Category: Systemic Patterns

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Respecting Other People’s Opinions – America’s Path Forward

respecting other people's opinions

Respecting Other People's Opinions - America's Path Forward

In the wake of the 2024 election, US citizens find themselves navigating an all-too-familiar landscape of polarized different beliefs and ideologies, triggering upset, blame, resentment, and fear. Partisanship and deep-rooted divisions have only grown over recent years, and many Americans long for pathways to unity and progress.

Moving forward, America has an opportunity to redefine itself. But moving forward requires a new approach that doesn’t just try to mend divides at the surface level. It requires an approach that addresses the deep, often unseen dynamics driving our political and cultural rifts.

How do we get into the creative space of making a difference in a way that bodes well for all mankind? How can we keep an open mind and respect different people and their differing opinion in an effective way? How can we start looking for the common good and the common ground?

Life is going to be a whole lot easier for all of us when we all start doing this. But in the meantime, we’ve got to do the work of coming together. The following are some thoughts about how to do that.

I Win, You Lose

It happens every four years here in the United States: “Ha ha! I win! You lose!” It’s time to stop playing this game because as long as we have, “I win. You lose,” somebody is going to be happy and excited, somebody else is going to be afraid and angry. Multiply that by hundreds of millions of “somebodies” and we have the situation we have today with a woefully divided nation.

The solution, of course, is for 1) those who “win” to stop gloating, and 2) those who lose to cease playing victim, and 3) for both sides to come together and ask the question, “How do we all win?” What policies can be enacted to create more unity? What can we do to take care of each other?

Of course, to do this and start shaping our lives in a much more responsible way, we have to make some perceptual shifts. And one of the most important shifts we can make is to realize how deeply programmed we all are to want to belong. Belong to a family. Belong to a community. Belong to a group of people. Belong to a party. Belong to a common belief system, an ideal, a nation. It’s all the same thing.

Stop Taking Sides

If we want to belong to one of the greatest countries on earth, let’s also all be Americans. Democracy demands debate, not fights.

The trick is to stop narrowing our view about where we belong. At the most fundamental and yet universal level, we all belong to the same species called Homo sapiens, living on the same planet called Earth. In this system, everybody has a right to belong. 

This is one of the foundational principles of Systemic Work and Constellations. Every single person in the system called “humanity” belongs. And that includes the good, the bad, the indifferent, the educated, the uneducated, the rich, the poor, the up, down, and sideways. Everyone counts because everyone brings information into the human system, information that is needed for everyone in the system, and the system itself, to thrive and evolve.

Our humanity is our common ground. From there, if we each take a breath and we take a moment and we start with simple, easy things like kindness to others, thoughtfulness, and consideration, we’re actually going to find that the seismic earthquakes caused by taking sides against one another start to subside. Choosing to shape your life in a really good, human and humane way, you start the ball rolling on the positive changes we need to see happening in our country right now.

Consider Your Reactions

There’s a world of difference between being creative and being reactive. When we’re in creation mode, we’re excited and positive and affecting others in a positive way. We’re open to suggestions, collaboration, and other ideas, including others’ opinions. When we’re in reaction, yelling, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling,” we’re in fight or flight mode. And then we pick a side to fight against and out goes belonging.

The brain secretes adrenalin and noradrenalin. Non-essential body systems like digestion slow to a crawl. Heart rate increases, and before you know it, you’re sweating in full-on panic, unable to think clearly, unable to easily accept suggestions, and unable to collaborate. And the sky isn’t actually even falling! Being reactive doesn’t serve anyone in the long run.

But how are we going to move from being reactive to being creative instead? Well, here are some thoughts:

  • When you hear something or see something that’s not to your liking, breathe!
  • Take the time to take stock of the situation before you get all revved up.
  • Consider your words before they come out of your mouth. Is what you’re about to say really true? Is it coming from your heart? Or is it against something or someone?
  • Instead of letting your words come out from a boiling pit, consider how you want things to land.
  • Consider the other person’s opinions. How will your words affect them and shape their sense of belonging?
  • How do you want your life to look? How do you want to shape it? How do you want to belong to the human system? What is your contribution? If we want to change the world today, it starts with changing our attitudes toward each other right here, right now.

A final powerful thought here has to do with assumptions. Assumptions start wars. Don’t just assume positive intent—check your assumptions. Every single one of them. With clarity comes insight. With insight comes peace. With peace comes freedom.

People often tell me doing this is really hard work. Well, it’s just as hard to keep being upset, miserable, and angry as it is to start putting the work into a life that you really want. Seriously. Decide on the life you want to live, and every time something prompts you to fight and go against someone or something, ask yourself: “Does that get me closer to the life I want to live and the life I want for my children? Or further away?”

Make Positive, Life-Shaping Choices

If you decide and choose that you’re going to go for a positive, life-affirming existence, that’s amazing. You’re going to make a difference. You’re going to be kind. You’re going to be happy. And when you’re happy and it’s fun and you’re really excited, you find that life suddenly becomes a whole lot nicer. 

Some of your friends and family, with different backgrounds and professional experiences, are going to want to know what the heck you’re doing and maybe even join you. Before you know it, your life and the lives of others have changed for the better. Now you’re making that global difference.

Connection, Communication, and Respect

Are you communicating with yourself and others in a respectful way? In a way that lands and encourages? Or in a way that divides and tears down?

The first step is really important. If you are angry or unkind to yourself, chances are that will spill over into your interactions with others. I have executives who think that effective communication is, “Hey, stupid, get it together or you’re fired,” which generally doesn’t get a really good response. So, consider how you communicate with others. When somebody is confused or lost, ask, “Can I help you? Can I show you?”

When a new situation arises, instead of trying to control, try being invitational. Try inviting in new ideas and thoughtful conversations. And always consider your words by asking yourself, “How do I get this to land in a way that people can hear it and feel what I’m saying?”

How do we all go for the win? The answer—even in tense, contentious situations—is communication with respect. Meaning I understand that the other person or persons I’m talking with have a part in my world. They belong and have equal weight and importance as me. When we understand that, we’re able to talk to each other, and not only find common ground, but ideas and answers that are outside the realm of opposing views.

Without respect, nothing positive happens. You don’t grow, your family and community don’t grow, our nation doesn’t grow, and the world doesn’t grow.

And by respect I don’t mean having to be in agreement. Respect means I understand the other person has a different point of view and different perspectives. And I give that different point of view a place to land and be. And when I can give it a place, it means I’ve given a little and the other has done the same. We’ve both given a little, which makes both parties feel good, included, seen, and in some way honored and validated.

If we are looking to be a nation that can show the rest of the world a way to thrive, then no matter how tense the situation, it begins with respect. That’s what we’re looking for. That’s the fertile ground we need to stand on to be able to move forward into a better world. 

At the end of a tough year facing the uncertainty of the next four years, we all have the opportunity to make a difference—kindly, happily, and with understanding. The next greatest era in American history begins with you.

Emotional DNA
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How to Break Generational Cycles Through Language

How to Break Generational Cycles Through Language

Sometimes it’s hard not to think that life is “doing it to us,” and that some people are lucky and others are not. As a generational cycle breaker, understanding the effects of generational trauma is the first place to start. When family members continually struggle with certain issues like lack of education, dysfunctional ways of relating, addiction, failure in careers, or an inability to create financial success, they’re often caught in vicious cycles that seem impossible to break.
 
What’s actually going on is more complex than a simple curse – it’s intergenerational trauma manifesting through family patterns that affect the nervous system in profound ways. These negative cycles often stem from childhood trauma that wasn’t properly addressed in previous generations, creating a lasting impact that reverberates through time.
 
Sometimes the repeating pattern in your family of origin is based upon an initial traumatic experiences that occurred in the family. It is then passed down to the rest of the family, complete with the accompanying emotional disturbances. Working with a trauma-informed therapist or attending support groups can be part of the process of understanding these generational patterns.
 
For example, I had a gentleman client come to me who fearfully reported he was sure he was going to lose a leg before he was 55 and become an amputee. This would seem to be a wildly unlikely possibility—a case of an irrational phobia showing up out of nowhere. But diving into his family history through family therapy, I learned that every oldest male in his family system for seven generations had lost their right leg one way or another.
 
It had started with a great-great-something-grandfather losing his leg while on a whaling ship in the Pacific Ocean. His son lost a leg in a logging accident somewhere up in the Pacific Northwest. Then his son lost his right leg after getting shot in a hunting accident and the wound turned gangrenous. Yet another ancestor lost a leg in World War I. The stories went on and on. Cursed, right? 
 
No! Truth is, once my client understood that he was dealing with an inheritance of Emotional DNA—in this case a hardened belief in the family “curse”—once he was able to obtain a broader view of his family’s system dynamics which led to insights and shifts that enabled him to change his thinking that losing a leg was inevitable, he shifted what had seemed like a curse. Once he grasped that the pattern showing up was not fated and didn’t belong to him unless he held onto it and made it so, he was able to change his thinking and rewire his brain and body. And he is still walking around on two legs to this day.

Self-Talk and Limiting Conversations

No matter what pattern you’ve inherited from your own parents, you can take that inheritance and work with it in a way that enhances your life and the lives of those around you. Through trauma-informed care, many family members are discovering new patterns and new things they never thought possible. In other words, everything boils down to the act and art of shaping your life the way you want it.
 
Life is a series of choices. And one of the most obvious ways we do or don’t shape our lives is how we choose our inner self-talk and our outer conversations. Except, of course, that our internal and external-talk often isn’t just ours either! Many times, that inner conversation about how stupid we are, how unattractive we are, or what a failure we are started a long time ago with an event that created those thoughts and language in an ancestor long gone—thoughts and language that still govern us today.
 
 Great-grandfather said, “Money is the root of all evil,” and to this day the whole family struggles with and fears money and doesn’t understand why. Or perhaps there was an early event in your life that started those kinds of thoughts rolling. It really doesn’t matter. The question is, “Do I want to continue to buy into my limiting thoughts and identities and pass them down to future generations? Or do I want to be the change agent in my family and learn the art of shaping my own life?”

Systemic Language

Words mold our reality on an individual, community, and also global level, creating war and peace, castes and creeds, hope and despair, joy and sorrow. As a generational cycle-breaker, you have the power to transform these inherited patterns. An entire system of thought and action can be dismantled in one short sentence. “The war is over.” Or “Your disease is gone.” Or “You have the right to vote.” One word, “Guilty,” can end a life. 
 
Examine how unhappy, unsuccessful people talk, and you hear excuses and words and sentences of doom over and over again. “I knew I couldn’t do it. Everything I touch turns to ___. There’s just no winning. It isn’t my fault. Etcetera.” Like my client, who believed he was cursed, we curse ourselves. Instead of lighting a fire of inspiration that sets us free, we constantly feed the flames that make ourselves feel all sorts of negative emotions. And sentences of doom aren’t just the typical self-derogatory examples like those just listed. Any systemic sentence that drags you down and keeps you stuck is a sentence of doom because it dooms you to more of the same. 
 
“Patience is a virtue” until it isn’t. “No pain, no gain” might get you through that business startup and those seemingly endless 18-hour days. But once the business is up and running and successful, if you keep running the same line, all you’re going to get is an apparently successful life accompanied by continued suffering. The good news is that words and sentences of doom can also serve as our liberators because they contain the seeds for identifying and stopping limiting patterns in their tracks once we see them and acknowledge them.
 
I had a highly successful female client who loved that “no pain no gain” quote from Jane Fonda the “workout queen” of the 1970s, and used it all the time. She came to me wondering why, despite all her money and accomplishments, she never seemed to be able to relax and enjoy life. As it turned out, there were other self-punishing patterns she’d picked up from her family. But it was the moment when she caught herself unconsciously using that phrase in defense of her work ethic that she “got it.”  
 
“No pain no gain” was like a torch shining a light on the foundation of her whole life. She used that key inner and outer phrase as a touchstone and way to examine her whole life and see where she was imprisoning herself and then set herself free.

Exercise

Until we see and face a limiting systemic sentence straight on, it becomes a sentence of doom and a not-so-silent saboteur. Seeing it and acknowledging its existence is unbelievably powerful, because it is a declaration of what is. It identifies the truth of what’s going on and calls it by name, allowing investigation into how it has been created, how it is running your life, and how it can be disentangled and transformed. 
 
If you are serious about shaping your own life, take the time to sit down and examine your life. Write down where you’re stuck, sad, and/or hurting. Also identify what you would like to have and experience in your life that you don’t have. This is a process of discovering “what is.”
  • In light of these insights, examine your thoughts and how you speak

  • Are there systemic “sentences of doom” running in your brain? Ideas, words, fears you can identify that might be triggering and/or supporting your stuckness and problem?

Once you’ve identified your limiting language, it’s then time to discover “what’s possible.” In order to turn this pattern you’ve established around, you want to create language that is stronger than the limiting language you’ve been using. This is called developing the language of resolution, or creating sentences of resolution. For example, my Jane Fonda fan client above helped resolved her “No pain, no gain” addiction by adopting the sentence “No pain, no strain.”

  • Write down your words or “sentences of doom.”
  • What words or sentences come to mind as powerful antidotes?

​For example, if you have a firm belief “I’ll never get ahead,” or “The cards are stacked against me,” sentences of resolution for you might be something like: “I know how to make this happen! And if not, I can figure it out!” And “The cards are stacked in my favor.” 

  • Write down your sentences of resolution.
  • Put them where you can see them.
  • Practice saying them at every opportunity until they become your new language habit.

Welcome to the art of shaping your life through language!

Emotional DNA
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How to Change Your Thinking Patterns and Create Happiness

how to change your thinking patterns

How to Change Your Thinking Patterns and Create Happiness

What will you be giving thanks for next year?

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Systemic Work & Constellations, once said, “It takes courage to live a happy life.” And the guy truly wasn’t kidding. What he didn’t say, however, is that developing that courage is worth it! But how do we start to change our thinking patterns to create a more fulfilling life?

The First Step to Change

Courageous people tend to lead happy and fulfilling lives. They also tend to treat life like an adventure … sometimes even like a business adventure! In the process, like all good business strategists, they often sit down and dream about how they would like things to be in a year’s time—or maybe two or three years down the road. 

Taking the first step toward changing thinking patterns, such as replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations, can be transformative

Have you ever done this? Spent quality time sincerely contemplating what it is you desire to create and have in your future? If you haven’t, I cannot stress enough how important this is. 

This is not just wishful thinking. It’s about identifying and cognitively restructuring your thought process, which can shift negative feelings into a positive mindset, helping you create new thought patterns. 

With each positive statement you make, you build what you want, thought by careful thought, positive thought by positive thought, action by action.

Happy Holidays

The holidays are a particularly fertile and festive time of year to engage in practices that cultivate a positive outlook. At about this time each year, I always take time out to envision what I will be thankful for this time next year. 

By imagining a desired future and engaging with it emotionally, I’m not just thinking—I’m rewiring my brain to break out of common cognitive distortions and replace negative thinking patterns with positive ways of thinking. 

In so doing, I am not just imagining what I want. I am forward creating a future I really desire, drawing on a rich harvest of tools from systemic work, constellations, neuroscience, epigenetics, and the vast potential of human experience. 

The fun thing is, when I build “future nows” in my mind in 3D, I get more excited about my life. I am more engaged and committed to the journey. After all, imagining and going after something I really want feels a whole lot less like work and more like play. And it’s even more satisfying knowing that by doing this process—imagining my future while feeling the emotions I will feel in the future when this dream comes to fruition.

I am literally rewiring my brain for success, making the desired outcome all the more certain. As I pointed out in my last blog, when we visualize a desired future and engage with it emotionally, our brain starts to treat the dream as if it’s already happening. And then, no surprise, it happens!

Rewiring the brain

This ability to rewire our thinking patterns and behaviors allows us to cultivate resilience and positivity, both of which help us bring what we want into focus and into being.

Another thing that helps shift habits and old brain patterns is gratitude. By this time next year, you want to be grateful for the mental, emotional, and physical shifts you’ve made and the results those shifts have generated. 

Habits of gratitude, mindfulness, and positive thinking integrated into daily life yield mega results. But you have to embrace those new habits with genuine enthusiasm which can juice you up and get you over the finish line. 

Regular practices like meditation, journaling, visioning—whatever exercises you decide to do will then reshape your brain, making gratitude a natural response rather than a forced exercise.

Daily Gratitude

I remember the days when I used to internally grumble about “having to be grateful” as an effective practice to getting what I want. Now I am more inclined to feel ripped off if I haven’t had that daily dose of gratitude.

Developing a daily gratitude practice for what I have received and what I will receive in the future has truly changed my life. It has fostered a deep appreciation for the small joys of daily life, and it has made life easier when the going gets tough.

Like so many other people around the world, in the last three years my family and I have experienced some category 5 hurricane level life traumas. Through it all, we remembered the importance of gratitude. 

And yes, some days it was gratitude for simple things—like having a strong cup of coffee to help get going in the morning. Or having an operational cell phone to keep in touch with family members when it was all hitting the fan.

Another thing that helped get us through is what I and my family now call the “Puppies and Kittens Practice.” 

This particular exercise came from my daughter one day when we’d just experienced some setbacks. We were sitting at the kitchen table, facing some tough decisions, when she suddenly said: “Mom, can we just talk puppies and kittens for a while?” In other words, could we just talk about the light stuff—the fun stuff—for a while.

I mean, who doesn’t enjoy watching cat or dog videos on YouTube? “Puppies and kittens” is now a thing in our home when the going gets rough. And then there is a moment of gratitude just for experiencing the brief relief. This is how we give our brains a break and how we train ourselves to be resilient in even the worst situations.

Mindfulness

Epigenetics teaches us that the events we experience, both positive and negative events, and our reactions to them can influence gene expression. This means that the choices we make today can impact not only our health but also the wellbeing of future generations. 

But it takes mindfulness techniques and presence in the moment to remember to pay attention to our emotions and thoughts during stressful times. Negative self-talk or unhelpful thoughts can sometimes arise, and it takes consistent effort to maintain a positive mindset instead of falling into common cognitive distortions.

I remember being overwhelmed by what was coming at me. At one point, I very much wanted to scream and run away from it all. And then, thankfully, I remembered, “Wait a minute! This is a life-shaping event. Pay attention!” 

I stopped in the hallway and said to myself: “Judy! Remember, your thoughts, feelings, decisions, and actions right now are shaping your future and your family’s future.”

Instead of staying in that panicked, reactive state, I took a few deep breaths and then mindfully chose how I wanted to feel, think, and act in that specific situation. This choice to replace negative emotions with rational thoughts and positive ways of thinking helped me actively shift my emotions and thoughts. 

And you know what? I got through it. Better than that, I got through it surprisingly easily.

Ever since then, I often remind myself of this mindfulness practice. Yes, I realize this takes time and discipline, but do you want to reactively sit in the same place, facing the same issues again this time next year? I sure don’t! 

And guess what? Remembering to practice mindfulness and shifting your thoughts and emotions in the moment is yet another thing to be grateful for! You can be grateful you remembered, grateful you used a powerful tool, and grateful you followed through and made the needed shifts.

See how this all works together? 

By prioritizing mindful thinking, feeling, and emotional well-being, you will have contributed to a healthier genetic expression. Instead of activating fear hormones that can harm mental health, you will be activating joy and fulfillment hormones, which are health generators. 

And then you get to appreciate and be thankful for the vibrant energy and resilience you’ve cultivated, which not only benefits you but also positively influences those around you, such as family members and friends you care for and love.

Embracing Human Potential

Human potential is vast, and recognizing your own potential can be transformative. It’s not about having everything now but about taking the first step to overcome negative self-talk and open up to positive ways of thinking. By shifting your thought process and creating new thought patterns, you begin to move past negative thinking patterns that limit you and instead embrace positive changes in all areas that matter to you.

Next year, I’ll celebrate the progress I’ve made in pursuing my passions and dreams. Through setting intentions, using positive affirmations, and practicing mindfulness techniques, I’ll discover new skills and interests. 

The confidence gained from leaving my comfort zone and challenging common cognitive distortions will be a source of immense gratitude. I’ll look back on a year where negative emotions and unhelpful thoughts were transformed into positive contributions to my life, enabling me to explore uncharted territories of my potential.

By this time next year, I will be thankful for the positive influences in my relationships, the positive mindset shifts, and the good things I’ve cultivated through consistent effort in my daily life. 

Each of these positive experiences will be reminders of the power of intention, the benefits of positive self-talk, and the beauty of living with courage and purpose.

These goals are what I’m dreaming of and striving toward this year. How about you?

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage and truth-telling at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

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How to Change the Past: Creating Future Memories

How to Change the Past

How to Change the Past: Creating Future Memories

Be Thankful for What You Are About to Receive

“Future memories” may seem like a paradox, but they refer to something profoundly powerful: the act of creating a vision of the future that is so vivid, we experience it as though it were happening right now. This is not merely daydreaming, it’s a purposeful and fruitful practice grounded in systemic work, family constellations, neuroscience, and epigenetics.

How to Change the Past

As you know, many of our present challenges often stem from unresolved issues within our family system, passed down through generations—what I call inherited Emotional DNA patterns. However, just as these inherited influences shape us, we can consciously reshape them. Epigenetics show us that our genes are not our fate but can indeed be molded to become a great destiny. By acknowledging and resolving inherited influences, we create space for new possibilities in our lives. Addressing Emotional DNA patterns not only releases us from the past—it opens us up by freeing us to imagine a future unburdened by past limitations.

Once we acknowledge old patterns and know what we want to experience instead, we can then apply the knowledge gained from neuroscience to create a whole new reality for ourselves. Because the human brain doesn’t distinguish between real events and vividly imagined ones (both can leave a strong imprint on our neural pathways, as well as influence our inherited epigenetic patterns), by passionately imagining a new future in the present moment, we break free from old patterns and create space for new potentials.

By rehearsing the experiences and things we want to have in our future, we rewire our brains, change old limiting patterns, and bring what we desire into reality. This kind of future visualization is, of course, a common practice amongst successful athletes and performers. When not physically practicing, they mentally go over their every move, seeing themselves experiencing what they wish to bring into reality—setting that world record or performing that concerto note perfect for their audience. Not only do they imagine these things, they get deeply emotionally involved with the fantasy. They feel the exhilaration of the win. They feel the pride surging through their chests as the audience rises to its feet in a standing ovation for their performance.

Because the brain is incredibly plastic with the ability to rewire itself in response to our thoughts and experiences, we thus actively set that future into motion. When we repeatedly visualize a desired future while emotionally engaging with it—feeling the experience—our brain starts to treat it as if it’s already happening. Through vivid imagination and elevated emotional connection, we effectively train our brain to experience the future now. Each time we picture and emotionally experience this future, we strengthen the neural circuits associated with it, making it feel more real and more achievable. Our brain, in turn, becomes aligned with creating that reality.

Attitude of Gratitude

When we envision a future filled with success, love, or fulfillment and engage with that vision emotionally, we send a powerful signal to our head, heart, and gut, our family systems, the Universe, and our subconscious mind that we are ready to receive those experiences. In other words, we are fully aligned.

Another thing that plays a critical role in this process is gratitude. When we give thanks for a future outcome as though it’s already occurred, we also prime our brain to believe it’s real. Gratitude reinforces positive neural pathways, helping to bring that envisioned future into clearer focus, fostering a state of focus, readiness and expectation that greatly improves the odds of those future outcomes manifesting.

Of course, gratitude also has remarkable effects on our emotional and biological well-being. Practicing gratitude lowers stress levels, improves mental health, and influence gene expression. By cultivating gratitude for our future memories that we are creating, we enhance our ability to manifest those outcomes both psychologically and biologically. Being thankful for what you are about to receive creates a field state of coherence which is critical to manifestation. By vividly experiencing the future in the present, you are laying the foundation for a reality that is both intentional and deeply aligned with your highest potential.

Steps to Creating Your Future Now

As we enter the holiday season, I highly recommend that you seriously consider what you want to change in your life. What do you want to experience? More fulfilling work? More quality relationships? More time for yourself? More money? A new home? A special vacation? As we approach the end of the year, this is the perfect time to set new dreams into motion and take action to learn how to change the past. In the next week, be sure to set aside time for yourself to:

  • Take stock of your life
  • What limiting patterns are you aware of? What’s holding you back from the life you want to live?
  • Are there family patterns involved? Are others in your family dealing with the same or similar issues?
  • Recognize that epigenetic patterns of the past do NOT determine your future. YOU are in charge of your life. No one and no thing else.
  • Thank old limiting patterns—they once had a purpose for being there in your family and in your life. Your simple desire to move on makes you the change-maker.
  • Make a list of the experiences/situations/people/material things you want to bring into your life next year.
  • Make sure you are emotionally engaged and deeply passionate about these desires/dreams.
  • Take time every day to imagine yourself being and having what you most desire. Some of the most fertile times to do this is right before sleep and just as you are waking up in the morning. Take advantage of those more meditative, receptive alpha-wave states.
  • Get passionate! Feel yourself doing, being, having your dream. Get into it!
  • Be thankful for what you are about to receive.

And remember, the holidays are a special time. The “vibe” for the next few weeks is magical. Use it. Ride the energy waves of possibility, gratitude and new beginnings!

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage and truth-telling at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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How to Find the Truth with Meta Patterns

how to find the truth

How to Find the Truth with Meta Patterns

When I grew up back in South Africa, we had a really specific conversational “code.” And that code involved avoiding the topics of sex, religion, and politics. Those subjects were always a no-go zone, because so many people had so many widely varied thoughts about them. Many people held opinions that were well grounded in facts and many held opinions that were mostly based in emotions and judgement. And they all got so mixed up that the best approach eventually became to simply avoid the issues altogether. And if somebody did air their views, I was taught to simply be respectful and not argue or put anybody down for their perspective.

Because when we start discussing ‘hot” topics, arguments are sure to follow. And from there we end up putting down other people’s points of view. We start to shame and blame and we don’t listen. And in the midst of this tumultuous dynamic, we also begin to lose the truth. Because when we argue, my point of view has got to become your point of view, and vice versa. And to accomplish this, I’m going to double down on my point of view, and keep on doubling down, dragging in wild ideas and accusations in order to make my position bigger and more strident, more colorful and thus more popular than yours.

And then truth evaporates as the whole thing becomes a shouting match designed around who can yell the loudest and make the most outrageous statements of “fact.” Which is where we seem to have found ourselves in the world right now around pretty much everything.

A Dangerous Game

In systemic work, we know that certain systems just shouldn’t entangle. And yet today the systems of religion, politics, health, sexuality, immigration, education, and innumerable other hot topics get all mixed up together. We’re getting to a stage where systems are becoming so entangled that we no longer know what belongs where. We’re no longer giving everything and everyone in these varied arenas their rightful place. We’re no longer giving them a voice that can be heard.

I’m talking about this because this is a dangerous game to play with nuclear warheads and gain-of-function bioweapons ready at hand to deploy on the “loser.” I’m also talking about it because I’ve noticed lately how this whole dynamic has led to the place where much of humanity seems unable to discern truth from fiction and outright lies.

We seem to have lost the plot. Which is exactly what we can expect will happen when we’ve put ourselves into a win-lose game instead of a win-win game over various issues. It’s “Ha-ha! I win, you lose!” Never mind the only way I can win in this scenario is by not telling the truth. The lies I spin can be as big as you like, as long as they trump yours.

We haven’t yet learned that, if we wanted to, we could tackle even the thorniest political discussion if we simply gave everything and everyone their proper place in the discussion. And then respected everything and everyone involved by actually listening to what they have to say. But instead, we’re trying to drown out opposite points of view. And it’s actually killing us all because now almost no one can really hear. We’ve gotten into a space where the truth or the not-truth is so inflated that we’re starting to divide into tribes, camps, political groups around the “truth.” Only it’s super not the truth.

The Big Divide

In any big divide, we see opinions being taken as the truth. And when that happens people go blind and deaf. Right now, the whole political arena of America is filled with a few people’s opinions along with a bunch of catchy sound bites and slogans. And people are numbly, blindly, coalescing around those things. We’re not sitting down and being curious and looking deeply into the issues themselves. We’re not aware of the meta patterns of manipulation and how truth can be lost. We’re not seeing the meta patterns of blind conflict that start community arguments, civil unrest, and great big multinational wars.

Look at the Ukraine and Russia. There are two truths standing right there in front of us. But we’re not looking at and listening to the truths of each side. We’re listening to whoever blusters the loudest, shouting “This is the truth,” when it’s only one side’s truth. And then, because history is written by the victors, the one side’s truth that wins becomes the truth in the history books.

What would happen if, instead of repeating the meta pattern of playing lose-lose by not listening and dividing along tribal lines and parties, we started to really look at both sides of important issues in order to be able to negotiate a reality that works to the advantage of both sides and both truths?

Seriously, what really is the truth? What if we redefined it in terms of whatever maximizes humanity’s overall health and wellbeing instead of in terms of who is “right” and who is “wrong?” At the moment, the poor truth is buried so far underground under so many meta patterns and opinion-based shouting matches that it’s going to take a miracle for us to start separating them out.e

Who is going to begin to be the truth teller? Who is going to stand up for humanity’s wellbeing? Who is going to start telling a number of emperors that they really have no clothes on? More importantly, how are we going to land the search for truth in a way that becomes a bigger, more exciting game than the one we’re playing right now? How are we going to make the truth a game worth playing?

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage and truth-telling at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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Creating Freedom to Speak – Breaking The Pattern of Silence

freedom to speak

Creating Freedom to Speak - Breaking The Pattern of Silence

There is one particularly noble and beautifully enshrined piece of American life, and that is our right to freedom of speech. Freedom to speak should be a right worldwide. We all should experience the absence of fear that permits freedom of speech. But many do not.

At the same time, I have to say that with freedom of speech we also have the responsibility for what we do with that privilege. We have to be responsible for what we say and how we say it. Sometimes it’s a bit of a fine line between telling it like it is and being too abrasive. Sometimes it’s a bit of a fine line between knowing when to keep quiet and say nothing and knowing when to speak up.

And yet, I’m sorely reminded of the fact that in World War II in Germany, many kept quiet in order to keep themselves and their families safe. But they did so at the cost of millions of other peoples’ lives. So, I guess if we’re going to err on one side or the other, we should definitely err on the side of speaking up.

History Repeating Itself

As you know, I don’t speak about incendiary topics like religion, sex and politics. And I’m not going to start now! But looking at the world situation today, with all the political correctness and factionism going on, I wonder if we’re not rapidly moving into a repetition of the same metapattern of “silence for safety’s sake” and doing the same thing now that we did less than a hundred years ago in Europe.

I wonder if a lot of people in the US aren’t speaking up for sanity, common sense and good heartedness because they don’t want to be attacked—who are not using their hard-won freedom of speech because it feels safer to be quiet or because they don’t want to cause trouble for others.

So, here’s the thing. Can we safely open our mouths and call for the deepest desires in our hearts to come into being? Things like civil discourse. Informed intelligent debate. Kindness. Can we call for one another to listen to alternate views without going on the attack? Can we have freedom of speech without blaming, shaming or naming?

Can we grow beyond the ancestral patterns of fear that keep us stuck, keeping our mouths shut about things we ought to be talking about but don’t? Can we step back and start taking a wider view of things—enough to see that we are repeating the meta patterns of World War II … the meta patterns of many wars throughout history, many of which started because people were afraid to stand up for one another, for truth and justice for all?

The transformation piece is asking how do we create a safe enough space to stand up for truth? And I’m not talking about standing up for opinions, political positions, parties, and agendas. I’m talking about basic truths: What feeds the health and wellbeing of people? What nurtures and inspires? What encourages and supports? What fosters evolution and freedom? What encourages kindness and mutual respect?

When is it that we start standing up for power in service and support of the wellbeing of the many and not just the few or even the one?

Breaking the Pattern of Silence

The first step to breaking the fear and silence pattern is to look at yourself through a systemic lens. When it comes to developing the ability to safely speak up, it’s a little bit like Alice peering through the looking glass. You want to look at yourself and your life within the context of your entire family system and your entire social system.

Who you are and your ability to speak clearly and truthfully is the result of many generations who came before you. Their thoughts, feelings, and actions have shaped who you are now and what you’re capable of doing and not doing. Once you can see the patterns that have shaped your world and your life, you have taken step one to becoming unstuck and more free.

Good questions to ask yourself:

  • When am I afraid to speak up?
  • Why?
  • What was I told about speaking up?
  • What kind of examples did my parents provide? Were they silent in the face of power? Silent in the face of abuse of self and others?
  • Does anyone else in my family have a similar pattern?
  • What is my family history? Do my ancestors come from countries where free speech isn’t allowed?
  • What does my current community/country promote in terms of free speech? Is it safe to speak up?
  • What are the costs if I don’t speak up for the good?

Be aware if you are hearing little voices of doubt telling you why you can’t speak—saying things like you’re too “stupid,” or too “ignorant,” or “too insignificant” to count. Don’t believe it. Your voice—every voice—matters!

The good news is, by doing this process of questioning, you are tapping into the nervous system of your ancestors. It’s their words and voices you are hearing. Not yours. The even better news is that once you start deliberately creating thoughts, feelings, and actions around the goal of freely speaking, the inner chatter will stop.

This is what happens when you go in search of your authentic self. Yes, it takes a little grit and determination. Yes, it takes courage and effort. But think about this: Nothing less than the wellbeing of yourself, your family, and the world is at stake.

We are either our own prison keepers or our own liberators. Let me take you on a journey into courage at my special Disney World event: From Fear to Freedom, November 1-4. It will be an adventure! For more information please check  click here.

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Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Family tree, geneology

Steps to Breaking the Family Cycle with Genealogy 3.0

Most of us are concerned about limiting thoughts, emotions and actions—many of which are inherited—and we look for steps we can take to start breaking the family cycle. Yet, most of us don’t understand that genealogy gives us the tools to do so.

In traditional genealogy, aka Genealogy 1.0, we realize where we and the rest of our family belong in today’s world. For example, we get our DNA results back and learn that our family of origin is Norwegian Anglo Saxon with a hint of East Asian blood. Now we have a “place.” We have a history. But that is only the beginning of the story.

Unfortunately, Genealogy 1.0 tells us nothing about our emotional DNA—inherited of thoughts, feelings and actions that can sometimes end up as dysfunctional behaviors that unconsciously run our lives. It tells us nothing about our generational legacy of emotional issues and habits, our toxic patterns as well as our potentials. It fails to reveal how we can effectively deal with these issues, make positive changes to resolve inherited patterns in a healthy manner. It can’t do this because it’s all about our physical DNA, physical influences and physical relationships.

Breaking the family cycle

The good news is, by using what I call Genealogy 3.0 (Which includes what I call Genealogy 2.0—more on that step in another article) we can use genealogy and systemic work & constellations to deal with dysfunctional family issues and vicious cycles. How? Well, geneticists have discovered that traumatic events like earthquakes, floods, and other major earth changes, as well as sociopolitical events like wars, diasporas, and economic crashes, all have major emotional as well as physical impacts on the people who lived through them.

For example, the Holocaust, 9/11, Covid-19, the Great Depression, the stock market crashes of 1929 and 2008, wars, politics, women’s liberation, the tech revolution—you name it—the emotions experienced and the decisions made by our ancestors who lived through these events are often passed down to us epigenetically and culturally.

Some events can affect us for a long time—even for generations. But by using genealogical information, we can track the kinds of events that may have affected the nervous systems
of our ancestors (Genealogy 2.0) and come to an understanding about our own feelings and our positive as well as destructive behaviors, thus setting ourselves up to become a generational cycle-breaker.

In other words, genealogy can show us the emotional patterns and the dysfunctional ways our ancestors handled situations, allowing us to identify toxic behaviors. Then we use tools from systemic work & constellations to shift those bad behaviors and our mental health in the right direction

We are not victims of dysfunctional family cycles nor helpless to change them. We can take a different path and develop healthy ways of thinking, acting and living outside of our generational legacy.

Intergenerational trauma

So, let’s talk about behavior patterns and family cycles like alcoholism, abuse, criminal behavior, bankruptcy, divorce, early death, chronic ill health. How do those multigenerational dysfunctional behaviors in your family system affect you? Two ways: 1) You repeat the cycle, or 2) you decide that a different way is needed. Make no mistake, you are the decision maker. Your thoughts, feelings, and actions may be in response to an event within your family system, but you are still the one choosing the way that you will respond and devolve or evolve in the future.

You are far more capable than you imagine. Rather than being a victim of destructive habits born out of transgenerational trauma, you are in fact a co-creator of your reality and the cycles within your system. By looking at your genealogy and the events within it, you can see what is in your family system and begin to make conscious decisions about what you want to do with what’s there.

Intergenerational trauma

First off, it helps to think of yourself as a conscious, first-generation student of your family system. Be aware that this process of studying and shifting intergenerational trauma by examining your own feelings is going to take you out of your comfort zone. But pat yourself on the back and know you are taking the first step in the right direction by stopping a vicious cycle of dysfunctional ways and poor family relationships, not to mention making a difference in your own life.

The good news is that once you start establishing healthy boundaries by working with your emotional DNA, the members of your family that come after you can have an entirely different generational legacy.

Some simple steps to breaking cycles of transgenerational trauma in our family system include:

  • Being willing to look at issues without judgement
  • Being willing to shift patterns and behaviors without fear or resentment
  • Awareness that destructive habits are simply patterns waiting to be disrupted and created into something new
  • Understanding that your family system contains all the clues you need for an incredible life
  • Realizing that the only thing stopping you from enjoying a life you love may be the way you view your life and that of the rest of the family.
  • Make happiness and gratitude a part of your daily life

These simple steps begin to rewire the way you think, feel, and act. It may not happen in a single day, but the best adventures don’t. Your genealogy is your own personal adventure and it is a mighty one. You are a linchpin in all of this. Far from just inheriting an ancient history, you are the creator of the present and the future.

And please understand that not all inherited emotional DNA patterns are limiting. Some inheritable patterns—like resilience, determination, and a “can do” attitude—are extremely positive. Even if you have inherited limiting patterns of emotional DNA (and we all have!), you need to know that inherited negative emotional DNA patterns are neither destiny nor doom.

They are portals to possibility.

Dimensionalizing your family system

One of the best ways to get a handle on negative cycles, abusive behavior, and destructive habits in your family system is by creating something called a “constellation” which is a process of dimensionalizing your family of origin.

Constellations enable you to take your thoughts, issues, feelings, etc. and literally set them all out in front of you in such a way that you get to see, hear, touch, feel and walk through what goes on inside your system and inside your head by creating a physical, three-dimensional model of your family system or a particular issue within that system. So, here goes!

  • Get out a chess or checkers set and assign a family member to each piece.
  • Write down significant facts about each family member on a piece of paper and place it under the chess/checker piece you’ve assigned that person.
  • If you don’t have a game set, just use the pieces of paper with the person’s name written on it.
  • Arrange the chess piece/papers on the floor in a pattern that seems right to you, reflecting family dynamics. For example, maybe you place your parents far apart and different siblings near each parent. Or maybe “Dad” is closer to “Grandpa” (his father) than anybody else. Or maybe your parents are close, but you find yourself setting the papers for yourself and your siblings far out in left field.
  • There is no “wrong” way to arrange your family system as long the relationship spatially between the family members looks/feels right to you.
  • Step back and examine your family constellation.

Can you begin to identify patterns like emotional neglect, bad behaviors including abusive behavior and where and who these patterns flowed from?

  • Ask yourself how you are affected by each person. How are they a part of your life?
  • Don’t judge, just look.

The beauty about beginning to identify how and where negative patterns arise in a family system is that we can clearly see they didn’t start with us. We are not to blame. Nobody really is. Dysfunctional ways of acting and thinking are simply patterns that once upon a time helped an ancestor cope with a difficult situation/event. But now, three generations later, that coping pattern no longer works.

And remember, you also have inherited many empowering patterns. Don’t forget to write those down as well.

A good primer for looking at your life through a genealogical lens is my latest book, The Hidden Power in Your DNA, which takes a deep dive into Genealogy 2.0 and 3.0. Both incorporate systemic work and constellations, which are powerful tools for illuminating your genealogy and expanding your life.

For information about my November 2024 event “Vault from Fear to Freedom,” please check  click here.

Emotional DNA
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What’s Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

what's your superpower

What's Your Superpower? How to Identify What Your Superpower Is

What’s the first thing that pops into your mind when I ask, “What’s your superpower?” I bet you immediately start thinking about all the superpowers you don’t have and wished you did, like x-ray vision, super strength, super speed, the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and fly. Right?

And what would you say if I asked you “What are all those superpowers for?” What are all those popular Marvel superheroes here to do? Aside from entertain us? What is the main job Superman, Spider-Man, Black Widow, Super Girl, Captain America, Black Panther and all those other superheroes have? That’s right. They’re here to use all those personal attributes and individual strengths to make the world a better place. To help those in need. To stand up for what’s right. And you don’t need x-ray vision to accomplish that!

The simple act counts

Most of us have been taught to “Go big or go home.” That one’s biggest strength is media influence, having lots of money, or having “pull.” Kindness, compassion, and empathy are not seen as unique strengths or unique talents that are valuable. Sure, they might help you make a good impression, but in the context of your work, we’re taught “the race is to the swift and ruthless.” The only way the prize is won is if you’re operating at your full potential. It’s just the nature of the business.

And yet, this is really not true. People who have truly succeeded in life and in business have done so—not because they had some type of superpower—but because they have discovered their unique strengths and maximized them. This is not a nice idea it is a fact. Let me give you a specific example.

Taking a leadership role

The current CEO of Disney, Bob Iger, didn’t get to such a leadership role because he had super speed and super strength. And he didn’t get there just because he was good at team building and was consistently able to pull a lot of creative solutions to problems out of his back pocket. Bob is legendary for many reasons, but not just those. He started working at ABC network doing menial labor on sets because he just knew he wanted to be part of the entertainment industry. He was committed to this dream and determined to do whatever it took to get where he wanted to go.

In his early years at Disney, he was known for his willingness to do whatever work it took to get a project done. He also stood out because of his kindness and genuine interest in listening to team members at all levels in every kind of job around him, finding common goals and building on them. Today, when Iger does a walk-about through Disneyland, employees stop him just to talk and share. People naturally are drawn to gather around him. Because of his care, his vision and expansive thinking, the company has grown exponentially during his tenure as CEO.

So, what are Iger’s own superpowers? What got him to the top? It wasn’t super strength and the ability to bend iron monkey bars with his bare hands. It was commitment. Determination. Kindness. The ability to listen. Vision. Expansive thinking.

What are your individual strengths?

What about you? Looked at this way, what are your superpowers? And don’t tell me you don’t have any. Everybody has unique talents and individual strengths. We just sometimes need the x-ray vision to see deep inside ourselves! And here’s some quick advice: most people when asked to give a specific example of one of their superpowers default to false modesty and start mentally trash talking themselves, citing all the reasons their personal attributes are not so special and that what they know and do don’t matter much.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Exactly who you are is what is needed in this world! Just turn the light on! Look around you! There are people everywhere with perfectly ordinary jobs who do incredibly well. Why? Because they employ their individual strengths to maximize their situation. They bring enthusiasm and participation to the table, even when they are scared or tired.

Have you ever watched how some waitstaff or valet parking attendants make way more money than their colleagues do in tips? Pay attention. Their star method is often just being really present with their customers. The simple act of a direct genuine smile does wonders. Or the simple act of a genuine compliment. When humans feel seen, they are inclined to reward those who make them feel special. These people do well because they have the super strength of adding value by valuing others.

In terms of Systemic Work & Constellations, people who take a leadership role (And yes, you can take a leadership role even as a parking attendant) are capitalizing on two systemic principles: belonging and the balance of give and receive. They make other people feel like they belong on this Earth and that they’re valuable. And this does more than make a good impression. It’s a gift. Their super strength is in their giving. And then they are well rewarded. That’s just how life works.

I once had a very wise teacher who asked me a long time ago, “When you recognize that 90 percent of people in the world are shy, can you find it in your heart to be kind? And, if you can, can you do it a lot?” Those questions changed my life. I knew I could be kind and I knew I should be, and that stayed with me. Now I am proud to claim kindness as one of my own superpowers.

Find your type of superpower

It’s time for you to get beyond your limiting thoughts about yourself. It’s time to reframe your unique strengths as your own superpowers and activate them. So, how do you do that?

The best way to find your own superpowers is to take a simple index card or some sticky notes and write down a specific example of the things you like about yourself on each one. Maybe it’s being upbeat. Maybe you notice things that others don’t. (Maybe you’ll be a great detective someday!) Maybe you have a flare for color. Or for making people feel at ease. There is always something, even if it is small.

Once you have identified your own superpowers, ask yourself: “Do I ever try to minimize these superpowers of mine? Do I downplay them? Think they’re nothing?” And if the answer is “Yes,” I guess from now on you won’t do that. Will you?

The other best way to find your own superpowers is the positive things people say about you.

Write down everything you remember that people have said about you, the talents you have or the character traits they admire. And if you can’t recall, go ask them! Ask your friends and family members what they admire about you. What they see are your unique strengths. And take good notes.

Write down each specific example of your unique talents and then put the list where you see it everyday. Now, ask yourself: “How can I maximize these unique strengths of mine?” In the context of your work, think about how these personal attributes can make a difference.

And then start doing these things! Take action! And if you find yourself reluctant and scared to do this, remember: You are not at risk when you are in service to others. Being in service makes us brave and also brings great rewards. And if you can flip your mindset to focus in on your individual strengths instead of your flaws, you may find yourself overcoming years or even generations of unfulfillment. In other words, you are changing your emotional DNA.

Not everybody has x-ray vision, but if you take what you do have all the way—the sky is not the limit.

I look forward to showing you how to release your Fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

How to heal ancestral trauma

How to Heal Ancestral Trauma Using Genealogy

Traumatic events affect all of us at some point in our lives triggering emotional responses and negative emotional patterns that then affect our physical DNA. This then gets passed down to future generations, showing up as inherited negative emotions and unwanted patterns of behavior. In this blog learn how to heal ancestral trauma with the power of Genealogy.

Ancestral Trauma

Most of us don’t recognize the depth of our links to the traumas within our family lineage and previous generations. Quite unconsciously, we repeat hidden patterns and negative emotions in our daily lives while at the same time developing unconscious loyalties to these patterns and the people who set them in motion long ago. We literally relive versions of unresolved traumas and sadness that occurred in prior generations. 

For example, let’s say a great-grand-parent suffered some lingering disease that set in motion a pattern of ill-health as well as a caretaking pattern in the family. Three generations later half the family always seems to be sick or marrying people who get sick or find themselves in stressful situations while the other half always seem to be loyally trapped in caretaking roles. Patterns like these obviously become barriers to emotional well-being and any possibility of greatness. It is as though effector patterns, once started, can’t stop. 

Negative emotions around finances are another commonly inherited family pattern in our ancestral lineage. Who knew that there was such a thing as money DNA? Not only do we inherit our money mindsets and basic emotions interacting with money from our family system, but also from our culture. Both play an important role setting up views in our minds as young adolescents about the rightness or “wrongness” of money and wealth. 

This is also amplified by religions that inspire negative emotional reactions to having money and “too much filthy lucre.” Then this ancestral/cultural meta-pattern creates life experiences of misery, chronic stress and psychological trauma around money, assets, investments, career decisions, you name it.

There is a hidden power in your DNA, and you are part of a multi-generational internet—a web of ancestral information is contained within you. In other words, your family system connects you to everything that has happened to you and your lineage. These past events include natural disasters, diasporas, genocides, slavery, sexual abuse, and gender discrimination. 

Even though many of these things have been experienced in the lives of ancestors, we experience the feelings and thoughts of our forefathers and mothers as they went through these past traumas as a part of our nervous system. We are literally repeating versions of the life paths of those who came before us instead of living our own life. 

Unlock Your Hidden Potential with a Breakthrough Discovery in Genealogy

Coming from difficult circumstances doesn’t mean you can’t have a better life. While ancestral traumas can create triggers, the good news is they can also ignite possibilities. And some really good news is that there is a healthy way to start healing ancestral trauma using genealogy. Genealogy allows us to hone in on painful emotions and the patterns that create them. 

The following sets out a healthy way to deal with ancestral trauma patterns and our past ancestral connection.

First Step: Be willing to look at negative emotional responses flowing from inherited patterns. 

Ask yourself:

  • Where do I come from? What kind of family dynamics have been in play? 
  • What other family member or members share my negative emotions? Who else experiences the same kind or similar physiological responses to those emotions?
  • What kind of actual problem or unwanted behaviors have these negative emotions created?
  • What would freedom from these unwanted behaviors and emotions look like to me? Feel like?  

Now, let’s look at historical traumas through a systemic lens. Using genealogy, we are able to see how traumatic experiences and the emotional decisions made about those events by relatives in the past may affect us and some of our family members, impacting our own childhood experiences and coloring our adult world. 

Step two: Consult your genealogical history and ask yourself the following:

  • Looking at my genealogical chart, what kind of events and stressful situations could have happened in my family’s past that might have set these negative emotional patterns into motion?
  • Were there wars? Famines? Political unrest? Natural disasters? Pogroms? 

Step three: Systemic work and constellations is all about dimensionalizing our patterns by seeing not only what’s inside our family system, but all the ways these negative patterns are affecting us.

  • Get into the present moment and dig deep into your emotional state. 
  • Now, write down three ways in which these ancestral patterns and old painful emotions have you stuck and how that makes you feel. 

Step four: Considering how you feel and looking at your family history, ask yourself”

  • “Given my background, what is a big leap forward that I would like to make?” 
  • Make it real. Make your desire come alive in your mind. 
  • What positive changes do you want to experience? What positive outcome sets your mind and heart on fire?

Once we start looking at our potential instead of focusing on the old feelings, old actions and old outcomes, we are able to create new choices and new pathways. Yes, of course, the old patterns, the old mental states, the old emotional responses tug at us. The way to look at this is to see what was and give it its place. 

Family patterns are set in motion in response to tough situations in the past. Your ancestors did the best they could escaping the pogroms or the wars or the famines and political unrest. Now it’s time for you to set new healthy patterns in motion and experience freedom and fulfillment. 

Step five: Now comes the actualization part. 

  • Write down three new thoughts, feelings, or actions you can take to get you moving towards you desired positive outcome. 
  • How does each of these actions and/or thoughts and feelings make you feel? 
  • Don’t judge what comes up. And don’t think any action or thought is too small. A step is a step is a step, and a series of steps takes you into a whole new reality. 

Now, instead of being burdened by negative emotions, old emotional responses and even old physiological responses, you have rewired your neural pathways and autonomic nervous system for positive changes. Your primary emotions have shifted and your emotional well-being is activated.

Step six: Discover your superpower. 

 Your superpower is the aspect or aspects of your character that will get you all the way out of being stuck and into creation mode. It’s the thing that will help you actualize your new thoughts, feelings and actions. And let me say upfront, a superpower isn’t about leaping tall buildings in a single bound or exhibiting super strength. 

It’s often the simplest thing … like being kind. Or being the sort of person who always finishes what they start. Or perhaps you have the knack of being a good listener. Or you’re a natural “connector,” always putting people and situations together.

Understanding your superpower(s) will give you a big boost in self confidence when you put it together with your dreams and see how you can make them happen.

Honor Past Emotional Experiences

One very important thing to be aware of when healing multigenerational trauma is that you are not trying to forget the past. And you’re not making it bad and wrong. Instead, you are finally giving the past its place rather than becoming entangled in it. Great-grandpa did the right thing quitting his medical career to stay home to caretake his ailing wife. But that was then and this is now.

When we begin to use genealogy in a whole new way—when we use it not just to understand physical health patterns and physiological attributes, but rather as a tool to access information about events that may have initiated emotional and behavioral responses in our ancestors that were then passed own to us—we begin to understand that every one of us counts. That we, by desiring a different life or different emotions and new experiences, are literally potential solutions and highways to a new reality. 

Changing the world

Can you imagine how this world would change if we did this kind of work as a collective? Like individuals, nations and ethnic groups are also subject to ancestral patterns and collective trauma. When we look at issues like slavery, we often see where an entire group of people is trapped in what we call a systemic trance. In other words, sometimes millions of people are trapped in a pattern of inherited pain and suffering called a “meta-pattern.” 

In this case, the pattern is a pattern of abuse and low self-esteem, self-hatred and judgment of self and others. Nationalism is another kind of meta-pattern where a collective of people can be, quite literally, hypnotized into a belief in their racial superiority or goodness.

These trances or systemic loyalties can and often do create wars. Each side is fighting to protect its personal history rather than seeking to advance its future. So, how do we get that to change? It is crucial to answer this question for future generations to evolve. Here are some guidelines:

First, it is important to acknowledge what is and to be curious rather than to judge. This pulls us out of survival mode and emotional responses and into a more sacred space where there is a place for all and the possibility for evolution. Ancestral healing work enables us to disentangle events and even the most complex situations by simply looking and acknowledging what is in the present moment, then reimagining and creating anew. 

Once we are willing to move beyond our preconceived and often well-defended thoughts, feelings, and actions, we are able to gain a completely new perspective. Instead of looking at how we are being impacted and victimized, we can create positive change and meaningful impact. If we allow something to shift in us, something shifts for us and for others. 

This kind of approach is what often creates deep shifts in humanity. And every single one of us is capable of creating multiple shifts in many directions. 

What negative meta-pattern is dragging the world down that you would like to see change? Using the steps you just learned, how would you go about helping create that change? Write out your thoughts, feelings, and actions around it. Go for it! 

I look forward to showing you how to experience meaningful change and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.

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How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

let go of fear

How to Let Go of Fear & Step Into Courage

How do we let go of fear? The first step is to acknowledge that we are afraid. This is not a bad thing, in fact, saying how we are genuinely feeling is a very good thing indeed. In systemic work we call this “acknowledging what is.” When you can look even the most awful negative things in the face and acknowledge that it simply is the way it is, you then experience freedom to make a different choice and take new steps. This is the pivot point for all changes in our lives.

Acknowledging what is, is often the first step that allows us to step into the present moment.  We stop with our inner excuses or avoidances. This is often the first time we are able to let go a little of the harmful fears of failure. We are able to create space between us and that all-consuming fear monster. Once we fully acknowledge what is, that buzzy feeling in our heads or queasy feeling in our stomachs, or perhaps even an inability to breathe easily start to subside. This is a clear indication that we are starting to let go of fear.

It is helpful to take a deep breath and do a minute or two of breathing exercises once you’ve achieved this. After all, you’ve just run an internal marathon and crossed a finish line.

New Things

The interesting thing is, when we achieve this state we are teaching our bodies to move from stress to joy and peace. In this state our hearts can open, our gut is able to relax, and our brain can begin working clearly and thinking new thoughts. The good thing about taking such a courageous step consciously is that it gives us a little bit of space away from old habits.

Now, quite frankly, the best way of opening our minds and hearts to possibility is by focusing on what we want. The more excited we can be about our goals, the more courageous we are able to become. Then we can start setting the goals to get us to the first step, and then the next step, and then the next, and so on until we arrive at the place where we can experience freedom and inner peace.

But there is something important to understand about fear. It isn’t there to terrorize us. One of the amazing things about fear is that it is a signal from our nervous system that something needs to change. So, next time you experience anxiety, rather than being triggered into a negative emotion or tailspin of fear and anxiety, notice that what you’re experiencing is simply a strong clue for a need for a change. How elegant is that?

If you experience anxiety, have panic attacks or struggle to let go of harmful fears of failure, those clues may well have their roots in your genealogy or in the events in your own life that have shaped your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

The minute you say “Yes” to new things and make that change irresistibly exciting, you will find your way past all your concerns about an uncertain future along with your excuses and limitations that have kept you stuck. Let me give you a quick example of how this works.

Stretch Yourself

Let’s say that you want to go on vacation. And not just any vacation. You want to do something that’s a bit special or that seems slightly adventuresome. A vacation that inspires your sense of freedom and wonder. (Wonder, by the way, is a good thing for growth!) You’ve always wanted to fly, and you know of a nearby paragliding retreat place up in the mountains.

People tell you that you’re crazy, and you find yourself terrified to take the first step to make it happen. Friends tell you all the negative things that could possibly happen going so far beyond the social norms for someone your age. However, you keep having this strong desire to fly beyond your normal day-to-day life. It may not make a great deal of sense to you, but for once you ignore the naysayers. In a way you are on a secret journey and can sense the stretch your spirit needs.

Soaring over the mountains on your paragliding adventure, there’s an enormous feeling of accomplishment. A sense of strong confidence fills you as you move into a different dimension. It’s a good thing called expansion and it moves you beyond the norms and limitations of your daily life and into a new space. Your courageous movement embracing new ways got you here. Who knows how far you will fly from here?

Choice and Courage

Limitations are always coupled to possibilities. For a large part of our lives, our fear of change keeps us unaware of wonderful possibilities. Our natural instinct is to cling to the fears that we use to frighten ourselves … until the day we don’t.

When you hear about someone doing something extraordinary, it simply means that they chose to do something different and kept choosing it all the way to success. This takes two things. Choice, and the courage to act on that choice..

In systemic work and constellations, we dimensionalize (set up in 3D) the fear you have, so that you can see it and interact with it. By making the negative things conscious and the invisible visible, we are able to bring our fear to the surface, take a deep breath, engage with it and create breakthroughs from fear to freedom.

For example, “Joan,” a client of mine, had an inexplicable fear of success. She was quite sure if she made it to the top it would spell her downfall. She couldn’t explain why, but she knew that once the got what she wanted she was destined to lose everything.

There was no rational explanation for her fear. She was driven to succeed, and she’d put in long hours to reach a top spot in her company. Yet as soon as success arrived, she found herself in the middle of worry-filled days, harmful fears of failure, and panic attacks that made her unable to function properly at work. She was caught between what she wanted and what she thought would destroy her.

In a constellation session, Joan remembered that her grandmother had told her that her success on stage as an actress had been her downfall. That she lost her husband—the love of her life—because her fame was his breaking point. When he left, she fell apart and her career faltered, leaving her ruined.

Can you see how Joan’s genealogy and ancestral DNA is coloring her life? That emotional event is long over. But because the negative emotion from that experience was never processed by her grandmother or her mother, it had echoed down to her—an ancestral pattern asking to be seen, debriefed and released.

Breakthrough

Power of Now by Eckert Tolle, he invites you to stay in the present moment because that is the space where amazing things can occur.

I invited Joan to pick representatives for each member of her family. (This act in itself can be a key to change. The very act of setting up your fear where you can see it creates shift and movement.) Next, I invited her to take a deep breath and really look at the family pattern in front of her. (It’s interesting to observe when and how quickly we hold our breath. It’s a natural instinct when we experience anxiety or we’re on the edge of a breakthrough.)

She found herself suddenly in tears, seeing her grandparents and understanding the event and resulting emotional-behavioral patterns that had run in her family, leading to her peculiar type of fear. She described it as a veil lifting. She could see three generations of women, all with a strong appetite for success and a deep fear that it would cost them everything as it had her grandmother. 

Finally, understanding where the fear had come from, it hit her like a ton of bricks that she had a choice to either repeat her grandmother’s fate, or turn the emotional DNA around and embrace the success her grandmother, grandfather, and even her mother, had not been able to accept. She then found herself able to step beyond her fear of failure for the very first time.

The minute we gather the courage to lean in and see what’s running the show is the moment change takes place. Not only do we move from fear to self-confidence, but we also take a giant leap forward from survival to adventure. Once we experience our deepest fear in a larger context outside of our mind, we can let go of fear and step into true freedom.

 I look forward to showing you how to release your fear DNA and unleash your fullest potential. For more information about my 2024 events click here.