Category: Blog

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Rewiring Personal Relationships: From Bad to Good and Good to Great

Rewiring Personal Relationships: From Bad to Good and Good to Great

As you know, your family system is your primary pattern maker and the foundation of all your relationships, good, bad and ugly. Some family patterns are truly delightful. Other family patterns feel entangled and difficult. For example, perhaps you picked up your parents’ ability to set others at their ease as a child. On the other hand, perhaps you picked up their excessive worry about money and penny-pinch every transaction with family and friends, making everyone you come into contact with uncomfortable around finances. 

If you look at the ways you relate to those around you and compare them to the ways that your parents and grandparents relate to those around them, you will begin to recognize familiar patterns. The thing to discern is whether or not the patterns you’re repeating in relationships are healthy and helpful or not. Good relationships enable you to take your place in the world and soar. On the other hand, difficult relationships can drag you down if you don’t stop and take the time to discern the unhealthy patterns in play and consciously work to rewire those patterns from what is to what is possible. 

Mastering relationships opens up the world for you. And one of the keys to mastering relationships is to be curious about how you are showing up in your current relationship dynamics with others. Are you supportive? Fun to be with? Critical? Kind of a drag? Try your best to be impartial and not go into self-judgment as you consider your relationships. Curiosity and willingness to shift your interactions with people, as needed, invites exploration and understanding, which often leads to firmer more lasting relationships both personally and in business.

Think about your most difficult relationship. Do you feel big or small in that relationship? How does this relationship affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions? Do you find yourself thinking unpleasant thoughts about that person? About yourself? Do you feel angry around them? Impatient? Insecure? Do you find yourself crossing to the other side of the street when you see them? (Or wanting to!) 

Stop and consider what family pattern you might be playing out with that person. For example, at one of my events, one of the attendees said she wanted an intimate relationship with a man, but hadn’t been able to establish the kind of relationship she wanted. As I worked with her, it became apparent she had a judgement that “All men are stupid.” Given that assumption, it wasn’t surprising that she was struggling to create a happy relationship! 

I asked where that assumption had come from, and she launched into a story about how her

grandfather had lost his wife’s family fortune. “Grandma always said, ‘Never trust a man with your money child! They just don’t have the smarts to manage things.’ And I believed her.”

Once she realized the judgmental pattern she was reliving and consciously let it go, she suddenly found herself relating differently to men. Much to her surprise and delight, many of them seemed  wonderfully smart and attractive. As soon as she changed her perspective, a whole new world of possibilities opened up.

The same kind of amazing relationship shift can happen for you if you commit to  it!

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How to Level-Up Your Career in 2023

How to Level-Up Your Career in 2023

Wherever you are in your career right now, chances are you’re already looking for what comes next. But to build a successful career you must nurture it in much the same way you would a child. Children grow and careers need to do the same. They need constant attention and evaluation. It also helps to explore your career choice(s) through a multigenerational lens.

Our career choices are often the result of an event, a calling, or inspiration. But it can also be the result of unconscious patterns/programs we picked up from our family system. The family system has more influence on our lives than anything else. If we were fish, the family system would be the water we swim in. Which means we often don’t have the awareness to look beyond it or avoid repeating its influence

So, if you’re currently trying to level-up, the first insightful piece of work to do is to sit down and think about what sparked your career. Is there a limiting or a liberating pattern behind your career choice? For example, let’s say growing up you heard: “In our family we’re all academics.” Or maybe, “This whole family is blue collar and proud of it!” There’s nothing wrong with being an academic and nothing wrong with working a blue-collar job. But both of these sentences set a limiting pattern in motion that can result in you unconsciously limiting your career choices.

And if you think hearing “We are a family of entrepreneurs” opens the door to more possibilities than the two sentences above, you’re right. It does—to a degree. But what if you yearn to be a librarian? Or work in marketing? Not so much. If you grew up hearing “We just want our children to be happy. It doesn’t matter what they choose to do,” lucky you!

Another thing to do is ask yourself “What do I tell myself about my career?” Do you have thoughts like “I wish I were doing something else.” Or “This feels like a dead-end road I’m on.” What do you make this mean about you and about others?  Does anybody else in your family have similar thoughts? Also reflect on whether you’re proactive in your life or not. It makes a huge difference! If you want to level up, you’ve got to take charge of your life. You can’t afford to sit around passively accepting a dead-end career path that’s not for you!

But being passive and proactive are also patterns we pick up from our family system. When did that pattern begin for you?  What was happening in your life at the time?  Who else in your family is an active go-getter? Who is passive? Who has hopelessly accepted their fate?

Now for the good news. You are NOT limited by your history! Leveling up means moving past family patterns and programs. It means not settling for a career you don’t enjoy. It means actively engaging in an adventure to find out what YOU want and what suits you. And that journey begins with allowing yourself to imagine what it is that you REALLY want. 

Don’t censor your thoughts and feelings. Just be willing to look. And if you’re struggling with that first step, ask yourself, “Am I even allowed to have wants and desires of my own?”  (Is there a pattern of self-denial and guilt or fear in your family?) Once you get in touch with your desire(s), ask yourself, “What might happen if I invested in these wants and desires?” Imagine yourself soaring into a whole new life of your own design.

Desire is the gateway to a new experience. Until we imagine new possibilities they can’t exist. This isn’t just leveling up. It’s transformation. And it’s okay to do that! (Listen out for that little voice that tells you that you can’t have this or don’t deserve it. That’s just another thought pattern!

Come join me at one of my live events where you’ll have the opportunity to experience personal breakthroughs that are swift and lasting. 

 

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How to Level-Up Your Life in 2023

How to Level-Up Your Life in 2023

Welcome to the start of another year! Are you filled with resolutions to do better? Feel better? Make more money? Find the love of your life? Great! However, realize it’s next to impossible for these things to happen if you continue to think, feel, choose and do the same things you’ve been thinking, feeling, choosing and doing in the past!

It’s January and time to rewire your brain and level-up. So, how do you do that? Well, it’s human nature to change only when we truly want something or desire a particular effect, and guess what? You’ve taken the first step! You want something! You desire something! Maybe you want to lose weight or get fit. Whatever it is, as long as the want is strong enough, movement in that direction is irresistible. 

Unfortunately, most of us are wired to see change in terms of work and effort. (Maybe you learned that from your parents or somebody else in your family line?) But what if you were to look at it differently?  What if you tied change to a reward or a win that really stirred something inside of you? Now we have the makings of an adventure, a desire/dream that has the power to pull us past old limiting patterns forever.

Let’s take finances. Far too many people feel that money is a precarious commodity. There’s never enough. It doesn’t grow on trees. It can’t buy love. Etc. Remember, our thoughts, feelings, and actions around money (and pretty much everything else!) often originate in our family system. We continue the thoughts and speak the pat family sayings and make the same choices as if they were our own. Sound familiar?

Thankfully, a limiting family financial pattern doesn’t have to continue with you. Here’s a great example.

One of the regular attendees at my annual Disney event struggled every year to afford the trip.  She always bunked with someone else to lower the cost of accommodations and stressed about everything else. Last year I worked with her specifically on her money issues before the event.  Unsurprisingly, there was a profound fear in her family system around making ends meet. She learned early in life not to spend money at all just in case. 

The change came when she expressed a desire to have a different experience at the next Disney event. I asked her what one new thought around this desire this would be and she came up with two. “Hey, maybe I could have my own room,” she said, all excited. “And have enough money to enjoy the full Disney experience in the park without constantly worrying about it.”

I asked her to come up with one new feeling around this choice. Excitement was her feeling. Then I asked her what one new action she could take to bring her dream to fruition. “Well,” she said, “I suppose I could bring in a little extra money each month.” I asked her to make a list of ways she could make that happen, which she did with alacrity. Experiencing her new thought and new feeling, this didn’t feel like a chore. It was exhilarating. It wasn’t long before she’d found a part-time side job that brought her exactly the money she needed. That wasn’t really work either. She was too busy feeling excited, counting down the days and adding up the money. A sense of accomplishment grew as she leveled-up.

The cherry on top came when she saw her room. She was the only one at the event with not one, but two balconies and an amazing view. Double reward! This one desire and its outcome put her relationship with money on a whole new track. Suddenly she didn’t fear money. It had become an accessible ally. 

The idea of changing patterns and achieving goals doesn’t always feel easy. However, when you tie them to something concrete and exciting—something you truly desire with all your heart, something fun and inspiring, something deeply, personally satisfying—the journey becomes an adventure. And the rewards are amazing. The long-term effect of rewiring your brain builds the winner effect. It brings happiness, direction, purpose and self-confidence. It shows you who you are capable of being if you invest beyond the shadows of your programs and doubts.

Now, it’s your turn.  What do you desire? What dreams to you want to make your reality this new year? Here are a few tips to help you along.

TIPS:

  • Write down one thing that you would like to accomplish this year. (It must build enough excitement to pull you beyond your resistance.)
  • Remember resistance to change and effort is often tied to old family patterns. (When did you first start feeling this? Who in your family system resists change? Identifying the pattern source helps.) On the other hand, excitement is tied to the new chapter.
  • Make sure your dream/desire is something your brain and body can believe and feel. (When the heart, head, and gut are in alignment, a state of cohesion is achieved and the new desire can become your new truth. So, the desire your brain tells your body is really important.)
  • Leveling-up is not a one-time thing. Let it become a well-cultivated habit. 

Come join me at one of my live events where you’ll have the opportunity to do a deep experiential dive and enjoy swift and lasting breakthroughs and transformation. Check out upcoming events and products.

 

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Did You Hero or Zero Yourself This Year?

Did You Hero or Zero Yourself This Year?

I have a question for you.  How often do you take the time to notice and congratulate yourself on something you did right? 

Not very often? Never? It’s unfortunate, but most people are very quick to turn to their inner critic and beat themselves up over what they didn’t do well. At the same time, most of us are very slow to notice the things we actually accomplished and got right.

We’ve been raised to focus on and fix what’s wrong with us. But focusing on the wrongs all the time builds a platform of self-defeat that is rickety at best. Constant criticism won’t make you happy, and it won’t support your growth.

Inspiring personal evolution and supporting one’s dreams is like trying to grow a houseplant. Just like any other living thing, people need a little sunshine, pixie dust, and validation to thrive. They need to be noticed and approved of when they succeed—just like giving a houseplant water to grow. 

Coming to the end of the year, now is a good time to sit down and notice what you got right this year. For example, what one new thought, feeling or action did you have around relationships, money or career that grew you? Take the time to think about it and make a list. Seriously. Recognizing and acknowledging your growth provides you with fuel to go out and do the same thing again next year. 

And your dreams don’t have to be gigantic. The breakthroughs needn’t be enormous. They just need to be important to you. So, where have you stretched yourself in order to move in the direction you wanted to go this year? Teaching yourself to recognize growth trains you to get excited about YOU. It stimulates your brain, heart and gut to move towards creating the hero in you. 

Again, it doesn’t matter how big or how small your accomplishments were. Where did you take the time to show up as the best you possible? 

Write down your moments of accomplishment in the comments section below. We’d love to hear about some of your proudest moments this year! And next year, focus on making yourself a hero!

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Using the Holidays to Create Your Own Miracles

Using the Holidays to Create Your Own Miracles

The holidays, it seems, are the most perfect times for limiting family patterns to come marching in the door. They seem almost purposefully designed to elicit our deepest insecurities and most disproportionate emotional reactions to things.

Somebody is going to mess up the turkey. Somebody else is going to drink too much and say the wrong thing. Children will scream and cry. Aunt Mary will complain loudly about undisciplined children. Mom will tell us how we got it wrong. And the inevitable green bean casserole is going to sit untouched in the middle of the table, insulting somebody’s valiant culinary efforts.

In my family it was the same thing every year, with people trying to cram too much food into full stomachs, which always led to short tempers and unpleasant blowups after dinner. Then, about five years ago my mother wondered what might happen if we ate Thanksgiving dinner without dessert – which almost caused a riot until she finished her thought, which was that we could keep dessert for later and eat it along with leftovers. 

What a concept! That one new thought led to fewer tummy aches and a lot more pleasantness in the family. And then there was the joy of eating dessert later on when we really were hungry for it! 

One small change, one big dividend.

So, what patterns do you find yourself struggling with over the holidays? Now is a great time to create a new pattern. All it takes is one new thought, one new feeling, and one new action. Good places to look are where you feel the most stressed during the holidays. Ask yourself how it could be and make a suggestion!

And please, drop us a line to let us know what new pattern you started this holiday season. The more you share, the more we all grow! (link to share comments)

Looking for gift ideas?  Give the gift of inspiration and transformation this year.

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To Whom Do I Owe Thanks?

To Whom Do I Owe Thanks?

As we approach the holiday season, it’s time to thank those who have supported us in life and contributed to our success.  All the nice people who’ve given us compliments, propped us up when we were sad, and given us encouragement when we wanted to quit. 

Those are the easy ones to thank. But what about others? People who’ve contributed significantly to our lives by saying “No,” and shutting a door?  What about parents who did not “see” us or encourage us much?  What about parents who weren’t even there at all?

These people are a little more difficult to thank. And yet these kinds of people often contribute more to our lives than we can imagine.

A client, “Rebecca,” came to a constellations event determined to somehow find peace with a father who had abandoned his family when she was tiny.  Her opening words to the group were, “I’m a very successful woman, no thanks to that jerk, my father.” 

Not a promising beginning. Right? But we went ahead and set up a constellation with representatives for assorted members of her family, including her father and stepfather. 

As she stood there, looking at the representatives in her constellation, Rebecca’s knees were locked, and her jaw was tight, her anger palpable. Then, to her surprise, the representative for her stepfather moved over to stand in front of the representative for her father. Her surprise deepened when the representative for her stepfather gave thanks to her father. “Without you leaving,” he said, “I would never have had the opportunity to raise a child.” 

Rebecca found herself oddly touched, but the next sentence took her breath away. The representative for her father responded, “I wasn’t old enough to be a father. I couldn’t have given her what she needed.” 

Rebecca burst into tears. “I never thought of it that way,” she said. “My biological father hasn’t done well in his life.  Now I realize that had we had stayed with him, I wouldn’t have had the life I do now.”  Turning to the representative for her father, Rebecca said, “Thank you for giving me a very different chance at life. I am grateful.”

Needless to say, this reframing gave Rebecca a very different attitude towards her life and family!

All too often, we forget that our parents and others around us are on a journey of their own.  They’re not just parents, or friends, or teachers. They’re individuals. It’s also super important to realize that sometimes when a door closes, an entirely different possibility is asking to emerge in your life. It may not have a pretty bow or look like you wanted, but it will have the gold you need to create an incredible chapter in your life.

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Make the Holidays Magical Not Tragical

Make the Holidays Magical Not Tragical

Sometimes it can be a little difficult to find that ignition point for transformation. But when you are in the heart of magic it becomes a whole lot easier. Imagine being in a place specifically designed to inspire and illicit the best of who we are. Imagine the inner magic you can make happen there!

Kids naturally live the “wow” factor everyday. All of life is their playground. But most of us adults need a little help to get there. Disney World is specifically geared to open your eyes to wonder and put you in touch with an open heart once again.

“Uncle Walt” was well aware that transformation is entirely possible through openness, enjoyment and belief in self. He built an entire world around those principles. And look at his success!

So come work and play amidst “wow!” Let it ignite a fire in you as it invites you to drop your guard and experience transformation through joy. 

During the day, we will go deep to uncover the inner capability and resilience that belong to only you. With an open heart and mind and a little “pixie dust,” the incredible will happen for you. 

In the evenings, you are invited to be kid at heart again and open up to what’s possible through play at the parks.

Be the master magician of your own adventure and discover what happens when you put down resistance and explore Capability and Resilience DNA.

Join us at our Disney World event at The Beach and Yacht Club November 10-13! By the end of this event your life will no longer be the same. 

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Join Us for Transformation in the Heart of Magic

Join Us for Transformation in the Heart of Magic

It can be a little difficult sometimes to find the ignition point for transformation, especially when you’re caught in the day-to-day grind and staying in your normal environment. It’s hard to imagine something amazing and brand new for yourself when everything around you is the same ho-hum thing. But catapult yourself into the heart of magic? Surround yourself with color and fun? Surround yourself with a sense of “wow” and possibility? Transformation suddenly becomes inevitable.

When you’re staying in a place specifically designed to inspire and facilitate shift, the best of who you are cannot help but emerge. With so much energy and enthusiasm around you, the impossible suddenly becomes totally possible.

I’ve long understood that Disney World is specifically geared to put adults back in touch with childhood when they lived with an unguarded heart, an open mind and a sense of excitement about life. What many people don’t realize is that it’s also designed to resonate with the “biggest” version of you. It’s no accident that the appeal is to the heart of both children and adults when magic is welcomed.

The wow factor is unmistakable, the light-heartedness is contagious, the permission to “be” is welcomed.  And this ignites the fire in you, even as it invites you to drop your guard and experience the possibility of transformation through joy. 

During our day sessions, we will go deep and uncover the capability and resilience that belongs to only you—the capability and resilience that form the firm foundation of creativity and that hold the door open for transformation to happen.

In the evenings, you are invited to be a kid at heart and notice what happens when you say “Yes” to the remarkable and fully invest yourself in creating the life you want to lead … just like Walt Disney himself did.

The original mastermind creator of the park was well aware that transformation is entirely possible when openness and enjoyment are the primary energies. He knew these energies were direct conduits to a heightened belief in self, and that coming from a secure sense of self was the foundation of all creation. He built entire kingdoms around that understanding and shared the energy of joy with the whole world. He spread excitement and imagination around like pixie dust!

So, come and discover your joy and new possibilities this November. Come and discover your amazing Capability and Resilience DNA. Come and learn to be the master magician of your own life adventure and discover what happens when you put down resistance and explore possibility instead. By the end of this event, you will have wired-in at least one new thought, one new feeling and one new action.  And when that happens, your life will no longer be the same!

Come, join us at our Disney World event at The Beach and Yacht Club this November in Orlando, and watch the magic unfold.

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Gearing Up for Capability and Resilience DNA at Disney World

Gearing Up for Capability & Resilience DNA at Disney World

Many people ask me, “Why do you hold major events at Disney World? Does the place really lend itself to deep inner work? Isn’t it just a commercial playground made for kids?” 

My answer is always the same: Disney World is only commercial for those who see it through a superficial lens. When you are working in the heart of magic your own sense of possibility is activated. When you consider the level of imagination and accomplishment the place exudes; the attention paid to detail; the focus on relationships, fun, and finding and celebrating the hero in everyone; when you get involved in the celebration of adventure, you understand very quickly that Disney World is not just for kids. It’s a gateway for imagination, creativity and a whole new life for yourself.

Of course, the place appeals to kids because they still have open hearts and minds—a state in which creating the incredible is inevitable. Which is what most of us adults are looking for!

Creating and manifesting begins with elevated emotions, commitment, and a belief in something bigger than our current reality. So, what better place could you possibly go to ignite such an important transformational journey? How much more motivating could a place be? And for those of you who are scientifically minded, what better environment could there be for rewiring your brain and changing limiting cycles?

The energies surrounding every event are those of awe, wonder, invitation and possibility. Coming into our event space in that state of mind enables people to put down resistance and more willingly embrace an exploration and expansion of their current reality. 

If you are ready to move your life to the next level, this year’s event has never been more important. Building Capability and Resilience DNA lays the foundation for creativity and all levels of transformation. Staying a few days and exploring your inner world in such rich surroundings can take you far beyond your limitations into a world of fulfillment, happiness and purpose. There, you will find that you are, indeed, the captain of your own ship and the creator of your own destiny.

Playful fun is a much-neglected doorway to change. I look forward to working with you during the day and then setting your heart and imagination free in the parks at night. Once you realize that Disney World is designed to be a portal of possibility, you will never see it the same way again.  

Join us on an adventure at The Beach and Yacht Club in November to identify, build, and wire-in your own unique Capability & Resilience DNA (a very special part of your Emotional DNA) for yourself and successive generations!

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Resilience DNA

judy wilkins-smith

Resilience DNA

Any of you who have been through a tough time and finally emerged intact and standing have increased your resilience. Unfortunately, we often don’t stop to recognize and acknowledge our victories when they occur. We gloss over our increased resilience and ability to deal with difficult situations, robbing ourselves of a potent skillset.

When everything is falling apart, resilience is the quiet little voice (or maybe the not so quiet voice) that says “Yes, you can.” It’s the voice that says “Stand up and get back on track.” after you’ve fallen away from the path you desire to follow. The voice that whispers “You can do this” as you’re quaking in fear, waiting to start that very public presentation.

Resilience is your unique voice that anchors you into your purpose, ultimately telling you who you are. If you haven’t consciously acknowledged your growing resilience in the face of difficulty, this lack of self-approval and awareness may be rooted in your Emotional DNA—patterns of thoughts, emotions and actions that you have inherited from your ancestors. If instead of an encouraging voice you have an inner voice that says “You’ll never do it. You’ll never be good enough.” this inflexible negativity (which is the polar opposite of resilience) too, may be rooted in your Emotional DNA.

Let’s say your parents or grandparents made it out of Vietnam or communist Cuba, came to the US without a penny, set to work with a will and made their fortune. It’s highly likely you were raised with an incredible sense of resilience and have an inner voice that positively urges you to strive for more. “You can do it! You can do anything if you set your mind to it and are willing to work hard. Nothing can keep you down!” Notice how you are anchored in the present and future? That’s resilience.

If you come from a family that lost a lot of money or failed at various business ventures or has been plagued with a series of misfortunes, the voice you may have inherited might come from a place of hopelessness. “Why bother trying? Things won’t work out anyhow.” That’s usually limiting ancient history pretending to be your truth right now.

If you have a positive encouraging inner voice and your resiliency is high, maximize it! But if you don’t, it’s not a disaster. It’s a portal to possibility. You can coach that inner voice into becoming a positive support partner by 1) recognizing the negative input; 2) accepting that it is what it is and that you inherited this voice from one (or many) of your predecessors (it’s not you!); and 3) realizing you can change this voice by replacing negative heart and body-felt statements with positive heart and body-felt statements that you can accept as true. For example, “Why bother trying? Things won’t work out anyhow.” can be shifted to: “Take a deep breath. I can figure this out. Here’s one thing I can do, one thing I can think and/or feel right now and take it one small step at a time.”

When the first small step pays off, even the tiniest of changes, celebrate yourself! Do the same thing with the next step and the next. And feel it. Before you know it you will have successfully coached your inner voice and rewired your brain and become your own best advocate for positive change. Now that is what resilience is all about.

The pandemic flattened a lot of people. But there were also so many who pivoted and bounced back, creating new careers and new directions for themselves and their families and their businesses. They chose to elevate their thoughts, feelings and actions to move from overwhelm and self-doubt to determination and self-confidence. If you are one of those people, take a moment and honor your accomplishment. It’s so important to consciously wire that into your brain so you can draw upon it when you need it.

If you still feel flattened and even traumatized by the whole experience, if you find you have fearful, limiting voices around future possibilities and find yourself stuck in survival mode, sit down and mindfully map out one new thought, one new feeling and one new action you can take. Be determined to practice those three things. Be relentless and take your foot off the brake. Put down the “yes-buts” and know that you can change this. You can build resilience by taking control of  the voice within. Understanding that you can shift your situation this way  equips you with a skillset that will only keep you moving forward.

Join me on an adventure to build capability and resilience at our Disney World event at The Beach and Yacht Club November 10-13. Come find and wire in your own unique Resilience DNA.