Category: Emotional DNA

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Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim

How Stop Playing the Victim

Are You a Master Victim? Learn How Stop Playing the Victim

There are victims. And then there are victims. Many times, quite unintentionally, we are victims of negative experiences from family members, or a car accident, or assault, or have been cheated in some way. These negative situations may give us the short end of the stick for the first time. In these cases, we’re a victim, but only briefly because, as we heal, we move on.

But there are also victims who stay victims because they don’t know how to move on. They haven’t been taught how to think differently. They don’t know how to advocate on their own behalf in a way that moves them past “stuck.” And they succumb to self-victimization, often developing a victim mentality as a coping mechanism. This can become a habitual way of responding to life circumstances, leading to learned helplessness over a long time.

I have seen people who have been abused, assaulted, or cheated who never recover from the story they create around the situation. People tell them, “You will never be the same after that.” And they agree and they stay stuck in the trauma. Then there are others who agree—they know they’ll never be the same again—but they use what happened to rise-up even higher than before. Through personal growth, they are no longer victims.

So, what is the difference between these people? Plain and simple, the thoughts, feelings, and actions aligned with their emotional DNA that take them one way or the other. Let’s look at this dynamic.

Cultural Programming

Many people from many demographics, cultures, and ethnicities carry an emotional DNA burden on their backs and are stuck in a trance of victimization, In some cultures, suffering as one’s forefathers suffered becomes something of a badge of honor. But the cost individually, generationally, and culturally is enormous as evolution is stunted. People become so wedded to being loyal to the suffering of those who came before that they will fight the idea of switching the paradigm and thinking, doing, and being different. This learned behavior continues over the long run, creating a repeating pattern that’s difficult to break.

Wars are started in this way. Peoples’ unconscious loyalties to what came before keep them stuck in the victim mentality, angrily defying any suggestion that change might be good, holding onto rage and thoughts of retribution rather than acknowledging that the past trauma is past and it’s best for all concerned to move on.

The Master Victim

The master victims are the ones who carry immense burdens with the smile of a saint. Unfortunately, they may look good on the outside, but inside they’re secretly longing for a happier life. But because they’ve chosen the victim role their culture, ethnicity and sometimes the global system at large insists upon, they know a happier life is not their lot. They look around and all they see is the system and they can’t understand anything else is possible. So, they make the best of a bad situation and opt to elevate the position of victim as a payoff. 

And don’t you know, “misery loves company.” Many people choose to band together and commiserate with one another about their unfortunate lives, especially during hard times. It feels good because everybody’s doing it, so it becomes what’s normal. The master victim often enters a victim mode that becomes an acquired personality trait over a lot of time. The master victim’s goals also tend to be small, and they may be resistant to suggestions of positive change in general. If they achieve something significant, they tend to put it down to luck and/or downplay their role.

A lot of anger is associated with being a master victim. And one of the ways to channel this anger is for a master victim to become the champion of some sort of cause. In systemic work, we see this a lot in demographics that have been beaten down, marginalized, ignored, or forgotten. People borrow generations of anger, seeing themselves as change agents. The problem with the champion/activist is that—coming from the victim’s mindset—they are seldom there to simply right the wrong and add value. Instead, caught in their history, they’re unable to be fully present and effective, instead, repeating and expanding division and negative emotions and anger.

Victimhood Starts Early

School is one of the first places where we have the opportunity to stand up for ourselves and grow. I often ask school-aged children who are struggling, “How did you feel when you got upset and stuck? Did you ask the teacher to help? To clarify what happened? Did you make sure that you got what you needed?” 

Unfortunately, often the answer is “no,” because they either have never received much help from their own family, or they are too self-conscious or embarrassed to ask the teacher for help. So, instead, they blame, and say things like “Mrs. Barton doesn’t know how to teach.” Or “Mr. Anders hates me.” They develop a sense of helplessness and are stuck. (Blame always stops progress.) At that point I offer them the idea that if they are a little bit brave, they might get what they need and even end up liking themselves in the process. I tell them asking for help is a brave thing to do and that it will make them feel stronger and more capable, helping them leave their comfort zone.

This, of course, is a strategy that works well at pretty much any age and any situation where somebody is stuck blaming others and feeling helpless. The best way forward is recognizing your own needs and taking an action step toward addressing them. Inviting help is always a way forward and definitely a bold move away from playing victim. It helps build mental toughness over time. It’s something I wish we would all teach our children.

Moving Ahead

In my last blog I gave a recipe for manifesting miracles. Which is pretty cool. But I’m willing to bet that at least 80 percent of people looked at the word “miracle” in the title and thought, “No way that’s happening for me,” and tossed it. Well, guess what? That’s the thought and act of someone with a victim mindset.

“But I don’t have the time. Miracles don’t work. I don’t have the bandwidth to read another ‘How to improve my life’ blog.” Well, I’m sorry, but these are all victim excuses often fueled by negative self-talk. How can you tell? Because such excuses are often accompanied by a teeny jolt in the stomach—a tiny pang of guilt that’s there because you really want to believe that miracles can happen and that you can create one. But victim consciousness is standing in the way, telling you that you can’t have that. 

So, where does the tipping point lie? It comes at the moment when you rise up and say, “Enough!” with sufficient conviction that you elevate yourself out of whatever belief system is dragging you down. When this happens, you take full responsibility for your own life and are victim no more. You have risen above division and anger against a perceived oppressor (often oneself); you have risen above pretend indifference and hopelessness. You have moved past the family trance. Your emotional DNA has shifted to the upside.  

Are you on the edge of change? Look around and read about nations and places, like Singapore, where the poor and hopeless chose constructive action and elevated themselves. Watch the disadvantaged child rise-up to become a star pupil. Notice when somebody you know was hurt, but instead of playing victim, offers insight and compassion instead of retaliation. This is how you build personal power and begin the journey of personal development.

Notice strength when you see it. Notice where you resist help, and instead of falling down on the job out of pride and then feeling bad about what happens, be a little bit brave and ask for assistance. Taking the first step to overcome your critical inner voices is essential for mental health.

All it takes is one simple pivot from being a victim to identifying something that makes you want and be a little more. And so, the magic is stirred up and the trance of the master victim is lifted. 

Practice:

Write down all the places / situations in which you feel victimized and unhappy. Do this on a daily basis to become more aware of patterns.

  • Notice where your part in this situation lies. Take personal responsibility rather than playing the victim card.
  • Did this stance begin with you? Or is this part of your emotional DNA inheritance?
  • Go for a walk, and then find a place that feels warm and good and write down how you would like things to change; how you would like to be. Set realistic goals for yourself.
  • Is there a new thought about where you are right now? A new feeling that might shift something?
  • Ask yourself, “How could things be different for me?” Consider ways to take control of your life.
  • Remember imagination is the key. “How might it be if I am no longer felt like a victim? What might I do for myself and the world?” Focus on great things that could happen.
  • Every day over the next 21 days, revisit what you have written down. Find ways to act on your insights. Move ahead and bring joy to yourself and those around you. This consistent practice will help you transform negative thoughts into positive ones.

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.


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Discovering My Purpose – How Do I Find One?

discovering my purpose

Discovering My Purpose - How Do I Find One?

From an early age we’re taught that every person on the planet has a purpose and that it’s our job to find our own. This belief in living a meaningful life is so ingrained, it’s almost a mystical or religious thing. The problem is, many of us don’t know what our true purpose is, leaving us searching for a sense of meaning. So, we spend half (or more) of our daily life running around trying to find it, meanwhile feeling inadequate because we haven’t. Eventually, this lack of purpose leads us to conclude that we just aren’t special enough to have a purpose—a thought pattern that, naturally enough, can set off depression, self-doubt, and apathy.

It's Not "Out There"

The good news is that your life’s purpose isn’t some mysterious duty hovering out in the quantum field somewhere that you can’t find. The process of finding purpose isn’t “out there” at all. It’s inside you, aligned with your core values and disguised as the thing (or things) that you really, really want and the things you really really love.

When I mention this to people seeking a clear purpose, they often say things like, “But I don’t know what I want in life.” Or, “All I know is what I don’t want in life.” (Both these statements, which often reflect a lack of sense of direction, are usually linked to our family system which tells us what we should and shouldn’t want. For example, mom says we should get a college education and not a blue-collar job. Or dad says we should want a great apartment in the city, not a cabin in the woods.)

But you don’t have to couch this question in huge terms like “What do you want in life?” What do you want now? What do you love now? As you take these practical steps forward, perhaps you’re a person who loves to cook and eat good Mexican food. This doesn’t sound like a true calling at first. But think about it. When people discover their innate abilities and love something, they’re passionate about it in a powerful way. They’re good at it and want to share what they love with others. Maybe you make the best empanadas anybody’s ever eaten. Word spreads and you start cooking extras for friends. Somebody tells you about an old food truck they know is for sale. Next thing you know you’re in business and living a happy life.

For decades, if not centuries, chicken was just chicken until people learned how to fry it. And then, in 1930, along came Colonel Harland Sanders who began cooking fried chicken for customers pulling in at his service station in Corbin, Kentucky. One of the greatest role models in economic success, his years of culinary dabbling later produced his famous “secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.” By the time he sold Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1964, he had franchised over 600 outlets.

Deeper & Deeper

If the whole idea of thinking about finding a life purpose makes your head hurt, start out slow.

Level One:

Ask yourself what you love. Maybe it’s fitness and rollerblading. Maybe it’s video games. Ask yourself:

1) Is there a way I can turn my passion into a business? Maybe start a fitness rollerblading class? Start modding games online for free, building up a portfolio that might get me a programming job someday?

2) Do I love ___x___ enough to focus on it for years? How much does it light me up?

3) Can I see a path where if I start doing this one thing that I love, other opportunities might follow?

Level Two:

As a first step in this powerful process, if you’re comfortable doing so, ask yourself: “If I were allowed to have my life exactly the way I want it, what would that look like?”

  • Describe your living situation and set of goals. Where do you live? What is the environment that makes you feel comfortable and brings true joy? What does your important work make you feel like? Does it involve other people? Is it creative? Is travel involved? How much money are you making?

  • Write down the thoughts and feelings that come up when you think about these new ways of living. Consider creating a vision board to help visualize these goals.

  • If limiting family patterns show up—if you start hearing voices in your head saying things like “Working with your hands is demeaning,” or “Starting your own business is too dangerous,” write those limiting thoughts down. Remember, these thoughts are keeping you in your comfort zone.

  • Realize these are old family limits that you’re here to go beyond in a positive way! This is your next step toward a purposeful life.

Level Three:

Now you’re ready to explore your meaning of life with greater clarity. (If you want!) Keeping everything I’ve just said in mind, does “Find your purpose” now seem a little less scary? Do you have a new view of what “purpose” is? Let’s explore these following questions to gain a stronger sense of purpose:

  1. What thoughts, feelings, and actions pop up for me when I ask the question, “What is my purpose?” Consider how you might create a positive impact in the world.

  2. Take these simple steps and write them all down.

  3. Are many of the things that show up related to family patterns? Who else in your family system shares similar meaningful goals? Is it limiting or liberating?

  4. Is there something deeper and more personal arising? Are you getting the sense of a particular cause calling to you? Like “I feel a desire to help animals heal.” Or “I feel something inside me aching to be voiced.” Is it a creative prompt? To write? To make music? To paint? A pull to politics and activism?

The Secret Sauce

When you are investing in things or moving in directions that make you happy, this will grow you. As a result of personal growth and expansion, you will be more enthusiastic, engaged, and generous to those around you. 

Your expression of purpose may not be Earth shattering or huge, but if it springs from your heart and gut—from that place deep inside—your authentic self will emerge in the process of doing. And taking responsibility for growing into the most expanded version of yourself possible is a gift of inspiration to all those around you. It is also an adventure you may never have seen coming, filled with so much more than you imagined. 

And if there’s a family or social or religious pattern in you showing up right now whispering something like, “Isn’t it selfish to just do things that make me happy?” The answer is “No. It isn’t selfish. It’s highly philanthropic.” Because the bigger and happier you get, the more your happiness, generosity and excitement flow to others. You’re inspiring them to go for their dreams. In this way, the smallest happy-making endeavor on your part—making healthy organic dog treats for your own and others’ pets—becomes a genuine calling or big purpose that changes not just your own life, but the lives of others. In other words, finding your own happiness serves the world. And that is a great and much-needed purpose if I ever heard of one!

If you talk to any well-renowned specialist in their field, people who have gone the extra distance and accomplished remarkable things, if you ask them how they got started and what their initial motivation was, invariably they will tell you they were excited about something. An idea, a personal desire, a question grabbed and intrigued them. And the pursuit of answers made them happy. And then … their pursuit got bigger and their curiosity and excitement magnetized and helped others. They started making a difference in the lives of others. But the first truth was they pursued something that helped them to grow and feel fulfilled. And the more they expanded their personal pursuit, the more the benefits accrued and radiated outwards.

Still Blocked?

If you’ve read this far and still feel panicked around the whole “purpose” conversation, it is time to explore what is stopping you from focusing on doing something you really want and enjoy. 

  • When I ask “What is your purpose?” notice your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Write them down.
  • Are you allowed to have a purpose? If not, who said you couldn’t? 
  • Ask yourself whose purpose you have been living up until now?
  • Who would you be if you set down their purpose and invested in your own?
  • Do you understand that finding your own purpose serves the world?

From the lowliest to the most elevated positions in life, every single person has a purpose and can change their circumstances, but only when they choose to do so. Purpose is the antidote to being stuck or entangled in limiting family patterns. It contains the wings you are looking for. 

Explore your purpose and you will find the magic sitting in your own hands. It was right there all along, just waiting for you to see it. 

A Systemic Expert & Executive Coach, Judy Wilkins-Smith assists high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance by guiding them through and beyond hidden Emotional DNA patterns. Her books Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint and The Hidden Power in Your DNA are two exciting guides on your journey to purpose.

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How to Manifest Your Dreams Into Reality – Taking Your Emotional DNA to the Next Level 

how to manifest your dreams into reality

How to Manifest Your Dreams Into Reality - Taking Your Emotional DNA to the Next Level 

The Transformative Power of the Goal Setting Mind

I want you to write down your deepest desires – the dream you most want to see happen in your life. The one that maybe people think is crazy, but ignites your positive energy every time you think about it. Whether it’s your dream career or something else entirely, it may be small or humongous, but that doesn’t matter. It is yours and it really gets you pumped up toward your life of your dreams.

Now, let’s examine the anatomy of that dream through the power of visualization. What do you tell yourself about it? Do your positive thoughts tell you that you can do it? Do you spend your time planning how to make it come true? Or do you sit around thinking how it’s a nice idea, but your limiting beliefs are holding you back? Or maybe you have thoughts like, ‘I don’t have enough money or time to make it happen.’ Or maybe there’s a voice in your head saying things like, ‘Dreaming is for fools.’

Now that you have identified the voices in your subconscious mind, ask yourself where those thoughts came from. Who taught you that dreaming gets you where you want to go? Who taught you dreaming isn’t a smart idea? Do you notice the strong, positive outcomes supporting you in life? And if you’ve inherited not-so-positive family patterns and emotional DNA, are you aware of the strongly discouraging patterns? And if you are aware, did you know that the dreamer of dreams and the doer of dreams are separated by only one thing? And that one thing is taking inspired action?

I promise that if you start dreaming and doing—even taking small steps in the direction of your dream—you are going to start being the hero in your life instead of the onlooker. Don’t you know, the people who achieve their full potential and accomplish way more than the average person, started out as an average person just like you. The only difference is they went past emotional DNA patterns and invested in themselves. So, what does that look like?

Dreams of Adventure

I recently spoke to an elderly couple whose positive mindset keeps them traveling. It makes them feel alive and rejuvenated when they’re seeing new places and people. But they aren’t rich and travel is expensive. Every year they depend on building up a certain number of mileage points with a particular airline to qualify for companion tickets so they can fly two for the price of one. Near the end of the year, they were some points short of being able to qualify for a roundtrip companion ticket to China, which is where their greatest desires were leading them next. But they didn’t let this stop them.

They decided to create a couple domestic mini-adventure trips to visit family and friends—people they could stay with at low cost—to secure those points. Through hard work and determination, they not only secured the travel points needed for the flight to China, they got to see loved ones in the process. And their positive attitude helped them score enough points to travel two-for-one the whole year!

Now, many people would have approached this situation with negative thoughts, thinking it was too much effort to figure out how to get what they wanted—a common killer of adventures. However, this couple maintained such clear intentions and focused on their real life oriental adventure that they did what was required to secure what they wanted. When they got the notification from the airlines, not only were they a little awed at their own determination and accomplishment, so were their friends. (Did you know that studies show that awe is a health-inducing emotion? It’s true! The more we create positive experiences, the more we open our hearts and the healthier we become.)

This is highest level human functioning in action. By dreaming and then doing, not only are we creating a healthy mental health foundation, we’re activating the power of our thoughts to beam the light of possibility outwards to others, opening the door to change and growth for them as well. Everybody wins!

Making a Dream a Reality

Every single thing that you see in the world started with an idea that became a reality because someone used the power of manifestation to take it all the way. There is a very exciting world waiting for you to wake up and discover the possibilities. So, here we go with the necessary steps:

  1.  Identify and choose your dream or goal. In other words, it isn’t enough to simply identify it, you have to actively choose it with clear vision. You have to say “Yes!” to it.
  2.  Remember, it has to be big enough to make you stretch. Dreams are about expanding your capabilities and experiences, not maintaining them.
  3.  Trash your negative emotions. Yes, I’ve heard them all: Your parents are narcissistic. The people around you are mean. Your boss will never let you off work. You don’t have the money. You don’t know what you want. What if your dream doesn’t come true? Etcetera. Write all the excuses down and then throw them in the garbage, saying “Bye bye! Thanks for showing up. But I’m not listening to you anymore!”
  4.  Write down your dream and put it somewhere that only you can see it as part of your manifestation journey. (If you start to share your dream before you’re well on your way to making it happen, you may find that you lose interest thanks to the negative input of others.)
  5.  Commit to your dream or goal. This is something you don’t give up on. (Yes, I know there are times where one should give up, but mostly, you should not.) Some dreams may take longer than others, and that’s okay. Just be aware that the more elevated emotions you put into your dream—emotions like excitement, enthusiasm, and love—the more you are going to be willing to focus on the ideas and manifestation techniques that will get you there.
  6.  Don’t judge the size of the steps you take. Some steps will be big, and some will be small. As the Disney character Anna says in the film Frozen II: “I just have to do the next good thing.”
  7.  Be positively obsessed with your dream. In other words, love it with all your head, heart, and gut.
  8.  Feed it constantly by thinking about it. Fire up your imagination and see your future self doing what you dream of doing, smiling about it. This is partly how you fund it.
  9.  Put money aside. When a bonus comes in, dedicate at least half to your dream. (This is the other way you fund it!)
  10.  Don’t forget you are creating a different reality—something larger than your current reality.
  11.  Acknowledge your success at every step. All too often we brush our successes aside and rush to the next step. We fail to acknowledge the hero that got us to that first step along the right path, namely ourselves.
  12.  Harvest the lessons and the strengths you’ve gained. In other words, when you fulfill a dream, take time to notice and absorb how that feels. Write down what you’ve learned. Acknowledge the new you. Then use that to fuel the next dream.

Pro Tips:

  1.  If you can be of service to others, you will often find they reciprocate with good things that help you get closer to your dream.
  2. Sometimes smaller steps will unexpectedly lead to larger results and visa-versa.
  3. Once you have achieved your first dream, be very aware of what you said, felt, and did that was helpful in achieving your dream. This is a higher version of you and your emotional DNA. With positive self-talk and practice, not only will you achieve your dreams, but you will elevate yourself as a real-life hero in your own dream life.
  4. DO NOT stop creating dreams to achieve. You were born to grow, not to slow.

With each dream, as odd as it seems, know this: You are waking up. Through the manifestation process, you are activating your frontal cortex, opening your heart, and activating your inner compass, which is your gut. You are teaching yourself to live in harmony on this planet as a much higher being. The power of positive thinking has elevated your emotional DNA—which is something incredible to pass on as a legacy!

And finally, I cannot tell you enough how capable you are. I literally cannot. But you have to begin telling yourself that through positive beliefs and then concretize the reality by following your action plan, creating the steps that will take you to your wildest dreams and beyond. The world needs doers right now. If not now, then when?

It doesn’t matter if you’re one of our bright young people or if you’re approaching old age, your contribution—whatever it might be—matters. Everything you do makes a difference one way (improving conditions) or another (not improving conditions). Which do you choose? Remember, you are far more influential than you suspect. The magic happens when you become aware of that, and you engage with and commit to making a difference consciously.

For almost two decades, Judy has been assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, organizational teams and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance.

The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, Judy is passionate about visionary leadership and inspiring positive, accelerated individual and global change. For more information click here. 


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Changing Family Patterns: Being a change agent. If not you, then who?

changing family patterns

Changing Family Patterns: Being a change agent. If not you, then who?

In recent years, the definition of family has undergone some of the most significant changes in history. As we navigate this post-modern world, family life continues to evolve, presenting both challenges and opportunities for transformation. If you’re facing inherited patterns that limit your potential, you might wonder: who will be the catalyst for change in your family structure changes?

Family systems create patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions. In other words, emotional DNA. While some inherit patterns that lead to financial security and success, others struggle with cycles that have caused previous generations to suffer and fail. 

If you’re in the latter situation and feel stuck, thinking “Why me?” wondering who might rescue you, the simple (but often not easily accepted) answer is you. It is you who are actually there to get your family members unstuck from these patterns.

I know that sounds a little overwhelming, but a major change has to start somewhere. And if you’re facing a situation like this—whether the family pattern you’re wrestling with is money issues or intimate relationships or addiction issues or health issues, whatever—if you’re dreaming of a different life beyond these social pressures, then it’s you who are up to bat.

If not you, then who? Who will be the change agent? Are you going to go for it? Or leave it to your children to inherit and deal with an unhappy marriage or other challenges? And why shouldn’t you be the one to reap the rewards?

Making a difference

This is not about sacrifice and burden. Moving in the direction of your dreams and desires is what I’m talking about here – these recent changes that hold such high value for your future. And surely that’s enticing? The bonus is, once you start growing, the evolution of your entire family system is automatic. Any expansion on your part changes your emotional DNA—the thoughts, feelings, emotions and impulses that guide and sustain you, as well as the emotional DNA of those who came before you and those who will come after you in our modern society. In other words, when you change, others in your system change.

Here’s an example. I had a client who was alienated from her twin sister who was a highly successful CEO- a testament to the evolving role of women and educational attainment in our time. Both women today had achieved higher income levels, yet they had been fiercely competitive and pitted against each other by their parents all their lives. Even though their parents were long since deceased, the competition and animosity between them continued to keep them apart. But when my client finally saw the pattern and realized it was neither her fault nor her sister’s, before she could contact her sister to try to start building a new relationship, her sister reached out to her.

“It was the strangest thing,” she said. “I’d just had that breakthrough with you and determined to reach out to Gail over the following weekend. And 24 hours later she made one of those life-changing phone calls, crying, saying she had suddenly realized how stupid and awful our arguments were and not either one of our faults. She said she loved me and wanted to be closer. It was just what I’d been going to say to her!”

Quantum realities

This sounds really incredible and inexplicable until we begin to understand what modern science has been telling us about the nature of our world and how connected everything and everyone is. Over a time period spanning the twentieth century, Albert Einstein came along and taught that matter is actually energy. (E = mc2) Then quantum physicists, taking a closer look at our universe, studying “particles” that are really non-physical energy packets, discovered something called quantum entanglement. For example, experiments have proven that when two electrons come in contact with each other, their spin states become linked. In other words, for the rest of time, no matter how far apart these two electrons travel (even lightyears apart!), the actions of one electron instantaneously affect the other.

Labeled “spooky action at a distance,” by Einstein, entanglement is one explanation for how social groups change—and the people in them—when one member of the system makes a shift. We’ve seen a dramatic increase in understanding how social attitudes shift through this same principle. It may be subtle and not readily noticeable on the outside, but it does happen. Another possibility is the scientific theory that the universe is actually a gigantic hologram. 

One of the strangest characteristics of a hologram is that one pixel taken from a holographic image contains the entire image. Which is scientific evidence that the ancient mystical teaching that “the many is contained in the One” is true. Which means, it’s totally possible that in any given system, including a family system, all the information held by one member of the system is automatically available to other family members. And when one person changes, so does everything and everybody else in the system hologram.

Which is why it’s really sad that fewer people step up, sitting around, waiting for someone else in the family to be the change agent and show the way. If we don’t step up, not only do we miss out on a great adventure; not only do we miss out on living the life we’ve always dreamed of, unhindered by old social attitudes and limiting patterns. We miss out on helping others.

Sensing the fire within

Bottomline, we were not put on this Earth to suffer and play small. We were put here to seize the moment and make a difference–whether that’s advancing the position of women or pursuing romantic love. And it all begins with sensing the fire within that is our unique self and part of our unique nervous system. So, what do I mean by that? 

Think about a time when you really wanted to do something, like young adults seeking new homes and independence. When you were on the verge of taking a big, important step. You could feel the thrill and excitement couldn’t you? You could imagine the outcome and it filled your whole body with joy and anticipation. You might have had tears or goosebumps—always great indicators that you’re on the right track for you. But then what happened? 

Did old family patterns kick in? Did inner voices of doubt suddenly get very loud? Did they squash the creativity right out of you? To be the change agent you must move beyond all the excuses and really good reasons to stay where you are. It begins with sensing and following the fire within. So, how do you do that?

Step 1

If you don’t already know what your passion is, there are many ways to stir up inspiration – whether it’s pursuing a bachelor’s degree or challenging gender roles. Watch an inspiring movie, listen to a motivational speaker, dance to a stirring song. Find anything that makes you go, “Wow!” and groove with it. Imagine it’s you up on that stage, singing that song. Or you being the hero in that movie, saving the day. Imagination and inspiration are closer than you know. Both stimulate the higher emotions that open the door for change.

Step 2

Zero in on what gets you excited. It may be an injustice that you want to right. A difference you want to make. A joy you want to experience. An accomplishment you want to achieve. You will know it because it will inspire and excite you like nothing else. And then, instead of wishing, make it so. How?

Step 3

There’s a line from the recent Disney film Frozen 2 that’s applicable here, and I’m going to paraphrase it. The main character, Anna, finds herself all alone, abandoned and very frightened. Like many young women seeking their path, she reminds herself of something that her father taught her. And that is: All you need to do is the next right thing. That simple reminder puts her back in touch with who she is and what is possible and keeps her moving forward. She finds the fire within and moves in that direction.

So, once you’ve found your fire and passion, whether it’s pursuing a college education or another dream, the most important thing is to simply do the next right thing that will bring you closer to that goal. And it doesn’t matter how big or small that step is. You may not have the clearest goal right now, but that’s okay. Because all you really need to know is what is the next right thing that needs to happen to take you closer to your goal.

 Step 4

Once you find your fire and passion, you’ll have a greater likelihood of success if you commit to it with no excuses, but rather a sense of purpose, excitement, determination, and a clarity that says whatever it is you’ve chosen, it will happen. And if you waver, ask yourself “If not me, who? If not now, when?”

No more waiting

We are all yearning for a better world. If you turn around and look in the mirror, you will see the person standing in the wings, ready to help make this happen. And, if you think this couldn’t possibly be you, please look around. Notice everything around you. All the things you use in your home. 

Evey single one of those things began as a thought in somebody’s mind. They didn’t just wait for someone else to invent what they were thinking of, they did it themselves. This is how individual, family systems, community systems, and global systems grow. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re one of our bright young people or if you’re approaching old age, your contribution—whatever it might be—matters. Everything you do makes a difference one way (improving conditions) or another (not improving conditions). Which do you choose? Remember, you are far more influential than you suspect. The magic happens when you become aware of that, and you engage with and commit to making a difference consciously.

For almost two decades, Judy has been assisting high-performance individuals, Fortune 500 executives, organizational teams and legacy families to end limiting cycles and reframe apparent challenges into lasting breakthroughs and peak performance.

The Founder of System Dynamics for Individuals and Organizations, Judy is passionate about visionary leadership and inspiring positive, accelerated individual and global change. For more information click here. 

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Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Family tree, geneology

Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Most of us are concerned about limiting thoughts, emotions and actions—many of which are inherited—and we look for steps we can take to start breaking the family cycle. Yet, most of us don’t understand that genealogy gives us the tools to do so.

In traditional genealogy, aka Genealogy 1.0, we realize where we and the rest of our family belong in today’s world. For example, we get our DNA results back and learn that our family of origin is Norwegian Anglo Saxon with a hint of East Asian blood. Now we have a “place.” We have a history. But that is only the beginning of the story.

Unfortunately, Genealogy 1.0 tells us nothing about our emotional DNA—inherited of thoughts, feelings and actions that can sometimes end up as dysfunctional behaviors that unconsciously run our lives. It tells us nothing about our generational legacy of emotional issues and habits, our toxic patterns as well as our potentials. It fails to reveal how we can effectively deal with these issues, make positive changes to resolve inherited patterns in a healthy manner. It can’t do this because it’s all about our physical DNA, physical influences and physical relationships.

Breaking the family cycle

The good news is, by using what I call Genealogy 3.0 (Which includes what I call Genealogy 2.0—more on that step in another article) we can use genealogy and systemic work & constellations to deal with dysfunctional family issues and vicious cycles. How? Well, geneticists have discovered that traumatic events like earthquakes, floods, and other major earth changes, as well as sociopolitical events like wars, diasporas, and economic crashes, all have major emotional as well as physical impacts on the people who lived through them.

For example, the Holocaust, 9/11, Covid-19, the Great Depression, the stock market crashes of 1929 and 2008, wars, politics, women’s liberation, the tech revolution—you name it—the emotions experienced and the decisions made by our ancestors who lived through these events are often passed down to us epigenetically and culturally.

Some events can affect us for a long time—even for generations. But by using genealogical information, we can track the kinds of events that may have affected the nervous systems
of our ancestors (Genealogy 2.0) and come to an understanding about our own feelings and our positive as well as destructive behaviors, thus setting ourselves up to become a generational cycle-breaker.

In other words, genealogy can show us the emotional patterns and the dysfunctional ways our ancestors handled situations, allowing us to identify toxic behaviors. Then we use tools from systemic work & constellations to shift those bad behaviors and our mental health in the right direction

We are not victims of dysfunctional family cycles nor helpless to change them. We can take a different path and develop healthy ways of thinking, acting and living outside of our generational legacy.

Intergenerational trauma

So, let’s talk about behavior patterns and family cycles like alcoholism, abuse, criminal behavior, bankruptcy, divorce, early death, chronic ill health. How do those multigenerational dysfunctional behaviors in your family system affect you? Two ways: 1) You repeat the cycle, or 2) you decide that a different way is needed. Make no mistake, you are the decision maker. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions may be in response to an event within your family system, but you are still the one choosing the way that you will respond and devolve or evolve in the future.

You are far more capable than you imagine. Rather than being a victim of destructive habits born out of transgenerational trauma, you are in fact a co-creator of your reality and the cycles within your system. By looking at your genealogy and the events within it, you can see what is in your family system and begin to make conscious decisions about what you want to do with what’s there.

Intergenerational trauma

First off, it helps to think of yourself as a conscious, first-generation student of your family system. Be aware that this process of studying and shifting intergenerational trauma by examining your own feelings is going to take you out of your comfort zone. But pat yourself on the back and know you are taking the first step in the right direction by stopping a vicious cycle of dysfunctional ways and poor family relationships, not to mention making a difference in your own life.

The good news is that once you start establishing healthy boundaries by working with your emotional DNA, the members of your family that come after you can have an entirely different generational legacy.

Some simple steps to breaking cycles of transgenerational trauma in our family system include:

  • Being willing to look at issues without judgement
  • Being willing to shift patterns and behaviors without fear or resentment
  • Awareness that destructive habits are simply patterns waiting to be disrupted and created into something new
  • Understanding that your family system contains all the clues you need for an incredible life
  • Realizing that the only thing stopping you from enjoying a life you love may be the way you view your life and that of the rest of the family.
  • Make happiness and gratitude a part of your daily life

These simple steps begin to rewire the way you think, feel, and act. It may not happen in a single day, but the best adventures don’t. Your genealogy is your own personal adventure and it is a mighty one. You are a linchpin in all of this. Far from just inheriting an ancient history, you are the creator of the present and the future.

And please understand that not all inherited emotional DNA patterns are limiting. Some inheritable patterns—like resilience, determination, and a “can do” attitude—are extremely positive. Even if you have inherited limiting patterns of emotional DNA (and we all have!), you need to know that inherited negative emotional DNA patterns are neither destiny nor doom.

They are portals to possibility.

Dimensionalizing your family system

One of the best ways to get a handle on negative cycles, abusive behavior, and destructive habits in your family system is by creating something called a “constellation” which is a process of dimensionalizing your family of origin.

Constellations enable you to take your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc. and literally set them all out in front of you in such a way that you get to see, hear, touch, feel and walk through what goes on inside your system and inside your head by creating a physical, three-dimensional model of your family system or a particular issue within that system. So, here goes!

  • Get out a chess or checkers set and assign a family member to each piece.
  • Write down significant facts about each family member on a piece of paper and place it under the chess/checker piece you’ve assigned that person.
  • If you don’t have a game set, just use the pieces of paper with the person’s name written on it.
  • Arrange the chess piece/papers on the floor in a pattern that seems right to you, reflecting family dynamics. For example, maybe you place your parents far apart and different siblings near each parent. Or maybe “Dad” is closer to “Grandpa” (his father) than anybody else. Or maybe your parents are close, but you find yourself setting the papers for yourself and your siblings far out in left field.
  • There is no “wrong” way to arrange your family system as long the relationship spatially between the family members looks/feels right to you.
  • Step back and examine your family constellation.

Can you begin to identify patterns like emotional neglect, bad behaviors including abusive behavior and where and who these patterns flowed from?

  • Ask yourself how you are affected by each person. How are they a part of your life?
  • Don’t judge, just look.

The beauty about beginning to identify how and where negative patterns arise in a family system is that we can clearly see they didn’t start with us. We are not to blame. Nobody really is. Dysfunctional ways of acting and thinking are simply patterns that once upon a time helped an ancestor cope with a difficult situation/event. But now, three generations later, that coping pattern no longer works.

And remember, you also have inherited many empowering patterns. Don’t forget to write those down as well.

A good primer for looking at your life through a genealogical lens is my latest book, The Hidden Power in Your DNA, which takes a deep dive into Genealogy 2.0 and 3.0. Both incorporate systemic work and constellations, which are powerful tools for illuminating your genealogy and expanding your life.

For information about my November 2024 event “Vault from Fear to Freedom,” please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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What’s Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

what's your superpower

What's Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when I ask, “What’s your superpower?” I bet you immediately start thinking about all the superpowers you don’t have and wished you did, like x-ray vision, super strength, super speed, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and fly. Right?

And what would you say if I asked you “What are all those superpowers for?” What are all those popular Marvel superheroes here to do? Aside from entertain us? What is the main job Superman, Spider-Man, Black Widow, Super Girl, Captain America, Black Panther and all those other superheroes have? That’s right. They’re here to use all those personal attributes and individual strengths to make the world a better place. To help those in need. To stand up for what’s right. And you don’t need x-ray vision to accomplish that!

The simple act counts

Most of us have been taught to “Go big or go home.” That one’s biggest strength is media influence, having lots of money, or having “pull.” Kindness, compassion, and empathy are not seen as unique strengths or unique talents that are valuable. Sure, they might help you make a good impression, but in the context of your work, we’re taught “the race is to the swift and ruthless.” The only way the prize is won is if you’re operating at your full potential. It’s just the nature of the business.

And yet, this is really not true. People who have truly succeeded in life and in business have done so—not because they had some type of superpower—but because they have discovered their unique strengths and maximized them. This is not a nice idea it is a fact. Let me give you a specific example.

Taking a leadership role

The current CEO of Disney, Bob Iger, didn’t get to such a leadership role because he had super speed and super strength. And he didn’t get there just because he was good at team building and was consistently able to pull a lot of creative solutions to problems out of his back pocket. Bob is legendary for many reasons, but not just those. He started working at ABC network doing menial labor on sets because he just knew he wanted to be part of the entertainment industry. He was committed to this dream and determined to do whatever it took to get where he wanted to go.

In his early years at Disney, he was known for his willingness to do whatever work it took to get a project done. He also stood out because of his kindness and genuine interest in listening to team members at all levels in every kind of job around him, finding common goals and building on them. Today, when Iger does a walk-about through Disneyland, employees stop him just to talk and share. People naturally are drawn to gather around him. Because of his care, his vision and expansive thinking, the company has grown exponentially during his tenure as CEO.

So, what are Iger’s own superpowers? What got him to the top? It wasn’t super strength and the ability to bend iron monkey bars with his bare hands. It was commitment. Determination. Kindness. The ability to listen. Vision. Expansive thinking.

What are your individual strengths?

What about you? Looked at this way, what are your superpowers? And don’t tell me you don’t have any. Everybody has unique talents and individual strengths. We just sometimes need the x-ray vision to see deep inside ourselves! And here’s some quick advice: most people when asked to give a specific example of one of their superpowers default to false modesty and start mentally trash talking themselves, citing all the reasons their personal attributes are not so special and that what they know and do don’t matter much.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Exactly who you are is what is needed in this world! Just turn the light on! Look around you! There are people everywhere with perfectly ordinary jobs who do incredibly well. Why? Because they employ their individual strengths to maximize their situation. They bring enthusiasm and participation to the table, even when they are scared or tired.

Have you ever watched how some waitstaff or valet parking attendants make way more money than their colleagues do in tips? Pay attention. Their star method is often just being really present with their customers. The simple act of a direct genuine smile does wonders. Or the simple act of a genuine compliment. When humans feel seen, they are inclined to reward those who make them feel special. These people do well because they have the super strength of adding value by valuing others.

In terms of Systemic Work & Constellations, people who take a leadership role (And yes, you can take a leadership role even as a parking attendant) are capitalizing on two systemic principles: belonging and the balance of give and receive. They make other people feel like they belong on this Earth and that they’re valuable. And this does more than make a good impression. It’s a gift. Their super strength is in their giving. And then they are well rewarded. That’s just how life works.

I once had a very wise teacher who asked me a long time ago, “When you recognize that 90 percent of people in the world are shy, can you find it in your heart to be kind? And, if you can, can you do it a lot?” Those questions changed my life. I knew I could be kind and I knew I should be, and that stayed with me. Now I am proud to claim kindness as one of my own superpowers.

Find your type of superpower

It’s time for you to get beyond your limiting thoughts about yourself. It’s time to reframe your unique strengths as your own superpowers and activate them. So, how do you do that?

The best way to find your own superpowers is to take a simple index card or some sticky notes and write down a specific example of the things you like about yourself on each one. Maybe it’s being upbeat. Maybe you notice things that others don’t. (Maybe you’ll be a great detective someday!) Maybe you have a flare for color. Or for making people feel at ease. There is always something, even if it is small.

Once you have identified your own superpowers, ask yourself: “Do I ever try to minimize these superpowers of mine? Do I downplay them? Think they’re nothing?” And if the answer is “Yes,” I guess from now on you won’t do that. Will you?

The other best way to find your own superpowers is the positive things people say about you.

Write down everything you remember that people have said about you, the talents you have or the character traits they admire. And if you can’t recall, go ask them! Ask your friends and family members what they admire about you. What they see are your unique strengths. And take good notes.

Write down each specific example of your unique talents and then put the list where you see it everyday. Now, ask yourself: “How can I maximize these unique strengths of mine?” In the context of your work, think about how these personal attributes can make a difference.

And then start doing these things! Take action! And if you find yourself reluctant and scared to do this, remember: You are not at risk when you are in service to others. Being in service makes us brave and also brings great rewards. And if you can flip your mindset to focus in on your individual strengths instead of your flaws, you may find yourself overcoming years or even generations of unfulfillment. In other words, you are changing your emotional DNA.

Not everybody has x-ray vision, but if you take what you do have all the way—the sky is not the limit.

I look forward to showing you how to release your Fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

How to heal ancestral trauma

How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

Traumatic events affect all of us at some point in our lives triggering emotional responses and negative emotional patterns that then affect our physical DNA. This then gets passed down to future generations, showing up as inherited negative emotions and unwanted patterns of behavior. In this blog learn how to heal ancestral trauma with the power of Genealogy.

Ancestral Trauma

Most of us don’t recognize the depth of our links to the traumas within our family lineage and previous generations. Quite unconsciously, we repeat hidden patterns and negative emotions in our daily lives while at the same time developing unconscious loyalties to these patterns and the people who set them in motion long ago. We literally relive versions of unresolved traumas and sadness that occurred in prior generations. 

For example, let’s say a great-grand-parent suffered some lingering disease that set in motion a pattern of ill-health as well as a caretaking pattern in the family. Three generations later half the family always seems to be sick or marrying people who get sick or find themselves in stressful situations while the other half always seem to be loyally trapped in caretaking roles. Patterns like these obviously become barriers to emotional well-being and any possibility of greatness. It is as though effector patterns, once started, can’t stop. 

Negative emotions around finances are another commonly inherited family pattern in our ancestral lineage. Who knew that there was such a thing as money DNA? Not only do we inherit our money mindsets and basic emotions interacting with money from our family system, but also from our culture. Both play an important role setting up views in our minds as young adolescents about the rightness or “wrongness” of money and wealth. 

This is also amplified by religions that inspire negative emotional reactions to having money and “too much filthy lucre.” Then this ancestral/cultural meta-pattern creates life experiences of misery, chronic stress and psychological trauma around money, assets, investments, career decisions, you name it.

There is a hidden power in your DNA, and you are part of a multi-generational internet—a web of ancestral information is contained within you. In other words, your family system connects you to everything that has happened to you and your lineage. These past events include natural disasters, diasporas, genocides, slavery, sexual abuse, and gender discrimination. 

Even though many of these things have been experienced in the lives of ancestors, we experience the feelings and thoughts of our forefathers and mothers as they went through these past traumas as a part of our nervous system. We are literally repeating versions of the life paths of those who came before us instead of living our own life. 

Unlock Your Hidden Potential with a Breakthrough Discovery in Genealogy

Coming from difficult circumstances doesn’t mean you can’t have a better life. While ancestral traumas can create triggers, the good news is they can also ignite possibilities. And some really good news is that there is a healthy way to start healing ancestral trauma using genealogy. Genealogy allows us to hone in on painful emotions and the patterns that create them. 

The following sets out a healthy way to deal with ancestral trauma patterns and our past ancestral connection.

First Step: Be willing to look at negative emotional responses flowing from inherited patterns. 

Ask yourself:

  • Where do I come from? What kind of family dynamics have been in play? 
  • What other family member or members share my negative emotions? Who else experiences the same kind or similar physiological responses to those emotions?
  • What kind of actual problem or unwanted behaviors have these negative emotions created?
  • What would freedom from these unwanted behaviors and emotions look like to me? Feel like?  

Now, let’s look at historical traumas through a systemic lens. Using genealogy, we are able to see how traumatic experiences and the emotional decisions made about those events by relatives in the past may affect us and some of our family members, impacting our own childhood experiences and coloring our adult world. 

Step two: Consult your genealogical history and ask yourself the following:

  • Looking at my genealogical chart, what kind of events and stressful situations could have happened in my family’s past that might have set these negative emotional patterns into motion?
  • Were there wars? Famines? Political unrest? Natural disasters? Pogroms? 

Step three: Systemic work and constellations is all about dimensionalizing our patterns by seeing not only what’s inside our family system, but all the ways these negative patterns are affecting us.

  • Get into the present moment and dig deep into your emotional state. 
  • Now, write down three ways in which these ancestral patterns and old painful emotions have you stuck and how that makes you feel. 

Step four: Considering how you feel and looking at your family history, ask yourself”

  • “Given my background, what is a big leap forward that I would like to make?” 
  • Make it real. Make your desire come alive in your mind. 
  • What positive changes do you want to experience? What positive outcome sets your mind and heart on fire?

Once we start looking at our potential instead of focusing on the old feelings, old actions and old outcomes, we are able to create new choices and new pathways. Yes, of course, the old patterns, the old mental states, the old emotional responses tug at us. The way to look at this is to see what was and give it its place. 

Family patterns are set in motion in response to tough situations in the past. Your ancestors did the best they could escaping the pogroms or the wars or the famines and political unrest. Now it’s time for you to set new healthy patterns in motion and experience freedom and fulfillment. 

Step five: Now comes the actualization part. 

  • Write down three new thoughts, feelings, or actions you can take to get you moving towards you desired positive outcome. 
  • How does each of these actions and/or thoughts and feelings make you feel? 
  • Don’t judge what comes up. And don’t think any action or thought is too small. A step is a step is a step, and a series of steps takes you into a whole new reality. 

Now, instead of being burdened by negative emotions, old emotional responses and even old physiological responses, you have rewired your neural pathways and autonomic nervous system for positive changes. Your primary emotions have shifted and your emotional well-being is activated.

Step six: Discover your superpower. 

 Your superpower is the aspect or aspects of your character that will get you all the way out of being stuck and into creation mode. It’s the thing that will help you actualize your new thoughts, feelings and actions. And let me say upfront, a superpower isn’t about leaping tall buildings in a single bound or exhibiting super strength. 

It’s often the simplest thing … like being kind. Or being the sort of person who always finishes what they start. Or perhaps you have the knack of being a good listener. Or you’re a natural “connector,” always putting people and situations together.

Understanding your superpower(s) will give you a big boost in self confidence when you put it together with your dreams and see how you can make them happen.

Honor Past Emotional Experiences

One very important thing to be aware of when healing multigenerational trauma is that you are not trying to forget the past. And you’re not making it bad and wrong. Instead, you are finally giving the past its place rather than becoming entangled in it. Great-grandpa did the right thing quitting his medical career to stay home to caretake his ailing wife. But that was then and this is now.

When we begin to use genealogy in a whole new way—when we use it not just to understand physical health patterns and physiological attributes, but rather as a tool to access information about events that may have initiated emotional and behavioral responses in our ancestors that were then passed own to us—we begin to understand that every one of us counts. That we, by desiring a different life or different emotions and new experiences, are literally potential solutions and highways to a new reality. 

Changing the world

Can you imagine how this world would change if we did this kind of work as a collective? Like individuals, nations and ethnic groups are also subject to ancestral patterns and collective trauma. When we look at issues like slavery, we often see where an entire group of people is trapped in what we call a systemic trance. In other words, sometimes millions of people are trapped in a pattern of inherited pain and suffering called a “meta-pattern.” 

In this case, the pattern is a pattern of abuse and low self-esteem, self-hatred and judgment of self and others. Nationalism is another kind of meta-pattern where a collective of people can be, quite literally, hypnotized into a belief in their racial superiority or goodness.

These trances or systemic loyalties can and often do create wars. Each side is fighting to protect its personal history rather than seeking to advance its future. So, how do we get that to change? It is crucial to answer this question for future generations to evolve. Here are some guidelines:

First, it is important to acknowledge what is and to be curious rather than to judge. This pulls us out of survival mode and emotional responses and into a more sacred space where there is a place for all and the possibility for evolution. Ancestral healing work enables us to disentangle events and even the most complex situations by simply looking and acknowledging what is in the present moment, then reimagining and creating anew. 

Once we are willing to move beyond our preconceived and often well-defended thoughts, feelings, and actions, we are able to gain a completely new perspective. Instead of looking at how we are being impacted and victimized, we can create positive change and meaningful impact. If we allow something to shift in us, something shifts for us and for others. 

This kind of approach is what often creates deep shifts in humanity. And every single one of us is capable of creating multiple shifts in many directions. 

What negative meta-pattern is dragging the world down that you would like to see change? Using the steps you just learned, how would you go about helping create that change? Write out your thoughts, feelings, and actions around it. Go for it! 

I look forward to showing you how to experience meaningful change and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

let go of fear

How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

How do we let go of fear? The first step is to acknowledge that we are afraid. This is not a bad thing, in fact, saying how we are genuinely feeling is a very good thing indeed. In systemic work we call this “acknowledging what is.” When you can look even the most awful negative things in the face and acknowledge that it simply is the way it is, you then experience freedom to make a different choice and take new steps. This is the pivot point for all changes in our lives.

Acknowledging what is, is often the first step that allows us to step into the present moment.  We stop with our inner excuses or avoidances. This is often the first time we are able to let go a little of the harmful fears of failure. We are able to create space between us and that all-consuming fear monster. Once we fully acknowledge what is, that buzzy feeling in our heads or queasy feeling in our stomachs, or perhaps even an inability to breathe easily start to subside. This is a clear indication that we are starting to let go of fear.

It is helpful to take a deep breath and do a minute or two of breathing exercises once you’ve achieved this. After all, you’ve just run an internal marathon and crossed a finish line.

New Things

The interesting thing is, when we achieve this state we are teaching our bodies to move from stress to joy and peace. In this state our hearts can open, our gut is able to relax, and our brain can begin working clearly and thinking new thoughts. The good thing about taking such a courageous step consciously is that it gives us a little bit of space away from old habits.

Now, quite frankly, the best way of opening our minds and hearts to possibility is by focusing on what we want. The more excited we can be about our goals, the more courageous we are able to become. Then we can start setting the goals to get us to the first step, and then the next step, and then the next, and so on until we arrive at the place where we can experience freedom and inner peace.

But there is something important to understand about fear. It isn’t there to terrorize us. One of the amazing things about fear is that it is a signal from our nervous system that something needs to change. So, next time you experience anxiety, rather than being triggered into a negative emotion or tailspin of fear and anxiety, notice that what you’re experiencing is simply a strong clue for a need for a change. How elegant is that?

If you experience anxiety, have panic attacks or struggle to let go of harmful fears of failure, those clues may well have their roots in your genealogy or in the events in your own life that have shaped your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The minute you say “Yes” to new things and make that change irresistibly exciting, you will find your way past all your concerns about an uncertain future along with your excuses and limitations that have kept you stuck. Let me give you a quick example of how this works.

Stretch Yourself

Let’s say that you want to go on vacation. And not just any vacation. You want to do something that’s a bit special or that seems slightly adventuresome. A vacation that inspires your sense of freedom and wonder. (Wonder, by the way, is a good thing for growth!) You’ve always wanted to fly, and you know of a nearby paragliding retreat place up in the mountains.

People tell you that you’re crazy, and you find yourself terrified to take the first step to make it happen. Friends tell you all the negative things that could possibly happen going so far beyond the social norms for someone your age. However, you keep having this strong desire to fly beyond your normal day-to-day life. It may not make a great deal of sense to you, but for once you ignore the naysayers. In a way you are on a secret journey and can sense the stretch your spirit needs.

Soaring over the mountains on your paragliding adventure, there’s an enormous feeling of accomplishment. A sense of strong confidence fills you as you move into a different dimension. It’s a good thing called expansion and it moves you beyond the norms and limitations of your daily life and into a new space. Your courageous movement embracing new ways got you here. Who knows how far you will fly from here?

Choice and Courage

Limitations are always coupled to possibilities. For a large part of our lives, our fear of change keeps us unaware of wonderful possibilities. Our natural instinct is to cling to the fears that we use to frighten ourselves … until the day we don’t.

When you hear about someone doing something extraordinary, it simply means that they chose to do something different and kept choosing it all the way to success. This takes two things. Choice, and the courage to act on that choice..

In systemic work and constellations, we dimensionalize (set up in 3D) the fear you have, so that you can see it and interact with it. By making the negative things conscious and the invisible visible, we are able to bring our fear to the surface, take a deep breath, engage with it and create breakthroughs from fear to freedom.

For example, “Joan,” a client of mine, had an inexplicable fear of success. She was quite sure if she made it to the top it would spell her downfall. She couldn’t explain why, but she knew that once the got what she wanted she was destined to lose everything.

There was no rational explanation for her fear. She was driven to succeed, and she’d put in long hours to reach a top spot in her company. Yet as soon as success arrived, she found herself in the middle of worry-filled days, harmful fears of failure, and panic attacks that made her unable to function properly at work. She was caught between what she wanted and what she thought would destroy her.

In a constellation session, Joan remembered that her grandmother had told her that her success on stage as an actress had been her downfall. That she lost her husband—the love of her life—because her fame was his breaking point. When he left, she fell apart and her career faltered, leaving her ruined.

Can you see how Joan’s genealogy and ancestral DNA is coloring her life? That emotional event is long over. But because the negative emotion from that experience was never processed by her grandmother or her mother, it had echoed down to her—an ancestral pattern asking to be seen, debriefed and released.

Breakthrough

Power of Now by Eckert Tolle, he invites you to stay in the present moment because that is the space where amazing things can occur.

I invited Joan to pick representatives for each member of her family. (This act in itself can be a key to change. The very act of setting up your fear where you can see it creates shift and movement.) Next, I invited her to take a deep breath and really look at the family pattern in front of her. (It’s interesting to observe when and how quickly we hold our breath. It’s a natural instinct when we experience anxiety or we’re on the edge of a breakthrough.)

She found herself suddenly in tears, seeing her grandparents and understanding the event and resulting emotional-behavioral patterns that had run in her family, leading to her peculiar type of fear. She described it as a veil lifting. She could see three generations of women, all with a strong appetite for success and a deep fear that it would cost them everything as it had her grandmother. 

Finally, understanding where the fear had come from, it hit her like a ton of bricks that she had a choice to either repeat her grandmother’s fate, or turn the emotional DNA around and embrace the success her grandmother, grandfather, and even her mother, had not been able to accept. She then found herself able to step beyond her fear of failure for the very first time.

The minute we gather the courage to lean in and see what’s running the show is the moment change takes place. Not only do we move from fear to self-confidence, but we also take a giant leap forward from survival to adventure. Once we experience our deepest fear in a larger context outside of our mind, we can let go of fear and step into true freedom.

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Release Inherited Emotional Patterns with Genealogy

Emotional Patterns

How to Release Inherited Emotional Patterns with Genealogy

Genealogy has long played an important role in the lives of people around the world. We understand where we came from and how we belong, and that gives us a sense of lineage, community, and place. We understand why we look the way we do and have certain physiological predispositions for physical health and disease because of our physical DNA. But all of this tells us nothing about our emotional patterns.

There has always been a suspicion that our ancestral past has a lot more to tell us about our emotional well-being and how we act in our daily lives than we know. Yet until the present moment, there haven’t been any good reasons to believe those feelings were anything but suspicions.

However, I have made a breakthrough discovery that allows you to gain personal insights and unlock your hidden potential by linking your genealogy and genetic information to your emotional-behavioral patterns. We now have a breakthrough in genealogy. We now have a way to understand unwanted behaviors at a deep level—mental states and negative emotional patterns that influence why we succeed and fail in various areas of our lives—by using our genealogical information.

Effector patterns

Not only do you inherit your physical DNA, you also inherit patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions that were generated by decisions made by your ancestors about events that occurred in their lives. Each decision generated thoughts, feelings, and actions that resulted in outcomes that in turn affected subsequent generations—patterns I refer to as your Emotional DNA.

All it takes is for one family member to experience a significant event in their daily life—say a fire that destroyed the family home and all personal possessions— for negative patterns or positive behaviors to emerge out of that event. These emotional reactions create a cascading effect. The decisions and assumptions that were made by your ancestors and the conclusions that were drawn as a result of a traumatic event are often responsible for creating systemic patterns that operate in our family systems.

Let’s take the given situation of a house fire for example. Negative emotional patterns arising from that event can take on multiple appearances. One ancestor might develop a flight response to any sort of open flame. Two generations later you wonder why nobody in your family enjoys outdoor cooking, camping and bonfires. Another negative expressive response could be the development of a belief that “Nothing lasts” or “You can’t count on anything being there when you need it.”

Perhaps an irresponsible mental pattern of “carpe diem”—live for the day—begins to flow through the psyches of many family members.  Instead of relating to people, situations and personal possessions in a healthy way, they blow through money, houses, jobs, and relationships, letting things and people slip through their fingers. After all, “It might all be gone tomorrow.” Why try to hold on?

Positive behaviors and positive emotional patterns resulting from the same event might be the development of resilience and the ability to bounce back from anything.

Neural pathways

Our reactions to events generate neural pathways that can either limit or liberate members of our family system. The science of epigenetics shows that if emotional experiences affect us deeply enough, they can affect subsequent family members for generations. Knowing your genealogical history can thus unlock a world of insights and possibilities for the individual. It gives you a way to understand your sometimes inexplicable negative emotions, emotional responses, and even your physiological responses to life experiences. It also explains why you are drawn to certain partners, careers, experiences, cultures, and so many other aspects of your life.

For example, have you ever wondered why you need two of everything or have an obsessive need to not waste? You can likely thank your great-grandparents and the Great Depression for that one. And what about your painful emotions based in stressful situations with money? Who in your family lineage made a bold financial move and lost it all? And now you sit in fear of taking risks of any kind and struggle with the inability to see opportunity when it arrives on your doorstep.

When we feel ourselves overwhelmed by emotional-behavioral patterns it is not uncommon to find a prior family member who has experienced something similar. In other words, we are now out of the present moment and repeating the emotional experiences of someone else’s life. How wild is that! And yet I see it all the time. Studies show that we are more frequently repeating history than we are present and living our own lives.

Autonomic nervous system

In systemic work and constellations, we recognize that living our own lives begins when we are fully present, laying down the burdens that don’t belong to us, yet respecting our genealogy. Instead of going into fear-based thoughts and a state of inherited overwhelm when we get triggered, we begin to realize that there are good reasons for the emotional patterns in our lives.

The good news is that there are now increasing ways to explore unwanted behaviors in a healthy way. Rather than being embarrassed or ashamed of painful emotions, jealous reactions, or failure, it’s important to realize that often all these things are not all on you. You may well be tapping into the nervous system and emotional patterns of your family.

When you realize this—the response/emotional reaction that was once a solution to a problem that has now become a problem for you, can be set down or transformed. The next humongous evolution is that once you understand that your experiences may not be your experiences, you are able to rewire your brain. Which means you will actually able to finally have an original thought and an original experience. In fact, you may just be able to find out who you are for the first time as an individual and what you are capable of achieving.

Questions to ask to release inherited emotional patterns

  • Where did your negative emotions come from?
  • Which ones cause you the most pain and perhaps even cause physiological responses?
  • Does another family member exhibit similar negative patterns?
  • When you focus on these patterns and negative emotions what (and who?) has no room to grow in your daily life?
  • What would you like to love?
  • How would you like to be?

The last two questions often take people by surprise and bring them into the present moment. They have to think about their current emotional state and then choose what they might like to experience instead. By doing this I am linking them to their genealogy in order to identify where the flow of joy and success may have stopped and how they might restore it.

The next step is: Think about your own genealogy. What objective experiences (events) have your ancestors experienced that have created subjective experiences and decisions for you? Let me give you an example: Let’s say you have an inexplicable fear of traveling. Anything outside of your local environment causes you distress. There’s a part of you that would love to see the world but for you that brings up terror which makes no sense for you. 

Asking “What would you like to love? And how would you like to be?” triggers the answers: “I would love to see new and even strange places. I would like to feel free to explore!”

The genealogy chart of the person above reveals that their great-grandparents on their mother’s side were forced out of their home in Russia in a pogrom. They were beaten and almost died. They traveled to three different countries before they found a place to settle, each worse than the last. They had no friends for a long time and formed a very tight, safe, family unit.

Immediately you can see where the fear comes from. You can see how back in the day, safety was important. But now it has outgrown its usefulness. Body and mind yearn for more freedom. The past event is past. It has lived in the bodies and minds of three generations and now it is time for something else.     

Exercise:

1) Write down a pattern that lives in you that runs in your genealogy—a pattern/habit that you would like to change.

2) Looking at that pattern ask yourself:

  • What triggered this genealogical pattern in me?
  • Who else in my family was or is like this?
  • What is the common factor?
  • How do I feel connected to them? Does this pattern give me a sense of belonging/comfort/shared unhappiness?
  • What was/is the payoff for staying that way?
  • What would happen if I chose something different?

3) Now ask:

  • When I am this way what do I not have space for in my heart?
  • What is the antidote for this?

4) Take two pieces of paper. On one write: Family + family pattern. On the other write: The antidote. Place both pieces of paper far apart on the floor.

  • Face your family + family pattern and tell them how you feel. (In the above example the feel was safety + limitations + )
  • Really feel your emotional reactions. Really feel the pull of your pattern and its basic emotions.
  • Thank it for coming to you to change it and ask for its support.
  • Turn around so you can feel it at your back and feel that support
  • Face the antidote and name it. (In the above example the antidote was )
  • See how close you can move to that piece of paper as you name it and see if you can say a full “yes” to it.

You want to make sure that you feel what you are saying. This is very important. Emotions drive motion and keep you engaged. You are now consciously wiring new neural pathways into your thinking brain and that plays an important role in establishing positive changes and changing that genealogical pattern. You are also changing basic emotions.

The more you embrace the new direction with new thoughts that feel good and cause positive changes the more affect yourself and others in a healthy way.  Positive thoughts create positive behaviors. Essentially you are creating new emotional DNA and that is very good news. You are becoming the change agent you were born to be.  

A final thing to remember as you disentangle from a genealogical pattern is this: The pattern came to you to inspire growth and emotional intelligence. It is not a burden. It is a gift and always part of your purpose.  

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

Emotional DNA
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How to Release Fear & Fear DNA – Simple Steps

how to release fear

How to Release Fear & Fear DNA - Simple Steps

As humans, most of us are not particularly inclined to watch horror movies. (Although almost 64 percent of US adults aged 30 to 44 say they like or even love the horror movie genre!) Even so, most of us have fear-based thoughts all the time, telling ourselves worst-case scenario horror stories all day long about ourselves, our lives, and our prospects.

“You’re going to run out of money and wind up on the streets.” Or “You’re too stupid to get that promotion.” Or “The person you love the most is going to meet a tragic ending as soon as they set foot out of the apartment.” Or “Everybody hates you and you are going to be all alone, forever.”

These are just a few of the anxious thoughts we indulge in on a daily basis—inner monsters triggering stress hormones that can run the show and frighten us witless. Driven by an over-arching fear of the unknown, the language and tone of our inner thoughts tend to be exaggerated, inflated, and over dramatic. We wouldn’t say such things out loud. But we keep thinking them. And the emotional response they produce and the actions we take around them feel very important and real.

Fear DNA

Fear-based thoughts tend to shift with the generations, and what sounds silly to one generation makes perfect sense if we zoom out and take a look at the whole family system and its events, decisions and consequences. Every generation faces different challenges and has different ways of looking at life events and different coping mechanisms.

Our inner language, including our fear-based thoughts, often reflects multigenerational language around issues not resolved in prior generations, language that contains clues to the places where we are stuck as well as the clues to the next level of expression. For example, you may come from a wealthy family and yet experience fear around money, thinking things like “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Or “Money can’t buy everything.” Or “More money, more problems.”

We call this inner language your systemic language, and no one is immune. Not the smallest among us nor even the titans of industries. We all have fearful thoughts that drive or plague us, until we recognize them for what they really are—clues from the past showing how our ancestors thought about things; clues we can use that show us where we are stuck and how we can shape futures we desire.

Emotional Experience

We often feel deeply that fearful thoughts and feelings belong to us and are inescapable, but systemic work, constellations and epigenetics indicate otherwise. When we look at family history, we often find that the inner monsters—our habit of focusing on the worst-case scenario or our fear of failure—began with a limiting decision an ancestor made about an event.  

For example, a wealthy great-grandfather takes a chance on a good prospect and loses most of his money. He vows not to ever take a gamble of any sort ever again. He tells himself that he was stupid and reckless and becomes filled with excessive worry about money. He feels ashamed and embarrassed and develops a fear of rejection. He tells his children not to ever gamble or take a chance. He tells them if they do they will lose everything. 

Three generations later, a great-grandson is offered the opportunity and investment of a lifetime. It is a no brainer, and yet he cannot bring himself to participate. He finds himself in survival mode with skyrocketing stress levels, believing he will lose it all just like his great-grandfather did. The investment takes off and he realizes that this extreme risk aversion that was once a solution for his ancestor is the very thing that is now hurting his family. What was once a solution is now a problem and it’s time to get help.  

This is a good example of how fearful thoughts, fearful feelings, common fears, and survival response are passed on. The original ideas are designed to keep us safe, but the message keeps traveling through the generations until it turns into a problem.  Once we recognize the thought patterns and their source, however, we can change the fearful thoughts anytime we want to. We can do a 180.  

Attaining Emotional Freedom

One of the main ways we can experience a turnaround of fearful thoughts, stressful situations, and all the painful emotions accompanying these things is by realizing that the negative patterns of thoughts that have been running the show do not belong to us. They are ancestral patterns that we have inherited.

Using the above example, I would ask the client to verbalize his fear around investing and ask him about his grandfather’s and father’s language about money and investing. (Or about other ancestors and their language around money.) As soon as the client sees where the originating event happened and gets that the fearful thoughts, negative difficult emotions and unwanted behaviours do not belong to him, I would invite him to recognize where that fear belongs, and then literally hand the negative emotional patterns back to the person they originally belonged to.

The next step involves the client imagining what he would really like to do, how he would like to be instead of acting out the old negative emotional patterns. He might recognize that where his great-grandfather had no access to information, he now does. He can do due diligence where his great-grandfather could not. He can hire wise financial advisors. Finally, the client voices the new options and choices that he has decided upon.

The Pivot Points

There are two pivot points that occur when shifting anxiety disorders and common fears. The first occurs when the person acknowledges that this pattern is damaging and does not belong to him or her. We call this “acknowledging what is.” The second pivot happens when s/he recognizes that s/he can do things differently and that, indeed, the family system will be better off if s/he does something different. Sometimes permission is needed from the ancestors for the client to move forward into a happier life. There is often a sigh of relief or a smile or perhaps tears when this is done. There may be insight and compassion for those who came before the client or a movement in the direction of a new opportunity.

Dealing with Common Fears

Unfortunately, excluding excessive worry, fearful thoughts, and anxiety symptoms from your life is not an option. In all systems and situations, what we exclude creates a pattern that expands and repeats. In other words, what we resist persists and grows. I often ask participants at my events to actually thank the monsters in their lives (and in their heads). Even fearful thoughts have purpose. They are often treasures in disguise—pain points that push us to pay attention to what isn’t working and then grow.

When you can acknowledge the purpose of even your deepest fear and thank it, then you can use fear as motivation to do better than those who came before you. Once the monsters have been seen, acknowledged and included, they can quiet down. The pattern has been seen and their purpose pivots from acting as a signal into becoming a portal of possibility—the opportunity to do something different.

Systemic Questioning Exercise

  • Think about a time when you have wanted to do something new or exciting and identify the fearful thoughts that have stopped you from trying.
  • Write down your deepest fear(s), any fear response and the uncomfortable feelings, and physical symptoms they produced.

 Now ask yourself the following questions:

  • When did these feelings first begin for you?
  • What was happening in your life at the time?
  • What did you make these fearful thoughts mean about you?
  • What did you make them mean about others?
  • Does anyone in your family have a similar pattern?
  • Did their anxiety symptoms begin for them at roughly the same age as they did for you?
  • Was there a triggering event?
  • Have you always felt this way?
  • Do these fearful thoughts belong to you, or did they begin with someone else?
  • What actions have you taken around these fearful thoughts?

Create a Constellation Around Your Deepest Fear

Constellations are a three-dimensional process that enables you to take your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc. and literally set them all out in front of you in such a way that you get to see, hear, touch, feel and walk through what goes on inside your system and inside your head.

You can do the following exercise at home using index cards, paper, Post-it Notes, whatever takes your fancy.

Issue Constellation

  • Write your deepest fear (for example “fear of failure”) on an index card or piece of paper.
  • Create a separate card/paper for every family member
  • Write your own name on a card/paper

Place the cards on the floor in an open area—or on a table top if you don’t have room—in any sort of arrangement that feels right to you and just notice the way the cards are placed.

  • Who is close to you and who is further away?
  • Who is closest to your fear? You? Other family members?
  • What does it feel like to see your “issue” out in front of you like this?
  • Stand on your own card and look around. What do you notice? What do you feel? Are any emotions coming up around your fear? Any insights?
  • Really take the time to listen to your thoughts and feel your feelings. 

It is quite amazing the kind of information that can be gleaned from being able to literally see and walk through the energetic relationships involved around a specific issue. Once you can experience your deepest feelings of fear in a larger context outside of your head, it stops being so personal and stops beings such a painful experience. If you can trace your issue to its source, it no longer belongs to you and you can let it go and be free.

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

Emotional DNA