Family Stories Around the Campfire

Growing up in the good old days, stories of family members and events were passed down from generation to generation. We listened to the family tales and heard all about what assorted family members had gotten up to and achieved. The “gotten up to” was to be avoided and the achievements were to be celebrated and emulated.

During gatherings like those, a lot of systemic thoughts, feelings, language, and actions were shared. This created a tighter bond between family members, as well as some spectacular fights. People knew that grandma had a little hip flask and grandpa had a little black book.

Nowadays life is much busier, and we don’t to take the time to sit down with each other to share those nuggets of family lore. We hear many people complain about feeling disconnected. Those stories weren’t just stories, they clearly contained clues and warnings about our family systems. They were important.

Genealogy sites tell us where we belong in our family system and connect us to those who came before us. Some sites may even mention significant family events. While they give us a felt sense of our connections to our history, they don’t teach us why those connections are so important.

Emotional DNA does. Exploring the language and events in the family, we discover a wealth of unique patterns of thoughts, feelings, language and actions that can provide insights into what drives our own mindsets and behaviors. With insight comes the ability to choose whether to repeat or change the patterns.

In August you may be in the middle of family time. This is the perfect opportunity to discuss all the family stories you remember, along with their ups and downs. Notice together which one of you in your family might be repeating some of the patterns of your ancestors and ask yourselves how. Ideal places to go looking are the ways you handle, relationships, careers, money and dreams. This simple discussion can create insight and awareness in a way that is light yet profound. You may discover some things about yourself that you never knew.

For more information about Emotional DNA and our events please visit judywilkins-smith.com.

July 15, 2022August 16, 2022

The Unconscious Loyalties That Keep You Stuck

Emotional DNA is the patterns of thoughts, feelings and actions that create mindsets and beliefs that then become the truth. Only it is not the truth it is your truth, and you can change that any time you want to. Or can you?

In systemic work and constellations, we often notice how hidden loyalties and blind love keep us stuck. It’s not the sins of the fathers but the love of the children who perpetuate the patterns that bind us. To paraphrase Stefan Hausner,” … even if it costs me my life.” Many of us do not dare to do what calls to our hearts for fear of disappointing parents and family. We live the life we believe they expect us to, at the expense of our own dreams and aspirations. We even repeat the limiting patterns of our parents so that they don’t feel alone or take on our parents’ dreams, completing what they could not. We call these unconscious loyalties.

While these actions are deeply loving, they can be equally limiting. During a constellation, we quite often notice a client stop right at the point of taking a new step, as though they were waiting for permission to move. This is the place of the unconscious loyalty. Sometimes that permission is not forthcoming but giving the family system a place in our hearts allows us to stay connected and move forward.

There is another important piece of information that can help anyone in this position move past their hesitation. It may feel a little scary to take a new step because there is a sense of leaving the family behind. There is a different but beautiful reality. You are in fact never separate from your system. You are neither an imposter nor a deserter. When you take a step forward, you are actually growing the system and showing others what more is possible. One way or another, you are benefiting the system, and it needs you to grow.

The next time you do something different, instead of being afraid, simply understand that you are adding to a system that needs you to grow and is always in service of you – just as you are in service of it.

To find out more about unconscious loyalties, how they keep you stuck and how to move past them, visit us at judywilkins-smith.com.

July 10, 2022July 10, 2022

Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

Judy Wilkins Smith Systemic Work & Constellations

Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint

The emotional suffering we experience tends to close us up to insight about the problems we face. There may be more hope for solutions in looking at the broader context.

What is an emotional blueprint and does everyone have one?

An emotional blueprint is the compilation of patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions that we inherit from our ancestors who create emotional DNA in response to events that happen to them. The way they respond to an event and then pass down those responses is what I call emotional DNA; it creates an emotional blueprint for the way subsequent generations will respond to events or stimuli—until someone says they want more or different and mindfully starts to tweak or turn the current patterns, creating new emotional DNA.

Yes everybody has one, even those of us who do not know their history. To find it, look at the inexplicable patterns in your own behavior. They are often tied to that blueprint.

July 1, 2022August 16, 2022

Owning Your Independence

In America we are about to celebrate Independence Day, and there is something extremely exciting about that. It took restlessness and ambition on the part of the founding fathers to create this wonderful social experiment we call the United States of America. It didn’t happen through complacency and acceptance. It required a rewiring of their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

They had to step away from a familiar, but not so comfortable system they knew, to be open to finding something even better. There was a lot of anger, annoyance, restlessness, and a deep desire for independence from what was deemed a domineering mother country. If the mother country wouldn’t give the child independence, the child needed to find a way to individuate – and it did. Instead of following the old ways, it added some of its own and became the country of “can do” and innovation. That was its unique voice.

As individuals we are constantly looking for our own voices, sparks, and independence. We too want to be something special and make an impact. What holds us back are often the limiting systemic sentences that have echoed through the generations of our family system. What propels us forward are new thoughts, feelings and deep knowing that there is more out there, and we want to be a part of it.

Limiting sentences like, “You can’t make a living doing that.,” and “What makes you think you’re so special?” stop us from taking one step further and we return to familiarity. However, something begins to change when we invest in new systemic sentences that come not from prior generations, but a future we are beginning to imagine. In other words, we start to create a strong systemic language that we can believe in that propels us forward, as we begin to have a sense or our own possibility and independence.

Ask yourself where you are stuck right now. What sentences do you need to set down in order to start imagining your future? What sentences do you need to create to pull yourself into the future? What does independence look like for you? What impact will you create when you own it?

The words that you listen to and the words that you tell yourself matter. Which ones are you buying in to? To learn how to craft words that are in service of your growth and independence, visit us at judywilkins-smith.com.

June 10, 2022June 20, 2022

Emotional DNA and Solid Foundations

So much news to share! I am so excited that my book, Decoding Your Emotional Blueprint, has finally found its way into the world. Thank you Sounds True Publishing for giving it a great home! The whole aim of this book is to give you, the reader, deep insight into your Emotional DNA, along with practical tools to help you decode it and reshape it in your own unique way.

In addition, we are finally getting back to in-person events, beginning in Dallas with Emotional DNA, our foundational event. For those of you who are new to the idea of Emotional DNA, allow me to briefly explain.

You don’t just inherit your physical DNA, you also inherit your Emotional DNA, patterns of thoughts, feelings and actions (and inactions) of your ancestors. Quite literally, the words that you speak and the actions you take (or don’t take) often began in the mouths and bodies of your ancestors.

Why is it so important to know about this? Well, your inherited Emotional DNA reveals your family ancestry and contains all the clues to your family system’s limitations and possibilities—limitations you might be currently experiencing as well as the possibilities that are trying to emerge through you. You literally have an internal epigenetic treasure chest waiting to be discovered and activated so that you can live your greatest life possible. The sages of history weren’t joking when they said, “Everything you need is within you.”

Systemic work and constellations illuminates your inner world, giving you a way to see patterns and limitations and gifts that have, up until now, been invisible and unconscious. Once you see what has you stuck and what’s waiting to set you free, you can move in a new direction, often undoing generations of unconscious habits and patterns in your ancestral line.

The embodied experience of a constellation facilitates insights and shifts that rewire your brain, shifting your inner world so that your outer world changes too. The highly interactive nature of this work ensures the engagement of multiple senses, leading to a heightened and evolutionary understanding of the world within and around you and your place in it. At these events transformational exercises and experiences accelerate your growth, enabling you to write the chapter that only you can write.

You are a remarkable life, if only you know how to see it. When you do, your heart will open and your eyes will reflect the wonder of you. With the new book and my Constellations Meditations, we have so much to explore together at our events!

For more information, please visit judywilkins-smith.com

TAKEAWAYS:

- You are in the middle of a giant game called life. Emotional DNA shows you how to play the game with zest, a sense adventure and the excitement of endless possibilities.
- When you engage multiple senses, the embodied experience rewires your brain and shifts your inner life which then changes your outer world forever.
- Sometimes what looks like a train wreck is actually a portal to a new possibility.
- Transformation isn’t for the chosen few but for the ones who choose it.

May 30, 2022May 30, 2022

Gifts From Our Fathers

Times are changing, but the essence of the male energy remains crucial to the creation and sustenance of life. If mothers are traditionally considered to be the source of life and flow, fathers are often regarded as the hunters and providers—the ones who introduce us to the ways of the outside world and show us how to engage in it.

Some of us have great relationships with our fathers. Some of us don’t. For some, father doesn’t even exist. However, no matter what the personal situation and what we think about it, our connection to our father remains intact. Dad was there at the one moment that counted—the conception of you. He’s also responsible for half of who you are genetically—both your physical DNA and your Emotional DNA.

Just like your mother’s ancestral line, the line of your father contains many clues and patterns to who you are and who you may become. If you choose to consciously connect to the line of your father—whether you know him or not—you can choose what to accept and express and what to set down. You can set down his inability to be present emotionally and accept his capacity for humor and his artistic nature. He may have struggled with responsibility or even left your family, and yet you can choose to have healthy lasting relationships while appreciating the uncanny ability to make money that may be a gift from him that you want to keep.

Why is it so important to be aware of the connection to your father? When you can accept him exactly the way he is or isn’t, present or absent, this allows you to be connected to his line and all that lives within it. You can then accept the gifts that this line has for you and evolve or change those traits. In you lies the ability to change “what is” into “what’s possible.”

Either way, like it or not, who you are is partially thanks to your father. Remember that the patterns you inherited from him that bother you are doing so for a reason. They are asking you to give them a different shape or to set them down altogether with thanks and start an entirely new pattern. Simply put, your father and his line have many gifts for you. Some may be apparent while others may take a little unraveling.

To find out more about how your father’s patterns live in you and serve you (sometimes in interesting ways!) attend one of our highly interactive and experiential events. Details can be found at judywilkins-smith.com.

TAKEAWAYS:

- Once upon a time your father, too, was a child in the system. Perhaps he, too, struggled. Like you, it took courage for your father to even be here
- When we can love our fathers exactly the way they are or aren’t, we can unconditionally love ourselves as well.
- Your father was there for you in the one moment that counted—the creation of you.
- See the many gifts from your father and they will grow you in ways you never expected.
- Gratitude for the father in our lives—present or absent—brings more joy to the world and to our hearts.

May 14, 2022May 30, 2022

Are You Allowed to Enjoy Your Life?

This may sound like a crazy question but stop and think for a moment. Can you enjoy downtime, adventures and vacations without a twinge of guilt? Can you take time off without considering the money you may not be earning while you’re away? Can you relax and enjoy having fun while others are working hard? Or do you find yourself experiencing guilt or maybe some FOMO (fear of missing out). Or, worse yet, FOBJ (fear of being judged)?

It’s almost summer. Time for long lazy days spent around the pool or a road trip exploring new places with your family or friends. Time for enjoying life. But again, the question is, Can you? Or are you plagued by annoying little voices telling you all the reasons why you shouldn’t be relaxing?

If so, whose voices are you hearing? What does your family have to say about enjoying life? About working hard? Strange how those multigenerational messages we hear are never about playing hard too. Hard work is good but too much play is bad. Says who?

Devon desperately wanted to take time off from work to spend time with his wife and two children. He wanted to take them on fun summer trips—the kind of vacations his friends all talked about when he was growing up; the kind of fun he’d always wished he’d been able to have with his own parents but never did because they were so poor. Now, as manager of a large home improvement center, summer was his busiest time of year at work. Plus, every time he started to think about taking time off, all he could hear in his mind were his parents saying things like, “There’s no time to waste, son.” Or “Make hay will the sun shines. Vacations can come later.”

Torn between duty and desire, Devon didn’t know what to do. Then, during a constellation, he realized that both his parents had lost their own parents at an early age, and that they, too, had never experienced downtime or created those special vacation memories he longed to create for himself. At first, he was sad about it until he realized that, thanks to his hard-working parents, the family system had actually gifted him a strong work ethic and stability. Next, he realized that he was already financially stable. It wasn’t a future event to be worked towards anymore. It was time for someone in the family to make the memories yearned for but never achieved.

Devon realized that taking time off with his wife and kids could be his gift to the family system. He was proud to be able to say to his parents and ancestors, “For those of you how couldn’t take time to enjoy life, watch me. I can do it for all of us.”

So often people think it is their duty to struggle and suffer like family members who came before them when, in fact, the system is waiting for them to turn struggle and stress into triumph, enjoyment and success. So, next time those nagging little voices surface, ask yourself how they are asking you to change. How will you create that new pattern of relaxing and enjoying life? How will that affect those around you? The gift of change is in your hands.

To find out more about the transformational approach of systemic work and constellations, visit us at judywilkins-smith.com.

HIDDEN GEMS:

When you suffer like those before you, no one wins.
The one who dares to step beyond the suffering is the way-shower.
How well do you speak the language of suffering? Pay attention to the limitations your words impose.
Try speaking the language of enjoyment. Then you’ll have a whole working language system!
Replicating another’s suffering doesn’t respect what they went through. They want you to do life differently! You give them a legacy when you do.

April 27, 2022May 30, 2022

Constellations Meditations – Connecting to the Past and Creating the Future

Whether you are close to your mother and father or not, they nonetheless stand at the core of who you are. Through the two of them come the ancestral patterns that operate in your life, creating either a sense of possibility or limitation.

There is always something you can do to make your life better and build upon your family system’s inheritance. You can literally build the life you want. The Constellations Meditations of the Mother and Father offer you the opportunity to begin moving your life in the positive direction that you want to go.

Through these two meditations, you can connect to your parents, their ancestral lines, and the patterns contained within them. Both meditations can be done individually or in groups of any size. Although the group energy can amplify the experience, everyone will have their own unique journey. After all, each one of us is unique and so are our systems.

As you know, patterns in our systems—especially our family system—are the key to the way our brain is wired. Patterns of exclusion, patterns of acceptance, being seen or unseen by a parent, all these different, dynamically-wired patterns influence how our lives are lived and experienced. And thanks to neuroplasticity—the ability of the brain’s neurological networks to change, grow, unhook and re-form—we can change that wiring any time we want, thereby changing our present reality as well as our future.

Both Constellations Meditations are designed to facilitate the perceptual shifts you need to begin creating those new neural pathways. The hour-long meditations take you on a constellations journey deep into the center of you and all that is connected to you. You will encounter the essence of those who came before you, the patterns those ancestors created and that you have inherited. You will have the opportunity to acknowledge patterns that have outlived their purpose, thank them for the ways they supported the system in the past, and then let them go—allowing them to become a source of wisdom that you can use to shape your future. You will also be able to see the strengths within the system and accept them as resources and, most importantly, you will begin to see the emergence of new patterns through you.

The beauty of these Constellations Meditations is that they can be used over and over again to help you address any number of issues you may currently have or that might arise in the future.

Constellations events attendees who have experienced these meditations report experiencing insights and making connections they had never made before.

The Constellations Meditations are available for purchase and download at https://judywilkins-smith.com/products/

To experience our Constellations Meditations LIVE, and experience the additional benefit of group energy, we invite you to join us at our upcoming event at Disney World! Find out more about this exciting event and others at https://judywilkins-smith.com/upcoming-events/

HIDDEN GEMS:

Sometimes you must go inward before you can look outwards.
Sometimes you must look backwards before you can move forward.
Connecting to the ancient wisdom of your ancestors facilitates tremendous change.
Constellations Meditations show you how to tap ancestral wisdom and then soar.
The family system—no matter how apparently dysfunctional—is always in service of you. It always was and it always will be. You just need to learn to see the patterns correctly.

Every member of your family has a gift for you—if you know

April 15, 2022April 14, 2022

The Gifts of the Mother

Some of us get on well with our mothers, some don’t. Some of us don’t even know our mothers. But whether you are close to your mother or not, she is your first relationship in life and your direct source of life. Your mother is also one half of who you are genetically.

We don’t need to be close to our mother or even know our mother to take on the essence of who our mother is. The kind of person she is, how she faces life or doesn’t face it, how she relates to others and how she loves or refuses to love—all of that is automatically part of us at an energetic level. Significant events in our mother’s line can create reactions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and actions that become patterns that define our own limitations or strengths.

Systemically, we know that the way that you are with your mother often shows up in the ways that you engage with your partner and engage in other relationships and groups. As the birth giver in your life, if you struggle with your mother, you may end up unconsciously struggling to give birth to projects or maintain flow and energy feeding your endeavors.

The gifts of the mother are many and often hidden. When we choose to connect to our mother and our mother’s family line, something quite fundamental settles in us as we open to all the energies and information contained in that source—energies and information we need ourselves to create, grow and nurture new possibilities in life. When we struggle to connect, or have issues with our mother, this flow can become blocked and we struggle unnecessarily.

For example, Jessica, an only child, came to a systemic work and constellations event angry and distressed because she did not feel seen by her mother. “She just seems so absent. It drives me wild!” she said. “I don’t know what to do.”

When we did some constellation work, it became clear where the problem lay. Jessica’s representative stood close to her mother, but her mother’s representative kept turning around and looking behind her, obviously searching for someone. At that point Jessica recalled that her mother had had three late-term miscarriages before she was born. We added three representatives for the lost babies and it instantly became clear to Jessica why she’d never had her mother’s full attention.

I reminded her that the mother brings many gifts, and asked Jessica what gift this situation might have given her. “I had to entertain and take care of myself a lot of the time,” she said. “It’s made me very independent.” She thought for a moment and then brightened. “Now that I think about it, it’s enabled me to build a highly lucrative career as a consultant. Something I probably wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise!”

She smiled and then laughed for the first time. “Gee, thanks mom!”

It’s important to remember that the family system is always in service of our growth, and that limitations are often gifts in disguise. Sometimes it’s not easy to see what the gifts are from our mother. But they’re always there if we look for them.

This Mother’s Day, ask yourself this question: “What do I need to thank my mother for?” You might be surprised at the gift that shows up!

TIPS:

Remember: Without your mother you wouldn’t exist.
If your mother is absent, ask yourself where she is present—where is her attention going? That may show you why she’s been absent like Jessica’s mother.
The way you are with your mother is often the way that you are with your partners
When you can accept your mother exactly the way she is or was, your heart will open to receive all the gifts she has for you.
When your heart is more open you have better, more engaged relationships with others.

Find out more information at judywilkins-smith.com.

March 29, 2022April 14, 2022

The Magic of Systemic Goals

Most of us have been taught that life is a slog with very little reward and that to get somewhere we must work hard and keep our noses to the grindstone. Which is not very encouraging! We long for the day when we can move beyond life “as usual.” But sometimes we find we’ve bought into patterns of limitation to the degree that it’s difficult to imagine something better.

The first place we pick up these patterns is from our family—ways of thinking and acting, or not acting, that often keep us “in our place.” We love our family, but we end up feeling stuck with a sinking sense of inevitability, doing things the way they’ve always been done.

If you find yourself feeling small and wanting to break out of a patten that’s got you stuck, the easiest way to break loose is by setting a specific goal—maybe something small at first—but something that will grab your attention and develop sufficient excitement to break the pattern and set you on your path. Make sure this goal is one that stimulates a lot of enthusiasm, because it’s enthusiasm and joy that will help you rise to a whole new level and accomplish what you want.

For example, Mela was from a family that, fleeing a brutal, decade-long civil war in Algeria, had emigrated to a small town in the American Midwest. A protected youngest child and talented designer, her dream was to move to New York City and travel the world finding fashion ideas to incorporate in her own designs. But her parents didn’t want her to leave the safety of a small town. And the idea of her traveling abroad frightened them. Mela too had her own fears.

“I’m scared to go for it,” she confessed. “My parents keep saying ‘The world is a dangerous place. This town and this country are enough for us and should be for you too.’” Once Mela realized that family fears—while appropriate back in a war-torn country—were part of a limiting family pattern that was now stifing her, she determined that freedom to come and go as she pleased was a deep desire for her. We explored how she could start with a small goal that might work for her family while setting Mela on the path to her dream—a stretch goal for both her and the family. “I have grandparents in Morocco,” she said, “And I’ve always wanted to check out designs and fabrics there!”

Her excitement carried her past her own fears and the fears of her family. She booked the trip and sharing her experiences upon her return began a series of steps forward for the entire family. Once her parents realized that she had been quite safe, they too began to venture further afield. Mela created a list of goals that thrilled her and kept her moving towards her dream. The family is now well traveled and Mela has a small exotic clothing line in New York.

What does your family think and feel about big goals and dreams? Are they enthusiastic or is there a limiting belief that locks them—and you—into doing less than is possible? What event in your family may have shut down thoughts of adventure, excitement and doing well in life?

Once you’ve identified the event, pick a doable goal that is exciting enough to drive you beyond the excuses and reasons not to achieve it. In other words, pick something that carries more weight than the limiting pattern(s) in your family system and any loyalties you might have to those old patterns.

The magic happens when we begin to want something more. It may take a while, but when we give ourselves permission to explore new ideas and desires and invest in them, we start creating lives that are delightfully interesting. Just remember to listen to the dreams inside you and let them pull you forward.

TIPS:

Clear goals pull you beyond excuses, family patterns and limiting thoughts and feelings and into adventure.
Set a series of doable yet exciting goals that will take you to your future.
Check for limiting family patterns that stand in the way of your goals. See what new positive patterns are trying to emerge.
Add gratitude and excitement to your goals to fuel your success.
Remember: Goals are simply the everyday name for miracles and magic.

For more information about upcoming events and to see our helpful products please visit our website: judywilkins-smith.com