you work with. This kind of personal growth directly impacts employee satisfaction and productivity.

Science-Based

Systemic Work & Constellations is grounded heavily in epigenetics and neuroscience—the science behind genetic emotional inheritance, and the discovery of brain plasticity. These powerhouse tools enable people to take giant steps by exploring unconscious limitations and reframing them into conscious strengths. Just like effective shift patterns in organizations require careful planning, our mental working pattern needs similar attention. Yes, we start out sessions with me asking people to share a personal aspect of their personal lives—and they often share something that is bothering them or not working for them. And, yes, they are usually nervous to begin with doing so. But as we explore the patterns within that issue and how they are being affected by them, a shift changes begins to take place.

Once they begin reframing limited-thinking patterns into helpful strengths and tools, they start to develop a deeper understanding and appreciation of themselves and their patterns. This process helps establish a more predictable schedule for how they respond to challenges. Moreover, as they see the different patterns or matching patterns running their colleagues, they begin to develop more understanding and compassion. Such awareness is particularly valuable during times of high stress, similar to how workforce management strategies help navigate busy periods. And when you understand why someone is the way they are, it makes it so much easier to work with them. Instead of butting heads, understanding leads to cooperation and collaboration. Creating a flexible shift pattern in how team members interact leads to a more predictable schedule of positive outcomes. The big difference comes when people apply these insights to meet specific operational needs while honoring individual differences. Proper workforce management includes understanding these human dynamics, and this leads to increased productivity and enhanced employee wellbeing.

Smart Business

Exploring human potential and investing in it sends a clear message that the company values its associates and that it is not afraid to cultivate excellence and adopt leading-edge strategies. That, in turn, unlocks discretionary energy, aka passion. When a person feels valued, they are motivated to provide value. Understanding employee preferences creates a foundation for engagement that surpasses traditional business requirements. There is a sense of belonging and investment on their part. And when that happens, because it’s human nature to want to be a part of something bigger, people will play all day long. This results in loyalty, an ability to consistently generate surprising results, and low employee turnover, even among those working long hours.

Touchy-feely? I think not! Rather this approach shows how business and personal transformation are actually good friends. They meet the needs of the organisation while addressing individual growth. They do not sit at opposite ends of the spectrum. The right people with the right mindset can transform an organization’s culture. But there’s another aspect to the work I do that helps company leaders explore complex issues and evaluate potential business model paths to follow. Namely the capacity to explore issues in three dimensions—literally to dimensionalize ideas so they can be seen, heard and felt, and not just abstractly thought about.

How many businesses do you think wish they had the opportunity to test ideas and strategies in 3D? This approach enhances operational efficiency in ways traditional planning cannot achieve. Without testing in 3D, planners cannot see the bottlenecks, opportunities, hidden patterns, or unconscious biases that may gridlock or terminate a really good project or idea. Making a project tangible using multiple senses unlocks insights, giving the head, heart, gut connection important information it requires for decision-making, enabling organizations to better respond to operational demands and consumer demands.

When I work with companies that use this 3D technology for diagnosing, strategizing, and designing company paths and directions, they report discussions moving in exciting directions they had not anticipated. This creates operational flexibility that traditional approaches miss. They find solutions they would have never contemplated, often challenging common shift patterns in thinking. The resulting innovations can help organizations navigate various factors that affect performance, from team dynamics to market conditions. With this approach, companies are better equipped to handle last-minute changes while maintaining their strategic focus and direction.

Seeds of Greatness

As humans we are inclined to quickly shut down what we don’t understand or dismiss it as “out there” instead of using it to our advantage. Just as shift workers adapt to changing schedules, our minds must adapt to new ways of thinking. For far too long the human inner world has been a landscape business has been reluctant to explore. And yet therein lie the very seeds of our genius. It also contains information and wisdom from prior generations that may help us to make smart decisions. Much like creating effective shift patterns, we need to recognize when old patterns need adjustment. What has been a limitation in a prior generation is often waiting to become a superpower in our hands. With a tweak or a reframe, what seemed sad or hopeless is often the pivot point that becomes purpose, direction, and success, similar to how a well-designed alternating week schedule can transform productivity.

Learning to understand themselves deeply is gold for leaders looking to get to the next level, who want to think outside the box or hone a particular skillset. This self-awareness helps them create the right shift pattern for their teams and organizations. The invisible and the unconscious become a treasure chest for the innovative leader who is willing to look. These people understand very clearly that this is neither woo-woo nor touchy-feely, but human advancement at its finest, comparable to how shift planning revolutionizes organizational efficiency.

Such individuals and leaders understand that their limits are only the ones that they give to themselves. They know that when the mind and heart and gut work together, powerful innovation and incredible advancement can result—much like how continuous coverage ensures that no opportunity is missed. Their minds don’t operate on rigid work schedules but remain flexible and adaptable. Sometimes they need rest periods to recharge, while other times they work with the intensity of those on night shifts, pursuing breakthrough ideas. They are not afraid of what might seem woo-woo or touchy-feely, understanding that beneath such a label there is gold to be found. They recognize that the right time to implement new ideas often comes when they’ve allowed themselves to explore beyond conventional thinking, similar to how the effectiveness of a shift pattern is measured by outcomes rather than adherence to tradition.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

 

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Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim

How Stop Playing the Victim

Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim

There are victims. And then there are victims. Many times, quite unintentionally, we are victims of negative experiences from family members, or a car accident, or assault, or have been cheated in some way. These negative situations may give us the short end of the stick for the first time. In these cases, we’re a victim, but only briefly because, as we heal, we move on.

But there are also victims who stay victims because they don’t know how to move on. They haven’t been taught how to think differently. They don’t know how to advocate on their own behalf in a way that moves them past “stuck.” And they succumb to self-victimization, often developing a victim mentality as a coping mechanism. This can become a habitual way of responding to life circumstances, leading to learned helplessness over a long time.

I have seen people who have been abused, assaulted, or cheated who never recover from the story they create around the situation. People tell them, “You will never be the same after that.” And they agree and they stay stuck in the trauma. Then there are others who agree—they know they’ll never be the same again—but they use what happened to rise-up even higher than before. Through personal growth, they are no longer victims.

So, what is the difference between these people? Plain and simple, the thoughts, feelings, and actions aligned with their emotional DNA that take them one way or the other. Let’s look at this dynamic.

Cultural Programming

Many people from many demographics, cultures, and ethnicities carry an emotional DNA burden on their backs and are stuck in a trance of victimization, In some cultures, suffering as one’s forefathers suffered becomes something of a badge of honor. But the cost individually, generationally, and culturally is enormous as evolution is stunted. People become so wedded to being loyal to the suffering of those who came before that they will fight the idea of switching the paradigm and thinking, doing, and being different. This learned behavior continues over the long run, creating a repeating pattern that’s difficult to break.

Wars are started in this way. Peoples’ unconscious loyalties to what came before keep them stuck in the victim mentality, angrily defying any suggestion that change might be good, holding onto rage and thoughts of retribution rather than acknowledging that the past trauma is past and it’s best for all concerned to move on.

The Master Victim

The master victims are the ones who carry immense burdens with the smile of a saint. Unfortunately, they may look good on the outside, but inside they’re secretly longing for a happier life. But because they’ve chosen the victim role their culture, ethnicity and sometimes the global system at large insists upon, they know a happier life is not their lot. They look around and all they see is the system and they can’t understand anything else is possible. So, they make the best of a bad situation and opt to elevate the position of victim as a payoff. 

And don’t you know, “misery loves company.” Many people choose to band together and commiserate with one another about their unfortunate lives, especially during hard times. It feels good because everybody’s doing it, so it becomes what’s normal. The master victim often enters a victim mode that becomes an acquired personality trait over a lot of time. The master victim’s goals also tend to be small, and they may be resistant to suggestions of positive change in general. If they achieve something significant, they tend to put it down to luck and/or downplay their role.

A lot of anger is associated with being a master victim. And one of the ways to channel this anger is for a master victim to become the champion of some sort of cause. In systemic work, we see this a lot in demographics that have been beaten down, marginalized, ignored, or forgotten. People borrow generations of anger, seeing themselves as change agents. The problem with the champion/activist is that—coming from the victim’s mindset—they are seldom there to simply right the wrong and add value. Instead, caught in their history, they’re unable to be fully present and effective, instead, repeating and expanding division and negative emotions and anger.

Victimhood Starts Early

School is one of the first places where we have the opportunity to stand up for ourselves and grow. I often ask school-aged children who are struggling, “How did you feel when you got upset and stuck? Did you ask the teacher to help? To clarify what happened? Did you make sure that you got what you needed?” 

Unfortunately, often the answer is “no,” because they either have never received much help from their own family, or they are too self-conscious or embarrassed to ask the teacher for help. So, instead, they blame, and say things like “Mrs. Barton doesn’t know how to teach.” Or “Mr. Anders hates me.” They develop a sense of helplessness and are stuck. (Blame always stops progress.) At that point I offer them the idea that if they are a little bit brave, they might get what they need and even end up liking themselves in the process. I tell them asking for help is a brave thing to do and that it will make them feel stronger and more capable, helping them leave their comfort zone.

This, of course, is a strategy that works well at pretty much any age and any situation where somebody is stuck blaming others and feeling helpless. The best way forward is recognizing your own needs and taking an action step toward addressing them. Inviting help is always a way forward and definitely a bold move away from playing victim. It helps build mental toughness over time. It’s something I wish we would all teach our children.

Moving Ahead

In my last blog I gave a recipe for manifesting miracles. Which is pretty cool. But I’m willing to bet that at least 80 percent of people looked at the word “miracle” in the title and thought, “No way that’s happening for me,” and tossed it. Well, guess what? That’s the thought and act of someone with a victim mindset.

“But I don’t have the time. Miracles don’t work. I don’t have the bandwidth to read another ‘How to improve my life’ blog.” Well, I’m sorry, but these are all victim excuses often fueled by negative self-talk. How can you tell? Because such excuses are often accompanied by a teeny jolt in the stomach—a tiny pang of guilt that’s there because you really want to believe that miracles can happen and that you can create one. But victim consciousness is standing in the way, telling you that you can’t have that. 

So, where does the tipping point lie? It comes at the moment when you rise up and say, “Enough!” with sufficient conviction that you elevate yourself out of whatever belief system is dragging you down. When this happens, you take full responsibility for your own life and are victim no more. You have risen above division and anger against a perceived oppressor (often oneself); you have risen above pretend indifference and hopelessness. You have moved past the family trance. Your emotional DNA has shifted to the upside.  

Are you on the edge of change? Look around and read about nations and places, like Singapore, where the poor and hopeless chose constructive action and elevated themselves. Watch the disadvantaged child rise-up to become a star pupil. Notice when somebody you know was hurt, but instead of playing victim, offers insight and compassion instead of retaliation. This is how you build personal power and begin the journey of personal development.

Notice strength when you see it. Notice where you resist help, and instead of falling down on the job out of pride and then feeling bad about what happens, be a little bit brave and ask for assistance. Taking the first step to overcome your critical inner voices is essential for mental health.

All it takes is one simple pivot from being a victim to identifying something that makes you want and be a little more. And so, the magic is stirred up and the trance of the master victim is lifted. 

Practice:

Write down all the places / situations in which you feel victimized and unhappy. Do this on a daily basis to become more aware of patterns.

  • Notice where your part in this situation lies. Take personal responsibility rather than playing the victim card.
  • Did this stance begin with you? Or is this part of your emotional DNA inheritance?
  • Go for a walk, and then find a place that feels warm and good and write down how you would like things to change; how you would like to be. Set realistic goals for yourself.
  • Is there a new thought about where you are right now? A new feeling that might shift something?
  • Ask yourself, “How could things be different for me?” Consider ways to take control of your life.
  • Remember imagination is the key. “How might it be if I am no longer felt like a victim? What might I do for myself and the world?” Focus on great things that could happen.
  • Every day over the next 21 days, revisit what you have written down. Find ways to act on your insights. Move ahead and bring joy to yourself and those around you. This consistent practice will help you transform negative thoughts into positive ones.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.


Access your free chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Uncover the secrets of your Emotional DNA and start transforming your life today. Get the first chapter of Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint by Judy Wilkins-Smith for FREE and take the first step toward remarkable change!
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How to Manifest Miracles & Create What You Want in Life

how to manifest miracles

How to Manifest Miracles & Create What You Want in Life

Want a Miracle? Here’s How

The thing about miracles is that, very often, as soon as we put in our request, we shoot ourselves in the foot. We really, really want something and don’t know how it’s going to happen. But our heart is trusting and open and says, “I’m very, very sure about this miracle!” It may even say, “I see it done!” Which is a really solid approach to take for understanding the manifestation process. Until the poison sneaks in and starts sewing doubt. “Aw, it’s not gonna happen,” you think. “How can that possibly happen?” And then, surprise! It doesn’t happen.

Any clues as to the origins of those doubts? If you said, your family system and the beliefs in that system, you are quite right. Very few of us are taught to believe in miracles growing up. So into the family systemic trance we go. And instead of being excited about life’s possibilities, we let negative thoughts control us and berate ourselves for having stupid thoughts and dreams. The power of your mind is incredible, but often we don’t harness it properly because we haven’t developed the positive thinking necessary to manifest what we truly desire.

Even the most enlightened among us are able to kickstart a dialogue of self-doubt (aka miracle destruction). It goes a little like this: “I’m almost sure __X__ is going to happen. But what if it doesn’t? I don’t want to invest too much time and energy on it if I’m only going to end up disappointed.” We don’t want to fail. And we also don’t want to feel like a fool for believing a miracle can occur.  Understanding the law of attraction means recognizing how these thought patterns affect our outcomes.

I hear from so many people things like, “When I was small, I wished for a pony. When I didn’t get one, I realized the stupidity of wishing.” So instead of hoping and believing, we go raid the refrigerator instead. At least we know we can count on that. This disconnects us from the present moment where miracles actually begin to take form.

Can You Spell Sabotage?

So, if you are almost sure of the miracle, why are you riddling it with verbal bullets? Where is the harm in being 100 percent invested in a miracle and believing it all the way to the finish line? Are you so fragile that what you deem to be a failure might stop you from ever wishing for anything again? The power of your thoughts has more influence than you may realize.

It’s really important to find out where in your system the ‘no’ to your miracles lies. If you don’t, your heart may be open to wonderful things, but your head and gut are always going to start an opposing discussion out of unconscious loyalty to the family system. Creating clear intentions is a powerful way to override these limiting family patterns. Explore your life and the lives of your family members. Whose voices are in your head saying you can’t expect good things to happen? Whose voices and attitudes are stomping on your heart’s dreams? 

Your head, heart, and gut must be in agreement for a miracle to manifest. Your heart has to be open and excited. Your mind has to be open and your thoughts positive. Your gut has to have that knowing feeling that “Yes! This is happening!”  If head, heart, and gut are not in alignment, we argue the miracle out of existence. We create blind spots and cannot see the miracle, even if it is right in front of us. 

For example, take the head. We need it to be clear about what we want. After all, this is the substance of miracles, right? Clearly ask and ye shall receive. So far, so good. But then the head starts to argue for all the reasons why it can’t logically happen. The family motto, “Everything we make is by the sweat of our brow,” kicks in. Or we recall grandma saying “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” 

This seems to keep us safe because thinking this way we are in harmony with the rest of humanity who wish miracles happen but are scared to believe in them. We default to our logical grown-up selves and kill it right there. 

Now, let’s move to the heart. In a moment when we are feeling good and trusting life, we ask for a miracle. We are grateful. We’re experiencing elevated emotions, and get excited. And then the head comes knocking and explains to the heart why we don’t deserve it or shouldn’t go after it or it can’t happen. And with that little prompt the heart gets into a place of hurt and closes. 

Now, with the brain and heart misaligned, the gut, also referred to as our second brain, receives a signal that something is off, and immediately its danger signs begin flashing. If the feeling is strong enough, it sends you to the cupboard for an antacid or an antianxiety tablet. Can you see why you drop the idea of a miracle like a red-hot potato? And how many times do you think you have talked yourself out of a miracle at the last minute and walked away just before it unfolded because of this? 

What If ...

Chances are that at some point in your life, no matter how small that event was, you have experienced a time when everything went right, and you walked out with a win. It was a miracle, but you forgot to catch it, recognize it, harness it, debrief it, celebrate it, and accept it for the miracle it was. Recognizing these moments is the first step in understanding your own power.

Stop and think about one of those moments. It’s very likely you were “all-in.” You were on a high vibration that was demonstrating head, heart, gut alignment. And when what you wanted came to fruition. But, because you were never taught that this was the stuff of miracles, you missed it. 

So, what might happen if, for once, you consciously invested in a miracle and followed its trail with an open heart, an open mind, and a settled gut? What different outcome might you have? Making this a daily practice could transform your entire perspective on what’s possible.

Think about buying a special gift for someone you love. You don’t put obstacles in front of that. Your head, heart, and gut all say “Yes!” You may have a momentary concern, but you have enough energy to push through that hesitation. When you see the joy on the face of the recipient, you feel good about yourself. You know you did something right. Remember that feeling, because that is what you are after when you co-create a miracle.

Why do I say co-create? Because the miracle couldn’t have been born without you taking responsibility for making the ask. You are responsible for wanting, asking, and receiving that miracle. But you are also asking the universe/life for something and then receiving. It’s a co-creation. You are also creating something new within your family system: Hope, possibilities and miracles!

Miracle Practice

So, the next time you want a miracle, don’t hold back – go all in. Give hope and miracles a chance. Take your foot off the brake and hit the accelerator hard. Every single thing in the world is in existence because someone was willing to make the request and receive. Now it’s your turn! But there are a few things to keep in mind.

  • Don’t discuss your dream and set yourself up for expectations and failure.
  • Don’t quit! The only time you fail is when you quit too early, and you usually quit too early because your head, heart, and gut are not aligned.
  • Don’t psych yourself out by listening to family programming.
  • Start noticing the many miracles around you. Life is a miracle, remember?
  • Consciously invest in creating and feeling positive emotions. High-level emotions create a field of energy that magnetizes good things.

When you create a goal and invest in it, nothing on this Earth is going to stop you from getting there. If you don’t believe me, think about the smaller things in life you want to receive. You want a frozen yogurt, and as soon as you decide that’s what you want, nothing will stop you from getting it. Right?

The more you ask for and believe/invest in your dreams with an open heart, the more you increase your determination and clarity, the more you enhance you Emotional DNA, which is the doorway to your miracles. Practice, practice, practice. Amazing things will happen when you do.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

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Discovering My Purpose – How Do I Find One?

discovering my purpose

Discovering My Purpose - How Do I Find One?

From an early age we’re taught that every person on the planet has a purpose and that it’s our job to find our own. This belief in living a meaningful life is so ingrained, it’s almost a mystical or religious thing. The problem is, many of us don’t know what our true purpose is, leaving us searching for a sense of meaning. So, we spend half (or more) of our daily life running around trying to find it, meanwhile feeling inadequate because we haven’t. Eventually, this lack of purpose leads us to conclude that we just aren’t special enough to have a purpose—a thought pattern that, naturally enough, can set off depression, self-doubt, and apathy.

It's Not "Out There"

The good news is that your life’s purpose isn’t some mysterious duty hovering out in the quantum field somewhere that you can’t find. The process of finding purpose isn’t “out there” at all. It’s inside you, aligned with your core values and disguised as the thing (or things) that you really, really want and the things you really really love.

When I mention this to people seeking a clear purpose, they often say things like, “But I don’t know what I want in life.” Or, “All I know is what I don’t want in life.” (Both these statements, which often reflect a lack of sense of direction, are usually linked to our family system which tells us what we should and shouldn’t want. For example, mom says we should get a college education and not a blue-collar job. Or dad says we should want a great apartment in the city, not a cabin in the woods.)

But you don’t have to couch this question in huge terms like “What do you want in life?” What do you want now? What do you love now? As you take these practical steps forward, perhaps you’re a person who loves to cook and eat good Mexican food. This doesn’t sound like a true calling at first. But think about it. When people discover their innate abilities and love something, they’re passionate about it in a powerful way. They’re good at it and want to share what they love with others. Maybe you make the best empanadas anybody’s ever eaten. Word spreads and you start cooking extras for friends. Somebody tells you about an old food truck they know is for sale. Next thing you know you’re in business and living a happy life.

For decades, if not centuries, chicken was just chicken until people learned how to fry it. And then, in 1930, along came Colonel Harland Sanders who began cooking fried chicken for customers pulling in at his service station in Corbin, Kentucky. One of the greatest role models in economic success, his years of culinary dabbling later produced his famous “secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.” By the time he sold Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1964, he had franchised over 600 outlets.

Deeper & Deeper

If the whole idea of thinking about finding a life purpose makes your head hurt, start out slow.

Level One:

Ask yourself what you love. Maybe it’s fitness and rollerblading. Maybe it’s video games. Ask yourself:

1) Is there a way I can turn my passion into a business? Maybe start a fitness rollerblading class? Start modding games online for free, building up a portfolio that might get me a programming job someday?

2) Do I love ___x___ enough to focus on it for years? How much does it light me up?

3) Can I see a path where if I start doing this one thing that I love, other opportunities might follow?

Level Two:

As a first step in this powerful process, if you’re comfortable doing so, ask yourself: “If I were allowed to have my life exactly the way I want it, what would that look like?”

  • Describe your living situation and set of goals. Where do you live? What is the environment that makes you feel comfortable and brings true joy? What does your important work make you feel like? Does it involve other people? Is it creative? Is travel involved? How much money are you making?

  • Write down the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about these new ways of living. Consider creating a vision board to help visualize these goals.

  • If limiting family patterns show up—if you start hearing voices in your head saying things like “Working with your hands is demeaning,” or “Starting your own business is too dangerous,” write those limiting thoughts down. Remember, these thoughts are keeping you in your comfort zone.

  • Realize these are old family limits that you’re here to go beyond in a positive way! This is your next step toward a purposeful life.

Level Three:

Now you’re ready to explore your meaning of life with greater clarity. (If you want!) Keeping everything I’ve just said in mind, does “Find your purpose” now seem a little less scary? Do you have a new view of what “purpose” is? Let’s explore these following questions to gain a stronger sense of purpose:

  1. What thoughts, feelings, and actions pop up for me when I ask the question, “What is my purpose?” Consider how you might create a positive impact in the world.

  2. Take these simple steps and write them all down.

  3. Are many of the things that show up related to family patterns? Who else in your family system shares similar meaningful goals? Is it limiting or liberating?

  4. Is there something deeper and more personal arising? Are you getting the sense of a particular cause calling to you? Like “I feel a desire to help animals heal.” Or “I feel something inside me aching to be voiced.” Is it a creative prompt? To write? To make music? To paint? A pull to politics and activism?

The Secret Sauce

When you are investing in things or moving in directions that make you happy, this will grow you. As a result of personal growth and expansion, you will be more enthusiastic, engaged, and generous to those around you. 

Your expression of purpose may not be Earth shattering or huge, but if it springs from your heart and gut—from that place deep inside—your authentic self will emerge in the process of doing. And taking responsibility for growing into the most expanded version of yourself possible is a gift of inspiration to all those around you. It is also an adventure you may never have seen coming, filled with so much more than you imagined. 

And if there’s a family or social or religious pattern in you showing up right now whispering something like, “Isn’t it selfish to just do things that make me happy?” The answer is “No. It isn’t selfish. It’s highly philanthropic.” Because the bigger and happier you get, the more your happiness, generosity and excitement flow to others. You’re inspiring them to go for their dreams. In this way, the smallest happy-making endeavor on your part—making healthy organic dog treats for your own and others’ pets—becomes a genuine calling or big purpose that changes not just your own life, but the lives of others. In other words, finding your own happiness serves the world. And that is a great and much-needed purpose if I ever heard of one!

If you talk to any well-renowned specialist in their field, people who have gone the extra distance and accomplished remarkable things, if you ask them how they got started and what their initial motivation was, invariably they will tell you they were excited about something. An idea, a personal desire, a question grabbed and intrigued them. And the pursuit of answers made them happy. And then … their pursuit got bigger and their curiosity and excitement magnetized and helped others. They started making a difference in the lives of others. But the first truth was they pursued something that helped them to grow and feel fulfilled. And the more they expanded their personal pursuit, the more the benefits accrued and radiated outwards.

Still Blocked?

If you’ve read this far and still feel panicked around the whole “purpose” conversation, it is time to explore what is stopping you from focusing on doing something you really want and enjoy. 

  • When I ask “What is your purpose?” notice your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Write them down.
  • Are you allowed to have a purpose? If not, who said you couldn’t? 
  • Ask yourself whose purpose you have been living up until now?
  • Who would you be if you set down their purpose and invested in your own?
  • Do you understand that finding your own purpose serves the world?

From the lowliest to the most elevated positions in life, every single person has a purpose and can change their circumstances, but only when they choose to do so. Purpose is the antidote to being stuck or entangled in limiting family patterns. It contains the wings you are looking for. 

Explore your purpose and you will find the magic sitting in your own hands. It was right there all along, just waiting for you to see it. 

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

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How to Manifest Your Dreams Into Reality – Taking Your Emotional DNA to the Next Level 

how to manifest your dreams into reality

How to Manifest Your Dreams Into Reality - Taking Your Emotional DNA to the Next Level 

The Transformative Power of the Goal Setting Mind

I want you to write down your deepest desires – the dream you most want to see happen in your life. The one that maybe people think is crazy, but ignites your positive energy every time you think about it. Whether it’s your dream career or something else entirely, it may be small or humongous, but that doesn’t matter. It is yours and it really gets you pumped up toward your life of your dreams.

Now, let’s examine the anatomy of that dream through the power of visualization. What do you tell yourself about it? Do your positive thoughts tell you that you can do it? Do you spend your time planning how to make it come true? Or do you sit around thinking how it’s a nice idea, but your limiting beliefs are holding you back? Or maybe you have thoughts like, ‘I don’t have enough money or time to make it happen.’ Or maybe there’s a voice in your head saying things like, ‘Dreaming is for fools.’

Now that you have identified the voices in your subconscious mind, ask yourself where those thoughts came from. Who taught you that dreaming gets you where you want to go? Who taught you dreaming isn’t a smart idea? Do you notice the strong, positive outcomes supporting you in life? And if you’ve inherited not-so-positive family patterns and emotional DNA, are you aware of the strongly discouraging patterns? And if you are aware, did you know that the dreamer of dreams and the doer of dreams are separated by only one thing? And that one thing is taking inspired action?

I promise that if you start dreaming and doing—even taking small steps in the direction of your dream—you are going to start being the hero in your life instead of the onlooker. Don’t you know, the people who achieve their full potential and accomplish way more than the average person, started out as an average person just like you. The only difference is they went past emotional DNA patterns and invested in themselves. So, what does that look like?

Dreams of Adventure

I recently spoke to an elderly couple whose positive mindset keeps them traveling. It makes them feel alive and rejuvenated when they’re seeing new places and people. But they aren’t rich and travel is expensive. Every year they depend on building up a certain number of mileage points with a particular airline to qualify for companion tickets so they can fly two for the price of one. Near the end of the year, they were some points short of being able to qualify for a roundtrip companion ticket to China, which is where their greatest desires were leading them next. But they didn’t let this stop them.

They decided to create a couple domestic mini-adventure trips to visit family and friends—people they could stay with at low cost—to secure those points. Through hard work and determination, they not only secured the travel points needed for the flight to China, they got to see loved ones in the process. And their positive attitude helped them score enough points to travel two-for-one the whole year!

Now, many people would have approached this situation with negative thoughts, thinking it was too much effort to figure out how to get what they wanted—a common killer of adventures. However, this couple maintained such clear intentions and focused on their real life oriental adventure that they did what was required to secure what they wanted. When they got the notification from the airlines, not only were they a little awed at their own determination and accomplishment, so were their friends. (Did you know that studies show that awe is a health-inducing emotion? It’s true! The more we create positive experiences, the more we open our hearts and the healthier we become.)

This is highest level human functioning in action. By dreaming and then doing, not only are we creating a healthy mental health foundation, we’re activating the power of our thoughts to beam the light of possibility outwards to others, opening the door to change and growth for them as well. Everybody wins!

Making a Dream a Reality

Every single thing that you see in the world started with an idea that became a reality because someone used the power of manifestation to take it all the way. There is a very exciting world waiting for you to wake up and discover the possibilities. So, here we go with the necessary steps:

  1.  Identify and choose your dream or goal. In other words, it isn’t enough to simply identify it, you have to actively choose it with clear vision. You have to say “Yes!” to it.
  2.  Remember, it has to be big enough to make you stretch. Dreams are about expanding your capabilities and experiences, not maintaining them.
  3.  Trash your negative emotions. Yes, I’ve heard them all: Your parents are narcissistic. The people around you are mean. Your boss will never let you off work. You don’t have the money. You don’t know what you want. What if your dream doesn’t come true? Etcetera. Write all the excuses down and then throw them in the garbage, saying “Bye bye! Thanks for showing up. But I’m not listening to you anymore!”
  4.  Write down your dream and put it somewhere that only you can see it as part of your manifestation journey. (If you start to share your dream before you’re well on your way to making it happen, you may find that you lose interest thanks to the negative input of others.)
  5.  Commit to your dream or goal. This is something you don’t give up on. (Yes, I know there are times where one should give up, but mostly, you should not.) Some dreams may take longer than others, and that’s okay. Just be aware that the more elevated emotions you put into your dream—emotions like excitement, enthusiasm, and love—the more you are going to be willing to focus on the ideas and manifestation techniques that will get you there.
  6.  Don’t judge the size of the steps you take. Some steps will be big, and some will be small. As the Disney character Anna says in the film Frozen II: “I just have to do the next good thing.”
  7.  Be positively obsessed with your dream. In other words, love it with all your head, heart, and gut.
  8.  Feed it constantly by thinking about it. Fire up your imagination and see your future self doing what you dream of doing, smiling about it. This is partly how you fund it.
  9.  Put money aside. When a bonus comes in, dedicate at least half to your dream. (This is the other way you fund it!)
  10.  Don’t forget you are creating a different reality—something larger than your current reality.
  11.  Acknowledge your success at every step. All too often we brush our successes aside and rush to the next step. We fail to acknowledge the hero that got us to that first step along the right path, namely ourselves.
  12.  Harvest the lessons and the strengths you’ve gained. In other words, when you fulfill a dream, take time to notice and absorb how that feels. Write down what you’ve learned. Acknowledge the new you. Then use that to fuel the next dream.

Pro Tips:

  1.  If you can be of service to others, you will often find they reciprocate with good things that help you get closer to your dream.
  2. Sometimes smaller steps will unexpectedly lead to larger results and visa-versa.
  3. Once you have achieved your first dream, be very aware of what you said, felt, and did that was helpful in achieving your dream. This is a higher version of you and your emotional DNA. With positive self-talk and practice, not only will you achieve your dreams, but you will elevate yourself as a real-life hero in your own dream life.
  4. DO NOT stop creating dreams to achieve. You were born to grow, not to slow.

With each dream, as odd as it seems, know this: You are waking up. Through the manifestation process, you are activating your frontal cortex, opening your heart, and activating your inner compass, which is your gut. You are teaching yourself to live in harmony on this planet as a much higher being. The power of positive thinking has elevated your emotional DNA—which is something incredible to pass on as a legacy!

And finally, I cannot tell you enough how capable you are. I literally cannot. But you have to begin telling yourself that through positive beliefs and then concretize the reality by following your action plan, creating the steps that will take you to your wildest dreams and beyond. The world needs doers right now. If not now, then when?

It doesn’t matter if you’re one of our bright young people or if you’re approaching old age, your contribution—whatever it might be—matters. Everything you do makes a difference one way (improving conditions) or another (not improving conditions). Which do you choose? Remember, you are far more influential than you suspect. The magic happens when you become aware of that, and you engage with and commit to making a difference consciously.

For almost two decades, Judy has been assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, organizational teams and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance.

The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, Judy is passionate about visionary leadership and inspiring positive, accelerated individual and global change. For more information click here. 


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Changing Family Patterns: Being a change agent. If not you, then who?

changing family patterns

Changing Family Patterns: Being a change agent. If not you, then who?

In recent years, the definition of family has undergone some of the most significant changes in history. As we navigate this post-modern world, family life continues to evolve, presenting both challenges and opportunities for transformation. If you’re facing inherited patterns that limit your potential, you might wonder: who will be the catalyst for change in your family structure changes?

Family systems create patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions. In other words, emotional DNA. While some inherit patterns that lead to financial security and success, others struggle with cycles that have caused previous generations to suffer and fail. 

If you’re in the latter situation and feel stuck, thinking “Why me?” wondering who might rescue you, the simple (but often not easily accepted) answer is you. It is you who are actually there to get your family members unstuck from these patterns.

I know that sounds a little overwhelming, but a major change has to start somewhere. And if you’re facing a situation like this—whether the family pattern you’re wrestling with is money issues or intimate relationships or addiction issues or health issues, whatever—if you’re dreaming of a different life beyond these social pressures, then it’s you who are up to bat.

If not you, then who? Who will be the change agent? Are you going to go for it? Or leave it to your children to inherit and deal with an unhappy marriage or other challenges? And why shouldn’t you be the one to reap the rewards?

Making a difference

This is not about sacrifice and burden. Moving in the direction of your dreams and desires is what I’m talking about here – these recent changes that hold such high value for your future. And surely that’s enticing? The bonus is, once you start growing, the evolution of your entire family system is automatic. Any expansion on your part changes your emotional DNA—the thoughts, feelings, emotions and impulses that guide and sustain you, as well as the emotional DNA of those who came before you and those who will come after you in our modern society. In other words, when you change, others in your system change.

Here’s an example. I had a client who was alienated from her twin sister who was a highly successful CEO- a testament to the evolving role of women and educational attainment in our time. Both women today had achieved higher income levels, yet they had been fiercely competitive and pitted against each other by their parents all their lives. Even though their parents were long since deceased, the competition and animosity between them continued to keep them apart. But when my client finally saw the pattern and realized it was neither her fault nor her sister’s, before she could contact her sister to try to start building a new relationship, her sister reached out to her.

“It was the strangest thing,” she said. “I’d just had that breakthrough with you and determined to reach out to Gail over the following weekend. And 24 hours later she made one of those life-changing phone calls, crying, saying she had suddenly realized how stupid and awful our arguments were and not either one of our faults. She said she loved me and wanted to be closer. It was just what I’d been going to say to her!”

Quantum realities

This sounds really incredible and inexplicable until we begin to understand what modern science has been telling us about the nature of our world and how connected everything and everyone is. Over a time period spanning the twentieth century, Albert Einstein came along and taught that matter is actually energy. (E = mc2) Then quantum physicists, taking a closer look at our universe, studying “particles” that are really non-physical energy packets, discovered something called quantum entanglement. For example, experiments have proven that when two electrons come in contact with each other, their spin states become linked. In other words, for the rest of time, no matter how far apart these two electrons travel (even lightyears apart!), the actions of one electron instantaneously affect the other.

Labeled “spooky action at a distance,” by Einstein, entanglement is one explanation for how social groups change—and the people in them—when one member of the system makes a shift. We’ve seen a dramatic increase in understanding how social attitudes shift through this same principle. It may be subtle and not readily noticeable on the outside, but it does happen. Another possibility is the scientific theory that the universe is actually a gigantic hologram. 

One of the strangest characteristics of a hologram is that one pixel taken from a holographic image contains the entire image. Which is scientific evidence that the ancient mystical teaching that “the many is contained in the One” is true. Which means, it’s totally possible that in any given system, including a family system, all the information held by one member of the system is automatically available to other family members. And when one person changes, so does everything and everybody else in the system hologram.

Which is why it’s really sad that fewer people step up, sitting around, waiting for someone else in the family to be the change agent and show the way. If we don’t step up, not only do we miss out on a great adventure; not only do we miss out on living the life we’ve always dreamed of, unhindered by old social attitudes and limiting patterns. We miss out on helping others.

Sensing the fire within

Bottomline, we were not put on this Earth to suffer and play small. We were put here to seize the moment and make a difference–whether that’s advancing the position of women or pursuing romantic love. And it all begins with sensing the fire within that is our unique self and part of our unique nervous system. So, what do I mean by that? 

Think about a time when you really wanted to do something, like young adults seeking new homes and independence. When you were on the verge of taking a big, important step. You could feel the thrill and excitement couldn’t you? You could imagine the outcome and it filled your whole body with joy and anticipation. You might have had tears or goosebumps—always great indicators that you’re on the right track for you. But then what happened? 

Did old family patterns kick in? Did inner voices of doubt suddenly get very loud? Did they squash the creativity right out of you? To be the change agent you must move beyond all the excuses and really good reasons to stay where you are. It begins with sensing and following the fire within. So, how do you do that?

Step 1

If you don’t already know what your passion is, there are many ways to stir up inspiration – whether it’s pursuing a bachelor’s degree or challenging gender roles. Watch an inspiring movie, listen to a motivational speaker, dance to a stirring song. Find anything that makes you go, “Wow!” and groove with it. Imagine it’s you up on that stage, singing that song. Or you being the hero in that movie, saving the day. Imagination and inspiration are closer than you know. Both stimulate the higher emotions that open the door for change.

Step 2

Zero in on what gets you excited. It may be an injustice that you want to right. A difference you want to make. A joy you want to experience. An accomplishment you want to achieve. You will know it because it will inspire and excite you like nothing else. And then, instead of wishing, make it so. How?

Step 3

There’s a line from the recent Disney film Frozen 2 that’s applicable here, and I’m going to paraphrase it. The main character, Anna, finds herself all alone, abandoned and very frightened. Like many young women seeking their path, she reminds herself of something that her father taught her. And that is: All you need to do is the next right thing. That simple reminder puts her back in touch with who she is and what is possible and keeps her moving forward. She finds the fire within and moves in that direction.

So, once you’ve found your fire and passion, whether it’s pursuing a college education or another dream, the most important thing is to simply do the next right thing that will bring you closer to that goal. And it doesn’t matter how big or small that step is. You may not have the clearest goal right now, but that’s okay. Because all you really need to know is what is the next right thing that needs to happen to take you closer to your goal.

 Step 4

Once you find your fire and passion, you’ll have a greater likelihood of success if you commit to it with no excuses, but rather a sense of purpose, excitement, determination, and a clarity that says whatever it is you’ve chosen, it will happen. And if you waver, ask yourself “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

No more waiting

We are all yearning for a better world. If you turn around and look in the mirror, you will see the person standing in the wings, ready to help make this happen. And, if you think this couldn’t possibly be you, please look around. Notice everything around you. All the things you use in your home. 

Evey single one of those things began as a thought in somebody’s mind. They didn’t just wait for someone else to invent what they were thinking of, they did it themselves. This is how individual, family systems, community systems, and global systems grow. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re one of our bright young people or if you’re approaching old age, your contribution—whatever it might be—matters. Everything you do makes a difference one way (improving conditions) or another (not improving conditions). Which do you choose? Remember, you are far more influential than you suspect. The magic happens when you become aware of that, and you engage with and commit to making a difference consciously.

For almost two decades, Judy has been assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, organizational teams and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance.

The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, Judy is passionate about visionary leadership and inspiring positive, accelerated individual and global change. For more information click here.