The Real Meaning Behind Difficult Events

Difficult events in your life aren’t train smashes or limiters, they’re portals, clues and pivot points!

As I write this blog, I am struck yet again by the numbers of people I hear say: “My life will never be the same again” or “I will always carry this with me.” Yes, that’s true—but it’s how you carry things with you, or how your life changes that matters.

We break a bone, it heals. There’s a scar and that bone will literally never be the same again. We are scarred for life but in a way that often strengthens that bone. Yet something happens to us emotionally, or even physically, and we label it as terrible and then suffer greatly, sometimes forever. Why?

The simple answer is that often we are looking through the lens of what we are told we should think and feel. It’s a multi-generational meta-pattern, but when we look through a systemic lens at patterns resting and emerging our perspective can change completely. We might ask:

  • Did anything like this happen to anyone else in my family?
  • If there is a pattern, is it one that’s trying to stop? Or is it a new one trying to emerge?
  • What is the hidden strength or information here? (And there is always both.)

Ever noticed how a heavy event cripples one person and launches the career of another? You can see that beautifully depicted in the film Saving Mr Banks. One thrives and the other crumbles. Why?

Systemic patterns are clues to what’s operating in our systems. Events create reactions which generate decisions, thoughts, emotions, language, actions, patterns and mindsets. Sound familiar? Here’s the kicker though, you get to decide how you will carry that scar. A scar, by the way, is simply a mark that shows an experience.

If you choose to suffer, it is a result of what you are making the event mean – or what generations of family or organizational members have made it mean. But if you choose to use it to thrive, something remarkable happens. The portal opens to a destiny. You use it as a pivot point and often your purpose is revealed. A new pattern can now emerge, and you are ready to write a remarkable chapter.

We are really good at suffering greatly, but do you dare to succeed incredibly? 

Today you get to look at a scar that limits you and see if you can find the systemic portal or pivot point from struggle to success.

Remember your systems are your gifts, not your curse. Your families, professions, groups are all designed to support you, once you know how to look. If you are ready to allow yourself to shift, scroll down to my freebie exercise, using a constellation, ofcourse, to look, feel and choose your shift.

Putting It Into Practice: Portals, clues and pivot points

Now for the constellations piece. We are, as usual, going to engage multiple sense and make the unconscious, conscious and the invisible, visible. Get yourself several pieces of paper that you can write on, a marker and a pen. Find yourself some floor space and take a few good breaths just to focus.

Today I want you to write down an event that you have never forgotten, something that may have felt like it scarred you, limits you and you carry that with you. Next, I want you to write down 2 things you tell yourself about that. Each on a separate piece of paper. Then write down 2 ways in which it limits you also each on a separate piece of paper. Place them on the floor in relationship to each other as it feels for you. Take that event you wrote down and place it in relationship to the other pieces of paper.

  • Stand on each piece of paper and notice what you feel or tell yourself.
  • Did anyone in your family ever experience a similar event or set of feelings?
  • Do you see a pattern and does this belong to you or is this a multigenerational event that you need to set down?
  • Do you see this as a limiter or something that makes you sad?
  • What meaning have you given this and how does it serve you?

Now ask yourself:

  • How might you turn this ‘scar’ into a strength?
  • How might your insights and pivot serve you and others?
  • How might this give you success and purpose?
  • For what do you owe this event thanks?
  • What one word or sentence might you use that writes a new chapter for you and your systems?


  • Take that word or sentence and place it in relationship to the other pieces of paper and stand on that until you feel something shift for you.

Now you are rewiring the meaning you originally gave that event and if you do this fully and allow yourself to shift, your life is going to change!

Please feel free to contact me and tell me how this worked for you! Or attend one of my workshops where we will deep dive into systemic work and constellations. And sign-up for my newsletter to stay in touch.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *