Author: Judy Wilkins-Smith

Posted on

Why Your Words Matter When It Comes to Success

your words matter

Why Your Words Matter When It Comes To Success

Your words matter. Language matters. If you think they don’t, think about the times you’ve been told “You’re not” and “You’ll never.” These are some of the most powerful words in the English language. You know what I mean. How many times have you heard, “You’re not good enough” … or thin enough, or rich enough, smart enough, athletic enough? And then there’s the “You’ll never.” You’ll never catch up. You’ll never catch on. You’ll never make the grade. You’ll never live up to your father or brother or sister or predecessor. And on and on.

Systemic Language and Inherited Behaviors

Everyone has heard these phrases—many of which are systemic language from their family system—phrases that are just part of the family lingo, so much so that we hardly notice them. Unfortunately, these are the words that self limiting beliefs are made of. Hear them often enough, and one of two things happens. Either we let those limiting belief examples shape our sense of self, give up, and live down to the low expectations. Or we use those negative pronouncements as a motivator and rise above them.

If you give up, unconsciously (or even consciously) and agree with what you’ve been told, the limiting words can become your embodied truth—heavy boat anchors, dragging you down. For those who don’t give up, something different is happening. They reframe those same words and craft their language to deliberately create a totally different reality. “You’re not good enough” becomes “I am good enough!” And that kind of successful thinking then becomes their north star.

Your Thoughts Create Your Reality

How we think and speak literally create our personal reality. But here’s the key: In order to use language as a potent force for powerful change and manifest your goals, your body must believe the words you’re thinking and speaking. In other words, your brain has to tell your body a story it can believe and thus buy. For example, say you’ve just gotten a new job that uses computer systems you’re totally unfamiliar with. Out of pride (or fear or both) you ask no one for help. Instead, you say to yourself over and over again, “I can do this. Even if I don’t know what to do right now, I can figure this out!”

Those are all great sentences. But, until the body believes them, no movement takes place, no old systemic language is rewired. That sinking feeling in your gut and that panicky flutter in your chest is your body telling you, “Nope. I don’t buy it. You’re never figuring that out!” And now your brain has told your body a story it can believe that doesn’t serve you.

On the other hand, if you tell yourself something like, “I’m a quick learner. If I just get somebody to show me the ropes, I’ll be up to speed in no time. I know I’m building my success in this new job one step at a time. And that shows strength and persistence Watch me grow here!” then you are heading in a totally different direction.

These strong words along with positive action actually elevate your body’s emotions. And science has proven that when strong, positive emotions are present in the body, learning happens more easily. The process is accelerated even more when strong, positive emotions can be attached to a desired purpose, direction, or goal.

Words Matter and Elite Athletes Know It

 

This is exactly how elite athletes and highly accomplished people overcome self-limiting beliefs and achieve success. They are deeply conscious of the thoughts and language they use, the emotions they feel and the actions they take. They have figured out that they are, indeed, conscious co-creators of their lives. They have moved past any thoughts of being at someone else’s mercy and into an adventure they are consciously creating.

How to Let Go of Limiting Beliefs

To understand this better, identify an area of your life where you have a distinct feeling – either positive or negative – that you can sense in your body. For example, maybe you feel a deep uncertainty and even anxiety about a co-worker. You just can’t tell whether or not s/he is being honest with you. What do you tell yourself about this situation? What to you tell yourself about this co-worker? What are your thoughts, feelings and actions about your anxiety? Write your observations down.

  • Now, ask yourself, “What do I make these thoughts mean? About myself? About others?” Jot your observations down.
  • Notice that you are the one creating the thoughts and feelings and you are the one who has the choice about what they will be and how they affect you.

You are never at the mercy of a whimsical universe when you are aware of your thoughts, words and actions. Far from it! You are consciously creating your life! By rewiring old systemic language, developing new thoughts, emotions and actions, you are continuously shaping your world. And your life can change in an instant!

 

Adventure awaits you! Take a deep dive with me into systemic language at one of my live events, and begin to consciously shape the life that you truly want to experience. 

money dna
Posted on

Systemic Language: What it is & What it Does

systemic language

Systemic Language: What it is and What it Does

Even though we are quite unaware of it, we all speak systemic language. In other words, we all speak the languages of the particular systems we’re involved in—our family system, our business system, our cultural system, the sports system we participate in, etc.

Inherited behaviors include language. Every family system has special little “sayings,” that usually go quite unnoticed. For example, (and I bet most of you have heard these!) “Money doesn’t grow on trees” and “You get what you pay for.” Or how about the socially crippling, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” All these sayings affect your money DNA! They shape your thoughts feelings and actions around money. 

We don’t realize it, but words matter. Why? Because they can end up driving subconscious limiting beliefs. If you were raised hearing the words “Relationships don’t last,” it’s a strong possibility that you’ll have difficulty creating lasting intimate relationships in your life. And you probably won’t even understand why.

Emotional DNA

Limiting Belief Examples

Same thing goes with other examples of systemic language. Every profession, every club, and every sport have their insider lingo. Culturally, we  taught a lot of catchy phrases, like “No pain, no gain.”  (Thank you, Jane Fonda.) Or “Only the good die young.” (Thank you, Billy Joel.) But what a terrible, unconscious patterns to learn to live by! 

Sure, there are positive cultural influences. For example, we’re schooled to believe that developing successful habits and successful thinking is how to be successful in life.  But we just can’t escape the less healthy cultural influences. A client of mine, Joe, has two boys. He also has a big heart and is easily touched by kindness and even unkindness. He has been careful to model emotional availability to his sons. And yet, recently, when they all were watching a movie and he found himself moved to tears, he was surprised when his oldest boy admonished him, saying “Dad, men don’t cry.” 

Joe knows where that comes from, he’s been told it all his life.  He also knows that he is strong and successful. And yet he still feels a little shame when he does cry. He asked me, “Is it possible to be fully male and strong and yet cry?”  

I said, “Of course! you just have to keep challenging this commonly held, but erroneous assumption, whenever it rears its head. When you do this, not only does it change the situation for you, but for your sons and other men as well.”

How to Change your Thoughts and Feelings ... and Your Life

As we speak so we think and feel. We are teaching our brain to tell our body a story it can believe. When we change a language pattern, we change our thoughts and emotions. Let’s take money as an example. Many of us speak, and thus believe and act, in alignment with money patterns already in existence.  For example, we’re taught that having money is vitally important. We’re also taught that having money is bad, wrong, and greedy. We hear the words, “Money is the root of all evil.” 

Yikes! How to create a positive mindset around money with those kinds of conflicting truths?

The difference between those who struggle materially and those who succeed does NOT just hinge on their environment or circumstances. It rests, in very large part, on the systemic language and multigenerational family patterns they inherit and embody. It also depends on your willingness to change limiting systemic language and implement the power of positive words.

Give your Money DNA a Boost

If you have “money issues,” start carefully monitoring how you talk about money. How often do negative money sayings crop up in your mind? How often do you find yourself saying, “Oh, I can’t afford that” or “I wish I could afford that”?

Your money DNA can be changed by asking yourself a simple question: “What if something different is possible? What if I could afford it?” Right there, you’ve opened the door to a whole new possibility.

Do you judge people who have money? Stop it. Instead, find inspiring examples of people who are addressing some of the world’s problems precisely because they have accumulated wealth, been wise stewards, and can put money to good use. 
 
What happens if you begin to view money with respect and even affection?  What happens if you say (gasp) “I love money” or “Money and I are good friends!” When you do this—when you change your systemic language around money—you are rewiring your brain AND your life. Imagine that? You are able to change your financial circumstances one new thought, one new feeling, and one new action at a time.
 
And if you find yourself thinking this kind of simple change won’t make a difference to your finances, I challenge you to look at your limiting systemic language and put one new thought, feeling and action around money into play for one month. Also look out for other kinds of sabotaging thoughts/language/actions, like, “Nothing I do ever works.” Or “It would take an Act of Congress to change my financial situation.”)
 
Systemic language is HUGE.  Changing your language can help you rewire your brain for success and change your money mindset. Explored and employed consciously, you can begin crafting and more fulfilling and exciting life.
 
money dna
Posted on

Who Are You When You Embrace Gratitude?

It may sound strange to think that Gratitude affects your life directly but I want you think about this for a minute: 

There are two important things to know about systemic work and constellations:

  1. The decisions you make about events in your system become language and actions that run your life, and 
  2. We are affected by multi-generational patterns that we follow quite unconsciously. They create mindsets that can empower or limit us and we inherit them just like we inherit our physical DNA. 

Decisions You Are Making

Taking that into consideration, you might ask yourself what decisions you are making about events in your life right now?

When you keep telling yourself how stressed, tired or unhappy you are, this becomes your truth, You and your children repeat it. 

However, when you begin to introduce gratitude into your personal and professional life, your life changes.

Through this lens you can begin to see how much and how often you are blessed, do things right, are capable and are creating a life that responds to the way you shape it. You can teach yourself what’s possible simply by being conscious of what you already do! 

Gratitude focuses on what’s working, what you are creating and receiving and when that becomes your focus, your language, actions, and mindsets have no option but to change. So do the ways you describe your personal and professional self.

Instead of being stressed, sad, lonely, struggling, you begin talking about yourself as lucky, blessed and engaged. 

That becomes the new truth in your systems. Yes. I hear you say but I’ve had THIS happen to me.

And my question is:  What did you make that mean in your world?

You are given remarkable gifts, sometimes the wrapping isn’t too pleasant but look at it through the lens of gratitude and ask: “What’s possible here” and you will find the remarkable life you are looking for. It’s right there waiting for you to speak or action it into reality.

The Constellations Piece

Now the constellations piece – dimensionalizing what I’ve just said. In other words, being able to see, feel, touch and even taste gratitude. Here’s an exercise that will help you to begin gaining a sense of what I mean. ( We call that transforming yourself)

The Life-Changing Event

I want you to write down one of the worst things that has ever happened to you. (Not one that will freak you out just one you can look at.) 

  • Write it out on a piece of paper and place that paper on the floor. That is your life-changing event. 
  • Walk around it,  stand on it or near it or notice how you may back away or move closer.   That is all information.
  • Write down each limiting thing you say about this event on a different piece of paper and lay them down to the right of that piece of paper with the event written on it.
  • Feel how that feels in your body and notice your thoughts.
  • Be aware of how these thoughts and feelings affect your life. 
The Gift

Now. Please notice what skillsets, coping mechanisms, talents, careers, you have developed as a result of this event.

For example, you might say it’s made me too afraid to speak out- yes – and have you become really good at seeing things that others don’t, or only speaking when you can bring wisdom? You might say I am hardly alive- yes- and did you thank yourself for surviving? Are you grateful for the gift of life?

  • Write down each gift, skillset, coping mechanism you have developed onto a different piece of paper. Lay those down to the left of the piece of paper with the event on it.
  • Notice your thoughts, feelings, sensations in your body. 
The Full Picture

Take a step back and look at the full picture. 

  • Walk towards the limiting side and see how true this feels for you.
  • Go back and then walk towards the gifts, skillsets possibilities etc. and notice how that feels for you.
  • Notice what limiting language or actions on those pieces of paper, you are ready to put down. See if you can acknowledge them and turn the piece of paper over.
  • Now notice from the papers on the left, what you are ready to embrace, start, make a reality in your world and acknowledge them.
Gratitude

Write down the word gratitude on a piece of paper and take that in your hands. 

  • Notice if anything changes for you.
  • Notice if anything else wants to stop or be embraced. 

You might want to take a picture of your layout to remind yourself who you are when think you are limited and who you are when you embrace gratitude.

You are quite likely two very different people and how you emerge is your choice to make.

____________________

We think we are living our own lives but all too often we are simply re-living a history until we become aware of the strengths and limitations that we have inherited as a way to belong or not belong in our families. We feel these patterns in our bodies and repeat them in our thoughts and feelings. They are also incredible unlockers of our limitations and our purpose in life and their effects and potentials are profound. Decoding them and using them wisely we are able to unlock our own profound wisdom and potential. 

We all have this ability; we just have to learn to use it. Once we begin to work with our patterns we are amazed to discover just how big we are. We were born to do the profound, the uncommon and the incredible. We are literally able to change our patterns and our lives. 

What is the chapter that only you can write? How big are you willing to be? 

Come and Find out at the Emotional DNA Workshop

Posted on

Case Study: Beaten and Broken

what is systemic coaching?

Patterns that keep us stuck often begin in prior generations with decisions made about events that then become law in our universe.

People have to flee, and subsequent generations struggle to find a place to belong. Someone is told they’re a terrible communicator by a senior and that becomes the truth for them. What we don’t always realize is that patterns don’t just use repeating words and actions they also incorporate things as clues to what’s happened in the system as you will see in the following case. 

Initial Meeting:

The older heavy-set woman who made her way into the room leaned heavily on a cane and lowered herself carefully onto a chair her eyes downcast, her shoulders pulled up. When she introduced herself, participants had to lean forward to hear her. She was there to learn and listen she said quietly but didn’t volunteer much more than that until she sat in the chair to do a constellation. 

Once upon a not so long time ago, she had been a successful law enforcement agent until she was beaten by one her own with a stick and injured badly, hence the cane. Since then life had been difficult. She’d been poisoned by a partner and become severely ill and depressed. She wondered if she had ‘risen above her raising’ and was now paying the price. Perhaps she’d deserved the beatings and injuries. She felt ashamed and just wanted to make peace with it all and find a place to belong. 

 

There were several striking aspects of her language but there was an element that would prove surprisingly important. 

I asked if anyone else in her family had suffered something similar and her eyes widened with shock. Her grandmother came from a very poor background but was very pretty and had had an affair with a prominent businessman in the town and gotten pregnant. Great-grandmother took her to the town square and beat her up with a rod telling her: “That’s what you get when you rise above your raising. You’ve brought terrible shame upon this family.” It left grandmother crippled, broken and excommunicated from the family. The child that was born was my client’s mother who always felt guilty that she’d caused her mother so much pain and would ‘beat herself up’ for being such a burden. 

Looking at the pattern together, we could see how the shame, the beating, the fear of getting too big, had traveled through the generations as a way to bring attention to her excluded grandmother. This client was repeating history like most of us do, rather than living her own life.

Now she had a real chance to write the chapter that only she could write and change the pattern in the family. We worked together to understand how the stick could move from a punisher to strength. We also looked at how she could include her grandmother and great-grandmother and how she belonged in the family. First as a fellow sufferer and now as a change agent. She left in a better frame of mind. 

Six Months Later:

Six months later at a subsequent workshop, a slim young woman bounced into the room with a smile and bid everyone a happy hello. No one knew who she was until she introduced herself and several people gasped in shock. The stick was gone, the extra weight was gone and the person in the room looked nothing like the woman who had shuffled into the room on a cane. 

She said she had felt the weight of the shame and betrayal leave her during the constellation. Her thoughts and feelings about herself had shifted and she’d shed the burden and with it the pounds. There was a lightness about her. She shared that she had begun a foundation to help some of the many wounded warriors in the country and she held up a stick to show us that she now carried the baton for others who needed to heal. What had been an instrument for inflicting pain, was now a symbol of hope.

____________________

We think we are living our own lives but all too often we are simply re-living a history until we become aware of the strengths and limitations that we have inherited as a way to belong or not belong in our families. We feel these patterns in our bodies and repeat them in our thoughts and feelings. They are also incredible unlockers of our limitations and our purpose in life and their effects and potentials are profound. Decoding them and using them wisely we are able to unlock our own profound wisdom and potential. 

We all have this ability; we just have to learn to use it. Once we begin to work with our patterns we are amazed to discover just how big we are. We were born to do the profound, the uncommon and the incredible. We are literally able to change our patterns and our lives. 

What is the chapter that only you can write? How big are you willing to be? 

Come and Find out at the Emotional DNA Workshop

Posted on

It’s All About You, It’s NOT All About You, It’s All About You!

When you come to a systemic work and constellations class, you may have heard that this is a highly interactive approach and you may have heard that it creates remarkable shifts. You know more is possible in your life and you want it and you’ve heard that this may be a way for you to finally get that life you want. If you actually experience a constellation then you bring an issue you want to deal with or a limitation you want to get past. In other words, it’s all about you…or perhaps…

In systemic work and constellations, many of the places where you get stuck or hit brick walls seem inexplicable. You are doing what you know how to do and yet you still hit those limits or self-sabotage right at the point of success, or just can’t seem to flourish.

And that’s where it may not be about you. You may be unconsciously, let me repeat that… unconsciously entangled with a limitation or pattern from a predecessor. Imagine that! You might have inherited a pattern that has outlived its use and when patterns do that, they become a problem.

What was once a solution for a predecessor is now a problem for you!

When someone tells you, you are just like your mother, father, uncle, you want to pay attention because someone is pointing you to the source of your stuck-ness. Now. That doesn’t mean that you have someone to blame. It simply means you have insight into what may have you stuck and yes – originally it may not have been about you. Science now shows that trauma can pass from generation to generation. Neuroscience shows you that until you start thinking and feeling differently you may be simply repeating history.

And here’s the breakthrough.

Systems look for inclusion and carry significant clues to your success and failure. In other words, everyone has a place and when someone is displaced or excluded, the pattern that caused that displacement or exclusion finds a way to emerge again through a later generation in order to show what wants to come into a state of balance. In other words, what hasn’t been resolved in one generation can seek resolution in a later one through you and that’s where you come in.

Where you feel stuck, limited, frustrated, that’s the pattern asking to be seen, so that something different is possible. And that…is where you come in. You see, your frustration or deep desire is simply your subconscious trying to get your attention and what can happen next is goosebump worthy!

Once you see and feel what has you stuck or isn’t working, you can choose something different.  If you choose that change then not only does your life change, the entire system changes and your purpose has the space to emerge! This is the chapter that only you can write, and it is profound. When people invest in their purpose and growth, the remarkable can and does happen.

At the Advanced course in Disney, where we explored purpose and clarity, it became quite evident that purpose is an antidote for all the limitations and excuses we use to keep ourselves stuck when we don’t know what to look for. Purpose will propel you past all the limitations, roadblocks, frustrations, un-worthiness and doubt. If you choose it.

And this is again where it is indeed all about you! Once you invest in the new pattern that’s trying to emerge through you, you begin to experience your bigger self – your true self to be exact. The welcome home carpet rolls out and you are finally doing the thing you were born to do.

Of course, at the same time, you are changing your own life, the rest of the system is evolving. The minute one part of a system shifts that system is no longer the same and so, of course, it’s not all about you …and yet it truly is, and the beat goes on.

Now the constellations piece. Tuning into your purpose.

So many of you ask me how to find your purpose and there’s a long answer to that but here’s a short way to begin getting in tune with it.

Please bear in mind that purpose is a life-long commitment, but it all begins with one choice and one step. It’s yours to take now.

One of my favorite places is stuck. Stuck lets you know right away that you have outgrown your box and you have a few options. Try staying small, give up and shrink to fit or grow! And contrary to popular thought, growing can be a lot of fun. Your Purpose lives there.

  • Find a place where you are stuck. Name it and write it down on a piece of paper. Place it on the floor
  • Write down all the ways you are stuck, each on its own piece of paper and place them in relation to the place you are stuck
  • Now allow yourself to think, feel and sense all that this stops you from doing.
  • Was anyone in your family system ever stuck in this way?
  • Step away from that and ask yourself: “What do I really not want?”
  • Write that down and place it on the floor too.
  • Feel that
  • Now write down how or where you want to be and find a place to place that
  • Stand near that and again allow yourself to become aware of your feeling’s thoughts and senses.
  • Can you feel the difference?

How big are you willing to be?

Our first workshop of the year is doing the work of Emotional DNA.  Find out more here: Emotional DNA Workshop

Posted on

Is Systemic Work and Constellations Transformational?

Transformational

I am often asked is constellations work transformational?

Will it unleash the power within me as other disciplines offer?

Can it rewire my brain?

Can I use this approach as a practical way to change my life?

 

The simple answer is yes. Just like other approaches, the results depend on the client and that’s good news. If you are ready to take charge of your life and if you want more, than yes this is an approach that may help you to achieve the shifts that can facilitate change. 

 

Unconscious Loyalties

Imagine discovering that you are unconsciously loyal to hidden patterns in your system and that they may be running your life. Now, what if you could actually see them and explore your thoughts, feelings and decisions about issues, events, relationships, money, leadership and then consciously do something different? How might your life change? Systemic work and constellations facilitate that journey.

Constellations illuminate those hidden patterns and unconscious loyalties, they reveal obstacles, limitations, possibilities. Engaging multiple senses, this dimensional approach enables deep insights and lasting shifts and we know that by changing thoughts and emotions you are indeed capable of rewiring your brain. And when use those changes to break multi-generational patterns, your life can change too.

 

Have I seen careers rise and lives change? Yes. Too many times to count at this stage. Once people understand the framework of this approach and they are committed to change, they are able to leverage their insights, change their feelings from reactive to creative, and harness the power of their choices to create “the remarkable” in their lives. 

Fortune 500 companies use this approach to solve complex problems with high engagement and success. Individuals report amazing shifts in increasing numbers and the field of human potential recognizes that we are quite capable of life-changing breakthroughs. Some people call it magical – we call it unlocking your natural abilities to create a destiny rather than settling for fate.

 

Over the coming months and throughout the book I am writing, (it may take a while) I will be sharing practical ways for you to use this powerful approach to create the life you want and yes you can do it. You can do it!  You are going to find out how capable you are of doing the incredible. And if you want to accelerate your own life change within a growing community then you are welcome to attend one of our workshops where we work with you to facilitate those insights and changes.

Start Today – Don’t Wait for January 1st! 

So today, your first shift begins. It may seem small at first but pay attention. That’s one of the first rules in any sort of transformative work. Pay attention. Notice small changes – and big ones. They aren’t a coincidence. There’s no such thing. Transformation relies on you being a partner in the process. 

  • Write down one limiting thought on a piece of paper e.g. I’m not good enough.
  • Write down one feeling that you have that limits you on a separate piece of paper– I feel scared or angry or sad or hopeless.
  • Place them on the floor in front of you and back away a bit.
  • Now notice what happens for you as you walk towards each one. Use as many senses as you can (No tasting the paper please????)
  • Notice what happens in your mind and your body.
  • That’s you using multiple senses to connect with what’s going on inside you! These senses and abilities to notice are going to take you places!

We are tuning into your ability to feel and notice things. It begins with knowing yourself and understanding your ability to perceive and shift. Now ask yourself:

  • When did I first think this thought, or feel this feeling?
  • Who else in my family thought or felt this way?
  • Does it serve me? Does it belong to me or have I inherited or borrowed it?
  • Is it mine to change? Am I the change agent? Is this the chapter that is mine to write my way?
  • Am I ready to look at it?

 

For the next month, I want you to explore the sentence and the feeling you wrote down. 

  • See if you can identify their origins.
  • Notice everything that they are costing you.
  • Step towards those pieces of paper and then away from them and notice how your thoughts and feelings change as you move closer or further away. 

We are building your ability to sense and feel what is going on around you so that you can use it to understand yourself and then create your biggest life!  Here we come 2020!  

And as always, How big are you willing to be?

Posted on

Sentenced to Number Two

Leadership

Leadership styles don’t just happen in a vacuum.

How we are as leaders begins with who we are in our family system coupled to events, and decisions we make about those events. Often unconscious loyalties can lead us to be smaller versions of ourselves.

Jake was well-respected in the global company he’d been part of for the last ten years. He had a real flair for understanding difficult bosses and translating their needs into jobs well done. In a few years he might retire, he said. Life was good. 

He came to see me because his current boss was retiring, and he wanted something different. He was great at getting others promoted without ever getting the credit for the work he did behind the scenes. I asked what stopped him from being a leader in his own right and he said he’d always been told he was a great number two. I asked where that had started, and he said it began way back as a kid when his mother had told him he was a great number two man in the house and that had stuck. He’d developed a real talent around that. Then he remembered that his father had also been a great number two at his own place of work. 

Hidden Loyalty:

Through work we did together Jake began to realize that he had a hidden loyalty to his father. If number two was good enough for his dad,  it was good enough for him. He also remembered that a manager at his first job had told him that he would go far if he didn’t settle for less and now he wondered what might happen if he explored that possibility. We worked on thoughts, patterns, sentences, and mindsets that kept him limited, seeing what was true and what was simply something he had told himself.

He even asked his father’s blessing to go as far as he could and be a number one, a conversation that moved them both. He reported several times that he could feel his thoughts and emotions changing. He found himself stepping forward and saying yes to all sorts of things. He even volunteered to travel abroad to facilitate goodwill between his company and a new partner. He’d been interested in the culture for a long time and fit in really well.  

Within six months Jake had taken an overt lead in company projects and made suggestions that were so helpful to the organization that he was promoted to be an international team lead.

He says that life is no longer good,  it’s incredible and that being fully himself is unbelievable!

He has developed a real flair for being number one too. 

Systemic coaches with a background in constellations understand the multi-generational ties that bind us and the treasure that lies in our thoughts, words and actions. Once clients understand this simple yet effective framework for changing their lives, they are creating their own lives, not repeating the history of their ancestors. 

In our leadership DNA workshops, we explore patterns in leadership, their origins and their effects. Then we look at the hidden gifts, events, thoughts, emotions and mindsets within your leadership style and help you to break through your own barriers and elevate your ability to become an inspiring and visionary leader. 

Posted on

The Magic of Purpose & Clarity

Purpose & Clarity

When people tell me they’re stuck and can’t find their purpose quite often what they are sharing is that they haven’t made something meaningful enough to commit to and invest in all the way.

Your old patterns and unconscious loyalties may be getting in your way. You see, that kind of purpose doesn’t have excuses or reasons to stop. It is strong and you find yourself plugging in until you get there and you are the one who chooses it. You make meaning of something that changes your life.  

Many people who make it, tell themselves something really important and builds a strong enough reason to bypass all their ‘buts’ and all the multi-generational patterns and focus on that one thing. Watch people in the zone. They are living their purpose. The bumps and hiccups are a part of the adventure and they know that. Every step grows their purpose in some way. 

By the way, you are always living a purpose but there are different levels of purpose and I will be sharing more about this in my advanced class on Purpose and Clarity DNA at Disney World.

One of the reasons people are so drawn to purpose is that they suspect that there’s something rather special about it and they are right. Purpose is the antidote to your cycles of limitation. It is one of the keys to a life you want. When you have a strong purpose nothing much will stop you. When everyone is looking at all the reasons something can’t happen, you are figuring out how it can. 

Purpose pulls you past all the limiting thoughts in your family, your organization, your community. It is in service of the bigger you and then you are in service of so much more. You find yourself wanting to share what you have learned or gained. You become the difference.

With purpose comes its companion, clarity. It can appear in a few ways. It might illuminate your purpose or the path to your purpose or help you gain clarity around the patterns and loyalties that may have lived in your systems for generations. You may find that you are having discussions you have avoided or you might see how your limitations were inherited from way back in the system and now it’s time for that to change through you. 

Finding your purpose begins with paying attention to what calls to you. Transformation always begins with wanting more and paying attention. If nothing has moved you then you might ask yourself what stops me from wanting or feeling. Once you pay attention and notice what keeps showing up for you that calls to your spirit and you make it mean something special, the game is on! 

Purpose demands a step beyond complacency, the couch, and the television. It stretches you and elevates you. There’s a mighty good reason that purpose is associated with endorphins. It’s a clue to the transformation you seek. 

At the Purpose and Clarity workshop, attendees will find out what stops you from finding your purpose and learn how to find it.

Break the patterns that keep you stuck and you breakthrough to your greatness.   

How big are you willing to be?

Posted on

A Practical Guide to Moving Beyond Limiting Cycles and What’s Holding You Back

I teach and facilitate many workshops globally and watch people do the remarkable, become remarkable and change their lives. I am privileged to work with incredible businesses to help them shift into a higher gear. Two of the questions I am most often asked is: “We see the shifts during constellations. Some people change and keep going and others subside again. Why? The other question I am most often asked is: “Can you show me a practical way to shift that I can use on a daily basis. “

To answer the first question: It’s about choice. Some people choose the shift and invest in it. Others are still more invested in what has them stuck than what wants to emerge. Breaking a cycle is often exactly the same as becoming an athlete. You have to practice accurately and then tweak and repeat. Doing something one time and breaking a cycle can and does happen. We see this often during the workshops we offer but for most of us, it’s exercising that muscle relentlessly. I ask people: “If you do nothing where will you be two years down the line?”

Now to the practical piece. Breaking a cycle in a doable daily way. Here we access neuroscience in constellations. We are always making meaning of events or patterns and then using aligned thoughts and feelings to hardwire the meaning into our bodies. Often as the result of an event that upset us and put us on notice. If we do the same minus the fear or because of a remarkable experience we can achieve the same result. And if we start to invest the same energy into exploring and celebrating what we do right, then we achieve the remarkable.

Putting It Into Practice

To break a cycle remind yourself that you are willing to look.  This isn’t a blame game it’s called hunt the clues, connect the dots, seek the treasure, invest in the journey and go there. Practically speaking:

  • Sit down and look at something that has you stuck. You keep hitting that same thing.
  • Write down everything you tell yourself about that.
  • Write down how you feel and identify where you feel that in your body.
  • Write down the actions you do/don’t take as a result
  • Write down everything you make this mean e.g. “I am not smart enough I will never succeed.”
  • Now think about what or who first-ever triggered that or something like that. Write it down.
  • Write down all the meaning you made of that event or the source of your feelings.
  • It might be an event or a multi-generation pattern. If it’s a pattern, ask yourself who said or did that first – for example – who said: “You can have love or money but not both.”? Or who might have said: “No one in our family becomes wealthy or successful.”
  • Now ask yourself does that meaning serve you? If not, can you lay it down or return it to its originator? Wanting more means you have outgrown this old pattern anyway. Return it with gratitude for lessons learned and feel the desire to be, do and have more. Dare to go there!
  • Look again at everything you say, do or don’t do and ask yourself: “Do I still want this?”
  • If the answer is no, then ask yourself what would you like to say, feel think about this?
  • Now start telling yourself a different story. Remember you teach your brain what you need it to know to serve you.
  • You are already doing this- mostly in a limiting way and living the results of your story.
  • Mindfully give yourself 3 new sentences to say each day and 1 new action to take that supports what you want. Feel it deeply for a few minutes each day and make it your truth.
  • Always go to bed and get out of bed thankful and optimistic. Your choices matter!

The remarkable thing is that if you follow this recipe, you cannot stay the same. You will be rewiring your neural pathways and breaking old cycles. Whoever said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks simply didn’t understand the brain!

If you want a different life then it’s time to give up those old cycles and the thoughts and feelings that make you unhappy and invest in what gives you purpose and joy. Guilt, frustration, and sadness bring poor returns. I have worked with too many people from all walks of life to think you can’t do it. They all did and you can too.

And if you want it to happen faster, please join me at one of my workshops. You have a remarkable life, if only you know how to see it!

Posted on

Looking at Burnout through Systemic Work and Constellations

Burnout plays a specific role in our lives, especially when we look at it through a systemic lens and through constellations.

The Mayo Clinic describes burnout as a special type of work-related stress — a state of physical or emotional exhaustion that involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity.

Let’s explore burnout using the 3 principles present in all systems: Order, balance of give and receive, and belonging.

If any of these are out of whack, they can cause stress and distress. They can, however, also serve as clues to patterns that need to stop and new ones that need to start to advance beyond burnout. Sometimes the origins of burnout can be in the company, or even your family of origin. A pattern has outlived its current usefulness, and something needs to change.

Let me give you an example: A CFO is suffering from burnout. He is overwhelmed and physically and mentally exhausted. He says he has to ensure that the company and its members are taken care of and he finds himself re-checking everything his team does. In the last while, he thinks about taking any other job where he doesn’t feel like he has the blood of the company on his hands’. He doesn’t understand why only he sees the danger of becoming too complacent.

Notice the words he uses that seem inflated or charged. ‘Exhaustion’,’ Making sure the company is taken care of’, ‘have the blood of the company on his hands’; ‘danger in becoming too complacent.’ We might wonder what has created a sense of urgency and a heightened desire to take care of everything.

Systemically, by taking care of everything, he has made himself too big. We call that being out of order. You might find as a result that his team is also out of order. When people carry too much, they may experience burnout. When people are micro-managed, they may feel themselves to be un-useful or unworthy and too small and may leave.

The company history revealed that there had been an accident where several team members were killed. The official finding was reckless endangerment due to inadequate equipment. The CFO who had been in the role for a year was blamed for failing to approve its acquisition. Team leaders had told him the equipment was fine and he’d taken their word for it. His two successors each lasted a year. This CFO had been in the role for a year and was feeling overwhelmed and fearful. The accident was not ever discussed. It was ‘put behind them.’

In systemic work and constellations, we know that what you exclude, creates a pattern that expands and repeats. It can suddenly show up as dysfunction or fear in the system.

This CFO’s father had left home when he was young. He’d often felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the challenges he’d faced as the eldest of 5 siblings. He’d had to be big so they could survive.

As we talked, he could see how he’d had to be big for a long time and had always taken care of too much. Now that his siblings were grown up and successful and the company’s safety regulations had mandated the right equipment, he could see that in both situations it was time to stop holding it all and time to start sharing the responsibilities.  He could give both events a place in his heart as sources of wisdom.

Burnout is sometimes an elegant systemic clue that something in your life needs to change. It’s not the end of a road but rather a pivot point or portal to the chapter you were meant to write. When you understand that, burnout can shift you to a new direction or a fresh sense of purpose.

Putting It Into Practice: Beyond Burnout

Let’s see how we can use a constellation to explore a place where you may feel burnt out or overwhelmed and notice if you can shift just a little. Remember it may take a little time but with a willingness to look and new insights comes to a shift and you may be surprised by the results a one-degree shift can produce for you.

Get yourself some pieces of paper and a marker. We are going to use the floor to engage multiple senses and give you a heightened sense of what’s happening and show you how to shift just one degree.

Today I want you to write down the event that has pushed you into burnout or overwhelm.

  • Write down who or what belongs in this event. Each component should be on a separate piece of paper.
  • Place them on the floor in relationship to each other.
  • Now. This is a testing constellation. I want you to find the place that overwhelms you the most.
  • Then find the place that allows you to breathe easier
  • If possible, find a place that makes you feel hopeful or happy.

Now ask yourself:

  • When did this first start for you?
  • What was happening at the time?
  • What is your biggest fear? (this is the pattern that wants to stop)
  • What is your heart’s biggest desire? (this is the pattern that wants to emerge through you)
  • What one small thing might you do, think or say differently that might shift your mindset and the feelings in your body.
  • Write it down and place it beyond the other pieces of paper.
  • Now, see if you can move there and stand on that and notice what you tell yourself about that and how you feel.
  • Remember choosing this is the first step.
  • Accepting your choice is the second. That’s all you need to do for now.

Please feel free to let me know how this works for you. And of course, if you want to know more or explore this in more depth please reach out to me directly or attend one of my workshops. This year’s advanced class addresses Purpose and Clarity DNA and will be held at Disney World. Details can be found in the Workshops link above.