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How to Stop Imposter Syndrome & Become a Great Leader

How to stop imposter syndrome

How to Stop Imposter Syndrome & Become a Great Leader

As a coach dealing in executive leadership skills, I have the privilege of working with many top executives across many sectors on how to succeed as a leader. I’ve discovered that, quite frequently, executives stop short of being as great as they can be. The reasons for this differ: “I’m comfortable where I am. It’s too much responsibility to get bigger. I don’t know if I’m capable.” One of the more interesting excuses is: “If I take on a higher position, someone is going to find out I’m a fraud.” 

Imposter syndrome is real—at least in people’s minds until they finally realize the Imposter Syndrome is itself an imposter! The fear of not being enough, not being good enough, or being a fraud—despite having amazing gifts, talents and experience—plagues a surprising number of people. And this is partly because as much as entrepreneurial leadership is admired, we come from a global society that tends to frown upon standing out. Which means that even highly qualified, intelligent people run away from opportunities to excel.

And yet the very people who are paralyzed believing they’re imposters are actually pioneers!

How to be an inspiring leader

Those who dare to be big have one clear differentiator. They embody what I call Pioneer Syndrome. They may not have the answers, but are willing to find them or create them. All are willing to forge ahead where others fear to tread. They’re people with amazing gifts, talents and experience who often mistakenly believe they’re imposters because they’ve been taught to doubt themselves and believe that thinking well of themselves and having self-confidence is egocentric!

Some of the best leaders in the world started very small. Many have gotten where they’ve gotten in large part based on the soft skills they’ve been willing to build. Skills like patience, persistence, the ability to listen, good communication, empathy and imagination. Skills they’ve been able to leverage to good effect.

They moved upwards, one step at a time, even in the face of feeling uncertain and, yes, unworthy. They went for it despite their fears—just like all good pioneers do.

Interestingly, great leaders use these skills to their advantage all the time. And the wonderful thing about that is, most soft skills don’t cost anything to learn. They simply require that you pay attention and be the best version of yourself that you can be. Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, is a great example. He started out way low on the totem pole. But he was willing to pitch in wherever he was needed and always treated people with kindness. Something he is known for to this day. 

We often call such people visionaries and self-starters. Some, less kindly, refer to them as takers and overly ambitious. And yet the world cannot advance without somebody being willing to be big. One of the advantages of visionary leadership is the ability to inspire many people to their best “Yes!” That is the way great teams and great companies are formed. Inspired by examples of visionary leadership, people unite in a dream bigger than themselves, yet still fulfill their own dreams within the bigger goal.

How to combat imposter syndrome

Being great doesn’t mean that every person must be a CEO. But, stop and think. Given how much time you spend at work, the bigger you can be, the more passionate you feel about what you’re doing, the better you will feel about yourself. And one of the advantages of visionary leadership is you’ll also have a much greater positive impact upon the world while having nicer adventures along the way!

Here’s quick exercise. Ask yourself: “What personality trait do I have that could be turned into a superpower?” It could be your smile, your willingness to put in extra time, your resilience, or your kindness. These are not things we are generally taught to believe are important. But they are no small things! You can actually begin to build a personal brand around kindness, imagination, and persistence and other such soft skills.

Become a great leader

Stop and notice how the one person in the office that everybody goes to for assistance tends to advance. Watch how far they go. It’s not about hard skills. “Heart eats hard for breakfast.”

There are people who seem to have the humblest careers and yet somehow seem to have a lot of impact on people. They also tend to make a lot of money. I’ve watched some waitresses and waiters do this. And taxi drivers. Why do they make more than others in the same profession? They use their people skills. They’re not afraid to be big. To put themselves “out there.” To be seen. To be noticed. They’re not afraid to be themselves. They’re not afraid to care.

You want to know how to become a great leader? How to combat imposter syndrome? Leverage your heart. Your interests. Your passions. Your truest self. Being big isn’t egotistical. It grows the world and creates abundance, one courageous person at a time. 

“How big are you willing to be?” It’s up to you to find out!

To find out more about your emotional DNA and how to move from limited to being big,  join me at one of my live events.

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How to Eliminate Self Doubt: Stepping Beyond the Shadows

Eliminate self doubt

How to Eliminate Self Doubt: Stepping Beyond the Shadows

Generational patterns can run our lives and old ancestral patterns can keep us stuck in ancient  history, not moving forward. We all have them, the lovely little voices of self doubt and anxiety arising from those ancestral patterns—voices that effectively crush our best ideas and dreams. 

If you stop and pay attention to them, you will likely find that those limiting voices belong to a previous generation. Or they arise out of a prior event in your own life. You made a mistake, or you dropped the ball, or you made a bad choice and the consequences weren’t pretty. If this is the case, the worst has already happened. The event is in the past. You just haven’t brought it to a conclusion or resolved it. The voices of limiting beliefs about money, or how you aren’t loveable, or how you aren’t good enough, etcetera, keep the issue alive. It’s like the event keeps happening all over again.

How to begin to reach for your dreams

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Systemic Work & Constellations once said, “Happiness takes courage.” And he’s right! It’s so much easier to go along with the way things are than to make changes. It’s so much easier to just believe the voices rather than decide to go beyond them and reach for your dreams. 

Most of us don’t realize that sometimes all it takes to get the ball rolling towards change is a couple of simple questions. Two simple questions breaking generational patterns, taking you out of ancient history and unlocking your unconscious prison, pointing you in the direction of a very different future.

The first question is: “What more is possible here?” Once you’ve answered that question, the second is: “What do I need to change to get to what’s possible?” What do I need to add to my life in order to move towards my dream? Sometimes just asking the questions can help start you moving beyond the shadows towards the purpose waiting for you.

How to eliminate self doubt

Think of a dream that you would love to pursue—a dream plagued by those little thoughts of doubt. Ask yourself “To whom do these doubts belong?” Do they come from your family? Your workplace? Your culture? Your church? Your friends? If you can trace the voices, the words of doubt to others, what does that say?

It says your doubts aren’t really your own. You’ve simply adopted them through exposure and repetition.

If you can’t trace your doubts and negative voices to others in your immediate circle, you may well have old ancestral patterns showing up in you that have been passed down through your family lineage epigenetically. (This is what I call emotional DNA—the thoughts, words, actions, emotions, inactions, and choices of our ancestors that we inherit.)

Sometimes just the recognition that the voices aren’t ours can make all the difference and begin to free us up!

Get clear about where you stand

Sometimes what causes self-doubt is your uncertainty as to where you stand when it comes to your dreams. A simple exercise can show you where you are right now and if old ancestral patterns are standing in your way.

Take two pieces of paper. On the first sheet write down your dream. On the other, write down your doubt(s). Place them at opposite ends of the room. Now, go stand somewhere between the two pieces of paper. Just feel where you want to be. In the middle? Closer to one piece of paper than the other? Notice where you are drawn. 

If you find yourself wanting to stand closer to your doubts, you are likely caught in some sort of systemic trance stemming from your family, career, or cultural system. The voices of doubt that come from that source can sound awfully loud and pull very strongly. 

If you find yourself moving closer to your dream, notice what’s pulling you in that direction. Is there a whispering voice of inspiration in your head? Is your heart pulling you to express yourself? Is your gut telling you to go that way? Wonderful! Listen to them!

If you find yourself stuck midway, ask yourself what is needed to move towards your dream. As you identify an idea or a resource, write it down on a separate piece of paper and place it on the pathway nearer your dream. Keep  asking yourself “What is it I desire to experience?” Then wait for another idea. Write it down and add it to the “dream” side. Keep doing this until you’ve got enough weight—enough incentive—to pull you all the way to your dream.

Now, follow up on your ideas. When you do this once and experience a dream come true despite all those doubts, you will know how to move beyond other doubts and then you are well on your way to living the life that belongs only to you.

To find out more about your emotional DNA and how to make stretching towards your dreams a part of your daily life, join me at one of my live events.

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How Viewing Generational Patterns Through a Genealogical Lens Creates Success

Generational Patterns

How Viewing Generational Patterns Through a Genealogical Lens Creates Success

Gaining knowledge and insights about your generational patterns creates freedom and expansion. And one of the most fruitful areas to look for that knowledge from is your  ancestral heritage along with its accompanying emotional DNA.

So, what is emotional DNA? I’ve discussed it many times before, but briefly, it’s the patterns of  emotions, thoughts, actions and inactions you’ve inherited from your family lineage. You’ve probably heard of generational trauma and family patterns? That’s what I’m talking about here.

Genealogy through an Emotional DNA lens

Being able to have a direct encounter with your ancestral heritage by realizing it is embodied in you and perhaps expressing through you is a powerful and transformative experience that facilitates breakthroughs, insights, and change.  To go in search of your genealogical heritage, hold in mind specific issues and/or problems you are experiencing. Perhaps you’re experiencing a consistent lack of money. Or perhaps you have trouble holding onto intimate relationships, or you never seem to get ahead at work no matter how hard you try.

As you investigate your genealogy and discover what some of your ancestors were up to, what they experienced and went through historically, answers to your own issue (s) may begin to surface. Maybe you had a great-grandmother who lived through the 1904 earthquake in San Francisco. Or an ancestor who took part in the French revolution, or experienced the pogroms in Russia. Ancestral trauma is a very real thing. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and actions as you begin to uncover possible clues about historical events that may have triggered the expression of multigenerational family patterns in you.

Eye-opening insight into generational patterns

It’s an amazing thing to realize that choices made by those who came before you about the events that happened in their lives, have become the language, feelings, thoughts and actions that often live in you and are expressed by you. For example, Doug was stuck in a dead-end job. He knew he had the talent to be in upper-level management and make his way to the C-Suite. His line manager kept thanking him for the ways he evoked and nurtured talent in others around him, yet never gave Doug the promotion he deserved. He thought about leaving the company many times, but didn’t quite have the courage to do so. Not surprisingly, Doug felt trapped.

When we looked at his family beliefs and history, Doug realized that his father had also been undervalued and unacknowledged in the employment agency where he worked. Perennially overlooked for promotion, his father refused to complain or look for more substantive work, saying he needed to put food on the table, and he wasn’t about to jeopardize the family’s safety by leaving a steady job.

The trend went further back to his grandfather’s work as a perpetual line manager in the auto industry, and possibly back before that. Doug also recognized that employee loyalty and job longevity were highly prized in his father’s and grandfather’s generations. In fact, his father would often tell him, “Stick to one place and don’t make waves, son. Security above all.”

You are not stuck

Once Doug saw the pattern, he was determined to make a change. When I pointed out that experience in several different companies can actually add value to one’s resume, Doug was able to objectively evaluate his skills and capabilities. Realizing his value, it became a no-brainer for him to seek employment elsewhere. He was quickly snapped up at a higher salary and position.

By understanding the systemic piece that had kept him stuck—the multigenerational family pattern expressing through his emotional DNA—Doug was able to make a different choice that gave him a sense of freedom and self-confidence he had not enjoyed before. 

Take it from Doug: You are not stuck, or restricted. It’s just that an unsatisfying situation in your life may well belong to your ancestors! Ask yourself: “Is my life a reflection of another family member? Am I repeating generational patterns? What else is possible through me? What do I want? What is possible for those who come after me?”

Remember, everyone adds to the family system and family behavior patterns in some way. Change is growth. What will your gifts be?

Success and freedom are right within your grasp. Once you understand what has you feeling limited or trapped you will be able to reshape your life and career.

To learn more, join me at one of my interactive events.

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Emotional DNA and Interactive Genealogy: What It Is & Why It Matters

Emotional DNA

Emotional DNA and Interactive Genealogy: What it is & Why it Matters

Traditional genealogy can tell you where you came from and to whom you are linked. With the evolution of DNA saliva tests, you came to understand why you may look the way you do, discovered how to find your ancestors, and began to connect with people related to you who once were strangers. But when we bring together genealogy and emotional DNA–inherited patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions, including generational trauma patterns—a whole new world of personal information opens up for you.

Can you inherit heroism?

Most of us harbor secret hopes that our ancestors were incredible heroes or important figures in history. But what if you’re not directly descended from somebody famous? Does that mean you’re out of luck knowing whether you inherited any of those hero genes? Not at all! It’s actually possible to tell if someone in your family lineage was a hero.

How can that be? Well, just ask yourself a simple question: “How do I act, think, and feel in my own life?” Now tune in and think about it. Do you find yourself always standing up for the underdog? Are you unafraid to question authority? Have you surprised yourself by taking crazy dares now and then without a thought to your personal safety? If so, you probably have quite a few heroes quietly stashed away in your family line!

How is this possible? Well, we all know that we inherit our physical DNA. But studies in epigenetics now show that significant events in a person’s life can create an impact on their DNA. Strong emotions in an ancestor’s life such as extraordinary bravery, determination in the face adversity, courage overcoming terrible fear—these emotions quite literally imprint that person’s DNA, creating a blueprint for behavioral patterns that is then passed down to successive generations. These epigenetic inheritance patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions are what we refer to as our emotional DNA.

So, what else does this mean?  It means that your depression, anger, happiness, success, failure, issues with money and fear of commitment (and a lot of other issues and family behavior patterns) may well have their roots in prior generations. Stuff you’re experiencing that’s tripping you up in life may not belong to you at all! But it may be asking you to notice it. 

Generational patterns can be changed

And yet most people don’t know this. Instead, we go along through life repeating generational patterns faithfully as though they were our own. My client “Rita” is a perfect example.

Rita was embarrassed to admit it, but she always had to have a fully stocked pantry—and then some. Anything less than several overflowing closets filled with food created extreme anxiety and distress for her, and she couldn’t understand why. Paradoxically, Rita is pretty wealthy and can buy whatever she wants, whenever she wants. When I pressed her on the subject, she kept saying, “You never know what might happen. I could lose it all in an instant. If I don’t have food stores, I might not be able to survive.” 

When we looked at her family history, two generations had met with economic downturns and food shortages. Her great-great-great grandparents fled Ireland escaping the Irish Potato Famine. Her grandmother’s parents, once well-to-do, were impoverished during the Great Depression. She remembered hearing her grandmother tell her to always make sure she had enough food and money to last at least six months if not a year or more!

Again, even though Rita was well off and had a solid nest egg, she embodied the extreme trauma of starvation and loss carried in her emotional DNA from two different sets of family experiences—and possibly more going even further back in her genealogical history. On top of that, she carried the memory of her grandmother’s advice and the words of her own mother, constantly advising her to “Waste not, want not” and how she should always “Be prepared.”

“The idea of even wasting a penny just freaks me out,” Rita said. “It keeps me working long hours with my nose to the grindstone. I can’t even enjoy the success I’ve created.”

Honoring family patterns and moving on

When Rita finally got that her penny-pinching and food hoarding obsessions weren’t really hers, the lightbulb switched on. She realized it was up to her to break the generational poverty mindset. She was the person in her family who was being invited to change old negative family patterns and create something new.

When she took the next step and realized that her grandmother and mother had pinched pennies so that she didn’t have to, that gave her pause for thought. She remembered how her grandmother used to say she wished she could take her kids and grandkids on trips and have adventures. At that point, she realized that she could give her grandmother and mother a legacy by doing what they could not. She could stock one pantry in peace and take the time off to take her own children on family vacations.

Rita was breaking generational cycles by setting down the family limitations, embracing her mother’s and grandmother’s dreams as well as her own hopes and desires, setting new patterns of adventure and abundance into motion with a happy heart.

Want to learn more about emotional DNA and how it applies to you? 

Come to one of my interactive events and experience firsthand how to change the effects of behavioral genetics on your life and create new patterns of success! Click here to find out more information. 

Emotional DNA
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Why Your Words Matter When It Comes to Success

your words matter

Why Your Words Matter When It Comes To Success

Your words matter. Language matters. If you think they don’t, think about the times you’ve been told “You’re not” and “You’ll never.” These are some of the most powerful words in the English language. You know what I mean. How many times have you heard, “You’re not good enough” … or thin enough, or rich enough, smart enough, athletic enough? And then there’s the “You’ll never.” You’ll never catch up. You’ll never catch on. You’ll never make the grade. You’ll never live up to your father or brother or sister or predecessor. And on and on.

Systemic Language and Inherited Behaviors

Everyone has heard these phrases—many of which are systemic language from their family system—phrases that are just part of the family lingo, so much so that we hardly notice them. Unfortunately, these are the words that self limiting beliefs are made of. Hear them often enough, and one of two things happens. Either we let those limiting belief examples shape our sense of self, give up, and live down to the low expectations. Or we use those negative pronouncements as a motivator and rise above them.

If you give up, unconsciously (or even consciously) and agree with what you’ve been told, the limiting words can become your embodied truth—heavy boat anchors, dragging you down. For those who don’t give up, something different is happening. They reframe those same words and craft their language to deliberately create a totally different reality. “You’re not good enough” becomes “I am good enough!” And that kind of successful thinking then becomes their north star.

Your Thoughts Create Your Reality

How we think and speak literally create our personal reality. But here’s the key: In order to use language as a potent force for powerful change and manifest your goals, your body must believe the words you’re thinking and speaking. In other words, your brain has to tell your body a story it can believe and thus buy. For example, say you’ve just gotten a new job that uses computer systems you’re totally unfamiliar with. Out of pride (or fear or both) you ask no one for help. Instead, you say to yourself over and over again, “I can do this. Even if I don’t know what to do right now, I can figure this out!”

Those are all great sentences. But, until the body believes them, no movement takes place, no old systemic language is rewired. That sinking feeling in your gut and that panicky flutter in your chest is your body telling you, “Nope. I don’t buy it. You’re never figuring that out!” And now your brain has told your body a story it can believe that doesn’t serve you.

On the other hand, if you tell yourself something like, “I’m a quick learner. If I just get somebody to show me the ropes, I’ll be up to speed in no time. I know I’m building my success in this new job one step at a time. And that shows strength and persistence Watch me grow here!” then you are heading in a totally different direction.

These strong words along with positive action actually elevate your body’s emotions. And science has proven that when strong, positive emotions are present in the body, learning happens more easily. The process is accelerated even more when strong, positive emotions can be attached to a desired purpose, direction, or goal.

Words Matter and Elite Athletes Know It

 

This is exactly how elite athletes and highly accomplished people overcome self-limiting beliefs and achieve success. They are deeply conscious of the thoughts and language they use, the emotions they feel and the actions they take. They have figured out that they are, indeed, conscious co-creators of their lives. They have moved past any thoughts of being at someone else’s mercy and into an adventure they are consciously creating.

How to Let Go of Limiting Beliefs

To understand this better, identify an area of your life where you have a distinct feeling – either positive or negative – that you can sense in your body. For example, maybe you feel a deep uncertainty and even anxiety about a co-worker. You just can’t tell whether or not s/he is being honest with you. What do you tell yourself about this situation? What to you tell yourself about this co-worker? What are your thoughts, feelings and actions about your anxiety? Write your observations down.

  • Now, ask yourself, “What do I make these thoughts mean? About myself? About others?” Jot your observations down.
  • Notice that you are the one creating the thoughts and feelings and you are the one who has the choice about what they will be and how they affect you.

You are never at the mercy of a whimsical universe when you are aware of your thoughts, words and actions. Far from it! You are consciously creating your life! By rewiring old systemic language, developing new thoughts, emotions and actions, you are continuously shaping your world. And your life can change in an instant!

 

Adventure awaits you! Take a deep dive with me into systemic language at one of my live events, and begin to consciously shape the life that you truly want to experience. 

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Systemic Language: What it is & What it Does

systemic language

Systemic Language: What it is and What it Does

Even though we are quite unaware of it, we all speak systemic language. In other words, we all speak the languages of the particular systems we’re involved in—our family system, our business system, our cultural system, the sports system we participate in, etc.

Inherited behaviors include language. Every family system has special little “sayings,” that usually go quite unnoticed. For example, (and I bet most of you have heard these!) “Money doesn’t grow on trees” and “You get what you pay for.” Or how about the socially crippling, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” All these sayings affect your money DNA! They shape your thoughts feelings and actions around money. 

We don’t realize it, but words matter. Why? Because they can end up driving subconscious limiting beliefs. If you were raised hearing the words “Relationships don’t last,” it’s a strong possibility that you’ll have difficulty creating lasting intimate relationships in your life. And you probably won’t even understand why.

Emotional DNA

Limiting Belief Examples

Same thing goes with other examples of systemic language. Every profession, every club, and every sport have their insider lingo. Culturally, we  taught a lot of catchy phrases, like “No pain, no gain.”  (Thank you, Jane Fonda.) Or “Only the good die young.” (Thank you, Billy Joel.) But what a terrible, unconscious patterns to learn to live by! 

Sure, there are positive cultural influences. For example, we’re schooled to believe that developing successful habits and successful thinking is how to be successful in life.  But we just can’t escape the less healthy cultural influences. A client of mine, Joe, has two boys. He also has a big heart and is easily touched by kindness and even unkindness. He has been careful to model emotional availability to his sons. And yet, recently, when they all were watching a movie and he found himself moved to tears, he was surprised when his oldest boy admonished him, saying “Dad, men don’t cry.” 

Joe knows where that comes from, he’s been told it all his life.  He also knows that he is strong and successful. And yet he still feels a little shame when he does cry. He asked me, “Is it possible to be fully male and strong and yet cry?”  

I said, “Of course! you just have to keep challenging this commonly held, but erroneous assumption, whenever it rears its head. When you do this, not only does it change the situation for you, but for your sons and other men as well.”

How to Change your Thoughts and Feelings ... and Your Life

As we speak so we think and feel. We are teaching our brain to tell our body a story it can believe. When we change a language pattern, we change our thoughts and emotions. Let’s take money as an example. Many of us speak, and thus believe and act, in alignment with money patterns already in existence.  For example, we’re taught that having money is vitally important. We’re also taught that having money is bad, wrong, and greedy. We hear the words, “Money is the root of all evil.” 

Yikes! How to create a positive mindset around money with those kinds of conflicting truths?

The difference between those who struggle materially and those who succeed does NOT just hinge on their environment or circumstances. It rests, in very large part, on the systemic language and multigenerational family patterns they inherit and embody. It also depends on your willingness to change limiting systemic language and implement the power of positive words.

Give your Money DNA a Boost

If you have “money issues,” start carefully monitoring how you talk about money. How often do negative money sayings crop up in your mind? How often do you find yourself saying, “Oh, I can’t afford that” or “I wish I could afford that”?

Your money DNA can be changed by asking yourself a simple question: “What if something different is possible? What if I could afford it?” Right there, you’ve opened the door to a whole new possibility.

Do you judge people who have money? Stop it. Instead, find inspiring examples of people who are addressing some of the world’s problems precisely because they have accumulated wealth, been wise stewards, and can put money to good use. 
 
What happens if you begin to view money with respect and even affection?  What happens if you say (gasp) “I love money” or “Money and I are good friends!” When you do this—when you change your systemic language around money—you are rewiring your brain AND your life. Imagine that? You are able to change your financial circumstances one new thought, one new feeling, and one new action at a time.
 
And if you find yourself thinking this kind of simple change won’t make a difference to your finances, I challenge you to look at your limiting systemic language and put one new thought, feeling and action around money into play for one month. Also look out for other kinds of sabotaging thoughts/language/actions, like, “Nothing I do ever works.” Or “It would take an Act of Congress to change my financial situation.”)
 
Systemic language is HUGE.  Changing your language can help you rewire your brain for success and change your money mindset. Explored and employed consciously, you can begin crafting and more fulfilling and exciting life.
 
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In Honor of Cecilia: Stretching, not breaking

In Honor of Cecilia: Stretching, not breaking

My late friend and colleague Cecilia used to always say, “There’s a fine line between a stretch and a break.” In my last blog, I spoke about bandwidths and how to move beyond them. But to return to what Cecilia said, it’s important to note that when we notice a limitation and stretch toward a new goal‚ that we stretch. Not break.

A stretch may be small—just a couple of degrees beyond our normal bandwidth. But even the smallest stretch opens us up to expansion. It inspires confidence. We find we can stretch again and yet again. Stretches tend to be enough to excite us and can build up what is known as the “winner effect.” This is where we begin to rewire our emotional DNA into the “can-do” mode.  We experience more aliveness and become more of ourselves. 

A break on the other hand, can happen when we’ve been too ambitious and pushed ourselves beyond our current actualizing potential. Overreaching and not achieving a goal can activate stress hormones and tell us, again, that we’re failures. This hurts and does not inspire confidence to try to expand our bandwidth a second time.

Unless we have been through a difficult period, life is at its most exciting when we have dream and goals. And after a hard period, sometimes peace is the goal. Dreams and goals invite us to evoke more and more of our true selves. Of course, they also require a stretch. And there is nothing more exciting than when we’ve stretched and had a dream come true.  Conversely, making a dream so ambitious that it is unachievable can set us up for a world of disappointment.

When I work with organizations that have encountered a break—a failure—one of the first things I ask them to do is to list both their failures and their successes. I find it fascinating that most corporate managers are used to listing failures but find it difficult to list what actually did work, When they finally do make that list, they are frequently surprised to find they actually have taken steps toward a particular goal. They may not have hit it—yet—but they indeed have accomplished a stretch and find they have a new starting point. 

My point is, even a break can serve as a positive motivator when you understand that it may be part of a stretch  Goals don’t always have to be reached in one gigantic, effortful push. Sometimes they simply require a couple of stretches. 

NOTE: Stretching may feel easier and build up a “winner effect” quicker. But you don’t want to be afraid of going all out. Just remember, if you do experience a break, it’s simply asking for another step to get you to your goal. It’s only a failure if you label it as such and make no further effort.

A stretch may make you feel queasy without feeling easy, but when you achieve it, you know you have grown beyond your limiting emotional DNA.

Pro tip:  Take any area of your life where you put up barriers or resistance and ask yourself what one small step you can take beyond that. Congratulations! You have just engaged the art of stretching!

To find out more about your emotional DNA and how to make stretches a part of your daily life, join me at one of my live events. 

 

 

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Busting Your Limiting Bandwidth

Busting Your Limiting Bandwidth

Bandwidth is defined as the area between upper and lower limits. In systemic work it refers to what we are and aren’t allowed to accomplish in any given area of our lives. For the most part, our bandwidth, whether it’s our relationship bandwidth, our health bandwidth or our money bandwidth, is determined by family patterns and the rules we have inherited from our family system.  

Some of us embody inherited patterns—limited thoughts, feelings, emotions, choices. actions—that pretty much guarantee that we never experience healthy relationships. Others carry patterns that allow only limited health. In business, patterns and mindsets hold people back from getting into leadership positions. But the most glaring example of limited bandwidth is found within the area of money. 

Depending on our socioeconomic class, caste, culture, and upbringing, we each have a specific bandwidth within which we can operate monetarily, depending on the family and social patterns and the family conscience in play. I have clients who make it in the world financially, and then lose or give their money away because having a lot of money wasn’t allowed or achieved earlier within their family system. They unconsciously feel guilty that they have more than their father or mother or grandparents ever had. Which means they’re still tightly locked into the bandwidth of how much they can or cannot have or make.

If they don’t see the pattern and acknowledge the source of their limitation, they cannot make the transition and expand their money bandwidth. They will chronically lose all that they have gained in order to stay within the family conscience and return to their comfort level. 

Money is a strong teacher and mentor. It dares us to expand. But true expansion can only happen when we’re willing to move beyond the limiting thoughts of our family system. Part of the art of shaping our money bandwidth lies in listening to our inner voices and their messages. Are they telling us stories from prior generations or prior events? 

If you’re chafing under the limitations a narrow money bandwidth has imposed upon your life, good questions to ask are:

    • What is my biggest fear around breaking through my money bandwidth?
    • Is it a valid fear?
    • When did it begin?
    • What was happening in my life at the time?
    • What might happen if I pushed through this fear and expanded my bandwidth? Might money become an ally instead of something to be feared?
    • What could I do that I cannot do now if I busted through my limiting money bandwidth?
    • How could I better serve with an increased bandwidth?

Doing this kind of questioning can expand your bandwidth in any area of your life. Look at a place where you feel limited.  See if you can identify the limitations of your bandwidth and then ask yourself what one new thought, feeling, or action you could take that would allow you to expand—even just the tiniest bit. And then do it again.  And again. Pretty soon you’re going to discover that change and growth are not scary. They’re the place where you can finally relax and exhale.

I often ask clients to identify their various bandwidths by writing down on a piece of paper where and how they are limited. For example, say you can’t seem to break into the six-figure income bracket. Write “six-figure income” on a piece of paper. Or maybe $150,000 —whatever your upper money bandwidth limit says is “impossible.”

Place the paper on the floor. Then walk toward that piece of paper and notice the thoughts, feelings, and actions that arise.  Once you’ve done that, imagine one step beyond that limit. Write another, bigger figure on a piece of paper and place that beyond the current bandwidth limit of 150K.  Now, walk toward that, noticing what it feels like. 

  • Is it as scary as you’ve imagined?
  • What other feelings can you sense?
  • What are your thoughts as you stand at that place beyond 150k?

Standing in this new space, you have literally, physically moved beyond your old bandwidth.  Now, new possibilities are available. Try it!

Join me at my live events to learn how to expand your bandwidth (including your money bandwidth!) and step into new paradigms. 

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A DIY Constellation

A DIY Constellation

In my previous blog this month, I explained a little bit about Systemic Work & Constellations, and how facilitators use the 3D mapping process known as a “constellation” to dimensionalize issues and reveal formerly unknown/invisible patterns, relationships, images, ideas, conclusions and reactions we carry about events, issues and family members. These unconscious patterns all too often end up running our lives until we identify them, see their gifts and then use those gifts to grow in a new and remarkable direction.

Below is a framework, that will enable you to create a basic constellation on your own, map out a personal issue and come to a new understanding and transformation.

1) Name your issue. Pick your own issue. For the purpose of an example, let’s say you want to understand why you can’t seem to break into a six-figure income bracket, no matter how hard you try. (And you’re trying hard!)  

  • List all your current thoughts, feelings, and actions around this issue.

2) Create a constellation around your issue. For the sample issue above you would write down the name of each person in your family on individual pieces of paper—Dad, Mom, yourself, siblings, grandparents (if they’re close) and any other close members of the family. Also write the word “money” on its own piece of paper.

  • Take your pieces of paper and lay them out on the floor in a spatial relationship to one another as it feels right for you. Notice where money lands and notice who it’s close to and distant from.
  • Walk through your constellation. Being able to see and walk around an issue gives you a multi-sensory experience that may trigger previously unconscious connections/insights about money into surfacing.
  • If you don’t have room to do this in a way that enables you to actually move between the pieces of paper, then set up your constellation on a tabletop.

3) Examine your constellation. Notice spatial distances and relationships. Let’s say you ended up placing mom and dad surprisingly far apart. Or maybe another sibling or an aunt or uncle or grandparent stands between them. You might not have even been conscious of the interference or distance until you see the spatial separation you unconsciously created. Suddenly you see what’s been previously invisible to you.

Let’s take the example of mom and dad being placed far apart in your constellation. Why are they distanced from each other? Why have you placed your father closer to his father than your mother? “Well,” you say, “Mom was always on about wanting dad to make more money. And he never did. And that drove them apart.”

Why didn’t dad want to make more money? Look where he’s “standing.” Look where you placed him, next to that piece of paper on the floor representing his father. Maybe your dad didn’t make more money because his dad only made so much money and he didn’t want to outshine the father he admired. Unconsciously his way of being close to his dad may have been by emulating him and thus belonging.

Notice where the paper for money is situated. Is it closer to your mother/father/some other relative? Did they do well with money? Was there a money event in the family that sparked a whole slew of thoughts feelings and actions which in turn created mindsets? For example, a major stock loss? Losing the family home? Etc.

AHA! Suddenly your own issue about money comes clear. Maybe you struggle to break into the six-figure category because you, too, are unconsciously trying to belong by emulating your father just as he did his father.

The magic that happens with a constellation is that you get the opportunity to consciously explore a family issue that your father, mother, or other family members may not have investigated.

4) Identify the new pattern that wants to start.  The nature of all systems is to evolve and grow. The reason you’re unhappy and dissatisfied with your economic situation in life is because the family pattern of smallness is no longer working for you or anybody else. In this case, YOU are the family member that’s going to evolve the family system around the issue of money. You’re now going to identify and claim the new pattern that only you can start by first creating a statement that sums up the old money pattern in the family and stops the pattern from repeating. For example, “I see how all of us have struggled with money and it’s time for this to stop. I will think, feel and act differently around money.” 

Now you look towards a new, healthier pattern. You might create something like the statement: “I am the one growing wealth in the family.” Growing wealth is the new pattern you’re setting in motion. This is your driving statement and the fuel that will keep you learning about money and handling it differently for a different outcome. But just sitting there repeating your new affirming money statement won’t get you there. Now you must take action.

5) What might change if your issue were to be resolved? Ask yourself: “How will I look and feel different and how will my life look and feel different by adopting this new pattern of wealth acquisition?” Perhaps your answer is “I would feel safer.” Or “I could take my family on vacations and we could have more fun.” 

6) Make sure the new pattern gets you excited. Getting excited about your new pattern and your new goal ensures that you will invest in it by taking action. Your new goal must have a stronger pull for you than where you are now. For example, “I’m going to make a little more money than Dad” is hardly an exciting goal to get behind!

7) Determine one new thought, feeling, or action that will get the ball rolling in the direction of your goal. For example, “I’m opening a bank account specifically for vacations.” Or “I’m signing up for that real estate broker’s course so I can get my license and start my own business.”

Congratulations! You’ve conducted your first constellation. These steps may seem simple, but their effects are profound and elevating. I cannot overstate the power of constellation work. If you make doing this process a habit when you find yourself running into an issue or block, you will soon see things begin to shift.

Join me at a live event where we use this approach with human representatives. It yields remarkable insights and breakthroughs!

 

 

 

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A User’s Guide to Understanding and Employing Systems

A User’s Guide to Understanding and Employing Systems

Systemic Work & Constellations is both easy and logical. And it is also complex, multi-generational and multi-layered. I often get asked for a quick User’s Guide for navigating systems themselves, so here it is.

To be able to use a system to our highest advantage, we first need to know what one is and how it operates. A system is a grouping of elements within a common base. For example, your family members form a family system. Our laws form a legal system. Roads and highways form a transportation system. Planet Earth and all the other planets form our solar system.

Obviously, we are all part of many systems simultaneously. However, our family system has the greatest mental, emotional, physical and spiritual influence upon us. Therefore, it is considered the primary influence and pattern maker in our lives. This is true, even when we don’t know our family consciously and/or are adopted. Religions, cultures, countries, businesses, economic systems and more are secondary systems that have a strong effect—just not one equal to that of our genetic family and the family that raised us.     

All systems have their own languages, governing principles, patterns, and rules. The systemic approach takes every aspect and member of the system in its entirety into account when dealing with an issue within the system. No one member of a system stands alone, in isolation from the whole without it affecting the rest of the system. Everyone belongs. The system itself is a whole—the sum total of its many aspects and parts.

Systemic facilitators use a 3D mapping process known as “a constellation” to dimensionalize issues and reveal previously unknown/invisible patterns, relationships, images, and ideas we carry about events and other members of the system, as well as our conclusions and reactions to them. If we imagine a family system being like a star constellation in the night sky, you get the idea. Each family member has a “fixed” position within the family system/constellation in relation to all the other members (stars).

(I will outline a DIY constellation in the next blog this month so you can do one on a personal issue for yourself. So, stay tuned!)

However, patterns are unique to every member of the family system. Why? Because your mother, father, brother, sister and Aunt Alice all have their own unique experiences and relationship dynamics growing up in your family system. So, how each one of these family members views the family system itself is going to be different. If asked to create a constellation, every member of the family would create a different-looking pattern!

The point is, creating a physical image using representatives to stand in for family members, (you can use people, pieces of paper with family member names written on them, playing cards, whatever you can come up with) enables you to explore your family system and the relationships, tensions, opportunities and issues within it. But remember, the constellation you create will reflect the family system as you unconsciously perceive it.

The key word here is “unconsciously.” The whole purpose of a constellation is to give you the opportunity to identify (make conscious) the decisions, wounds and obstacles and/or opportunities and issues that are there for you. It’s an experiential approach that enables you to explore “what is” in order to move to “what’s possible” by making the unconscious conscious and the invisible visible.

This multisensory approach facilitates an embodied experience and visceral “ahas!” that shift perception, spark the brain to start rewiring, stimulate the heart to open and the gut to relax. By allowing unconscious patterns to reveal themselves in a constellation, both mind and body align to a new truth, igniting new possibilities.

Stay tuned for my next blog where I’ll show you how to create a family constellation and examine an issue for yourself!